Speaking to DA on my spouses behalf

[Radcliff]

See the previous thread here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=316170.0;all


Hello all,

There's a lot of background on my situation on three threads with "Domestic Violence and Bullying" in the title, the most recent one being here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315716.0

To summarize, I have been married for a long time, with three kids.  My wife is physically abusive, tallying 25 assaults in 9 months that I added things up for.  The least serious are things like poking in the ribs, the most serious things like tackling and punching.  I filed my first police report three weeks ago, on a day when she was blocking me and trapping me, but had not assaulted me.  I went to the police station and gave them a letter and some videos and recordings describing five incidents.  Two weeks previously, we had a hard conversation where she had promised not to be abusive, and I said I wouldn't go to the police unless things were violent.  The blocking and trapping were not actions I'd said I'd report to the police.  So she says she thought she was following the rules, and feels I betrayed her.  She has a point, and I feel bad that I was clumsy in my implementation of boundaries.  I said from the night I reported that my intent was not to have her prosecuted, just to stop the abuse, and I promised to talk to the DA and ask them not to press charges.

My sincere assessment of the situation is that she is very concerned that I might call the police in the future, and the physical violence is done for good.  She has shown momentary remorse, but really thinks I've blown this out of proportion, and she's the wounded one.  If things slide backwards, I think the most likely outcome is not violence, but her trying to exert control in ways that she knows don't subject her to a police report.

My wife and her lawyer don't want me to talk to the DA.  They want me to write a letter.  Here's the potential draft that's on the table:

Dear ____,

I am writing in reference to Case #______.  I do not want charges filed in this case.  I need to respectfully say that I will not be available to testify.

Sincerely,
Radcliff

I really do not want a prosecution to distract my wife from parenting, but I also don't want to fail to achieve my goal of healing the family and getting past the abuse.

I would welcome your advice or questions.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[snowglobe]

  Dear Radcliff,
I actually have a question, the idea of the letter, how did it come about? Can you give me a recap? Was it on your wife’s insistence or did you want to make this step?  
Question number two, have you consulted your lawyer regarding this matter? What are potential risks, if any? Would it make you a less credible witness/advocate for yourself?
Question number three, since you voiced your agreement to put this letter in motion, did your wife’s behaviour/general attitude change towards you?
Question number four, how do YOU feel about this letter? Does it agree with your morals and core beliefs?

[Turkish]

If your wife has a lawyer,  is your intent to seperate?

That they want you to send this indicates to me "guilty." Or at least the fear thereof. 

If there's a case in process,  it may be out of your hands.  The baby mama of a friend of mind didn't want to testify. The DA was still able to successfully prosecute him for DV.

[bananas2]

Hi there Radcliff,

Putting aside for now the r/s issues at play (since those are being discussed on the other board), and just sticking with the legal aspect of this, I have one question for you:
Have you directly spoken to your wife's defense attorney or are you getting this information second-hand from her that her lawyer wants you to write a letter?

I ask this, bc I know that in my BPDh's DV case, his attorney asked to speak with me and we had a long-running dialogue via phone, emails, texts, and in-person in his office. When I explained that I wanted to do everything in my power to prevent hub's prosecution, his lawyer coached me on exactly what to do - every step of the way. So I guess I'm wondering here why her lawyer is not explaining to you exactly what needs to be in the letter.

[livednlearned]

Hi Radcliff,

I'm glad you're posting here.

Hang in there, friend. I know there is a lot about the relationship going on, and you're getting good support on the Improving board.  

I read back through your Improving thread and it sounds like she threatened to file a false report against you, and the reason you filed your report was to get ahead of that action. Which was really smart. Fighting a false allegation is the living nightmare that many people come here to work through. You think things couldn't get any worse, and then they do  not just for you, but for your kids.

Do you have an attorney you have consulted with?

I really do not want a prosecution to distract my wife from parenting, but I also don't want to fail to achieve my goal of healing the family and getting past the abuse.

I have a couple of questions for you... .

Has anyone walked you through what will likely happen if you go ahead and file charges?

Is the DV court and family law court combined, or are they separate?

Some comments... .

Most county's will have some kind of philosophy about how they treat DV, and the degree to which things are therapeutic. It's good to know this, and to have a sense of how things work where you live, if you don't already.

It's also important to have a sense of how things will work if she files a false allegation, if you haven't researched that already.

In my court, the more proactive you are at recognizing the abuse and doing something to protect the kids from witnessing it or experiencing it, the more likely you will be entrusted to take care of the kids and make good choices for the family. Meaning, the courts will include you as a partner in making decisions (counseling, parent classes, anger management classes, etc.)

You are shining light on the situation, and part of that light will be a bit on you, for better and for worse. If you file, and then don't file, and then file again, that is going to raise questions about your role in protecting the kids from abuse.

It's a harsh reality.

If you approach this with a solution-mindset, the courts tend to look favorably on you, in my experience... Can you see a scenario in which the prosecution of your wife is an opportunity to get help, and suggest some actions that might help your family? You may in all likelihood endear yourself in a system that tends to walk all over people during their weakest moments.

I know it's hard right now to stick to your boundary. You're in the river and the rapids are coming up fast... .it might be a good idea to do some additional information gathering, and see if you can't steer this thing in the right direction, with all the events that are in play.

Then give your wife some choices, instead of the reverse, which is understandably knee jerk and reactionary. She is panicking and grasping wildly for ways to get out of the raft. You will need to be the one talking to other adults, figuring out what all the options are (ideally, without retracting the boundary you have set).

[Radcliff]

Hello all, I just now got an e-mail from the police detective saying that the DA won't press charges.  That simplifies life considerably, and makes this thread moot, but I really appreciate all of your questions and advice, and wanted to follow through with answers, which you'll find below.

<b>:)kandyk,
When I said I didn't want her charged, the police said I could talk to the DA, and I said I would like to.  The letter was my wife's idea or her defense attorney's.
I have not talked about this to a lawyer of my own.
I didn't explicitly agree to a letter, but agreed to give my wife a draft to send to her attorney.  Her behavior hasn't really changed.  She thinks the letter should have been better, downplayed my interests more, etc.
I feel mostly OK about writing a letter, but worried about the potential implications down the road.  As it became clear that my wife still holds me in contempt and blames me for all the relationship problems, I've become less enthusiastic about helping her, but still willing to follow my word.

Turkish,
My wife's lawyer is a defense lawyer.  I do not believe she has a divorce lawyer.  My intent now is not to separate.  I think the letter was just an attempt to hedge their bets and be conservative.

bananas2,
I have not spoken to my wife's defense lawyer.  My wife said she did not trust what I would say to her defense lawyer.  My guess is that she was mortified talking to a defense lawyer and played down what happened.  I think she worried I might embarrass her, or if we played the tapes for her defense lawyer when we were there, she would be embarrassed.

livednlearned,
I'm partially up to speed on what would happen if I filed charges.  Given events, I'll park that knowledge for now, since I've got so much other stuff to learn about.  I don't know if DV court and family court are separate.  How might that impact things down the road?  Good point about being proactive in stopping abuse happening in front of the children.  This was one of my main motivations.  I feel bad that I let it go on for so long, as they witnessed events a while back.

OK, everyone, thank you so much for your thoughts on this thread!  I'll see you over on Improving

Radcliff

[ForeverDad]

I recall when I first called 911, had a couple officers respond, almost got carted away (my preschooler 'saved' me by refusing to leave my arms), and they drove away.  That evening not only was she fuming at me, she also jeered me saying they gave her information to call a local DV center.  I downloaded my recording of the incident and a different officer came and listened.  He took my report and said they'd handle it from there.  BUT he warned me not to withdraw my report.  He said I'd be pressured to withdraw it with promises and threats but to let them do their job.  Essentially he was telling me not to hide my spouse's behaviors, that doing so would do more harm than good.

Looking back, he was right, at least in my case.  There was no way she would miraculously change course after nothing else had diverted her pattern of worsening behaviors.  The police arrested her and for months she faced a case of Threat of DV.  Despite her admitting the threats played in court, the judge ruled her emphatic threats were not "imminent" and case law excluded threats that weren't imminent.  Our months long separation morphed into a divorce case.  She never looked back (as in seeking a reconciliation).

My worry for you is that she will look for an opportunity to "frame mischief" against you at some future time when she can turn the tables on you and "make you look worse than her".  As has been written here before, if it has been contemplated, threatened or already happened, it will occur again, given enough time.

Sorry, it's not over.  Very likely she's anxious to bury those reports by behaving better for a while until she can position herself for better terms.  Be careful.

[Radcliff]

ForeverDad,

Thanks for your caution.  We have been married a long time, she is very high functioning, I still love her, we've had many good times, etc., and I really want things to be "OK," so I am very subject to manipulation.  I think your concern is warranted.  She has threatened false DV claims against me many times to get me out of the house.  She recently said she will never do that.  But she also has said that she learned as a child to do whatever it takes to survive, and she will never lose.  She lies well and often to achieve her aims.  I have pretty good documentation, and am going to have a domestic violence advocate I met yesterday introduce me to the folks at our local Family Justice Center, which is sponsored by our DA, so I can get some advice.

B.t.w., 15,000 posts is pretty impressive.  At the rate I'm going, that's about 18 years

Radcliff

[SES]

My ex got a police caution for domestic violence. Afterwards she did anything and everything to harm me. ... false allegations to police, cps, school and my employer.  She was determined to make me look worse than her. I realise that I was lucky to avoid jail, losing kids and losing job.

I agree with ForeverDad.  Be careful and protect yourself.

See the next thread here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=317050.0