Do they always seem to act up more when holidays approach?

[Mariez]

Every single year.   

Anyways, she got a head start on this holiday.  My husband and I scheduled the day off from our jobs to help my mother move.  Side note, this is probably the 4th time in the last 5 years we have done this for her.

My husband works for his father and they own a box truck.  My husband made sure all of the deliveries were done that day so that we could get to her house as early as possible with the truck.  Unfortunately, I injured my back a couple days before this and was on steroid and muscle relaxers.  I called her and said she might want to find another person to help my husband, since he probably couldn't lift the couches on his own.  Of course, she didn't.

When we show up, she is sleeping (3pm?).  The house is in total disarray.  She has practically become a hoarder in recent years.  Clothes still in the washer and dryer, dining table covered in a years worth of mail, couches with junk all over them.  Not ONE thing in a box.  This is the first time I ever felt her actually disrespecting my husband, which I decided along time ago, would be a huge boundary for me.

I was agitated, but decided to just keep my head down and my mouth shut until after the move.  Detecting my annoyance, she followed me around the house love bombing me and trying to give me some present she bought.  I wasn't rude, but I was in no mood for her fawning instead of her packing and helping.  She suddenly yelled, "You don't need to be here acting like a ___".

Well, I couldn't keep calm longer.  I said her house was disgusting and that she should have packed it with the whole week she had off of work.  Of course she took off and then we had to take the truck over to her new house, where suddenly, two guys were there to unpack her things.

Fast-forward to two weeks later, I sent her a text saying we need to talk.  She said "No, so you can tell me how terrible I am?  No thanks!" Decided I would give her more time.

Fast-forward to two weeks after that - I send her another text asking where I am supposed to pick her up after her boob job.  Yeah, that's right, she couldn't hire movers, but she could afford the boob job.  She told me not to worry about picking her up.  Great, really didn't want to take another day off of work for her.

Suddenly, I am blocked by her on Facebook.  This happens about 4 times a year, so it wasn't surprising.  Until a friend sends me a screenshot of things she has been posting.  She is saying how tired she is of crying over my brother and I treating her terribly and how she is done with us abandoning her on the holidays.  She says that we have in-laws and a stepmother now and we don't want to be around her because she is single.  She has been scheduled to work Thanksgiving since midsummer.  We hadn't even discussed what day we were doing the holidays yet.  I don't know what her being single has to do with us, or our stepmom either, since I learned a long time ago I wasn't allowed to be friendly with my stepmom.  Of course, countless people were on this facebook thread consoling her and condemning us.  It was so sickening.  None of this had anything to do with the holidays.  She could only get pity by lying!

I am so sick of this woman always ruining EVERY SINGLE HOLIDAY since I was a child.  It almost makes me hate the holidays. 

I am so confused. One day, I'll picture her all alone at her house on Christmas and it makes me sad.  It makes me just want to swallow my dignity and reach out to her.  Life is so short and I always want to be the bigger person.  But, literally when I think about this, I then want the exact opposite.  I want to write her a letter and just tell her how miserable and nasty she is and how she deserves to sit alone on Christmas since nobody wants anything to do with her because she's a terrible person.  Two very different approaches, I'd say.  Why do they want to ALWAYS want to ruin holidays? 

[Insom]

This all sounds difficult.  I'm so sorry you're having to go through it and can relate to things escalating around the holidays.  It sounds like you're a "good" daughter who does a good job helping your mom, staying in touch, and making yourself available when she needs extra attention.

What might it look like for you to take a step back from some of that?

[Mariez]

Thank you, Insom.  Yes, I think I am the "good daughter".  My brother is pretty emotionally disconnected from her.  I used to think he went the wrong way about dealing with her, but I am beginning to think he is on to something. 

Honestly, it would feel kind of nice just enjoying the holidays and not feel on guard the whole time. 

The whole reason I was texting her after the move was to resolve the issue.  There have been times in the past where she cut me off for a year and it was distressing to me.  I really think it might be like a nice break now though.  I am so drained by her. I just can't imagine having a child and then disowning them so easily all of the time like this.  My brother and I are nice good people.  It just makes me sad.

[Pilpel]

Judging by how your mom is able to wrangle help and sympathy when she needs it, what makes you sure that she's ever sitting alone on the holidays if she's not with you? Maybe that's just what she wants you to think.  So you might be wasting your time being miserable at your Thanksgiving holiday with your inlaws or step mom, believing that your mom is feeling sad and alone.  When in all reality, she may not be sad and alone at all.  And you could be feeling miserable over nothing. 

[Mariez]

Pilpel, that is a really good point. I'm still falling for this stuff. She always has people that "rescue" her.  From what I understand, she was invited to a few holiday gatherings just from that post.  My brother and I always arrange our in-law/father holidays around what works for her, that's what so ironic about it.  I've actually never spent Thanksgiving or Christmas day with my dad as an adult because of it and he just accepts it.  I'm in such an anger stage right now.  Do any of you go through just wanting to verbally unleash on them? I feel like if she's going to take things this far I wish I would have just said everything that has been bottled up inside of me for so long.  That would have at least been satisfying.  I'm just waiting on the emails from her friends saying how she's my mom and I need to make up with her. I already got an email from my uncle saying I should be ashamed of myself... .it's just so infuriating. 

[Struggles]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  We (my husband, myself, his siblings, spouses and grandchildren) all go through the same thing with my MIL. 

We all are absolutely dreading this year as it has been so much worse with her.  We don't and have never done holidays at her house thank goodness, but we are with her. 

Ours isn't just on the holidays, it's also at birthdays for any of us as well.  Every party we have had for each other's birthday has always ended with her screaming at us.  And unfortunately the grandchild hasn't wanted to have a birthday since she was 7 because of it. 

So I am right there with you.  Holidays should be a time of enjoyment with family.  We don't know what that's like anymore. 

[so_overit]

My BPD husband ruined not just every holiday (or tried to), but every birthday, anniversary. He said it was because his programming, his father ruined all of these dates for him growing up. I am filing D today, and am looking forward to my birthday, thanksgiving, and christmas, if not for the fact that I can KNOW he can't ruin them this year.

[Mariez]

I am so sorry, Struggles and So_overit.  We deserve at the possibility of happy holidays.  I don't know what it is about celebrations that trigger them.  I can't believe we made it through our wedding with her last year.  Of course, she repeatedly threatened to not come and then screamed at my mother in law to get out of the bridal suite before the wedding, but other than that, it wasn't the melt down I originally imagined.

Last year, I begged her to come for Christmas since she was in her usually December rampage.  She showed up, refused to eat with us and wouldn't speak or look at me the entire time.  In my own home.  Why bother? I will never allow that again.  I'm done having my holidays ruined.

[Mariez]

Holidays should be a time of enjoyment with family.  We don't know what that's like anymore.  
[/quote]

This part hurt to read.  I'm so sorry.

[so_overit]

Last year, I begged her to come for Christmas since she was in her usually December rampage.  She showed up, refused to eat with us and wouldn't speak or look at me the entire time.  In my own home.  Why bother? I will never allow that again.  I'm done having my holidays ruined.

showed up, refused to eat, and would not speak or look at you... .and that was last Christmas? I would not be too worried about leaving her alone on the holidays! You have to draw the line somewhere.

My STBX chased me and my little girls (5 at the time) in a full blizzard, slippery, dangerous road... .because we were trying to escape and go to a hotel to spend xmas. A HOTEL sounded better than home. This year, I am so very happy that I finally drew the line in the sand!

[Pilpel]

My brother and I always arrange our in-law/father holidays around what works for her, that's what so ironic about it.  I've actually never spent Thanksgiving or Christmas day with my dad as an adult because of it and he just accepts it.  I'm in such an anger stage right now.  Do any of you go through just wanting to verbally unleash on them?

I can't say I've ever had an urge to unleash on my sil.  But being inlaws I don't have such a close relationship as you do to your mom.  My urge is to keep distance.  I've also felt like for many years we did things to try to make my SIL happy, either over the holidays or birthdays or just doing things to be helpful. In general, I did things for her or gave her things in an effort show her I meant her well.  But after so many years, I have to admit that my efforts to prove that I'm not such a bad gal like she accuses me of being didn't amount to much, if anything. 

BTW, your mom may be giving other people an earful about what sort of daughter you are.  But don't worry about that.  Sooner or later those people who listen to her and feel sorry for her will see what you've been putting up with your whole life. But they may not really get to see it unless you allow her to spend her holidays with those people.  I've been in that situation over and over again, where people thought I was exaggerating about how difficult my sil is, and then had them come to me later after having a disturbing interaction with her and say, "I know what you're talking about now."