Ongoing jealousy and rages

[Hollyhock]

My partner has significant problems with my past, since we got together she has displayed extremely jealous behaviour over any mention of my past.
This is complicated by the fact that I have children with my ex and we live in the family home. My partner has in the past wanted every detail of my past relationship, I have given her as much detail as I feel is appropriate but she has even asked for intimate details which I refused to give her. She used to go through ALL my texts and emails to my ex and listen to all the calls, she has an opinion in everything I say and wants to know every exchange. I now have an email account that she cannot access (she used the other without my consent and accesses my phone but denies it) she is unhappy that she cannot access this email and makes many sarcastic comments about me hiding things. I am not, but I really struggle with the intense and frequent outbursts and rages about something innocent I said to my ex about our children.
She has gone through every draw, photograph and computer looking for details of my past, I have tried to have boundaries but she ignores them all, I did feel that if  she accessed everything then she would see that I am hiding nothing, but she would always find something.
In the loft I had a box that held important memorabilia from my past 48 years! Odd random things including special cards from family or friends, old university membership cards, wedding invitations from good friends, eulogy/church booklets from family who have died, last packet of cigarettes from 20 years ago, children's scans, odd letters, a couple of photographs of a boyfriend from teenage years etc etc. She went through this almost phorensically and we have had many evenings of her bringing up things she has found. I clearly told her that this was private, it has random things from my life that I have just put in one place. She wants me to destroy everything that has any connection to ex boyfriends and my ex h. She also has issues with some of the letters from friends.
This argument circles every few months, she calls it my '___ box' I have had two relationships of over 10+ years and one friend that I slept with over a very drunken weekend! Which I don't actually think is really shocking, but she thinks makes me immoral. This week she found the wedding photographs that I had hidden which has led to another outburst.
Today I am trying to find everything that might upset her and put it in a box and going to ask my sister to hide it at hers as I really don't know what else to do.
She thinks I have a real problem and should not have anything to do with my past, she has said she has nothing from hers ( two previous relationships of two years each) and says I would be upset if I saw stuff like she has to face with my ___ box! I said I have no issues whatsoever with her having any photographs etc from her past and actually would think it was normal as we all have a past and our past has made us what we are today. But she is insitient of holding the moral high ground and that she know that I would be upset (I really wouldn't) and although I have told her that I understand that my past upsets her, that I will not destroy things as that is my past.
Sorry this is a ramble, this is part of her BPD (undiagnosed but clearly most of traits) but I am exhausted and feel like I am loosing my perspective, she makes it all sound so reasonable and that I am the one with the problem. I am at a loss.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

That's all really horrible! It sounds to me that she is extremely insecure. 

My uexBPDh would routinely go through my work cell phone, personal cell phone, emails, my purse, my desk drawers, clothes drawers without my consent. If someone from work called me regarding a problem, he would listen in. I felt it was an extreme invasion of my privacy. He didn't see it that way when I tried to talk to him about it. 

He even tracked my whereabouts via my a tracking app on my cell phone and then ask me why I was where I was. For example, sometimes my co-workers would treat me to lunch since they knew I had to run it by my H beforehand to see if we had the money. I would then get a text of "why aren't you at work? where are you?"  There were times when I would get a coffee on the way to work. Somehow he'd find out and ask me why I didn't tell him I was getting coffee. I didn't think of it as a big deal. Apparently he did.

I later found out he had an online dating profile while we were married. When I confronted him with it, he said he had no intention of using it. I call bull on that one. I think he just didn't get any interest from it. I also later found out he had approached a mutual female friend of ours trying to start an affair with her. She refused. I wish she had told me sooner. There was a time during our marriage when he told me one of his co-workers approached him about having an affair. He said he was really tempted but ultimately refused. I believe he told me this because he wanted me to get angry and all jealous and such to make him feel better about himself.

In looking back, I believe he was insecure from the start of our relationship and it never changed. It only got worse during the twenty years we were together. I ended up isolating myself because I was tired of his accusations. We're divorced now and he still tries that crap with me.

He has a way of twisting things around to make it sound like I'm the worst person in the world and he's a saint. He was pretty good at gaslighting me too.  It took having a really good therapist to help me see through his crap. People like this seem really good at twisting things around to convince themselves and you that they are right. They can be really adamant and persuasive too. That's why I believe it's good to talk to someone else about your experiences. From what you've described, I believe her actions are over the top and unhealthy.

I almost hate to ask this but feel the need to ask... .why are you with her? 

[Mutt]

Sorry this is a ramble, this is part of her BPD (undiagnosed but clearly most of traits) but I am exhausted and feel like I am loosing my perspective, she makes it all sound so reasonable and that I am the one with the problem. I am at a loss.

In the context of black and white thinking, a pwBPD can’t see someone as an integrated whole, you’re all of one or the other, by the constant snooping / invasion of privacy I think that she’s looking for something, maybe something that in her mind would confirm to her that you’re to abandon her, again in the context of BPD / dichotomous thinking.

I think that having emails that she doesn’t know about is good to have, if she would trust you more and wasn’t snooping so much, would there be a need for an email she doesn’t know about. I think that you need you’re own outlet or channel and what I mean that is that a pwBPD has mostly negative things to say about us - it’s distortion. You need positive feedback back from others, you need to maintain r/s’s outside of your r/s. With her, what’s your support network like?

[Hollyhock]

In the context of black and white thinking, a pwBPD can’t see someone as an integrated whole, you’re all of one or the other, by the constant snooping / invasion of privacy I think that she’s looking for something, maybe something that in her mind would confirm to her that you’re to abandon her, again in the context of BPD / dichotomous thinking.

I think that having emails that she doesn’t know about is good to have, if she would trust you more and wasn’t snooping so much, would there be a need for an email she doesn’t know about. I think that you need you’re own outlet or channel and what I mean that is that a pwBPD has mostly negative things to say about us - it’s distortion. You need positive feedback back from others, you need to maintain r/s’s outside of your r/s. With her, what’s your support network like?

Thank you for the replies, both Mutt and I am the fire. My support network is pretty secret as she does not like me talking to any one! I have a counsellor and friends who do know the situation. It is difficult as we share friends and they all see her as the best and "you are so lucky to have her" and she is idolised by them.
Most my friends are absolutely frustrated with me as they think I should leave as they see the relationship as extremely unhealthy.
The secret email account is known to her, I mean she knows it exists, she just has not been able to access it as I change the password weekly! She is like a private detective and can find out everything, she watches me like a hawk and has a near perfect photographic memory and can pick up passwords in an instant so keeping this account out of her access is a full time job!

[Hollyhock]

On that note, I am off to delete all traces of being on here, she is unaware of this web site, she has accessed and followed other forums I have used in the past and researched and read every post I made or commented on (just a general chit chat site that is more for fun) she even had email alerts to tell her when I had posted!

[Mutt]

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