BPD partner suffering enough just being BPD?

[WildernessMan]

For those of you living with a partner who suffers with BPD, do you think they're suffering enough just having BPD? I've been dealing with this delima for a couple of weeks now. She has made me suffer for 23 years with her BPD related parental alientation, anger, lack of sex life, moodiness.

I do know she suffers through a lot of "negative self talk" because she's mentioned it.   

Should I make her suffer when I have a opportunity to impose it, or has she suffered enough inside her BPD brain? What do feel about that? 

[Notwendy]

What is the point of making someone suffer?
 -
Dealing with co-dependency, I had to look at how I tried to fix people's feelings or appease them in order to prevent them from having uncomfortable feelings. A person with BPD has difficulty managing their own uncomfortable feelings and this can be the cause of their own suffering.

Yet all of us- have experienced uncomfortable feelings and we have to learn to manage them. Someone may do or say something that we feel upset or disappointed over, yet, they did not "make us suffer"- they may have said no to us, or rejected us- yet their motivation was their own wishes or boundaries- not an intent to cause suffering.

Holding on to your own boundaries may result in some uncomfortable feelings for your wife. She may believe you are causing her to suffer and accuse you of it, but you are not doing this to her.

The drama triangle discusses these dynamics. People can rotate between all three roles. I think pwBPD tend to take victim perspective and believe others are their Persecutors. If you cause her to suffer, you are being a persecutor on this triangle. It may bring you temporary satisfaction but it doesn't help you or her or change the drama dynamics.

Consider- self care for you- rather than a focus on her. What would bring you a happy moment? A walk in the park, a movie, a good book, some time alone for peace and quiet, taking care of something you need to do? Your wife may not be happy about that but this is her choice. You are not making her suffer, you are taking care of you.

[WildernessMan]

Notwendy - Good points. Wonderful way to look at it. That's the way I've been thinking as well but guess I just needed to hear it.

It's a difficult time for me. A lot of confusing feelings right now. Trying to deal with my feelings, but do it in a sane and reasonable manner. I certainly don't want to mirror my BPD wife's behavior.

Thank you for your input! I needed that.

[Notwendy]

I'm glad I could help you think of ways to take care of you. I think you are correct- I think pwBPD cause some of their suffering by taking victim perspective-  but we can not control how anyone thinks. It is very hard to watch someone we care about feel this way,but we can't fix it. To constantly appease them to make them feel better doesn't help in the long run and isn't good for them or us.

When there is a change in this- there can be an extinction burst. It's hard to hold on to boundaries when this happens but it is important to do that if the boundary is to have meaning.

[Hisaccount]

In another thread it was mentioned that every attempt to get revenge, which is basically what you are doing, backfires when you are dealing with PD's

So no I wouldn't go there.

Try to focus on you. You deserve it, you are worth it.

[WildernessMan]

Thank you HISACCOUNT. I think you're correct in saying revinge against a BPD spouse isn't worth it. I came to my senses on that. It would just be so nice to lash out  you know. Maybe not pay the garbage bill and let it pile up on her. But I won't.

[Hisaccount]

They have a hard life the way it is.

I look at mine, and don't get me wrong, I would love to see her fail, but I know I will. I know she will fail.

My ex had a turbulent employment history as many do. So I helped her start her own business, thinking if she was top dog it would eliminate the issues she was having with EVERY job. 

That failing business is part of what pushed her over the edge.

So in all fairness, yes I am seeking revenge and I am happy to see her misery, but I am not stupid enough to be in a position to take the fall for it. LOL

Reality is, I am not watching. She could have failed already, she could be going great, but years from now I will find out and just laugh because I know how it ends already.
I have a good life without her.

You can have a good life with her or without her. The choice is yours.

[Cat Familiar]

I can understand the sentiment. It took a very long time for me to get over my anger about my husband's irresponsible attitude about household chores, his alcohol abuse, his overall sense of entitlement and attitude of superiority whenever I tried to discuss any of my concerns about these things with him.

I was such a caretaker that I was constantly picking up his slack and then feeling resentful about it. I think it's fine to let consequences happen, especially if they're minor ones.

As an example, I used to constantly remind him to unplug his little portable stereo that he listens to at the pool gazebo. I prefer silence, rather than music when I'm swimming, but whatever. He'd promise to do so and then, I would find it plugged in later... .every time.

The sprinklers come on every couple days and I didn't want it to get ruined by the overspray, or if it were to rain.

After many time of "saving" his stereo, it occurred to me that I don't care a whit about it and if it were to get ruined, so be it. So I just quit saying anything, quit bringing it into the pool house when it rained and in the process avoided all sorts of hostile attitudes from him that arose whenever I reminded him about it.

It's endured lots of rainstorms, irrigation water, heat and sunlight and it still keeps working. A part of me hopes it will die soon, but it will probably even survive the next snow storm because I won't be bringing it indoors.