Can't wrap my head around how someone can hide the disorder from others so well.

[Windy9973]

My husband has BPD. He exhibits all the traits and many times he is very difficult to deal with at home. He recently only got this diagnoses although we knew something was wrong for some time now. He is in agreement that he does have BPD and says he was always searching for what was wrong with him. I"m trying to understand everything about this disorder I can, but some thing confuse me and wonder if others go through some of these things like I do.

        First thing is I been with my husband 9 years. It was only over the last year that he has shown all the traits of BPD and is becoming impossible to live with. He is in his forty and says when he was in his teens all the way to early thirties he was even worse then he is now, but a few years before he met me he feels he got a lot better. For 8 years of marriage the only questionable things I saw him do is have intense road rage. My question is does BPD seem to just "go away" for some and then come back full force? Is it possible for it "go away" or get dramatically less again?

          Also, he is very intelligent person and has a wonderful job. He moved up in his company 5 positions since getting the job about 14 years ago. He got the job about the time he started "feeling better" in his words. The last year has been hell for our family as he has exhibited all the traits of BPD. The only thing that confuses me is he is completely "normal" at work. People at work  would be shocked if they knew how he acted outside of work. He has a handful of friends but does not spend a whole lot of time with them mainly because of work and family obligations. So maybe every 3 months or so he may go fishing with a friend or go to spend time with them in another way. The only thing is I noticed him exhibiting all the BPD traits at home, yet he seems to shut them off in an instant when a friend calls or he has plans with them and does not act that way with them. One time a friend never called him back, although they had plans to go fishing. He went on hours raging at home and being verbally and emotionally abusive. His friend finally called a noon and apologize for not calling the day before like he said he would and had a family matter to attend to. He then ask my husband to come over. In an instant my husband was fine and acting "normal" and went out with his friend. How is this possible? I can't wrap my head around how someone can seem to have the disorder one second and just shut it off because they know their friend would not approve of the behavior. To my mind it would seem he would still act out even if he is at work and near friends?

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[Notwendy]

One of the best descriptions I have read on this board of BPD is that it involves a disorder of attachment and affects the most intimate of relationships. BPD is on a spectrum of function. Lower functioning individuals have difficulty with a wider range of relationships while higher functioning pwBPD may have their dysfunction in the most intimate relationships only.

Your H seems very high functioning. It may feel crazy that he is this way with you- but it is because he is most attached to you. Not that this makes it OK to treat you poorly, but it may help to understand it.

[SkySanta]

Hi Anna9973.

BPD is, at it's core, an attachment disorder.  Your H doesn't exhibit behaviors at work and with "friends" because there's a low attachment there, which makes everything safe.  Although, as you saw, even with low attachment figures, BPD behaviors can be triggered.  In the situation you described, the friend ghosted your H, then called, try to look at it this way.

When the friend didn't reach out, and missed the appointment, it triggered the abandonment fears, which caused your H's brain to go in to fight, flight or freeze mode.   This is the core of the BPD behaviors, irrational and based on intense emotions.  At the time, your H was feeling abandoned by the friend, and was triggered.  When the friend finally called and apologized, this alleviated the threat of abandonment and is why his behavior returned to normal.