Am I the Problem?

[walkinthepark247]

Greetings all,

I am here after reading the essential family guide to borderline personality disorder. I was recommended this book by my therapist after couples counseling with my spouse broke down. Or, at least I think it broke down because I don't know where it is. I now have my own independent therapist.

I am learning a lot and just trying to take this all in at the moment. I am still living with my spouse and have no intention of going anywhere. However, communication has really broken down. My spouse does not recognize that there are any problems. I am the problem. I have been physically attacked many times now. My spouse has never had any kind of diagnosis. Once again, I am the problem in their mind. We have two young children who have seen thinks that no child should ever see. I have been physically attacked in front of our kids. I've had extreme vitriol and terrible profanities hurled at me in front of our kids. I'm very concerned about how all of this is affecting them.

My spouse is very high functioning from the outside. When they get mad, I have never seen such rage. I cannot even begin to describe it. It's as if a demon or rabid animal is standing in front of me. The anger exhibit itself early in our marriage, but it is only gotten much worse over time.

I would fully admit that I am not a perfect human being. However, what I see is a real sickness in my spouse. I have asked them for an extended period of time to seek help. I even offered to go to appointments or to watch the kids. Once again, I am the problem in their mind.

The more that I'm reading about BPD, the more that it resonates with me. There is no impulse control when it comes to rage and anger from my spouse. My spouse feels that they are under a constant threat of attack. Admittedly, my spouse had some very terrible things that happen to them at a very young age. I used to think that it was simply "issues" but I am coming to realize that it is likely a mental illness. Once again, there has been no diagnosis because my spouse would not speak with a medical professional. They are continuing to see our marriage counselor alone. I gave the marriage counselor the blessing to continue meeting with my spouse because I thought it might bring them some peace. The take away from the counseling seems to be that I am the problem.

Not sure what else to say at this precise point.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi walkinthepark,

Welcome to the board ,

I'm sorry that you have gone through so much in your relationship. It sounds like your counselor is helping you work through some of the issues you've been having. Individual counseling in these situations is usually best as it's been found that marriage counseling does not work well in relationships with someone with BPD.

When he begins to rage, how do you respond? My concern is for your safety. When you see him begin to get angry (before he even gets to the point of rage) can you find a way to exit the house until things calm down again? I do this quite often. I just go for a drive or a walk to calm myself down and to give my H time to chill out.

I would also suggest that you create a BOB (bug out bag) that you keep safely hidden in your car or in another location, just in case you need to get out of the house quickly. Perhaps you could carry some basic personal hygiene products, extra cash, and a change of clothes. One thing my counselor suggested after my H began to threaten to physically hurt me was to get to know my neighbors, just in case I needed to seek refuge quickly.

There is hope. This board can help you learn lots of new skills and hopefully help you begin to no longer walk in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)

[walkinthepark247]

My wife has simply shut me out entirely. We have a vacation that is planned in a couple of weeks with my parents. They rented a beach house in a really nice area. It's a big space with multiple bedrooms. She has informed me that she is not going. She is also forbidding our children from going (whatever that means). I have now come to the conclusion that I must get some sort of real intervention here.

To answer an earlier question you had, my therapist believes that I have some sort of co-dependency issues. I'm trying to learn more. Right now, I am simply exhausted.

[walkinthepark247]

I also realize that I might not be giving all of the information necessary. My wife has been getting into my emails from time-to-time and confronting me about emails where I am legitimately asking family members for support. It's reached a level of paranoia around my house. I'm so very concerned about my privacy.

[Radcliff]

Hello walking,

I'm sorry I missed your introduction!  As you mentioned on pearlsw's thread, our stories have many similarities, more than you know.  Except you are 15 years ahead of me, and deserve a high five for getting help much sooner than I did.  To summarize, the violence had escalated to the point I knew I needed help, but I wasn't sure how to ask.  I came to the board with a bunch of issues I wanted to work on, including the violence.  After one of the board elders finally got through my haze and I got a clue, I realized it was as if I was saying, "My house is on fire, the dog pees on the carpet, and my sock drawer is a mess.  I want to put out the house fire, but also want a plan for the dog and the socks."  Duh.  It's the house fire, stupid! (I'm talking to myself, not you

It is time for you to start down a methodical path to address the violence. This is not the time for sudden changes.  Stay safe, and don't give your wife any indication that things are different for now.  I'd like to ask you to do two things:

1.  Describe for me what you do to keep things as safe as you can.  When you recognize that things are going south, what do you do?  If she hits you, what do you do?

2. If you haven't already, please read the threads I've linked below.  These threads describe my recent journey on this topic, and you'll see the help I got.  Let's work together on this thread so a group of us can contribute to a plan for you, but start by reading my threads.

Wentworth

Here's the start of the most recent events:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=313938.0

Here is the "resolution" or at least latest in the story:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=314513.0

[walkinthepark247]

Thanks, Blues. I was actually responding at once to a couple of posts you had made that really struck a chord with me. I had seen one of the two that you just placed a link to.

Most of the times that I have ever been attacked, I was backed up into a corner. Admittedly, I was trying to express my concerns and feelings at the time. That was before I even knew the acronym BPD. To be honest, the rages just seemed to come out of nowhere. The biggest trigger seems to be stress and chaos around the house. We have young kids. My wife cannot take much of any stress or chaos. I was certainly attacked a few times prior to the children. However, the violence has escalated from her. She gets into these frustrated rages. She will yell the "f word" just because some minor thing happens. IN her, the reactions are so disproportionate to what is happening at that moment. A normal person would say "that sucks" and simply shake their head. When we were first married, she hurled a corded drill across the room. Her later response? "I was just frustrated". The drill landed at my feet.

What I am struggling with the most is that we do have these beautiful small children. My almost 5-year-old is already starting to exhibit signs of anger and violence. She's seen so much of it already. I'm really desperate to learn about how to deal with this. My daughter will ask "why is mommy yelling?" I used to deflect, but my daughter is just so smart. She knows it isn't rational behavior. So, I have started saying "Mommy is sick". I really don't know if this is the best response, but It is all that I can muster. I really don't have any other explanation for why mommy screams, yells and gets in a raging fluster over minor occurrences.

My biggest fear would be leaving our kids alone with my wife. But, I don't really have any way to prove that.  I mean, I would like to leave the house and call the police next time. However, I guess I'm very scared about my story being believed. My wife can turn off the rage very quickly.

[walkinthepark247]

From your other post:

"I am concerned about being able to get out of the house without violence -- even a straight path into the house to the bedroom, then out of the house is risky -- I have been trapped in the master bathroom with her several times, tackled in the master bedroom as I tried to leave, and assaulted literally as I exited the front door."

This is usually when I am assaulted as well. I am trying to pass or simply exit the room.

[Cole]

Sorry you are going through this, walkinthepark247. Gotta give you the same advise I gave another recently.

We all try hard to help our ill spouses. But physical violence cannot be tolerated. The violence she shows you will be turned on your kids next if you don't take steps to stop it. 

Men can call the police to report domestic violence just as can women. And while it may seem extreme, an arrest on domestic violence can be a wake-up call that she needs help. It can also get her into the system, where mandated mental health care can be offered as an option to jail time. The goal of family courts is often to help find a solution, not punish.

Hope it does not go to that point for you. But you cannot let this endanger your kids.

[Radcliff]

Hello walkinthepark247, good to hear back from you.

You said you are worried that people won't believe you.  I don't think we've talked about keeping a journal yet.  I've kept journals off and on over the years, and religiously for the last 2 or 3 years.  When crazy stuff starts happening, I sometimes type my journal into my phone (Google docs or Evernote are good) right away, while in a quiet corner of the house.  It helps me direct my energy instead of lashing out, and since I do it right away, I'm able to include quotes of the crazy things or threats my wife sometimes says to me.  Or things that are yelled at the kids.  I am not looking to be right, or get her in trouble, but out of fear that nobody would believe me.  I was also worried that I found I was forgetting and normalizing so much that happened.  I gotta tell you how sobering it is to read a journal entry from 2008 and see that some of this same stuff was happening back then.  Don't let your wife see you writing in the journal.  Keep it factual and not petty -- I only wrote down things that were clearly out of bounds, and it grew quickly.

So now, I've got journals that make me feel like I can clearly articulate, with details, what has been happening, and be credible.  Sure, I could have made it all up, but I the details are compelling, and so "out there" that I don't think anyone would think I was that good of a fiction writer.  I'm not saying you need two years.  With small kids and the level of violence you are seeing, you don't have that kind of time.  But start documenting now.  Keep it factual, with pictures of any destroyed property, any scratches or bruises you get, quotes from your wife, etc.

You need to understand right now how the police in your state and town respond to domestic violence.  A free consult with a domestic violence defense attorney might be a good bet.  Or a local domestic violence hotline or shelter.  There are actually a few states where the police *must* make an arrest if they come out, and you need to know if you are in one of those states.  You want to know how they are trained and what policies are used to determine who to arrest, if anyone.  In my state, if it is purely "he said/she said," with no visible marks on anyone, the police take a report and refer it to the district attorney to investigate.  Yours may be different, and this is important to know when you are doing your planning for how to react to DV in your home.

Having said all that heavy stuff, there's a chance you can get a handle on the DV issue without involving the police, by slowly ramping the pressure as Skip guided me to do, but not without thinking through your whole plan in advance.  But you will definitely need some outside, real-time, off-board support.  But you need to be willing to call the police if it comes to that.

Are you willing to let me give you some homework?

1.  Read this first: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0

2.  Call the U.S. national domestic abuse hotline at 1−800−799−7233.  Also, do some reading on their site at www.thehotline.org.  The hotline call won't be lifechanging, but it's an important step.  It sounds cliche, but just admitting to a live person that you've got trouble on your hands is a big deal.  Check out their Web site, too, for some good reading.  Get a referral from them to a local hotline that is prepared to talk to men.

3.  Talk to the local hotline, and find out about police response details in your area

4.  Figure out a trusted friend you can talk to who is not part of your wife's life.  You don't have to spend hours gushing detail to this person, but just breaking the ice and sending them a couple of e-mails describing what's happening will make you feel less isolated, and very importantly, give you a witness and time/date stamped evidence (the e-mails) showing that you didn't just conveniently make this stuff up if things hit the fan and the cops don't know who to believe.  My wife and I share all the same friends in town, so this was a very difficult step for me.  I finally picked an old college buddy who she never sees.

5.  Come back and let us know what you find out.

I know that's a long list, but it's best to get started moving forward.  You don't have to wait until the whole list is done to give us an update, though.  Keep us posted on how things are going.

Talk to you soon, and have a safe weekend.

Wentworth

[walkinthepark247]

Blues and Cole,

Thank you for your very kind words and assignments. I need someone to whip me into shape! After this last attack, I have sprung into action. I have begun taking a journal of the bizarre behavior and violence. I try to keep it to the most extreme instances.

I started even going through old emails and correspondence. Admittedly, there wasn't a great deal there. However, there were a couple of emails where I encouraged her to get "help" starting about four years ago. I also saw a couple of emails where I had inquired why she wasn't talking to me at all (even though we live in the same house). It is pretty upsetting to look back and know how long I've been dealing with this type of unacceptable behavior. While it has been going on for 7 years, it's really ramped up in the last 4-5.

We had begun seeing a marriage counselor. However, she attacked me after the very first session. I then began seeing another counselor in the same group and she continued to see the same counselor. I said that I was ok with this. I also gave my counselor permission to speak openly with her counselor. I did this because I wanted her counselor to get an unfiltered picture of what a true "day-in-the-life" was like. No rosy picture. I really don't know whether her counselor truly gets it or not. Mine certainly does and recommended the "Walking on Eggshells" book to me.

The next time that I am attacked, I will be calling a good friend. I will ask him if I can spend the night at his house. I intend to speak with him openly about this shortly. In addition, if the attack is anything like the last, I will be calling the police. It was insane last time and someone could have been seriously injured. If there was a weapon in the room, I have no doubt she would have grabbed it. The rage was uncontrollable. With her, it fluctuates between abusive silence and rage/violence.

I've really gotten to a point myself where I have moved past the "what can you do" portion. Instead, I have begun saying "that is some very strange behavior you are exhibiting" or "you need to get your emotions under control". Recently, she began yelling over something that was incredibly benign. My response? "You are acting very strange right now. You need to get your emotions in check". Is that part of the "method"? Nope, but it needs to be said. No one else would say that to her. She doesn't really have anyone else she can rely on. That's a big part of the reason we are here... .

[Meili]

I have begun saying "that is some very strange behavior you are exhibiting" or "you need to get your emotions under control". Recently, she began yelling over something that was incredibly benign. My response? "You are acting very strange right now. You need to get your emotions in check". Is that part of the "method"? Nope, but it needs to be said. No one else would say that to her. She doesn't really have anyone else she can rely on. That's a big part of the reason we are here... .

hhhmmm... .why does she need to do anything and who gets to decide what she needs to do?

Trying to dictate what she does and, presumably, punish her when she doesn't comply with what you think that she needs to do is a recipe for disaster.

You will get much further if you focus on what you can actually control; yourself. Figuring out what you need to do is the first step, and it sounds like you're doing just that.

You'll get much further with Reinforcing Good Behavior and Positive Reinforcement than you will by trying to dictate her actions. Positive reinforcement will give her motivation.

[walkinthepark247]

She "needs to" because she is acting very bizarrely in front of our young kids. Everyone's stomach churns because she cannot seem to pull it together (or even try to). I would say the same thing if it was a family member, associate or friend acting rudely / obnoxiously in front of our kids. The only difference is I would be able to completely sever ties with that person. We're already well into disaster mode. I truly feel like I've been an enabler in the past by not speaking up enough regarding her behavior. There is a consequence to everyone's behavior (BPD or Non). Her behavior is now wrecking havoc on our kids.

[Meili]

I completely agree with you that there are consequences to every action for everyone; BPD or not. The converse to this is also true, each of us, BPD or not, is free to make our choices and decide how we act.

Can you see any other alternatives, things that you can do that are actually within your control, to dictating what her actions/choices are?

[Radcliff]

Hi walkinthepark247, I have tried the same thing you describe -- pointing out that my wife's behavior is out of control.  Hmm... .How well do you think it worked for me to tell an out of control person she is out of control?  Not effective.  I still haven't fully broken myself of the habit, but I definitely wouldn't recommend it

I have on occasion broken a rage storm by remaining completely calm and pouring on the empathy and validation.  Sometimes she perceives it as insincere, and most often she is simply too worked up for anything to be effective, but occasionally it works.  Usually I just need to let it run its course, while trying not to do anything that triggers escalation.  This can be tricky.

Spend some time on thehotline.org Web site, and everything you can find on this site about DV.  The case of acting inappropriately in front of the kids is a tough one.  Keep in mind that they are young, and their future will not likely hang on one verbal incident.  The key is to avoid escalation and work towards a long term solution.  One approach is to think of ways to remove the kids from the situation without making it an escalation.  You could move with her to another room if they are safe to be left alone, or could set the youngest in a crib and the oldest in a place to play and encourage her to go to the other side of the home to talk with you, or you could take the kids to the other side of the home or outside if you can do it in a way that doesn't trigger her.  As soon as she figures out you want something, she may try to do the opposite, and may well want the kids to be there if she knows it makes you uncomfortable, so I know this is a difficult problem.

What do you think of these potential approaches?  Might they work in your situation?

Wentworth

[walkinthepark247]

I really appreciate the insight and advice. I'm just at a place where I don't know if I can do this any longer. I'm vacillating. What is the upside potential? At least, I don't see what it is at this precise moment. It's not lost on me that this thread is in the "improving" section.

When I read your comment that you've been journaling for years, that really depresses me because that could be me. Please understand that I do not say this to be offensive or attack you. I just do not see the point in that for me. These attacks are detrimental to me being. I have noticed bizarre behavior for years now.

I feel like my head is swimming with all of the differing advice I get. Some say "she's exhibiting crazy behavior, that's great! It will really help you down the road [legally]" Others say it is possible to have a somewhat normal relationship with a BPD person. The biggest obstacle I face is that I cannot let my guard down any longer. Each and every time I think the storm has passed, a tornado unexpectedly springs up on a clear day. I've not had a really enjoyable holiday ever because my spouse turns into a mopey / depressed / angry mess particularly around the holidays. That's not something to look forward to. She refuses to acknowledge any problem.

I've seen people in various threads on this site talk about how their faith compels them to stay with this person even though they are being abused. I totally disagree. Even my Christian counselor has stressed that my safety and the safety of the kids is more important. Even *her* counselor encouraged me to call the police.

It's gotten to a point where I typically have a custody battle in the back of my mind. Think about it for a moment (and I'm challenging you as well). If a stranger on the street is attacking you, you say something, right? That would be relevant in any custody dispute as well. This would be my testimony: "She was acting very bizarrely in front of the kids. Screaming obscenities for no apparent reason. She was so angry that she was physically shaking. I calmly told her that she was acting strangely and that she needed to calm down; it wasn't appropriate. I have told her many times that she needs mental help. After I asked her to calm down, she then proceeded to physically attack me in view of the kids." It's exactly what happened the last time. Wouldn't that be very helpful for the Court to hear?

I have tried to have the "no physical violence" conversation with her. It always ends in "you just make me so mad; if only you didn't xyz". Typically, she says she must attack me because I don't listen enough to her. It's like one of those bad films you (I?) used to watch in high school health class. "Baby, if only you didn't... .I wouldn't have to smack you around".

Part of this is just rambling. I need to get it out. Thanks for listening.  

[Meili]

Rambling is fine. We all do that here. This is a safe place to let it all out.

My position is that the advice you are getting is not actually conflicting and that it has a lot to do with how you choose to handle yourself and what you decide to do.

A large part of what we talk about around here centers on stopping the situation before it escalates. Sometimes that isn't possible, but quite often it is. It really helps to be proactive rather than reactive.

As far as the upside, unfortunately, that's not anything that any of us can answer. Each person and relationship is different. For some, their pwBPD falls somewhere on the spectrum that makes them manageable to that person. For others, the situation is completely intolerable.

I can say that my x fell at a place on the spectrum that was manageable to me. If our core values weren't so different, we could have had a great, life-long relationship. It turned out that I just didn't like her as a person and that had nothing to do with BPD. 

[walkinthepark247]

Thanks. What makes this even more difficult for me is that I do see caring qualities in my wife from time-to-time. That's when I vacillate... .

[Meili]

Have you ever heard the term Radical Acceptance?

When we radically accepting a situation will allow you to make effective changes because we stop fighting the situation.

When faced with a painful situation, you really have only 4 options:

* Solve the problem.

* Change how you feel about the problem.

* Accept it.

* Stay miserable; continue to be a victim.

You will have to decide which of these solutions is the right one for you.

Please do not get the wrong idea, I am not suggesting that anyone should ever just accept violence or abuse. That is not the situation that I'm talking about. I am discussing the problem in a much broader sense. What I'm talking about starts long before the situation escalates into violence or abuse.

It starts with accepting where things are today, how they got here, and how to do things differently in the future. It starts with accepting both her part and your part in all of this.

Does that make sense? Can you see how radical acceptance can help?

[Radcliff]

walkingthepark24, yes, it is confusing.  My wife is amazing, and better than me in many ways, and I'm not just saying that.  I'm not offended to hear you're depressed that I've been journaling for years.  If you can learn from my experience and get to a better place sooner, that would make me happy.  You don't have to wait years, but I'm thinking it might be on the order of months for you to climb up the skills ladder and get to a good decision point and be able to either leave or stay.  As you build your communication and conflict management skills over this time, you are preparing yourself to be more effective in your marriage if you stay, and better able to handle divorce and co-parenting if you leave.

I think it's a meaningful difference that your kids are younger than mine.  If you can get things on a better track, this gives your whole family more better years than I was able to give.  If you decide to leave at some point, you'll have plenty of time to establish a "new normal" and raise your kids for a good portion of their time in a peaceful household you have created.

Let me push you a little bit and say not to think about what a court would think when you are managing difficulties in your relationship and in your home.  Keep everyone safe, and then after that, be as calm, patient, and healing as you can be.  It's not important to the court that you have told your wife she is out of control.  I would be interested in hearing Cole's perspecttive on managing out of control people.  With one exception, it has *never* been effective to tell my wife she is out of control, and only riles her up more.  The only time it has been effective and necessary is one time that she posed a direct physical danger to D12, and was going to take her into the car on a bogus trip when she was in a rage.  I found a daddy bear voice and told her she was not going to get in the car with D12.  That's once in 23 years.  All the other times I was wasting my breath.

How are you doing?  How are those assignments coming?

Wentworth

[Radcliff]

Hi walkinthepark247, it's been a while.  How are things with you?

Wentworth

[walkinthepark247]

BB (and others),

Thanks for checking in. I see that you have been very active and had some major developments. I am impressed by the strength you are showing during this time. I have had some major pressures at work which prevented me from posting. However, I have been watching regularly.

I gathered some literature on the local rules for domestic violence. There were many good pamphlets that I found.

This is where I am today: I continue to have hope and I still do love my wife. At the same time, I still see that sickness getting ready to blow up at any time. Last night, we had the most asinine argument. She was all over the map. Every major concern and list of grievance against may possible. I simply sat in silence and kept repeating that I was listening. I'm not even entirely sure what I was listening to because it seemed almost frantic. She is doing her best to convince herself that I am the problem and the one with mental illness. I tried to use some of the language you had expressed previously that domestic violence cannot be accepted in any form. She refused to acknowledge the number of attacks she has made against me. As before, none of these were her fault. If only I would express more empathy to her. Her exact words.

I am doing my best not to argue or attempt to use reason. At the same time, I'm extremely worn down by the situation. The argument that occurred last night happened in bed. When I say argument, I was not the one doing any arguing. I simply didn't even know how to respond. Perhaps it would have been better for me to say I'm going to go read a book on the sofa. Nothing that I said or did was right.

She is been seeing a counselor on her own lately. I'm starting to wonder if the counselor may be picking up on some of these behaviors. Every time she comes home from the counselor, she seems more agitated than before. That's when the "i'm not crazy" arguments start. Her counsel had previously told me that she would like to see my wife hospitalized. I don't know what has happened with that since then. I do know that there has been a heightened "I'm not crazy; you are" from her. At the same time, I have learned to accept that I have no control over whether she gets mental health care or not. So, it is not as if I am pushing it. Perhaps she sees the bizarre nature of some of her behavior and it scares her? Perhaps I will never know.

I would like to find a new counselor. I just don't think my current counselor is a good fit for me. He was the one that told me about BPD, but he hasn't been very helpful when I asked questions about how to deal with the children. That has to be my primary concern. I'm very concerned about our oldest child developing some sort of PTSD. Much of the anger is starting to be directed towards our oldest child (still in preschool) now.

I have asked my wife to go back to couples counseling. Like others have said here, I don't expect couples counseling to do a great deal for us in our marriage. However, I would like someone present when I address some of these issues. I've gotten to a point where I lay awake at night thinking about my wife's violent nature. I really need help in this regard and it's something I must explore with a counselor or you guys. It is taking its toll on me. It's got to a point where I'm worn out by worry and it does not allow me to see when my wife does do kind and loving things.

I really appreciate the options "Meili" posted. I want you to know that i have printed these out and they are on my desk at work. I must stop focusing on being the victim. My kids need me to be strong during this time. I believe that "acceptance" will be the best path for me.

[Radcliff]

walkinthepark247, glad to hear from you!  It sounds like there is still much work to do on getting you to the point where you feel safe in your home.  :)o you have a plan that includes consequences the next time there is an incident?  What are they?  

Has your wife hit you or done anything else violent in the last 2-3 weeks?  Have you had to call your friend?

Wentworth

[walkinthepark247]

No, my wife has not hit me in the past two-three weeks. But, there have been plenty of times where I felt like it may be coming. Lots of very awkward exchanges and silence in the home. Lots of "no one loves me or cares". I'm really dreading the upcoming holidays. That's when she gets the most heightened.

I've really been focused on what Meili (sp?) said in a previous post in this thread. I know that I've become too focused in the past on just wallowing in victimhood. Instead, I merely need to accept the situation as it is and work to improve those things in my control. My wife's happiness is not in my control. I've learned to accept that.

I am keeping in touch with my distant friend about the situation. I am lucky to have this person.

I have tried to approach the subject of violence a couple of times now. Each time, it has ended very badly. She wants to hear none of it. I must say that I also plagiarized BluesBrother's statements regarding violence. "Yes, but violence is always unacceptable and against the law". Unfortunately, it ends with her saying "I woudn't get so angry if  you XYZ". No responsibility for the situtation. Hence, I'm uncertain whether it is even worth it to bring it up again. I've said my peace. Violence cannot and will not be tolerated. Although, I have not clearly laid out the consequences.

[walkinthepark247]

How are you doing?

[Radcliff]

Hey walkinthepark247, good to hear from you.

You need consequences.  Domestic violence needs to have zero tolerance.  But first, take an inventory of what's going on and what you won't accept.  Take a look at these links:

Relationship Spectrum
abuse defined

Things are pretty eventful on this end.  No news to report yet, though.

WW