always a mom
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 1
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« on: November 13, 2017, 07:49:04 PM » |
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Hi. I grew up with a emotionally ill mother. She was a good mother when we were young, but she was always fighting with my dad and kicking him out. She blamed everyone else but herself. She cried so much, I never cried. I am the oldest of 4 children, and was very sensitive to my mother. I didn't want to make her upset, so I was a very VERY good girl. By the time I was 19, she found out I was in love with a man 10 years older who was divorced. It went against everything I thought was right, too, so I had hid it from her for fear of what she would say. She actually really liked him a lot until she found out we were in love. I wanted her to like him before she found out. But it backfired because a friend told her I was seeing him for lunch and stuff before she gave her blessing. Anyway, that was in 1985. He and I have been married over 29 years.
We couldn't conceive children. He had 2 sons when we got married who came to live with us. They were 10 and 11 years younger than me. I thought I was ready to be a mom, but soon discovered I didn't have enough patience. Oh, in the mean time, I developed SEVERE panic disorder to the point of sometimes having 3 panic attacks a day. I don't know what came first: the panic attacks or depression, but they were severe. I practically had a nervous breakdown around that time. But my faith kept me going and I pressed through my feelings and did what life required. I didn't want to take medicine.
We finally were able to adopt when I was 29. We got our son, who is now 22, from the daughter of someone at our church. almost 2 years later, my husband was called by a friend who said his niece was pregnant and wanted to know if we wanted to adopt. So we were able to adopt 2 babies. I was in heaven.
Fast forward through the difficult teen years. 4 years ago, my 22-yr-old, who was kinda spoiled (by me) and had a very intense, melancholy personality all his life, had his first girlfriend. I didn't care for her because she was rather rude, but I was kind. I knew nothing I said would change his mind. So I prayed she'd "go away". she ended doing a pregnancy test the day my son decided to break up with her. It was positive. They have had a very volatile relationship. Her mother had kicked her out, and I reluctantly let her move in because she couldn't go anywhere else until after she graduated. The drama was overwhelming, but I attributed a lot of it to her being pregnant and also never having a dad. I was very sympathetic. After the first baby was born at the end of September in 2014, she was really emotionally volatile afterwards, and they were still having fights. 6 weeks later, my son couldn't take it anymore and broke up with her. She started acting despondent and ran to the woods. We found her on a culvert over a gulley. She was not responding to anything, and indicated she was going to jump. We didn't know what to do, so we called 911. They ended up taking her to a hospital because she wouldn't even talk to to them. It was horrible. It was Thanksgiving weekend, and I think she may have seen a doctor one time while in there. Other than that, she was with other mentally ill women just having group talks and doing crafts. She still doesn't want to go downtown near where that hospital was. She never followed up afterwards, but she's also never threatened suicide again to my knowledge.
Despite the indications, my son married her civilly after Christmas. When she good, she's really great. If she wasn't borderline, she would be the best wife and mom! They continued having fights, but they weren't quite as severe and became a little less frequent. By the Summer, they were able to get into an apartment. They ended up pregnant again and had another boy 2 years and 2 days after the first one. I would like to say that I have helped raise the oldest for sure, and even the second to a certain point, and I ADORE them. They are like "medicine" to me.
She had decided she wanted to become Catholic that year (2016), so she was in classes. They made their marriage Sacramental in the Church in March 2016 and she became Catholic on Easter a week later. Her pregnancy was going well. I do remember her saying they weren't gonna work out just 2 weeks after they got into the apartment. My son tends to be on the lazy and "slow" side. She is a perfectionist and has no patience. Add the borderline issue and it's miserable.<sigh>
All this time, I have done EVERYTHING I could to help them--made extra food to send home to them so she wouldn't have to worry about cooking; take the kids at any opportunity so they would have more time together alone. You name it. I have been killing myself, really. But I just want them to make it. Like I said, she CAN be great for him. But when she loses it, it's crazy. She used to throw up, but I think she's stopped that. Now, she tends to start hitting him and screaming. She starts throwing his stuff outside. I have done nothing but loved, encouraged and helped her. But when she's mad at my son, I will sometimes get a nasty text blaming me for what a mess he is.
I finally told my son NOT to fight in front of the boys because I could see it was having an effect on at least the 3-yr-old. The last big fight, she was starting to get physical. He took his phone and wanted to call me to come get the boys, but she took his phone and threw it out the door into the hallway. He stood at the open door waiting for an opportunity to get the phone without her being able to lock him out. He got his chance with the 1-yr-old crawled out the door, and she went to grab him. At the point, she started putting his computer and stuff outside the door while telling him to get out. He got it back in and began packing his stuff. At some point there, she changed her mind and told him he WASN'T leaving. That is when she really started hitting him--I guess because he was probably pushing her back from him. He finally got out and came here. He was here 3 days. I went over 2 days after the fight to get the 3-yr-old for a carnival. I saw she had taken down ALL the pictures of him, which included family pictures and everything. She was crying and visibly depressed. By the next day, she wanted him back. She apologized for kicking him out, and he went back. I have BEGGED them to get counseling. I'm tired of being the only "ear" to both of them.
The day after he went back home, she had to work. I babysit when she works. When I was there, I saw the beta fish looked like he was dying and the tank was horrible. I know that it's my son's job to clean the tank, but I was worried about the fish. So I did it. It didn't take long. I also wash dishes when I go there and any other thing that I think will make things easier for them. I'm happy to do it. Well, when my son got off work, he said he needed to come to our house to help his brother with something. I asked him to wait a while. He said no problem because he had a list of chores from his wife, one of which was to clean the fish tank. I apologized that I had done it. fast forward to that night. My son has to get up at 3 am, so he goes to bed before 8. My DIL was working until 10 that night, so I went back to get the kids to bed. When she got home, I confessed to cleaning the fish tank. She was visibly upset, but quickly asked, "did you use a toothbrush?" I told her how I did it. She said she'd have him redo it the next day. I went home exhausted and had 2 glasses of wine. Then I was getting ready for bed and got a text from her. it said, "Yeah, this marriage is never gonna work. thanks for all your help". I was furious. (and I felt uninhibited with the 2 glasses of wine). I wrote back asking what she thought marriage was, and if she thought he was her slave. the texting went down hill from there. it was BAD. what I said was true, but I know because of my mother that it was not just pointless to tell the truth, it was going to be the "end" of the relationship. Sure enough. That was over 6 weeks ago. She has just got to where she's giving me brief answers to questions, but she's still not looking at me. She changed her work hours so that instead of watching my grandbabies 3 days a week and seeing them all at our house on weekends, I get to babysit about once a week. I feel like I have enabled, but I don't know what to do. I worry about my son and my grandbabies. (there's a 3rd on the way--a girl, finally. but I don't feel like I can get excited. :-(
I guess I need advice on how to "detach" with techniques to minimize my pain, if possible, and how/where to set boundaries. I feel like a puppet who is at the mercy of craziness. BTW--you can't imagine all the things my mother has done. I haven't really talked to her in several years. I finally realized that I don't have to take the abuse.
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