Being played for a fool

[Fraser]

Hi all
I'm in desperate need of some help. I've fallen head over heels in love with my next door neighbor who suffers from BPD. Let's call her V.  She was sexually abused by various step fathers & her mum basically ignored what was happening. Her mum was also abused as a child and although she doesn't admit it is a BPD sufferer as well.

Unfortunately V. is married as am. She is unhappy and her partner mentally abused her and she wants out. I have been unhappy in my marriage for years but have just put up with things for an easy life.

We have been neighbours for 6 years and only exchanged a good morning here and there. I've always found her attractive but I wasn't looking for anything when this started, it just happened.

My problems in my own marriage have been brought to the front of my attention because of this thing have started with V. As I write this I have left my wife and am currently living with a friend. V. recently threw her husband out but since I've been gone from my own home she has let him back home. She has told me over & over that she doesn't want him and that she wants me.

At the end of he month she is going away on holiday with her husband, just the two of them . She had told me she was going to take her nan instead as she couldn't face being alone with him but I have since found out this is not the case.
This may sound like a stupid question but am I being taken for a fool?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Fraser,

Welcome to the family. You ask a pointed question: "Am I being taken for a fool?" None of us can really say, but let me take this from another angle - about ending and starting relationships.

If I was in your shoes I would just focus on your choices. You decided to leave your relationship. That's fair. Are you in the process of getting a divorce? Or just separated? Until you get that cleared up you bringing another person into your romantic life is gonna be hard and not fair. I am 7 years into a relationship with someone who I thought was divorced and his past settled when I met him. Instead, it is 7 years later and he is still fighting with her in court so that is where I am coming from on this. I can say directly that had I known I'd have to go through his divorce (he had to divorce her again by another country's laws a year or two after we met!) I like to think I would have not started this relationship at that time and just focused on my life. I've had great times, but I've also had horrible ones because of those issues.

His divorce had to be resettled/redone according to a 2nd country's laws - and the kids and custody stuff too, lots and lots of drama I didn't want/anticipate entirely, but my heart was attached and I thought I could handle anything. (I also didn't know he had BPD traits.)  If I could do it over, I would have rather not started together so soon. It is not all his fault, he genuinely thought it was settled before we met, but her moving countries, etc. affected the process and dragged it out. And we were so excited we plunged forward thinking we'd be able to handle it all. But it was too much and it may have left such a stain on our relationship we might not make it in the long run. By starting too soon, and going through too much, we've burned through a lot of our good will and some of the fun/easy times we all deserve, in my book, at the start of a relationship.

And on the other side of things... .her? Well, she is not done with him in all likelihood as much as she is attracted to you. She needs to resolve that before you can start clean and clear. She is going on holiday with him why? Because he doesn't know and she isn't ready to leave him it sounds like possibly. She probably has a lot to sort out with him and what if he fights to keep her?  It is hard and it hurts, but I would highly recommend you slow down and wait. You will likely do a lot of waiting for her while she sorts that stuff out. Are you prepared to wait? Or do you want a triangle because that is what you'll have in all honesty. (This link on triangles is something to consider: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle)

The more you mix this stuff up now, you leaving and her leaving, and her having trouble getting things sorted with him, will just bring you trouble and heartache. This is not how healthy relationships start in my book at least.

I know that is not what you wanna hear in the heat of the moment. I understand passion! I had a chance to run off after someone once. That guy was amazing, incredible, and I can barely deal with realizing I missed out on him not once, but twice in my life, but I... .it would have been a mess at that point to "get together" and I am sure it would not have lasted more than two years before the passion no longer outweighed the fact I'd be selling things short for myself in life and would find myself ending another relationship that probably could have been great if we could do it the right way - two totally free people with distance between the past relationship and starting new. I might have had two exciting years, but then what? How wrecked would I be by then if that was the best I could do with that?

Anyway, I would not give her an ultimatum, but I would set a personal amount of time I was willing to wait for her. You are ready to meet a new woman, so if it is not "Vicky" it will be someone else at some point. There are many wonderful people to meet and you can find love in the most unexpected places.

Yes, it just happened because you were both vulnerable. I so get that! But it will also be an uphill climb until you are both free and clear. Be patient. If this can work it will, but I am serious man, don't jump in so fast to something new or you will burn it out. This shooting star will burn to dust. Just my two cents.

Wish you the best and hope you don't mind me bringing myself so much into this reply! Thanks for the chance to let me put that stuff into words. It's been eating me. I don't want you to end up hurt and this scenario is just flashing with potential hurt for you!

[Enabler]

Hello Fraser, Welcome.

Just to get a bit more info on your situation, I have experienced the damage of people giving advice without knowing all the facts first hand it's very dangerous to go wading in with assumptions.

Firstly, what are your relationship problems with your own partner, what are you doing about that and are you happy with the situation of being apart from her? Are you "splitting" your own marriage into all Black to make yourself feel better about the relationship with V.?

You refer to mental abuse V. is enduring from her Husband. What experience do you have of this abuse and how would you weigh it up in comparison to Joe Average behaviour? I ask this because many people on these boards have been accused by their pwBPD of abuse. For many of us who've been bumbling around in the dark trying to work out what is going on with our partners we've unintentionally hurt their feelings. In some cases we've intentionally hurt their feelings due to the frustrations of dealing with constant reality disturbances. It's not as simple as to say she says so she must have been abused. You may be thinking that you're different from your neighbours husband, you wouldn't do that. It's an set of emotional blinkers we wear in the throngs of a new relationship... .I'm better than her current husband and she's only the way she is because she's with him.

You can only be taken for a fool if you act and think foolishly by not seeing things for how they are. You say she suffers from BPD, to avoid being the fool I would make sure you have full clarity about what to expect and ways to observe and interpret her behaviours AND YOUR OWN. These two pieces are an excellent starting point for your own research. I think you may make some sense of why her Husband has moved back in after reading.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/why-we-struggle-in-relationships
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

[Fraser]

Thank you for your replies. I didn't expect any so soon. I'll add on some more info.
My marriage has gone stale in my eyes. We have one son who is now 23 & still lives at home with us. We had him when we were both teenagers and were sort of forced together as a couple because of the pregnancy.
I literally moved out 2 days ago to give me & my wife some space with no real time scale of when I would go back, of even if I would go back. I've been telling myself to do something about my marriage for years but have never had the courage to do so. I guess meeting my neighbour has given me the push to act.
My neighbour, Vicki came on the scene approx 8 weeks ago. A simple request via text from her to babysit for her 2 children. The texts continued and after a 24hrs it was obvious we both wanted to be more than friends. I've always found her attractive & she says the same about me. I knew she had mental issues from the start and after a few weeks she told me it was BPD. The first few weeks the texts were intense, very flirty and very full on. Lots of talk of me protecting her keeping her safe, while she basically seduced me with talk of a wild & crazy sex life. One year ago she fell pregnant but her husband accused her of an affair & told her to get an abortion. The stress of it caused her to miscarry which devastated her.
Approx 10 days ago she threw her husband out.
 

[Lostinanother]

Sounds like monkey-branching to me.
She has no good reason to go on holiday with the husband... .

[pearlsw]

Hi Fraser, It sounds like you aren't even sure if you want your marriage or not. Why not just focus on deciding that for yourself independent of V.? (Because there are no guarantees and she complicates that decision. Would you be leaving your wife if not for Vicki? Is there any reason to stay and make things less stale?)

Letting V. into that uncertainty, especially if she is going to be back and forth with you while/if she gets out of her relationship, is not a healthy starting point. How are you going to feel when she is off on vacation with her husband?

Do you want an affair with V.? Or would you prefer something different? What would make you most happy?

[Enabler]

I think Pearlsw hit the nail on the head here, SLOW DOWN. Read the links we both sent you and educate yourself. I'm not saying that V. is a bad person or you won't live happily ever after BUT... .EYES WIDE OPEN HERE, as FormFlier would say, go to 30k ft and hover. What is real, what is not real, what can you prove and what have you been told. Trust nothing. When I first met my uBPDw 20yrs ago she told me her long term boyfriend was abusive and was sleeping around... .I have since spent a lot of time with the guy and found evidence that it was in fact my wife who was the one who was sleeping around and he's anything but abusive. Projection and allergy to guilt and shame are key things to get your head around with respects to someone suffering with BPD. Although in not all cases, it is very common they lie, fabricate, embellish and miss out important information to skew reality to fit their feelings of facts.

Although your rusty banger of a marriage might not look all that shiny at the moment and the Porsche next door is very alluring, you've got a lot of memories and experiences (good and bad) with that banger. Is it time you took a look at what you could do to polish it up and get the engine running? Is the Porsche going to get you round the corner in style and then turn into a fireball? If it helps, think statistically about it, what's the chances of both outcomes, even better, deal with each outcome individually as they needn't be linked, you don't have to move on to V.

[Fraser]

Thanks again for the replies, there is some good advice there.
I will definitely look at my own marriage first before I commit to anything with v.