I was drawn to the intense closeness

[spacecadet]

  My first post. I would choose to post this in the "learning" section but I'm new here so this is the only place it will let me post which is fine.

My breakup was a couple months ago but it was a LD r/s of only a few months so my mind is not on the past much now, rather looking forward. I'm thinking one reason I was drawn to someone with borderline issues (have no clue what if any a dx might be) is because I like intense closeness at times but also need a lot of space. Most so-called normal r/s's feel suffocating to me. I'm wondering if there's anyone out there who can connect the way I can, but not be off catting around in between dates. Because I'm monogamous and this is an important value to me.

Anyone else relate to this?

[once removed]

hi wisedup22 and

good question! this is a great place to learn more about ourselves, others, as well as how to build healthier relationships in the future.

many of us tend to confuse intensity with intimacy. as an introvert, im very selective (even picky) about who i choose as friends or partners, i dont click with just anyone. to some extent, i need that sense of clicking, and 'getting' each other early on.

and this is not an inherently bad thing. for example, my best friend, i met on our first day of sixth grade, we were immediately like brothers, and have been ever since. my closest friendships have tended to be similar.

having said that, ive also learned that true closeness, trust, intimacy, all of these things are built slowly over time. my friend and i may have had an instant connection, but the closeness and trust we have today have been built (are still building) over many many years. we (collectively) often extrapolate the immediate connection to mean that all of those things exist over night, and that is often how a relationship with someone with BPD evolves.

also as an introvert, i definitely need my space, and fairly often. i didnt have that in my relationship with my ex, and it was definitely suffocating. introverts are often attracted to, and can mix very well with extroverts, but both really need to be on the same page in order to meet each others needs - its a compatibility thing.

what have your other relationships looked like in terms of this closeness vs space dynamic?

[spacecadet]

Hi OR, thanks for the welcome. Interesting your experience as an introvert in r/s, and that your bp-ex felt suffocating.

I was married to my college sweetheart, we were together a total of 13 years. We were never really compatible though, I forget the specifics but on the Meyers-Briggs we were really the opposite in every category, so we'd talk at each other but completely miss.

Since then r/s very sporadic and have not lived with someone else, not sure I want to. Definitely not something I fantasize about   Regular visits would be nice tho.

[once removed]

something i noticed is that while you like a certain intense closeness, theres a lot of emphasis on space - you say normal relationships feel suffocating where a relationship with someone with BPD can tend to be very intense - a healthy relationship has its share of space.

have you read up on attachment styles?

[spacecadet]

OR, yes I took a test on that early this year and my style is secure. Of course after a few months with the BP, whose issues were never identified but all make sense now looking back, I developed a more anxious outlook but that was temporary. If I were to do over with the knowledge I have, I would be more patient with him as there were signs he was in recovery or at least had some insight and was trying to pace the r/s so he could maintain his comfort level. However he did not open up to me about his issues so I concluded he was avoiding a r/s and would never open up about the real reasons.

I think my marriage, which was more conventional but with a man who wasn't really mature, just turned me off to living with someone. He would show his anger indirectly, putting on a nice face and then finding ways to express hostility covertly. e.g. I did more of the house cleaning and he did more of the cooking, so he'd eat before he came home and then about 8pm ask if I was hungry (of course I was!) Refusing to fix the heat which was broken for two years. Just a constant diet of this and out of control spending, sex which felt like he was masturbating on my body.

And he was "healthier" than a BP, supposedly.  

So I got to where I wanted to be with a man who could come out and express anger. Ideally with some insight so it was roughly proportionate to whatever was really going on between us, and not rage because of something that happened when he was a child.

Of course a lot of men seem to become more short-fused when they realize they care about you because they're fighting for their freedom.

And I'm very picky, I don't meet many men that I'm really attracted to romantically/physically. I have to admire someone, look up to them for being knowledgeable and having mastery of the world in some ways. I've always been very independent -- more than one man has told me that I am smart and strong enough to "intimidate" them. I've never met someone strong enough I could lean on them sometimes and that feels so seductive to me as my recent ex. Kind of an alpha male but with many dimensions. Someone I want to submit to, at least at times... .not incessantly because I'll never be a dependent, passive person.

My BP ex had all these qualities that drew me in separate from the borderline related attributes... .he was very strong yet had a vulnerable side -- which we all do but many people do a lot of covering up. He could just melt like butter which was so endearing.

He had a protective/caretaking side which I could sense and it felt wonderful. He really loved his kids -- there probably were some deficits in their r/s just because of his issues, but he would have done anything for them. So I had a sense of his big heart. He was also brilliant and had a sense of irony, which is very sexy to me.

So I meet other men ... .I've had so-called "normal" r/s in the past few years albeit 3-4 months. No one really drew me in sexually so they all fizzled of course.

I'm struggling with missing these qualities ex had that are not found in 99 percent of men I meet. Although I feel content overall, which is kind of my nature, there's a wistfulness about not seeing him ever again. Not like I'll die or my heart will break, but... .realizing the little extra happiness I felt when I knew we were friends. We would seem to be done according to his preference because other than the online pinging there's NC.  Always hard to tell if BP might "recycle." They're striving for a lower carbon footprint maybe.  

When I keep myself really busy with work and friends, he's out of my mind but in my idle time he comes to mind more. Maybe the answer is to just not be idle.

Thanks for asking, you obviously provoked a lot of thought! How are you doing now, have you moved into a new r/s?

[once removed]

I'm very picky

nothing inherently wrong with that. with billions of people in the world, we have to do some ruling out. high standards are okay. i dont see anything that you describe that is unrealistic or severely limiting.

So I meet other men ... .I've had so-called "normal" r/s in the past few years albeit 3-4 months. No one really drew me in sexually so they all fizzled of course.

i think this is worth closer examination. whats a so called "normal" relationship to you? most relationships end around 3-4 months for one reason or another, and usually because of inherent incompatibility, so nothing alarming there, but was sex the primary deal breaker for you?

i know in my case id never had my idea of a "normal" or healthy relationship. sometime after i learned about BPD, it was suggested that i have some unconscious fear of intimacy. as i read more, it elaborated, and pegged reasons, some more legitimate than others, that i ruled out partners i saw as healthy or normal. it raised resounding alarm bells, although it was not intuitive, because i also craved real intimacy.

that may or may not apply to you as it does to me. part of examining what we want in a new relationship is examining who we are as a partner. how compatible we are with the general population, whether our boundaries are too rigid or too flexible, whether there are flaws in our belief systems about healthy relationships, those sorts of things.

How are you doing now, have you moved into a new r/s?

thank you for asking. i am not dating and have not for some time; im not really in a position to due to some health issues. i did however go in a rather questionable direction dating wise after my uBPDex (no regrets, it really helped me better see my role in hindsight) and im soaking up all i can learn here and from others in my life for when i am ready and able to get back out there. im eager

[spacecadet]

I'm sorry you've been struggling with health issues, I've been there and it's tough. It certainly can be an impediment to starting a new r/s. You sound like you have a great outlook and I wish you the best when you are ready to dive back into the dating world. How long has it been since your r/s w/BP broke up? If you feel like sharing your story I'll read it but if you don't it's cool. I know sometimes it's best to shed that old stuff.

Thanks again for sharing your insights and questions about my situation. They're helpful, part of the process I need to go through. It definitely is better to look inward than look back at the past r/s which I really had no control over, only how I move forward from here.

When I say "normal" r/s that lasted a few months, they were with people who basically function pretty well in the world, did not seem to have a serious mental health issue, more the usual suspects. Here's why each one fizzled.

1. Divorced man who'd been married 25+ years when his wife cheated. Certain things he said and did made me believe he was a closeted gay.

2. Man who'd been divorced five years and had three grown kids. He said he'd been mildly but chronically depressed a long time, and it seemed to me he would play the depression card. Example, I lost a cat while we were friends and he talked more about a dog he'd lost 4 years ago. Depression or no, he was self-centered.

3. A third man, I actually felt a spark with him but after two dates and some light affection I asked him if he would mind taking things slowly (in other words I don't wish to sleep with you tonight because I barely effing know you), and he disappeared. He drove a Corvette and I figure he was a player so good riddance.

These were all in the past year.

4. Two years ago I met someone I felt some attraction to but he actually described with a chuckle his 20-year volatile marriage and how he would do passive-aggressive things to his ex "just to get back at her." My ex-husband all over again.

The above are my typical dating experiences. These were all men I met online, through a Christian dating site. Ha! There you go for religion.

No one in my circle of friends asked me out, probably in large part because my male friends are either married or 20 years younger than me. One of the young ones suggested we be "cuddle buddies" (no) and I had a couple married men come out and tell me they had crushes on me which I discourage.

Here's my conclusion about men I've gotten close to, based on my life. And please understand I'm NOT talking about male friends who are in happy marriages, only about those I've been involved with. And I'm NOT talking about men here who've been involved with ex-BPs that they tried to save over and over. I find the men in my life incredibly, stultifyingly self-centered.

That's where the BP had it on every other man I've ever met: He listened to me. He paid attention to me. He thought everything I said was fascinating.

Okay so it was an all act. But where do I go from here? Rhetorical question,  of course no one knows. I'm asking the universe. 

I've adopted two strategies. With the dating web site, I'm focusing on widowers. Not because they're perfect, but at least they hung in their with their wives. One I'm in touch with (LD) is very nice, although I have no idea if I'll feel any attraction until we meet. (I'm moving to his area.)

The second strategy is, skewing toward men I meet in person at singles events or professional networking. At least men there ... .show up! And you can quickly gauge attraction level on both sides. With internet sites, a high a proportion are stuck in a serial dating loop rather than trying to meet someone special, despite proclamations to the contrary.

[Lost-love-mind]

Wow.
We sound like we had the same exBPD experience
Your desire to meet a man parallels my own to meet a woman.
However, as a man in his 50s my prospects are very few and in between
I did meet a married woman in the grocery store with non GMO food in common.
We had fun for 15 minutes and she insisted I give her my phone #. Not my card, don't have any. My actual # where she tracked down the paper and pen. Now if she ever called me, what would I do?
I'm skiddish over dating website since that is where I met the exBPD.
Biggest pleasure this last week was the physical labor job (in an advanced college degree book worm) outdoors I took. Buffing up the old muscles and getting a tan.
I have 5 good Christian friends that support and encouragement me to move on.
Yes, I'm moving to a rural area close to the city. Best of both worlds. Things are looking up.

[once removed]

How long has it been since your r/s w/BP broke up? If you feel like sharing your story I'll read it but if you don't it's cool. I know sometimes it's best to shed that old stuff.

thanks for the kind words. its been six and a half years since we broke up, and we were together two years and ten months. im not averse to telling my story, but as you can imagine the details are exhaustive, lots are lost, and its all old news today. there are pieces throughout my posts, but a good read/discussion is a page back on this board, a thread titled Were You a Martyr For Love?

It definitely is better to look inward than look back at the past r/s which I really had no control over, only how I move forward from here.

i dont think this contradicts your point, but i think we can do both. we can look at what kind of partners we were. how we adapted. how we coped. where we need work, going forward, both in finding healthier/better partners and in being that ourselves.

2. Man who'd been divorced five years and had three grown kids. He said he'd been mildly but chronically depressed a long time, and it seemed to me he would play the depression card. Example, I lost a cat while we were friends and he talked more about a dog he'd lost 4 years ago. Depression or no, he was self-centered.

yikes, im with you on that one, and a lot of the world does this (and its invalidating, at least to me). for some its a style of relating that is just fine. personally i need a partner who can focus on me, in terms of emotional support. it sounds like youve identified a key part of compatibility, for you.

The above are my typical dating experiences.

i dont see much out of the ordinary (universally speaking), or hypervigilance on your end, just dead end relationships and some yellow to red flags. truth is, and i probably dont need to tell you, that reflects the dating world, for the most part. there are many more people out there that are not 'for us' than ones that are (within variable reason of course, as for example, we can be too picky, too rigid with our boundaries, lots of things), and we need the knowledge and skill set to recognize who is and isnt (and why), who might be. as i said, most relationships burn around 3-4 months and it sounds like you were wise to get out.

I find the men in my life incredibly, stultifyingly self-centered.

why do you think this might be, and in terms of who we surround ourselves with, what, if anything, do you think it might have to do with you?

most of my relationships have been nightmares, and i was apprehensive about entering into each, yet i did. it helped me to look at the unconscious ways in which i was gravitating in that direction.

it may not apply in exactly the same way for you, but i think when we find ourselves surrounded by people we have problems with/object to, it begs the question of how we got there (there can be many reasons), and what can we do about it.

That's where the BP had it on every other man I've ever met: He listened to me. He paid attention to me. He thought everything I said was fascinating.

it can be intoxicating to meet someone who you feel "gets you" and understands you. fills you with confidence like never before. it feels right, a once in a lifetime kind of thing. until, of course, it doesnt. and we collectively tend to struggle with the dichotomy - idealization and devaluation.

I've adopted two strategies.

i think these strategies are as good as any. in the mean time, have you thought about yourself, in terms of what kind of partner you are, what you have to offer, what you click and dont click with, where you have room to grow? you can treat that as a rhetorical question or indulge it, but i think its an area to explore that yields great results.

[spacecadet]

Hi Lost-love-mind, glad things are looking up for you. You never know, the non-GMO woman could be a good friend.

I find that it's about friendship built one step at a time, with mutual trust. That's something I thought the ex and I agreed about, but who knows what he really thought or what he wanted.

Once Removed,

I love this quote:

"It can be intoxicating to meet someone who you feel "gets you" and understands you. fills you with confidence like never before. it feels right, a once in a lifetime kind of thing. until, of course, it doesn't."

There's the whole ball of wax. 

I agree with you that looking deeper into who we are and what we offer, plus what we need, is valuable.

It seems likely that what I really want just isn't out there. The qualities I want in another are not found together, e.g. being very strong and protective at the same time sensitive and able to be vulnerable, are never found in one person, and they co-existed in the BP (unless he was pretending? I don't know) Men who are strong and protective tend to be cut off from the vulnerable parts of themselves.

I'm pretty complex myself, therein lies the problem. When I'm with a man who can "meet me" in some of my areas -- say he's smart and can have intellectual conversations -- well, turns out he's very out of touch with his emotions and I'm a passionate person so he can't "get" big chunks of me.

I'm nurturing, yet I'd love someone to be protective of me. That's what I felt in the ex's hug. It's a visceral thing, you can never explain it but it goes right through to your soul.

I'm independent, yet when I meet someone who's confident and decisive, it's a relief because I get tired of slaying dragons in my career. It's okay that I don't have answers all the time.

So I think this means I may never be with someone who "feels me," not truly. And thus while not being a BP myself, I can identify with the BP's deep well of loneliness.

[once removed]

There's the whole ball of wax. 

to have an intense connection right off the bat is good chemistry. its not the foundation of healthy long term relationships. these things - "getting" one another are slowly built over time, trial and error, and bonding in other ways.

The qualities I want in another are not found together, e.g. being very strong and protective at the same time sensitive and able to be vulnerable, are never found in one person

sure they are . i would describe all of my male friends that way. as you said, your ex had both qualities. i think most of us experience a version of this (a feeling that no one will compare to our ex); why do you feel hes the only one out there youll have this sort of connection with?

So I think this means I may never be with someone who "feels me," not truly. And thus while not being a BP myself, I can identify with the BP's deep well of loneliness.

i dont think the qualities you described wanting in a partner are unrealistic or especially rare. i do think you stumbled on something that may be at play. a deep well of loneliness, many here will tell you, was part of the reason they were intoxicated with the relationship, and how they felt they met their soulmate.

the insidious thing about loneliness is that it, itself, can keep us from feeling connected to others. i would suspect (correct me if im wrong) that this feeling was there long before him. when and where do you think it started?

[spacecadet]

to have an intense connection right off the bat is good chemistry. its not the foundation of healthy long term relationships. these things - "getting" one another are slowly built over time, trial and error, and bonding in other ways.

I agree with you about chemistry and friendship. The former can happen rather quickly and the latter builds over time. I think most of us yearn for both.

Did things happen quickly with your expwBP?

sure they are . i would describe all of my male friends that way. as you said, your ex had both qualities.

Well y'all come on over for a visit   jk

i think most of us experience a version of this (a feeling that no one will compare to our ex); why do you feel hes the only one out there youll have this sort of connection with?

There are a lot of dimensions to him, and to me, as described above. I'm in my 50s so have met a lot of people through my career and socially. He's a very special, unusual person. Of course the BPD issues add still more complexities and challenges. But as we know here, people with a mental illness are not merely that illness, each person is a unique mix of character and qualities. The BPD was what motivated him to mirror so thoroughly, but many of his gifts have nothing to do with that.

i do think you stumbled on something that may be at play. a deep well of loneliness, many here will tell you, was part of the reason they were intoxicated with the relationship, and how they felt they met their soulmate.

I think it comes partly from FOO, my mom I would describe as somewhat histrionic, certainly self-absorbed. I explored this in counseling/therapy during and just after my divorce 20 years ago.

But also I think it's part of all of our condition, if we're authentic and want to know ourselves. I think everyone who wants to live, say the examined life, will at times feel this horrific pain of separation (from one another, our source or creator, and even from other parts of ourself). It's a personal struggle and a universal one too. Even in the first days of feeling heartbroken when ex left, I was aware that he was a conduit for this feeling not really the cause, if that makes sense. The feeling was too deep to be about him alone.

We're all connected yet separate, and we grapple with both aspects... .much has been written about the tension between these two, from the great philosophers, ancient spiritual teachings on through to the latest psychological theories. You may have gathered that I'm more of a Jung fan than Freud. 

[once removed]

Did things happen quickly with your expwBP?

she moved in "against my will". that being in quotes because how does someone just move into your home against your will? it wasnt for lack of trying to push her out. she also dropped "i love you" within the first week, and i said it back even though that was much too early for me.

There are a lot of dimensions to him, and to me, as described above.

... .

He's a very special, unusual person.

ive no doubt there are lots of qualities that make him a special and unique person. i think for the most part, we wouldnt have been with our partners if that werent the case.

have you had any friends you felt this way about? that close, soul mate like bond?

The feeling was too deep to be about him alone.

looking back at the title of your thread, youve said that your ex projected both strength and vulnerability, and you place a high priority on finding these things in a future partner. what are some other things? what are some values? what are some superficial qualities?

you can pick from some of these too! https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships

[spacecadet]

You ask thought-provoking questions, as always.

First, about your r/s, someone saying I love you and wanting to move in right away, I can see where if we are lonely or have not felt deeply desired by another for a while this might be very seductive.

have you had any friends you felt this way about? that close, soul mate like bond?

The short answer to the above question, with respect to a SO is sadly no, never a soulmate. But yes I’ve had many friends, a few of whom felt like soulmates, generally women but here and there a close male friend. All bright and talented people, from different parts of the U.S. or the world, black white Asian... .but their interior qualities I connected with deeply. One girlfriend, we’d have these wild, intense convos, then joke about it afterward, like wow that was great sex, we should share a smoke or something. ha ha  Sex is like having a deep conversation to me anyway.

One thing I realized about the ex that gave that feeling of being a potential soulmate (potential only, other stuff needed) – he was a hyperempath. I am too. Probably many “non’s” here are too. (maybe this would make a good survey/test?) Reading others’ faces, picking up emotional vibes, it’s easy to go on overload. It’s necessary to shut down at intervals, clear out the gunk. I have routines to do this. Karla McLaren calls it “emotional hygeine.”

This would be a nice quality to find, very unlikely. Can make for a deep connection as long as both people know how to recharge their batteries and afford one another the space and time to do so. Ex did not demonstrate that he had developed the skills to talk this stuff out, where people would normally negotiate he was unable or unwilling to do so.

looking back at the title of your thread, youve said that your ex projected both strength and vulnerability, and you place a high priority on finding these things in a future partner. what are some other things? what are some values? what are some superficial qualities?

you can pick from some of these too! https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships

Thank you for asking. These are great, I agree that respect, trust and fairness are essential. The particulars are generally negotiated in r/s, but I would need a man who shared these values.

Having a social conscience, caring about the environment and the working poor in this country. I’ve already said intelligence, loyalty, monogamy. Educated is good though self-taught / autodidact works. Protectiveness, courage. Ideally someone who can open me up to new ideas and experiences, and maybe places I know nothing about. My mind is restless but I’m not sophisticated in some ways.

On the more “superficial” side, I love a handsome voice, a man who grooms himself neatly and is taller than me. I love brown eyes and darker complexions, anywhere from Mediterranean to black, but if someone has an abundance of the interior qualities that attract me blond works too.

See what I mean about picky? If I found 80% of the above I’d be thrilled, but I don’t even think this exists, on top of which I would need to fit all of this man’s criteria! I’m fine flying solo, but would love to experience a few years of genuine love with passion and compassion. Where there’s a strong spark combined with a genuine fondness and friendship. I've never experienced this. Even if it were to last just a few years, say one of us died (natural causes, not by means of arsenic in the tea ha ha) I could look back on it and say, yes I knew real love. Back in 2018-2021. Those were great years. I could live off that, that and a cat or two to keep me company.

[PaticAttack]

THIS! This has been the most wonderful, deep and how I feel topic I have read so far.  I just got off a 13 hr work day and have had a couple glasses of wine and would love to quote so much of this but I do not have the mental strength. Few things/notes I wrote down. Picky, yep, always thought I might be narcissistic or an ass. The hyperempath, yep also!  The part about wanting to live the examined life, "at times feel this horrific pain of separation (from one another, our source or creator, and even from other parts of ourself)."  You have touched on so many feelings about r/s's that I thought were "broken" parts of myself. To the part about wanting that "experience for a few years of genuine love with passion and compassion.  Where there's a strong spark combined with a genuine fondness and friendship".  Thank you for this, it has been a wonderful read and has helped me with examining myself, my desires and my needs.

[Hisaccount]

– he was a hyperempath. I am too. Probably many “non’s” here are too.

This is something I have been looking into. I know I am hypersensitive. That is one of the things that everyone I have dated or been with has said, that I am really tuned in. Focused on them, but not in the creepy way.

Interesting and wise conversation going on here.

Wisedup,
It sounds like you got all the good out of the BPD relationship and none of the bad? Is that correct?

I am currently in a relationship, for 7 months. First long one after my BPDx left. I went through a lot of phases and questions.
Missed that fast deep connection so badly, so completely immersed in one another. I thought that this gal just wasn't into me since I wasn't getting those things I was looking for. I even tried to chase her off.
She kept coming back though and the more we talked the more she has worked at calming my fears and filling my desires. Knowing what I went through she has always been supportive.
I know what I was looking for was not normal or healthy but I still wanted it.
Never would have thought she was the one, but she keeps trying and over time as our relationship continues to develop those things I missed become less and less important as the trust grows and I feel like she will always be there for me, or always be mine.
Just saying don't overlook everyone. It does take time. 
 

[spacecadet]

THIS! This has been the most wonderful, deep and how I feel topic I have read so far... .Thank you for this, it has been a wonderful read and has helped me with examining myself, my desires and my needs.

Hi PaticAttack,
Glad my dialogue w/ Once Removed is helpful to others as it has been to me.  The good news is I know what I want, the bad is that it doesn't exist.  

Wisedup,
It sounds like you got all the good out of the BPD relationship and none of the bad? Is that correct?

I am currently in a relationship, for 7 months... .
Just saying don't overlook everyone. It does take time.  
 

Hi Hisaccount, thanks for your kind comments. I'm not sure what you're asking here... .but I'll take a go at it. My r/s was LDR, lasted about 5 months. He was never unkind, he was wonderful. But it was the mirroring stuff on both our parts. I knew he had issues because he kept apologizing and is a very confident person socially/in career but with me at times showed self-doubts. He was actually trying to pace things to let the friendship develop gradually. Well, I did the girl thing and got sentimental and let him know I cared. He got nervous, maybe felt fenced in and/or not confident that my feelings were based on the "real him," and he called things off. Since then low contact. Now my move is imminent (which I'd planned since late last year although it's taken longer than I anticipated).

Honestly I have felt like a big chunk of what he struggles with is PTSD. Maybe from a combination of childhood things and past r/s's. And he's afraid of being left so there's one BP element, but he's raised a family and my hunch is he's a really decent person with a good heart. Scared and nervous about r/s, maybe moody, maybe a pessimist in general. Whereas I can feel hope in the middle of a cyclone. (maybe i can use a few drops of pessimism to be more realistic)

Bottom line, I'm meeting other people but I care for him. Have been working on myself to detach and be okay with whatever happens. I need to stay in a growth mode regardless, spiritual and emotional. If he wants to be friends I will. I'd like to know the real him.

Hope this isn't TMI. I just told someone else it's obvious my field was public relations, not writing ad copy.  

I wish you the very best in your new r/s. She sounds like a gem and I'm glad you have that special connection we all want.

[Hisaccount]

You answered it very well.
So he isn't diagnosed with BPD or anything like that. It sounds more like he is just having a hard time and needs some more healing, or like you said has some ptsd from his past that is unresolved and during your short time you saw some traits that could be BPD related? 

I ask because like in my relationship, as with many here, we had the idealization phase. It sounds like that is kind of what you were initially enjoying with him and looking for again.

But it doesn't sound like you ever had a devaluation phase.
So for me, I had like 6 months of idealization and 9.5 years of devaluation.
In other words, for 6 months I thought I met my soul mate, the perfect partner that finally understood and accepted me, was doing her best to make me feel like I was a king. But then for the next 9.5 years it was horrible abuse, verbal, emotional abuse. Lies, cheating, mood swings, meltdowns, addictions, suicide attempts. Chaos would have been a nice vacation compared to what many of us have lived through.

That is how I ended up here and started learning about my ex and me.
As badly as we want someone to be that perfect person we are looking for it is just not possible in a healthy relationship. We are all different, every partner should have things we love about them, but also things we don't like about them. Through the course of time one will outweigh the other.

[spacecadet]

Hisaccount, that sounds like a real nightmare. I'm very sorry you suffered that. And now you're beyond it and have a quality and compassionate gf. Bravo for you for the work you've done on yourself and your new r/s.  

PaticAttack, how long has it been since your r/s ended? What steps have you taken to care for yourself with old friends or are you reaching out to make new ones? If you care to share. Be well.