Losing friends to my ex

[Learn and live]

So a few of my friends who are still wrapped in her inner circle are being distant and removing facebook posts I share on their walls. Mainly one person... .But he was my best friend for 5 years and I've hung out with him for over 12 years. The others are just kinda sparse with responses. I get that I've been painted black or they are trying to guard against her suspecting that they still have open communication with me... .how did you get over losing your friends? It hurts so much more than losing her... .

[Frankee]

It's good that you have found this forum where a lot of people are going through or have experienced similar things.  I just replied to another post about my ex and the destructive path my break up left.  We were together 8 years, and I knew most of these people the entire time.  And my ex is not BPD.  He doesn't have the symptoms.  He enjoys destroying lives, enjoys treating people bad that he thinks as lesser.  I had a lot of friends when I was with my ex, so I thought.  He made me out to be the one to blame, how I was a horrible mother keeping "his" son away from him, telling all our friends that I was telling lies about him.  Even had one friend (so I thought) that was taking his side at the time, much later on was trying to make amends because he finally saw the truth.  We partied almost every weekend with these people, spent holidays with them, even had one to be my son's god father.  All these people... are gone except a handful.  What once was a life of VIP treatments, hanging out with DJ's at nightclubs downtown, house party's, meeting all sorts of exciting people... gone.

What my personal experience is that these friends, it's hard to see past the manipulation and false image your ex is painting you.  They probably didn't see the side of her you did.  They are feeling like they have to take sides and my guess is she's doing everything she can to make you look like the bad guy.  As much as it sucks to say, but give it time.  Hopefully you still have true loyal friends who aren't buying into her nonsense.  If it was a recent break up, the others are probably not sure what to do, they are only hearing her side of the stories being told.  When the people I thought were my friends, didn't show any genuine interest in trying to just be a friend, that's when the hard truth came out that they were just people I partied with.  I get it, it hurts like hell.  This may however be a way for you to see who the real friends are and ones who really didn't take the time to want to be a friend. 

It's almost 4 years later and the people that dissolved in the background of my breakup are long gone.  I have no idea what they are doing with their lives, and you know what... I doing pretty good with out them.  Most of them I don't even think about anymore.  The ones that stuck by me, are still floating in my life.  They are the friends I can go months without talking to and randomly send a message asking how they are doing and pick up like we talked yesterday.  It's part of growing up.  It's better to have a handful of real friends than a ton of fake ones.  I hope things get better for you.

[letmeout]

I hear where you are coming from. When they go on a smear campaign, they tend to go all out. Since mine repeats lies excessively, he had everyone believing that I did all of the things that he actually did. He even had our own children buying into his lies.

It took a while to recover from the relationship, my counselor said he sounded more like narcissistic psychopath. That idea never occurred since psychologist had previously thought he had BPD.   

At any rate, bullying, gaslighting, insulting, withholding, blaming, lying are all traits in a person that do not lend themselves to a healthy relationship.

Or if you're in a relationship with ANYONE who has those traits or who can be spiteful, paranoid, exploitative and argumentative, then go No Contact and consider yourself lucky you don't have to deal with them anymore.   

If they convince your friends of their lies, go make new friends. The friends I have now I wouldn't trade for the world, they are so much better than the old ones that were a part of his followers. 

 

[once removed]

what sorts of posts are you putting on their walls?

[Learn and live]

once removed
They are all actors so auditions notices in their area that fit their type, video from an incubus concert because incubus is a favorite band of the most heartbreaking loss... .

I get that the answer seems to be let them go and make new friends... .its just hard because the one that really mattered was like a best friend. makes me feel kinda defective to be selected over my ex. Granted he views her like a little sister so there's that. they live together too. He's gay so there isn't a chance that they are dating or anything.

[Learn and live]

@Frankee Thank you for your parallel story and understanding. It's hopeful that one of your friends tried to come back after some time and realization on their part
the part that still hurts is that my buddy WAS the kind of friend that we could come back together after years and get on like the last time we saw each other was yesterday... .I think that's why its so difficult.
I'm struggling with accepting that there isn't anything I can do to reach out to him that would be invited... .
Last I heard from anyone in that group she was calling me a narcissistic sociopath and an emotional manipulator who wouldn't leave her alone. when I am the one who implemented no contact and blocked her... .Its mind boggling.

[Learn and live]

@letmeout
Thanks for your words. I really appreciate them. that is a helpful and concise list of traits to watch out for in the fututre.

[once removed]

once removed
They are all actors so auditions notices in their area that fit their type, video from an incubus concert because incubus is a favorite band of the most heartbreaking loss... .

yeesh. theyre deleting those?

has there been any kind of communication around this? have you considered reaching out and asking whats up?

[Learn and live]

once removed. Any time i reach out  they respond way later and its sparse. I haven't asked why they aren't allowing my post to be on their page because i don't want to come off obsessive if that's the picture shes painting. Some of them are still acquainted with the core group of friends that shes a part of. Others in that group have no reason to doubt her and so they hate me outright. since THEY aren't blocked from seeing my activity (not friends on fb but not blocked) they can see my posts. perhaps they report back to her if they see things? and that puts the others at risk? i don't know... .every so often my old bestie contacts me or will reply with heartfelt sentiments or jokes and then rush away back into his cave and remain sparse. its bizarre... .this behavior didn't kick up until the break up... .

[hope2727]

I am sorry you are experiencing this. I have been there. I can only say that the sooner I culled the friend herd so to speak the faster I healed. I unfriended, blocked and deleted numbers for anyone that I had a bad gut feeling about. It was the best thing I ever did. Those who loved me and knew me didn't entertain his BS for one second and are still a major part of my life. The rest were not worth my time or energy. Whats more the space it left in my life allowed for new and positive people to enter my world. You will survive this. Just remember ever time you try to defend yourself to these people you look guilty. Just ignore ignore ignore. They will see the truth soon enough. Or not. Whatever you will have moved on and built a happy healthy life by then.

[once removed]

do you know whether or not your ex is smearing you to them?

there are a few different reaching out approaches you can take. anything from just asking them to hang out, or "i was remembering that hilarious thing you said that time the other day, really takes me back!" or "ive noticed things feel distant between us, and i want you to know i value our friendship. is there anything i can do" or some variation of that.

sadly, friendships can be a toll of breakups. i lost a bunch myself, not mutual friends, but people i let go by the wayside, who i reached out to but had moved on. its hard and adds to the grief. are you doing anything to try to make new friends, or even acquaintances?

[Learn and live]

Once Removed
Well her ex before me is still entrenched in that group of friends but has taken to insulting her when she talks out of turn. He's still enmeshed in my opinion but that's neither here nor there. He told me that shes painting me like a narcissistic emotional abuser but i haven't spoken with him since Feb when i moved. They are all in Chicago so hanging out with my old friends isn't an  option. I moved back home after the break up to get the earth back under me. Its been a year and a quarter since the break up. so i figured reaching out was a good idea(too my friends). I've tried bringing up the distance, asking if there's something i can do... .All that happens is passive deflection with no definite boundary drawing. he will finally after some time acknowledge some tension but for a while, not even that. But he doesn't directly end the friendship either... .
On the other side of things, I am making new friends. I am an actor myself and have been cast in several plays over the next year some that put me in different cities where I'll meet people. It just hurts to let go of this one if that's what is called for... .I'm still holding out hope though, because a mutual friend of ours who is in L.A.  is liking the stuff i post on my friends page. Probably trying to quell the tension between us... .

[Learn and live]

hope2727
Thank you for your condolences . they are much appreciated. Im really hesitant to Cull the heard thought because what if they realize that she is what she is and want to come back? I have great memories with those people and we got along just fine when this wasn't an issue. I'm worried that putting more distance might further damage the opportunity for rekindling

[Torched]

I had to deal with a bit of this myself early on in my divorce... .felt like an absolute leper and I was ex-communicated by my closest friend.

You really should go back and read Hope2727's post on page one.  That is the only thing that worked for me.  Otherwise, I would have continued abusing myself by trying to figure out why my good old friends wouldn't associate with me anymore knowing what they *should* have known.  It wasn't worth the time anymore, and I told them on my own terms that if they ever needed anything, I'd be there for them.  Otherwise, that I was disappointed that they didn't believe me about who she really was and would stop trying to stay in touch with them.  No response.

One day they will find out.  But they won't have the character to look me up and tell me so.  Oh well.

I would recommend you quit trying to make things happen with these friends who aren't really friends, in the end... .and make room for new positive people as the previous poster says.  It made a gradual world of difference for me.

[hope2727]

Seriously cull the herd for 3 reasons.

1) anyone who believes that BS is not a true friend

2) if they come back do you really want a fair weather friend?

3) it leaves space for new and amazing friendships to arise.

I just spent the day helping my friend's parents install a huge window that required multiple people to help lift it. This is a friend I would never have met, connected with or learned to love if I hadn't made space for her in my life. I am so grateful for her. Her son calls me his step mom (his dad is deceased and he wanted a step mom and chose me when he was 5). Her parents consider me part of the family. I care for her son and her 2 step daughters regularly and she is my rock in hard times. I would never have had this amazing experience as a part of her family if I hadn't culled the herd. I still have happy memories of my ex friends. However, I actually don't miss them at all anymore. I am grateful for the role they played in my life and now I have moved onto a new phase that they didn't fit into. bigger better people came to take their place.

I hope you are ok and I am sorry for the grief you are experiencing over the loss of these friendships. But remember a true friend wouldn't have bought a moment of the BS. My true friends didn't and my new friends don't.