Frustrated with my own response to cheating(again)

[MsFixer]

Hi everyone,

I posted a bit on the site earlier this year when I was deciding whether to leave my uBPD husband following years of verbal/emotional abuse and affair #2.

I took off for a month in April and eventually couldn’t stick with it. I went home, recommitted, accepted blame when I shouldn’t have, all just to stay together. I felt like a weak, pathetic piece of ___ for a while but then as they do things got good again. I always had a nagging feeling though.

In August I came back from a work trip to find another woman’s hair in my guest room. Same woman I caught him with in affair #1. Cleaned it up, found it again a few weeks later.

Here’s my problem: I didn’t. Say. A word. I started moving my things into a storage unit, hired a lawyer, talked to my therapist. I’ve made my decision to leave but I keep finding reasons to postpone. I’m scared to confront him and I’m scared to go through what I know is going to be a total nightmare.

What is wrong with me?... .anyone else feel like this? Literally paralyzed. I’ve gone on Zoloft for the anxiety which has helped amazingly but I’m just here in my marriage pretending everything is fine while he does the same.

He’s been extra sweet lately, probably sensing something is off. It’s messing with my head.