energy to communicate what's happening

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, im in a very mixed up condition inside right now. I suppose I have been for the last 3 years, I fear that number may actually be bigger if I wasn't so afraid to look at the calendar and count the months. I'm a different person today than I was before the bomb dropped. I remember it like it was yesterday and it feels like a lifetime ago at the same time. my brother committed suicide and I got the phone call while I was at work, it was our other brother (his twin). he tells me "Jerome committed suicide and is on life support we are here at the hospital" I dropped my tools on the ground and raced to the hospital where I would sleep on the floor next to his bed for the next week while there was a murder investigation in the matter because of the details of how the suicide was carried out. after a week we took Jerome off life support and his body stopped functioning just 5 mins later at 3 am. during this time at the hospital it was very clear to me that his twin my other brother who called me was needing my support more than anything else, so as I drove the 2 hours home from the hospital in the middle of the night it all started to really hit me. I longed for my family. all I could think about were my two children (6 and 1 years old) laying in bed and pressing my cheek against their cheeks while they slept and climbing in to bed with my wife who had been with since we were 12 years old. when I got home I put my key in the door and opened it up to find out that my wife had been having an affair. fast forward to now more than 3 years later and there's no way I could make a complete list of the traumatizing things she has done to my life. but since that day involving just the affairs alone trickle truthed tortured me with deceit and still alot of missing pieces and very important information that she conveniently doesn't remember at all like she has amnesia in very specific situations and accounts that all seem to have certain things in common. but somewhere around a dozen affair partners 2 of which were my family members. 2 pregnancies that weren't mine. (our two children are mine for sure) she allowed me to get sterilized at the age of 23 with all of these cruel and dark secrets she was hiding from me and committing on our family. just for her to go off and get pregnant again by some stranger she met online and moved my children In with him while she filed a protection order on me under falsle grounds so she could alienate me from the children's lives and have me jailed for a text message that said "I love you". then she came back and had an abortion 3 months later. she has ran a smear campaign on me systematically breaking down my relationships and support system and then drug me through the family court system with lies and projections that never ended up holding up for her in court but cost me and my children irreparable damage and trauma. I've never made a direct or indirect attack against the health and happiness of her life whatsoever, I've always just wanted my family, the abuse to stop, the lies the stop, some closure on the past and some effort in repairing what has happened. shes capable of the most incredible things like imagining that all if the cruel things she has done to me was backwards like I did it to her, and really believing that and attacking my life for it. when in reality that's totally wrong and I never even acted in any type of attacking or abusive manner towards her life and person at all when she was actually doing these things to me to begin with. my head is spinning and I don't know how to even keep up with what's going on now it seems. I read these boards and I can relate to all of the insanity that is described in them. my wife was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last year after her last suicide attempt when I had to save her life, at the hospital she was told she was pregnant and a psychologist  came in and diagnosed her through her history records and interviews with both me and her. where I am now is, I'm shattered inside over the span of what has happened. my relationships have been forever changed or disintegrated and I mourn daily over the Losses that my children and I have had to sustain. I need help. I think about suicide alot and it brings me alot of comfort to day dream about these things. the thought of my pain ending is attractive and sometimes the only comfort I can find in certain times are thinking in great detail step by step how I would kill myself. I know this isn't healthy and I have no plans on doing it, im just acknowledging what I'm experiencing and saying to myself "this isn't healthy, I've allowed to much of myself to get lost in all of this". before all of this I was an outstanding father, husband, successful in my career. white picket fence big house. was on my way to a really promising future if I didn't already have it. I believed I did. I had everything I ever wanted. my middle school sweet heart whom I nurtured and made every effort to be conscientious of maintaining a happy home and relationship with, two happy and healthy kids that would run to the door when I came home from work yelling "daddy's home daddy's home!". to where I am now. which is shattered, disoriented from everything, living in my brother shead away from my children, enough sorrow in my heart to sink a ship and dried blood in the crook of my elbow is the only escape I have from the pain. I'm sorry for what you may see, but I am merely a man, who doesn't quite feel like one anymore through being demasculated by all of these affairs and then pretty much castrated by being completely duped into getting a vasectomy so early in my life while made to believe that I would spend the rest of my life with this woman and I was doing the responsibile thing for my family. I'm not my situation I just happen to be experiencing it

[5150x24/7]

Hi, im in a very mixed up condition inside right now. I suppose I have been for the last 3 years, I fear that number may actually be bigger if I wasn't so afraid to look at the calendar and count the months. I'm a different person today than I was before the bomb dropped. I remember it like it was yesterday and it feels like a lifetime ago at the same time. my brother committed suicide and I got the phone call while I was at work, it was our other brother (his twin). he tells me "Jerome committed suicide and is on life support we are here at the hospital" I dropped my tools on the ground and raced to the hospital where I would sleep on the floor next to his bed for the next week while there was a murder investigation in the matter because of the details of how the suicide was carried out. after a week we took Jerome off life support and his body stopped functioning just 5 mins later at 3 am. during this time at the hospital it was very clear to me that his twin my other brother who called me was needing my support more than anything else, so as I drove the 2 hours home from the hospital in the middle of the night it all started to really hit me. I longed for my family. all I could think about were my two children (6 and 1 years old) laying in bed and pressing my cheek against their cheeks while they slept and climbing in to bed with my wife who had been with since we were 12 years old. when I got home I put my key in the door and opened it up to find out that my wife had been having an affair. fast forward to now more than 3 years later and there's no way I could make a complete list of the traumatizing things she has done to my life. but since that day involving just the affairs alone trickle truthed tortured me with deceit and still alot of missing pieces and very important information that she conveniently doesn't remember at all like she has amnesia in very specific situations and accounts that all seem to have certain things in common. but somewhere around a dozen affair partners 2 of which were my family members. 2 pregnancies that weren't mine. (our two children are mine for sure) she allowed me to get sterilized at the age of 23 with all of these cruel and dark secrets she was hiding from me and committing on our family. just for her to go off and get pregnant again by some stranger she met online and moved my children In with him while she filed a protection order on me under falsle grounds so she could alienate me from the children's lives and have me jailed for a text message that said "I love you". then she came back and had an abortion 3 months later. she has ran a smear campaign on me systematically breaking down my relationships and support system and then drug me through the family court system with lies and projections that never ended up holding up for her in court but cost me and my children irreparable damage and trauma. I've never made a direct or indirect attack against the health and happiness of her life whatsoever, I've always just wanted my family, the abuse to stop, the lies the stop, some closure on the past and some effort in repairing what has happened. shes capable of the most incredible things like imagining that all if the cruel things she has done to me was backwards like I did it to her, and really believing that and attacking my life for it. when in reality that's totally wrong and I never even acted in any type of attacking or abusive manner towards her life and person at all when she was actually doing these things to me to begin with. my head is spinning and I don't know how to even keep up with what's going on now it seems. I read these boards and I can relate to all of the insanity that is described in them. my wife was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last year after her last suicide attempt when I had to save her life, at the hospital she was told she was pregnant and a psychologist  came in and diagnosed her through her history records and interviews with both me and her. where I am now is, I'm shattered inside over the span of what has happened. my relationships have been forever changed or disintegrated and I mourn daily over the Losses that my children and I have had to sustain. I need help. I think about suicide alot and it brings me alot of comfort to day dream about these things. the thought of my pain ending is attractive and sometimes the only comfort I can find in certain times are thinking in great detail step by step how I would kill myself. I know this isn't healthy and I have no plans on doing it, im just acknowledging what I'm experiencing and saying to myself "this isn't healthy, I've allowed to much of myself to get lost in all of this". before all of this I was an outstanding father, husband, successful in my career. white picket fence big house. was on my way to a really promising future if I didn't already have it. I believed I did. I had everything I ever wanted. my middle school sweet heart whom I nurtured and made every effort to be conscientious of maintaining a happy home and relationship with, two happy and healthy kids that would run to the door when I came home from work yelling "daddy's home daddy's home!". to where I am now. which is shattered, disoriented from everything, living in my brother shead away from my children, enough sorrow in my heart to sink a ship and dried blood in the crook of my elbow is the only escape I have from the pain. I'm sorry for what you may see, but I am merely a man, who doesn't quite feel like one anymore through being demasculated by all of these affairs and then pretty much castrated by being completely duped into getting a vasectomy so early in my life while made to believe that I would spend the rest of my life with this woman and I was doing the responsibile thing for my family. I'm not my situation I just happen to be experiencing it

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DeltaBravo]

Hello Friend.
I am a new member here so I cannot really any advice currently.
I have recently realised my fiance is in the same situation.
My life has reached a standstill even though I enjoy success in other parts of life.
This forum will help you a lot. I suggest reading the materials on the side bar.

I am sorry for all you have been going through I totally get it like most of us here.
Stay strong.

[Wanda]

 
 glad you are here i am not on very often, i have been married comming on 20 years and i have known as long.
 my husband is high functioning , i found this out by going to counseling myself; i to read all these books and they fit him, he was horrible at first and got better over time. rages were all the time now they don't happen .
 do YOU go to counseling for you? if not  you should  because though counseling they can help you. there is also a lot of books to read about BPD to help you understand about the disease. and books for you to read . wanted to say hi and things do get better just keep reading and posting it helps.