Excuse to re-engage?

[Zemmma]

He left me a few weeks ago. For probably the 16th time but I have lost track.

He did it without explanation. I didn't even know we had broken up. He just yelled at me and I kind of shut down. I thought it was a fight. I was angry with his behaviour so I was quiet for a few days but then I had to ask if it was over, and he said, "Of course we are broken up. What did you think I mean when I yelled, "Leave me!" and "Leave me alone!" Of course that could have meant, leave me alone right now and not forever, but whatever. I kind of blanked out that part because he was yelling at me and I was upset. But I do remember him saying, "Why can't you hear what I am saying?" I also remember him saying that he didn't want to talk, that he would just say his piece over and over and I would say mine and neither one of us would change our minds. So we are broken up. He did it with one brief fight and then a clarifying text. Pretty horrible ending for a 6 year relationship.

Then last week he sent me four songs, two love songs, "What we will never have," "What we should have had, and did have," one angry song and a desperate cry for help/ I'm a tortured soul song (Wolves at the Door- Radiohead). I did not respond.

Fast forward another week and he has just sent me a message. "Sorry to bother you but... " His bike has been stolen and he wonders if it is in my garage. This is EXTREMELY UNLIKELY. He almost never brought it here and when he did, he would never forget it. He says he may have left it here 7 months ago.

Does anyone else think perhaps he is using this excuse to determine my state of mind? I feel he needs some supply. Wants to know where I stand. I feel like he has me in a position because he is forcing me to answer him. No answer is a kind of answer too. Do I pretend I didn't get the message? Respond in a neutral and boring way, "No your bike is not here."

I don't want to give him any emotion or reveal anything if he is fishing. Feels like a game. And "sorry to bother you" just pisses me off to the extreme... You are "sorry to bother" me when just a couple of weeks ago, you weren't too sorry to tear my heart out my chest and toss it on the floor, never looking back to see the damage (again)...

I honestly think he is using this weak excuse (that doesn't put him on the line at all) to draw me in... maybe just to reject me again. It's a small thing, but an "innocent" way for him to break the silence. He should leave me the hell alone. I feel he needs to know I am suffering, or wants to know if I care and wants to know if he is free open up communication. Of course, he could just be worried about his bike and I am reading too much in.

Thoughts?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Zemmma, Maybe you are overthinking it?  Why not just send him a bland message to the effect that, No, your bike is not in my garage?  I'm sorry to hear that you are on breakup #16 and ruminating over what is running through your Ex's head.  What keeps you hangin' on, as the song goes?  Presumably there is a reason why you continue to recycle so many times.  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[Zemmma]

Of course I am overthinking it! That pisses me off too.

I have kept recycling because I love him and the sex is PERFECT and he is an expert in his field in an area that we have in common and can enjoy together, and when he is good he is my perfect fit and I feel completely at home. I never bore of him, we enjoy talking and enjoy each other's company immensely. I adore so much about him.

But the reason I have to leave is (well, most importantly, he keeps breaking up with me! and... ) he is highly emotionally dysregulated. When he is not being the angel I described above he is jealous, blaming, full of darkness and angst, an alcoholic, insomniac (literally lives on a different clock where he is going to be bed when I am getting up for my day) and he is unhappy with our situation and relationship. He is inconsistent, and breaks up or threatens to constantly.

So I just wrote this, "You did not leave your bike in my garage."

His contact triggered me because he has left me so many times. He leaves and then dips in over and over. I know it was just about a bike, but at what point do I get to close the door? I know I am just fighting myself here. It is a difficult battle. Thanks for responding Lucky Jim. Hope I don't sound ridiculous!

[stixx44]

Your post hit a nerve with me.  My ex (now almost 3 months NC) would always drag me back by texting links to “meaningful” songs... .usually about unrequited love.

She also purposefully kept a favorite shirt of mine when I went to pick up my things in February. 

Now after reading your post I’m wondering if someday down the road that shirt might not be used as a way for her to contact me... .

“Hi... .I just discovered I have your shirt... .do you want it back?”

Time will tell.  Nothing is predictable here.

[Lucky Jim]

But the reason I have to leave is (well, most importantly, he keeps breaking up with me! and... ) he is highly emotionally dysregulated. When he is not being the angel I described above he is jealous, blaming, full of darkness and angst, an alcoholic, insomniac

Hello again, Zemma, You put that well.  Agree, the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde duality is what makes a BPD r/s so turbulent and destructive.  When they are in "angel" mode, it can feel so perfect, as you describe, but the flip side is a nightmare.  The trouble is, the dark storm clouds always return, often out of a clear blue sky.

Sure, your pwBPD is trying to get you to engage by sending you songs, etc.  So far, you seem to be doing a good job of staying above the fray.  It does get better after one gets off the roller coaster.

LJ

[Zemmma]

So he thanked me for letting him know about the bike and then he disappeared from everything. I am accepting that it is really over with this breakup for the first time in six years. And I accepted a date or two from someone who I have had a quiet "crush" on for years (though saying that sounds silly at my age)! This man is beautiful and positive and younger. All good.

The distraction of a new possibility has been great and is taking me one step further from this relationship. It has helped me feel a great distance from our time together. And I don't need any more time to "process" the loss of this relationship... I have done that 15 times or so and time alone doesn't help, it just makes me miserable and lonely and sad and waiting to hear from the ex who has probably also moved on. And he did the slow fade so I feel I have been pretty much alone with my thoughts for a couple of months now. I am ready to live again and won't pass up the possibility of a connection with someone I think is amazing.

I don't know where this new thing is going, but I know that my latest date was fun, exciting and there were no negative repercussions! I didn't have to hear about what went wrong after thinking I had a perfectly wonderful date! It is really great to imagine the possibilities of a relationship without all of that doubt and drama and all of those rollercoasters. At the same time, I don't know how to date after a relationship with this man with the BPD traits. He texted constantly, and was so full of over the top emotional and sexual expression. This new one has been a little quiet between invitations, but always responsive and positive and has actually been pursuing me fairly consistently- I just wasn't taking him very seriously at first because of my investment in my ex, even after it was over. It was too soon. The funny thing is I don't know if the new guy is sincere because it feels so different from the strong (powerful) BPD pursuit.

We were together Thursday night and he knew I was busy with my kids all weekend and he had plans... so we wished each other a great weekend and have been very quiet since... .I will just have to wait to see what he does next. I suppose this is NORMAL. How the hell am I prepared for that?

I am trying to sit back and chill and trust what this person has told me as well as his positive and consistent actions. Whether or not it works out doesn't matter at all. I am learning about what I want in a relationship and hopefully will find it without having to sacrifice too much of myself or my needs next time around.