Contact vs no contact - the letter (a bit long)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi, in a previous post i asked if i should sent a letter.
Some of you suggested to post it here. So here it is.
I really doubt if i ever should send it.
============================
To... .

You abandoned me almost 4 years ago.
This is not a letter to say what is right or wrong, not a letter to talk about my daily life,  or how you should feel.  It’s about looking back at something that is so bizar and out of the ordinary with so many consequences for so many people involved and maybe even yourself.

When we met  you was dreaming of a new life and so was I.
You told me you was neglected and abused in the past, for me you had good reasons and it sounded very credible to me.
So its normal when I meet someone who is the opposite of my ex, cheerful and witty I believed  I met someone that was special, and so it developed.
We had to fight battles in court no one else had to fight, we were a team, for years right up to 2006.
It was a punch a face when we lost the rcase and you lost your younger daughters.
We had to prove it was not a whim and we managed. According to the judges our relationship was not a whim  but born from a whim. What a joke. Ridiculous, shortsighted conservative ruling  from superior court judges with an average age of 75. People who believe there’s only one place on this planet where you can be happy. I don’t blame them, they just don’t know any better.

At that time you said  “I will change into someone you won’t like”. You knew already what was awaiting me. You knew you was drinking and you knew you would completely relapse.
You blamed me regularly for trusting people to easily, naïve etc but one thing I can never be blamed for…... …I never gave up on you and I tried to make it work, in each and every way. Alcohol took over and 3 years later in 2009 you leave, we had to decide that together, staying here would have killed you. Needless to say how bad that last year was. The Vodka and wine, the police visits, the car accident in USA. Being insulted by your older ones when I escorted you back. I drove from doctor to doctor, AA, rehabs while in the meantime I had to go to work and took care of the younger ones when they visited you.
The day we hugged  for the last time and one of my friends drove you to the airport is one of those days I still quiver from. I saw the car taking a turn at the end of the street and my other best friend took me by the arm when I stumbled back into the house. You have never asked me what that all  did to me.

And then a return, you begged on the phone. Being totally abandoned by your family you said I was the only one you ever loved. You was treated by your older daughters like crap just as I was. I picked you up and got you in a nursing home over here.
After arrival you nearly died on 25th march 2010, and being on your side in the hospital I could only hope for the best while the doctors told me it wasn’t even 50-50. By miracle you survived.  I had nightmares from this event for many years. Many months I drove every evening – after work - over a 170 miles to be with you, support you, being happy you survived. You never have asked me what it did to me.

Fast forward 2 great years. Redecorating the house, many operations you needed ,our marriage, your citizenship. It went well and then suddenly you decided not to take me with you  to the marriage of your daughter. Again, you never asked what that did to me. You was testing the waters to leave me or your daughter just didn’t want me to be there. Another mystery.

Your chemo in 2013 was an ordeal for both of us. Your resentment grew. Your homesickness grew. Your depression and hidden anger grew. Isolating me. Again you knew what was awaiting me.
In the meantime no one from your family called, asked how you were doing. Guilt trips and emotional blackmail must have worked out fine. Not one time you said thanks or asked me if I could manage. I worked myself half to death.

And then the big event…... you vanish when I am at work. Leaving a note with “you will see this is the best way and the only way for me, thank you for everything”. A few sentences I am worth. That’s all and the last thing I’ve heard from you.
Thank you for everything is all you had to say. You didn’t even took time to make it more specific.

I feel bad for what happened to you in the past, I witnessed the consequences.
I know now why Freddy Mercury’s lyrics “One year of love is better than a lifetime alone” made you upset. I know now why you liked “Run Forest Run” and the movie Cast Away. It resembles your life.
I feel bad for all the women who’s  lives are ruined by rape, molest and neglect. I know it happened to you.

The only thing I’ve ever heard from you by a 3th party about me was “He is a dramaqueen”.
All the people who post on metoo, if have sympathy for, I understand because I am one of them, raped in my soul, used and abused. By you and just like it happened to you in the past.

I don’t blame you for anything, its your MO. I blame myself for not listening better when you revealed BPD to me in 2004. I do blame you for  not  taking proper treatment  and only go to AA to stay sober. Just like you said “my addiction is only a symptom” and so you take a band aid for cancer.
I will give your older daughter's dog a decent life until it dies.
And so you ran away to go  live with the one who originally bought that dog and shipped it to my country when she wanted to get rid of it. Sarcasm isnt my trademark but in this case I am dealing with heroes.

I didn’t know loving someone could hurt that much, I don’t hate you, forgiveness is still my trademark and I will survive this.
I will not put my pain under a stone, I will face my demons until they are gone. Eventually I will find a meaningful life and I pray you will find it too.

[jo19854]

Hi, in a previous post i asked if i should sent a letter.
Some of you suggested to post it here. So here it is.
I really doubt if i ever should send it.
============================
To... .

You abandoned me almost 4 years ago.
This is not a letter to say what is right or wrong, not a letter to talk about my daily life,  or how you should feel.  It’s about looking back at something that is so bizar and out of the ordinary with so many consequences for so many people involved and maybe even yourself.

When we met  you was dreaming of a new life and so was I.
You told me you was neglected and abused in the past, for me you had good reasons and it sounded very credible to me.
So its normal when I meet someone who is the opposite of my ex, cheerful and witty I believed  I met someone that was special, and so it developed.
We had to fight battles in court no one else had to fight, we were a team, for years right up to 2006.
It was a punch a face when we lost the rcase and you lost your younger daughters.
We had to prove it was not a whim and we managed. According to the judges our relationship was not a whim  but born from a whim. What a joke. Ridiculous, shortsighted conservative ruling  from superior court judges with an average age of 75. People who believe there’s only one place on this planet where you can be happy. I don’t blame them, they just don’t know any better.

At that time you said  “I will change into someone you won’t like”. You knew already what was awaiting me. You knew you was drinking and you knew you would completely relapse.
You blamed me regularly for trusting people to easily, naïve etc but one thing I can never be blamed for…... …I never gave up on you and I tried to make it work, in each and every way. Alcohol took over and 3 years later in 2009 you leave, we had to decide that together, staying here would have killed you. Needless to say how bad that last year was. The Vodka and wine, the police visits, the car accident in USA. Being insulted by your older ones when I escorted you back. I drove from doctor to doctor, AA, rehabs while in the meantime I had to go to work and took care of the younger ones when they visited you.
The day we hugged  for the last time and one of my friends drove you to the airport is one of those days I still quiver from. I saw the car taking a turn at the end of the street and my other best friend took me by the arm when I stumbled back into the house. You have never asked me what that all  did to me.

And then a return, you begged on the phone. Being totally abandoned by your family you said I was the only one you ever loved. You was treated by your older daughters like crap just as I was. I picked you up and got you in a nursing home over here.
After arrival you nearly died on 25th march 2010, and being on your side in the hospital I could only hope for the best while the doctors told me it wasn’t even 50-50. By miracle you survived.  I had nightmares from this event for many years. Many months I drove every evening – after work - over a 170 miles to be with you, support you, being happy you survived. You never have asked me what it did to me.

Fast forward 2 great years. Redecorating the house, many operations you needed ,our marriage, your citizenship. It went well and then suddenly you decided not to take me with you  to the marriage of your daughter. Again, you never asked what that did to me. You was testing the waters to leave me or your daughter just didn’t want me to be there. Another mystery.

Your chemo in 2013 was an ordeal for both of us. Your resentment grew. Your homesickness grew. Your depression and hidden anger grew. Isolating me. Again you knew what was awaiting me.
In the meantime no one from your family called, asked how you were doing. Guilt trips and emotional blackmail must have worked out fine. Not one time you said thanks or asked me if I could manage. I worked myself half to death.

And then the big event…... you vanish when I am at work. Leaving a note with “you will see this is the best way and the only way for me, thank you for everything”. A few sentences I am worth. That’s all and the last thing I’ve heard from you.
Thank you for everything is all you had to say. You didn’t even took time to make it more specific.

I feel bad for what happened to you in the past, I witnessed the consequences.
I know now why Freddy Mercury’s lyrics “One year of love is better than a lifetime alone” made you upset. I know now why you liked “Run Forest Run” and the movie Cast Away. It resembles your life.
I feel bad for all the women who’s  lives are ruined by rape, molest and neglect. I know it happened to you.

The only thing I’ve ever heard from you by a 3th party about me was “He is a dramaqueen”.
All the people who post on metoo, if have sympathy for, I understand because I am one of them, raped in my soul, used and abused. By you and just like it happened to you in the past.

I don’t blame you for anything, its your MO. I blame myself for not listening better when you revealed BPD to me in 2004. I do blame you for  not  taking proper treatment  and only go to AA to stay sober. Just like you said “my addiction is only a symptom” and so you take a band aid for cancer.
I will give your older daughter's dog a decent life until it dies.
And so you ran away to go  live with the one who originally bought that dog and shipped it to my country when she wanted to get rid of it. Sarcasm isnt my trademark but in this case I am dealing with heroes.

I didn’t know loving someone could hurt that much, I don’t hate you, forgiveness is still my trademark and I will survive this.
I will not put my pain under a stone, I will face my demons until they are gone. Eventually I will find a meaningful life and I pray you will find it too.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi jo,

You get a lot off your chest here.  It also sounds like you are giving yourself some closure.  How did you feel as you were writing this and are there any changes in your feelings since?

Love and light x

[jo19854]

Hi HQ,

Ive written many letters in the past , some i did sent, some i didnt. This one is after a year of silence. I had to stop writing when i mentioned her departure in 2009, that was too much. This letter is the first where i confront her with herself. My feelings change daily from mild to sometimes severe grief and flashbacks. I realize i am traumatised and this letter is part of my process. I just cant be angry at my ex. She is mentally ill. But i am angry at all the persons who ruined our life when she was here.  No support at all and now she lives with them. So i just ended angry when i was done writing. A temporary relief for me.

I dont care if she would be angry or whatever she would feel when i would send this one, shes entiteld too the truth about herself.

Thanks HQ, take care.