My pops, mom and best friend don't support me

[AngelBuds]

That's the word I will say to outsiders (those wo experience with real life abuses/issues). Every single person I trusted to share a bit about my severely abusive Husband, reacts like abuse is word for "lovers spat" or "pregnancy hormones" or blame the victim game, or go easy on him, or they start making excuses for him.

Those reactions cut me deep cus it was my Pops, mom and best friend who reacted as such.  Even when I said he is severely abusing me and I'm suffering immensely... .Ya, no support.  At all.  Suck it up. 
 I say abuse to professionals or other survivors and they perk up and listen.  This is why I don't have friends, my whole​ life has been abuse and me fighting to save myself... .Me running from abuse... .Regular ppl just have no clue. 

But, if I say he cheated on me, everyone knows that word. He did cheat on me, with a woman named severely abusive.

[formflier]

Perhaps consider just asking your family for support.  Describe what you want to see/hear/get from them.

Spare them the details of your relationship.  It doesn't sound like they have the relationship skills to "deal with" the level of dysfunction that you are describing to them.  Please don't hold it against them.  Many therapists will avoid the level of "stuff" that BPD relationships bring, so... .again... .don't hold it against your family.

Thoughts?

FF

[Frankee]

It pains me to hear similar description.  My family doesn't know.  I don't talk to them about any of the rages, outburst, mean horrible things that have been said.  They would say he's a monster, a danger to the kids, to "just leave".  When they don't understand.  Yes he has emotionally and verbally abused me.  Said things to me that left me locking myself in the bathroom, crying so hard so I didn't think I can take the pain anymore.  So many times, I thought about abandoning everything, just to escape the abuse.  I don't excuse or condone any of his actions.  I have thought so many times of leaving, wishing him gone, wishing I could take the kids and leave.  Then I see him.  Anyone who says that I'm making excuses or giving reasons to not leave doesn't see.  He's trying hard to be better.  His rages have gotten fewer and shorter lived.  He's a great father.  He's a better father than husband.  Never has hurt the children or even done/said/yelled at them the way he does with me.

Even though he's doing better, the emotional scars are still there.  The memories.  The flashbacks to when it was really bad between us and I was scared for my life on more than one occasion.  Maybe I'm a touch mad myself to have stayed through it all.  Every time after.  He broke.  I don't know why I stayed after everything he did to me.  I do know that I am stronger now than I was before.  I found this forum.  I did research, reading, studying on his disorder.  I have a better understanding of how to deal with everything.  Here, it's non judgmental.  This place will provide you with support, understanding, guidance, and help with whatever you need.

You're not alone.

[AngelBuds]

Thanks.

I have not asked specifically or used the words "please support me"  No, I have not.  With those people if I say please 'anything' they want to know why.  Why do you need support?  Why should I support you?  I almost have to PROVE to their satisfaction I need a little love.  The saddest thing ever is if I told them 1/100th of what has happened, they would advise me the same way my professionals and other survivors have said: Restraining order. Divorce. And ya know what, I agree with them. 

I just dont want to paint him as so beyond evil (as he acts) that they never want to hear or see his face or name again.  Then they forget to even comfort me.  So, I gave them a piece "M has become abusive and I cannot handle it, it is beyond inhumane."  I have repeated this a few times now, different variations, so it comes as I need support but dont hate him.  I think that is clear enough, right? 

I am PG with our child, so he's kinda in it now and giving them what they want (gorey details) wont help me at all... .and just asking 'please' does nothing with them.  How is my life a catch 22 at every turn since my Husband turned?  Or am I just noticing that everything I can do, is a catch 22 now.  If speak of what's happened and ask for support, he will be forever hated and then I will have to deal with that situation on top of it all.  I am no pessimist, quite the opposite, I am a realist.  I have been shown this is how they work.  I really seriously need some healthy people in my life is what is going on... .and wow, so many are just sick it seems

[formflier]

 
If they ask why... .let them know it's a private matter and you are sure they will understand.

That spending time talking about flowers, gardening... .BBQ... whatever would be helpful and supportive.

Be specific about the support you want.

Be prepared to respect them if they say no... or press for information.  Take that as an indication those ARE NOT people you should look to for support. 

Much better to find a good therapist to lay all the gory details on.

Keep the family out of it, especially if they are nosy.

   

Thoughts?

FF

[Frankee]

I agree.  Feel bad saying this, but sometimes "family" is not the best support system.  You would think that family would be the one system you could get support from.  Not here.  Mine's the same way.  They don't understand.  If they knew the things that were said or done... they would call the police.  Does that really help any at all?  Of course not.  People who think they are labeled "normal" honestly are some pretty closed minded people if you ask me.  My family thinks they are "normal" and my drama is a lifestyle they aren't use to and don't want to be dragged into.  Think I'm joking?  They said that.  So what do I do?  I pretend like I'm doing great.  They live in a different state so it's easy to keep up the masquerade.  It is easier for me to deal with them thinking everything is okay rather than to listen to their criticism and 2 cents on what I should do.

About being a realist, you have it pegged.  There is a difference between a pessimist and a realist.  Realist see what's really going on while a pessimist looks for something wrong to be going on.  I'm a realist too.  I know what would happen if I told my family the truth.  I know what would happen if I told my friends the truth.  He's said such horrible things, that I can only tell a forum where my identity is hidden.  I think even a therapist would tell me to call the police if I told them the raw truth.

It's hard to live with these things in personal life.  Today I'm feeling broken and I can't tell anyone.  Anytime it feels like you have nobody to talk to, try writing it out.  I find that writing out my feelings and expressing them uninterrupted has been therapeutic to me.  Like purging my system of toxic feelings.  Finding something that makes you happy helps too.

[Hisaccount]

Do you like writing?
Start an anonymous blog.
Vent your frustration there. In a month, 6 months, a year. All that information will be there.

Maybe it will help him someday when he is ready to listen.

[AngelBuds]

Thanks all.  All great tips and tricks for sure.  My family is where all my nightmares and introduction to severe abuses began, at age 5 til I was 19 when I disowned them and moved away.  They blamed all the abuses I suffered on me.  Why?  No clue.  Small, defensesless child I guess is a great reason to abuse an innocent soul in their books.  So, as I was raised, I was shown and told: they are not sick, I am.  What's hilarious and sickening is I try to tell professionals what they say, it's my fault, and no one buys it after they hear the reality of it.  So blood family is absolutley the worst.  Me being me, I decided to forgive my abusers and start anew.  That was 2006.  And now I regret every forgiving (blood family) people who never change---I am the only one who ever grows.  Now this Husband thing, wow.  And he was SO PERFECT for me... .before this started Oct 2016.  Whoda thunk regaining your health would send your marriage into hell?  I thought it was time to celebrate, finally!  I am alive, yay!  And nope, I was wrong again.  It's time to meet new raging Husband in all his glory.

I am a writer and an artist, so I have no problems expressing myself to computers, papers, people, anything---just people in my life are absoutely sick and having my eyelids nailed to my forehead would be more enjoyable than trying to have a normal healthy convo about serious *t with them.  So, I can express all day everyday, and I love it, but nothing changes.  Thankfully with the act of expression I can get it "off my chest" but reality remains.  Expressing myself is very easy for me now-since I have had to deal with nightmare reality from a young age.  I could have just quit like most do, wrapped up my anger inside myself and abused my spouse, gone on some kind of violent spree of sorts; but I choose the hard route of teaching me expression, communication, coping skills, healing---thank you to self-healing books, Psychology in college, life experiences, my energy and efforts, etc.  I took notes, and they pay off for me in life---but does nothing for me when dealing with very sick or disordered people.  

Its insane when they all say 'you have problems, we're so normal, ya.' and the outside world tells you they ARE F'ed up.  I seriously thought I deserved all the abuses, because they told me only bad things happen to bad people, I am to blame and religion drove that message home 3 times a week from birth to 15 yrs old.  Just tells me sometimes forgiving others is not the way to go, maybe silently forgive them and move forward.  I instead forgave blood family and thought it was new beginnings, , oh, my lil soul just never gives up---wow----when I need to.  Blood family and now Husband=bad bad bad.  Husband was saving me while I was dying and now has become my nightmare---wow.  Give up girl, just walk away.  Which is what I am planning.  I need legal now since I am PG, but I am moving away, just the minor thing called cash is gone, completely, so earning cash in middle of nowhere here is #1 priority.  Any ideas how to bootstrap it the The Netherlands?  That means travel creatively, little cash... .bootstrappin.  Anyone have ideas?  

I got another very important baby appt today.  Since he abused and abandoned me at the hearing heartbeat, touring birth center, meeting mid-wife appt, cus appt was not important to him then, and he actually 'busted' in the waiting room door "I ONLY got 15 minutes!"  Wait? what?  Oh, theres that crazy eye and now we're in public so I said "I am not doing this here, see you later."  He said 'probably not' and left.  Left me in city, 1.5 hrs away from home, wo a ride.  Him and his parents thought it was good idea to abandon preggo girl there.  Luckily, my Pops was in town still from dropping me off anyways, so he saved me (so embarassing and humiliating)  So, this appt, I texted him I am enjoying not being abused for a week now (since the last appt, he raged on me for him missing the appt, so he is now living outside on property somewhere) and since I am not important he shows, and my car registration mysteriously was not paid, I have to ask my lovely parents for a ride an hour and half away for baby appt.  Plus, I have to give up an entire DAY and afternoon because they have their medical appts before my late and long appt.  

Everything is a mess to say it lightly.  I see a therapist once a week, but she is new to me, and not really getting the whole picture or helping much... yet.  She wants comprehensive sentences of what he rages about, but all I have are incohesive sentences he starts with, that warn me he is about to rage out on me, so I shut down.  I say to me "I will not react, I will not engage" if I am trapped and just repeat to myself for the hours he is raging as I am trapped.  So, I cant tell you what word salads he is throwing at me while I am shut down nowadays.

In the beg. of this in Oct 2016, I listened and I blamed me he was so upset with me about nothing, I had to be better at everything.  He actually did say it was me, work and life; so I felt so bad for him.  Which, by the way folks, does not work to cater to abusive behavior.  I never saw the abuse coming because it was my sweet, loving Husband saying and doing these things now... . Soothing the insane and raging, never helps.  I was just a slave, and he still raged.  So humiliating on top of it all.  Ok, now I know.  Husband of 6 years is just new to me since Oct 2016 so although I had already been taught this lesson with other people, I had no idea my Husband became one of 'them' then.  I now do not buy ANYONES story that it is my fault, since I have proven over and over again I am the only one trying to make sense of the insanity.  I am the 1st to take blame for anything, and they are the 1st to pin it all on anyone but themselves.  No more for me, I know what I will say I did.  I dont lie-and that terrifies people.  I do protect myself now, I do say my piece, I know now... .no more abusing me.  

I also am in NAMI Family to Family, every Sat.  Wonderful group, we meet once a week in regards to our sick loved ones.  If you dont know NAMI I suggest you peek at it because wow, before NAMI I got NO help... .tons of Nos and go somewhere else.  NAMI is national, great website, better meetings, awesome customer service in person and on phone.  Free!  Thanks to donations.  I want to hug all the donors, lifesavers.  Its for survivors, suffers, or those involved with sick loved ones.  Its for anyone who wants to know anything, or get support about illnesses or disorders of the brain.  Now that I am dealing with lifesuckers, I enjoy a lifesaver    Before I had no numbers to call but 911 who will not help until he physically stabs me (me saying he is abusing me is not enough).  Today, thanks to NAMI, I got over a dozen numbers to call for what ever stage of crises I am in  

I am trying to seek what lesson I am needing here.  I married a man who was my Angel, my lifesaver, non-abusive, lover. He saved me when I was fading away from this life from medical ailments, diseases, disorders.  Ok, that seems like a good thing to do, marry a giver and lover.  Thats a 1st for me!  Good job, I can give my heart out which is natural for me, to someone who is a giver too, awesome.  I forgave my abusers, ok, that seems like a good idea.  I worked on my healing for decades, ok, that seems like a good choice.  I seek knowledge, and healing and love to give---all seems like great choices after being abused my whole life.  I stood up for myself and said NO MORE lifesuckers, users and abusers, none.  I finally grew big enough to get enough muscles to keep them off me, that sounds good.  I paid my own way in life plus my loved ones way in life, sounds good to me.  How am I here?  How am I being abused, pennyless, friendless, pregnant alone, how is this my life when I tried SO HARD to leave the evilness behind, leave it in the past.  How did lifesuckers appear next to me, what signs did I miss, what lesson am I suppose to be getting here?  I mean, if I was the abuser, child molester, violent towards children, I would get it, I deserve all this and more.  But I was that child.  When the F do I get a break... .after I suffered for no reason, and now this.

Phew, ok, does no good to think like that... .phew.  Things will improve once I get cash in order.  I hate saying it, because I never allow cash to define me or destroy me.  And here I am, it's the one thing I need to save me, the one thing I never wanted to define me.  It represents freedom and a country away from this.  So, I am in countryside with no jobs, which is awesome if you are a homesteader as I am, but terrible if you're a homesteader trying to relocate to another country---or just enough cash to move the hell on.  I got plenty of talent, things to sell, yes... .but no buyers out here in the sticks.  Inet biz, any biz, takes time to build up---and who knows if it will be successful (and I need one idea to build biz, I have over a dozen ideas.)  I love how when I try to brainstorm with people they just tell me to get a minimum wage job an hour away as a solution.  What?  How?  So, spend gas and time I dont have to spare, in car I no longer have, getting to and working a high stress, low paying job, which may endanger me and baby health, is a solution?  Wow, I need outta this space, outta the country.  

That was brilliant advice from my loving  Pops (loving, lmao, ya, right.)  Go sacrifice yourself to that.  Lets not mention my parents are rich, so my petty cash issues would disappear with one check from them easily---but they have never shared, even when I was a growing child-so now as an adult, I know to not even ask.  Its a miracle they allow me to stay in a box on their property.  Had I not lost everything in the city like most did when the market crashed, I would never be here.  Had I not met my soon to be ex Husband here, I would not have stayed.  But, atlas, I am missing some glaring lesson I was suppose to learn before things got this bad---maybe?

As much as I post, and thank you for reading, I am also avail. for being support to others.  So, if you ever feel alone or need to vent, or whatever, please dont be shy  I actually am used to being the counselor, much more cozy role for me than spitting my guts out---altho soothing to get it away from me, I feel like I am sucking the air outta the room when I do.  So, know, I dont just complain and moan all the time, I am actually pretty encouraging and open to help others  

My therapist today said she could not read me yesterday because I was crying, laughing, and sad.  The laughing was my coping skills, laughter is part of how I survived the severe abuses I grew up in/with.  Just threw her off and then I rmbred: all she knows of me is a seriously sad and abused soul spilling her guts to her, not the happy-go-lucky woman I am outside of this nightmare.  So, dont let my posts fool you, I am fighting hard to get back to my sparkling happiness---and always have smiles and laughs for others to cheer em up  

I still know he's cheating on me with women named Severely Abusive and Iliketo Torture, and him playing his normal self for last few days is NOT fooling me this time---not this time.  No, I have to keep saying "Not this time." because I just want to forgive, hug and love.  No, not this time.  Its just soul-ripping to hold back love---it really hurts me more than it could possibly hurt him or anyone.  

[flourdust]

Hi, AngelBuds!

I'd like to make a constructive suggestion. You may get more responses and dialogue on your posts if you write shorter, more focused pieces. Very long posts with very long paragraphs are skimmed or skipped by many people, especially if they are trying to read on a mobile device. Posts of a few short paragraphs are likely to get a better response.

Thanks!

flourdust

[formflier]

   

What can YOU do to be kind to YOU today?  You deserve it!

There is an analogy I was introduced to by another member on these boards that I call the "bucket analogy".

Separate your issues and put them in "their own buckets".  Then discipline yourself to only deal with one bucket at a time.

I would suggest that "your family" gets separated into separate buckets as well.  Each family member in their own bucket.  Perhaps you find you can have a relationship with one and not the other.

I was initially resistant to this idea (in my own life), but I've found it very helpful.  Much LESS OVERHWELMING.

I got the feeling from reading your post that all of this stuff is overwheling you?  :)id I get that right?

   

FF

[AngelBuds]

TY flourdust, I thought about writing shorter, thinking it would get more replies.  When I typed short posts, I got questions, all the same questions I answer when I write longer.  So, then I spend the time replying and answering questions that are explained in longer posts, and never get help with what I was posting about... .I just answered their questions.

People who answer my postings when I explain have been more thoughtful and helpful with insights.  But thanks for the suggestion.  I guess it's a matter of people who enjoy reading a paragraph or those who are interested in helping.  

Hi formflier    I will definately try that.  I am over-whelmed and I want to give that bucket thought a shot.  Just 2 days ago, my Mom hired me to work for her.  Today my Mom just canceled my work for her saying "I need to save money for my vacation instead."  Wait, what?  Thats my cash for next month: baby appts, my psych appts and NAMI meetings... .I need my car registered, gas... .and wow, she basically said I could work for her, yes-but NO pay.  Just the other day she said she would pay, so I depended on her word (Why I keep making the same mistakes with my blood family, believing lies, I have no clue.  I forgave, but they never changed, wake up ME, wake up)  

So today, she says NO.  What the heck!  Oh, the insanity.  It must be so hard for her being so rich, she has to save more cash for a vacation, that's gotta be a rough life.  And yes, she is my birth mom.  Hard to believe... .but 'her' is more important than paying an employee (me) who is struggling to LIVE... .and she worried about not having even MORE extra $$$ on trip, that is paid for, that my Pops pays for during, and she pays nothing for---WOW--she needs money for that rather than paying me for work so I can live?     Just forget that is my real Mom, imagine a stranger employer did this---still infuriating. Its messing with people lives, their wellbeing, and she could care less.  In my state, it is illegal to just dump a worker without notice.
Ofcourse I messed up trusting her, I should have had her sign a contract.  But she does it all with a smile and has an air about her "Oh who, me?  No, no, look at me, Im so sweetly though, hehe"  Think hurts more cus it's her though... .

You'd never guess they are my parents.  When I was financially well off, I supported me, supported my loved ones PLUS worked full time and school in the city.  Now, I am lowest of low spot, in rural area, and they did allow me to sleep in a box on their property, yes.  But wow, rich parents watching poorly daughter suffer more?  Now cashless daughter pregnant (not their fault, no, just painting the picture) and trying to work but Mom just 'let employee (daughter) go without notice'.  Worst novel ever written.  I've never been one to ask, or fall so below 0 in my life, so I guess I am naive in thinking parents would help.  They are the same parents who severely abused me when I was under their roof as a child.  Why did I hope they would throw me some bread as an adult below 0 in my life?  Then again, I do tell me "Who am I to ask for help?  No one owes me anything, especially not a slice of bread."  No one owes me and no one helps, so why did I hope... .OK, erase its blood relatives, this situation is terrible if it's an employer, when I stick with that story I am still upset... .maybe a bucket for that too *phew*  

I set myself up for this situation though because I believed in people who have never been people. They are my parents.  But my parents let me suffer as a child--when they had cash as usual--by not clothing or feeding me much... .Plus they dealt abuses, neglected any care or protection, why do I keep hoping they will become a human being one day or maybe even pretend to be a parent, ever?  Its so sick how loving and normal they act in public.  Makes me puke.  Reminds me how (soon-to-be-ex)husband is, total sweety in public, nightmare behind closed doors.  But see, husband WAS a great loving soul before Oct 2016---they have always been this way.  

Buckets, ok, so this is a visual exercise?  Like close my eyes and try to see it.  Or I could just write it/draw buckets all out on paper too, huh?  What way works for you?  I listen to a song, I LOVE this song, and try to remind me (thank YOU for reminding me btw) of this. Ima be like the squirrel, deal with 1 nut at a time (, that sounds little funny):

White Stripes 'Little Acorns'

"When problems overwhelm us and sadness smothers us, where do we find the will and the courage to continue?

Well, the answer may come in the caring voice of a friend, a chance encounter with a book or from a personal faith.

For Janet help came from her faith but it also came from a squirrel.

Shortly after her divorce Janet lost her father. Then she lost her job, she had mounting money problems. But Janet not only survived. She worked her way out of despondency and now she says life is good again.

How could this happen?

She told me that late one autumn day when she was at her lowest, she watched a squirrel storing up nuts for the winter. One at a time he would take them to the nest.

And she thought if that squirrel can take care of himself with the harsh winter coming on, so can I.

Once I broke my problems into small pieces I was able to carry them, just like those acorns, one at a time."

Take all your problems
And rip 'em apart

Carry them off
In a shopping cart

And another thing
You should've known from the start
The problems in hand
Are lighter than at heart

Be like the squirrel, girl
Be like the squirrel
Give it a whirl, girl
Be like the squirrel

And another thing
You have to know in this world
Cut up your hair
Straighten your curls

Well, your problems
Hide in your curls

[Frankee]

 My family is where all my nightmares and introduction to severe abuses began, at age 5 til I was 19 when I disowned them and moved away.  They blamed all the abuses I suffered on me.  Why?  No clue.  Small, defensesless child I guess is a great reason to abuse an innocent soul in their books.  

So blood family is absolutley the worst.  Me being me, I decided to forgive my abusers and start anew.  That was 2006.  And now I regret every forgiving (blood family) people who never change---I am the only one who ever grows.  

I am a writer and an artist, so I have no problems expressing myself to computers, papers, people, anything---just people in my life are absoutely sick and having my eyelids nailed to my forehead would be more enjoyable than trying to have a normal healthy convo about serious *t with them.  

Husband was saving me while I was dying and now has become my nightmare---wow.  

I am trying to seek what lesson I am needing here.  I married a man who was my Angel, my lifesaver, non-abusive, lover.

Its just soul-ripping to hold back love---it really hurts me more than it could possibly hurt him or anyone.  

I thought this post struck home with me.  It's reversed.  As you mentioned the abuse you suffered was at the hands of your blood family.  My pwBPD is like that.  His mother abandoned him with his abusive alcoholic father.  Was throw in juvenile jail at 13 and pretty much was passed around through the system for 6 years.  His father ended up in jail and his mother found a new family and left him to rot in the system.  He has nobody and before jail was in and out of foster homes since his dad ended up in jail more than once.  He even was told once his mom was dead and when he came to terms with it, she showed up, stayed around for awhile and then disappeared again.  She gave him real mother/woman issues.  He also likes to write and is thinking of writing a book.

I feel this way sometimes.  In the beginning, I was coming out of a really bad relationship.  I wasn't looking for anything, I was trying to rediscover myself and just enjoy life.  A friend of mine invited me to a biker bar.  I was like cool, something new, think I'm pretty safe at a biker bar.  Safe as in, just some rowdy fun.  We arrive at this bar and I'm thinking to myself, what am I doing here?  This hole in the wall in a shady part of the neighborhood.  I was use to downtown, club lights, VIP, everyone dressed up.  I said, might as well.  Walk in and wow.  Crazy drunken rowdy burly bikers.  My friend and I were the only two women so needless to say we got a lot of attention.  I flirted, drank, proclaimed to the entire bar that I wanted no strings attached, pure crazy fun.  I wound up grabbing the attention of the president.  I knew nothing of biker bars, had no idea who they were, or the chain.  I guess it was a time Sons of Anarchy was popular (which I had never seen).  I guess he liked that about me that I had no idea or acted like I knew about his world.

Got the back story.  He was supposed to be my wild bad boy fling.  Crazy wild fun and that's it.  Years later, here were are with kids and normal jobs.  He turned out to be my savior in leather.  I got to know him.  Somewhere in our wild ride, he told me he loved me.  I didn't say it back because that's not was supposed to happen.  I resisted his charm, but I fell for him.  He protected me, he said he would do anything for me, he made me feel safe, trusted, like nothing could ever hurt me.  Strong, confident, a leader, not afraid to take charge.  A real man.

The point I was getting at.   I wasn't supposed to fall in love with him.  He wasn't supposed to be this person he turned out to be.  I fell in love with a man that was supportive, protective, strong, enamored... he still is those things, just mixed in with all the extreme symptoms of BPD.  My feelings for him are strong and when I started seeing the dark side of him, the mask of who I thought he was seemed to be slowly falling away.  He's working on doing better, but I find that the person I was when we met has also slowly fell apart.  Trying to rediscover my strength that I know I have.  He left me crushed, self conscious, emotionally wrecked, and at times feeling like I can't take the hurt anymore.  I'm getting better at detaching, because it seems that is the only way I'll every emotionally recover.  I don't feel as a victim, I am a fighter.  I have witnessed and felt more hurt that I ever thought possible and I'm still standing, still trying hard to be a good mother, wife, person.  I am finding the courage to stand up and not be scared to say something. 

You have it in you as well.  The right thing to do seems to never be the easiest thing to do.  We all have the ability to change if we put our mind to it.