Need help with boundaries

[Furbaby Mom]

Hello,
I have written on here about my two SIL's who I believe exhibit many traits of BPD.  I am currently on speaking status with one but not with the other.  I am about to celebrate a birthday and decided to not invite the SIL I am not speaking to to the party.  It has been almost a year since we saw each other and "spoke" where I was the person she lashed out on for "stealing her brother."  Because a year has gone by and there have been no attempts by her to change the situation, I feel my decision is valid and my husband 100% supports it.  The other SIL is now stepping in and wanting us to smooth things over so that the SIL on the outs can get invited.  I know my husband would support me, but I feel this guilt for being put in a position of "separating" the family.  I want things to be better, but know that if they do get better it will have to be me who fixes things by saying everything is okay.  If I do that, the flood gates will open and she will be over our home all the time and wanting my husband's full time attention, brushing me to the side.  There has been a lot of hurt and pain she caused up until this point. 
I guess I am looking for a reminder that the boundary is necessary and that it is healthy.  I am looking for a reminder that this is just really hard and there is a mental illness involved.  I feel like I am being casted by her as being cady and a piece of me feels a little cady, but I don't know what else to do.  Her last words to me in person were "go f*** yourself" and over text "I know I sent you an email describing how much you hurt me and how much you have hurt my family.  It felt good to get it out and i feel like a jerk for sending it on your first valentines day together.  I hope it didnt ruin your day or anything."

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Kwamina]

Hi Furbaby Mom

I know my husband would support me, but I feel this guilt for being put in a position of "separating" the family.

I think it might help to consider these words from Pete Walker:

"Guilt - Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”."
 
"Shoulding” - I will substitute the words “want to” for “should” and only follow this imperative if it feels like I want to, unless I am under legal, ethical or moral obligation."

Do you think that underneath your guilt might actually lie fear? And if you do, what is that you are afraid of?

If I do that, the flood gates will open and she will be over our home all the time and wanting my husband's full time attention, brushing me to the side.  There has been a lot of hurt and pain she caused up until this point.

That might or might not happen. But I think the important thing here would be that your SIL would only be able to do this if you and your husband would allow her too. This is indeed a matter of boundaries as the title of your post also indicates. Remaining NC is a matter of boundaries, but so too is saying no to her constant presence at your home and demanding your husband's attention if you were to have contact again. She can do whatever she wants, that isn't something you can control. What you can control though is your own behavior and how you respond to her. When you weren't NC with her, did you feel comfortable setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with your SIL?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Furbaby Mom]

Hello,
Thank you for your thoughtful response.  I guess I had never thought about fear lying under guilt, but that is definitely the case to a degree.  I feel guilty because in a sense I am scared of her which I know is on me.  I am scared of the measures she can take because I watched it unfold essentially the month after my husband and I got engaged.  I am scared of how unpredictable she can be and how utterly exhausting it is to be in her presence especially now that I am not on her good side. 

I can 100% admit I hate having people not like me, but this feels different.  This is more of a fear of will my husband resent me for setting the boundaries?  What will happen if kids come along and her continued drug use (and not admitting to it) continues.  What happens if she berates me in front of said children?  Really... .ultimately... .my biggest fear?  What if I am always the object of her hatred?  I don't know if I can subject myself to it again. 

Boundaries.  In the past before our engagement I became a big sister figure to this SIL.  Her older sister (my husband's other sister) was incarcerated for many years and struggled big time with addiction.  This SIL presented as sweet and innocent and in need of guidance so I took on that role.  At times it became too much, but never anything that caused alarm.  Once my husband and I got engaged, then things shifted quickly.  She would call us at 3 am with a crisis and had called the cops on her boyfriend and needed us to come get her.  She would call us in the middle of day because she had "collapsed" in the street and needed to go to the ER.  We responded to all her requests because they were VERY extreme.  She stayed at our house post break up with her boyfriend and called me mid day claiming someone broke in.  I was at work and had to leave, but no one was at the house but her.  When things were more positive, she would need my husbands attention so let's say we had a party, she would beg him to go on private walks for hours.  She would request he take her to get a coffee, etc. 
Leading up to our wedding, she increased these visits and he would come home very upset saying things like that she highly recommends he get a prenup and isn't he super scared to get married.  There came a point about four months before our wedding when he sat down with me to consider calling it off.  I believe she got into his head with all her nonsense and he even admitted to it later.  He said it was nonstop telling him that marriage is not for him.  Luckily, we were able to talk things out and seek support in couples therapy on how to manage that relationship.  Once the wedding was over, she flat out verbally attacked me to my face.  She called me all sorts of names and had such a hatred for me, but could only pin it on superficial things like that I didn't get her a hair appointment for the wedding (I didn't get any of the bridesmaids appointments).  I had backed off a  relationship with her leading up to the wedding to protect my relationship with my then fiance.  I wasn't ignoring her, but I was not seeking her out and neither did she.
It became clear to me that no boundary I set was going to work with her.  It felt like at that point (last November) that it had to be all or nothing with her.  I knew that if it was "all" I would have to forgive and forget all the things she did leading up to the wedding and even after the wedding, which I simply could not do.  NC is so much more relaxed and has given my husband and I space to be a couple.  I don't know how to make boundaries with her because she has told my husband that her intention if we ever move forward is to have a relationship with him, not me.  I am not okay with that.
I feel so stuck.

[Panda39]

Hi Furbaby Mom,

It sounds to me that if you decide to re-initiate contact with your SIL you and your hubby have to be on the same page and create a united front in terms of what your boundaries are as a couple with his sister. How do you feel your husband's boundaries are around his sister?  What type of role did he play in their FOO (Family of Origin) in terms of this sister?  Was he her rescuer?  How do you think she views him?

You will both together not only have to create the boundaries but be prepared to enforce them.  People with BPD are big boundary busters don't expect to tell her your boundary and have her respect it, she might, but in my experience she probably won't. 

I'll give you my analogy... .

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum. What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up.

So expect push back in terms of your boundaries, that's why it's important that you and your husband be very clear about the boundary and united in enforcing the boundary.

This will take energy and the two of you need to decide if you want to expend the energy it will take to have a relationship with your SIL.  You can certainly leave things the way they are for now, you could revisit the idea later, or you could go low contact like communicate via email/text for example.  There are a lot of ways this can look depending on what works for you and nothing is set in stone.

Below is some info on boundaries and being assertive that you might find helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206736.0

Take Care,
Panda39