when all YOU want is some validation

Feeling REALLY frustrated today.

PREFACE:
Yesterday my GF a bit on the edge of her seat. She had had a difficult time sleeping through the night so she ended up sleeping pretty late into the day. I was at work all day and knew she'd had a tough time at night so it was what it was. I called her later on into the afternoon to wake her knowing she had made plans for the day. Mind you, I would have let her sleep all she wanted but it was like a double edged sword... .if she has plans she doesnt follow through with, she gets REALLY on edge. That was my reasoning behind calling and waking her up. Instead, she got on edge over the fact that I called and let her know it was pretty late into the afternoon. She communicated with me that she felt judged by me and then was anxious trying to run around and do a couple of the things on her list all while feeling like she'd done something wrong for sleeping in.

I listened, validated, the whole nine... .it went great. But she still had this "on edge" feel to her for the rest of the day from me getting home right up until we went to bed. Not necessarily TOWARDS me but it was one of those "one false move and its over" feelings that make you wanna keep the storm at bay no matter what the cost.

My GF has always had a habit of making plans for us without asking if its something I would like to do and/or be involved with. She basically "just decides" and I get left feeling like I dont really have a choice. Maybe because in the past if I express how thats not something I want to do it's ended up in a huge blown up ordeal.

Why Im frustrated:
A couple of days ago my GF asked me if I'd be alright with the fact that one of her friends (who also happens to be her ex husband... .it's a complicated story. They've remained great friends, the divorce was mutual. No bitterness. He's a great guy) was still at the apartment when I got home from work. Her actual statement was "He MIGHT still be here. Are you ok with that?" -- Sure, why not. I'm ok with a quick interaction with him in case he's still there. Why not.

The problem is: the way she communicated it versus what her actual intentions were are entirely different. Next thing I know, we are visiting her grandmother in the hospital who ended up asking us what our plans for today are. Thats when I find out not only is her friend going to POSSIBLY be there still when I get home from work... .but oh yeah, we're also going to take him out to dinner. Now this short interaction (there is some back story to this on how since us getting back together we've made it a point to not bring each other around others in our lives... just yet at least) just turned into a full blown evening spent with him. Now, I didnt want to bring up my level of uncomfortable yesterday because, like I said, she was on edge and "avoid any storms" was really the priority. So, this morning I express how I dont like that she TOLD me what we were doing versus asking me. Everyone likes to be asked, right? Well, that let to finding out the plan all along was spending the evening with him. Which, again, was NOT what was communicated.

In the end, no she didnt blow up on me but the entire conversation was one big flipping it around on how I need to take responsibility for it because I had "plenty of time" to communicate to her its something I didnt want to do. Invalidating my feelings about it even when I expressed how it was making me anxious (given we havent been around each others friends or families since getting back together... .her grandmother was actually the first) and feeling like Im constantly told what to do rather than given the opportunity to decide for myself.

She doesnt at all realize that there was NOT plenty of time to express how I felt given the fact that she was so on edge. There is no self-reflection. Instead when I say how I didnt want to agitate her further than she already was the invalidation of my thoughts and feelings begins.

Again, huge improvement in the sense that she didnt rage on me over what I did express. I will not downplay it. I also know that this is all part of who she is and how she deals with situations. She needs to invalidate me in order to not get the negative feelings that she experiences... .but at the same time:

I'd like some validation!
I'd like some consideration!
I would LOVE some input on what we do, who we do it with, and when we do it!

I want to be heard just as much as she does!

This is a vent. I already know this is part of the compromise we make in working on these relationships. Some days are just a lot harder than others.

Today is one of those days where im REALLY nervous to go home and to deal with the plans shes made for us. Mostly because now IM on edge and unsure on how well I will be able to keep all the tools I've learned in mind when in the middle of it all.

UUUGGGHHH



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