Vacation blew up in my face

[snowglobe]

Hello all,
I’ve been quiet for a little while, trying to practice the validation skills, avoiding major curveballs that my uBPDh threw at me. It was steady, he’s been quietly working himself up to one of his epic stand offs. I need your advice and expertise on how to fix this setuation and not add extra fuel to Escalade it further.
Our s10 just had a bday, instead of a big celebration he chose to go to Disney Florida. We love it down there and usually spend a week visiting friends and hitting the beach. Past Sunday we went with our two children. He was a bit jumpy and snappy, I remained neutral, did my best at validating his feelings and stay emphatetic and open to communication. By anticipating his every wish and mood I was able to keep it steady for the children, enough to enjoy their time on vacation. I, however was walking on the eggshells the entire time. Fast forward to 2 hours ago, once he came home, I started unpacking and getting ready for the week ahead. UBPDh went upstairs and was complaining about our dog being “filthy”, proceeded to wash our dog in the bathroom sink. All the while knowing that I detest having an animal use the same sink as us. My kids wash their faces and hands, I don’t want any animal feces coming into contact with me or the kids. I cleaned up the sink under my breath. He then demanded the phone charger from downstairs, put on his favourite tv show, all the while PLAYING HIS STUPID VIDEOGAME on the phone. I lost it, I told him that I was just as tired as he was after a long journey home, that I was snappy and if he needed the phone charger he should go and get it himself. I just said it in passing, without consciously realizing that I just blew myself up on a “rejection” mine

[Notwendy]

I hope you don't see this last blow up as a zero sum. It seems like this was also a great birthday for your son and a fun trip. I know it took extreme effort on your part.

I think it is OK to pick your battles. Whenever there is a change in routine, or a special event, it can be a situation that also leads to more drama in family dynamics. I do not think it is OK to walk on eggshells all the time and it is something we need to work on, but IMHO- the short term benefit of it may be worth doing as a coping mechanism to decrease drama in a potentially high drama occasion.

Vacations and family get togethers have been a stressor, as well a something wonderful. We seem to have issues between us when we are travelling to see our FOO's-yet, we feel these visits are important. Family vacations have also done this. So have events like holidays and ceremonies like graduation.

Sometimes I think a pwBPD seeks drama as an outlet for uncomfortable emotions. Your H was out of sorts. It reminds me of travelling with little kids. Several hours in the car or airport and you have an out of sort kid. Kids tantrum when they are tired and stressed. We adults don't do that but we get snarky and snappy. Your H is away from his routine, he's cooped up in a hotel room with the constant stimulation of kids. You are caretaking as well and getting worn out.

I recall just snapping into caretaker mode during these vacations/events for the sake of the kids. I try really hard to look at the big picture- a fun trip to Disneyland takes effort and time on the part of the adults to pull off- but it is worth it for the kids. Likewise, taking the family to visit relatives is stressful but for me I think it is important that they have some contact with their extended family.

So how to deal with this? To me self care is the key. I may need some time to myself afterwards- go get a cup of coffee, take a walk or nap- so that I don't get out of sorts, even if others are out of sorts around me. It takes practice. So you snapped- you were tired, worn out and your H was pushing your buttons ( washing to dog). I think this was his way of also managing his frustrations- but he needs a better way to do this too. If the sink is a common conflict- maybe the dog can go to a pet salon on a regular basis- or something to bypass this issue.

Don't be down on yourself. One blow up after a Disney trip wasn't pleasant but your S had a great birthday!

[formflier]

Focus on the good here... .it sounds like you had a great time on vacation.  It sounds like the process of returning was a bit rough and H didn't meet several of your expectations.

Can I guess correctly that perhaps you were both a bit low on sleep? 

I would encourage you to not "pile together" or "lump together" issues.

Dogs sometimes need to be bathed.  That's a distinct issue to be solved. 

Charging phones is a distinct need... .one that both of you can solve.  If he is being demanding... .or speaking unpleasantly... .about anything... .let that be a separate issue.

The more you can make issues "smaller" and "more solvable"... .the less the stress.  The more you can take care of yourself (see Notwendy's excellent list) the better you are able to "not lose it".

Last... be easy on yourself.  You "lost it"... .own it... .take care of yourself... and move on.

What does "owning it" look like for you?

What does "taking care of yourself" look like for you?

What does "moving on" look like for you?

FF

[snowglobe]

@NotWendy,
I’m so greatful to see you replying to me again. I truly appreciate your support. You are absolutely right, our trip wasn’t even half bad. I got to spend the time with uBPDh and the kids together. However, I am so conditioned to anticipate his splitting and tantruming, that I was expecting him to blow up at any moment. Just like a pressure cooker, it depleted and exhausted me. Last night I let him take the downstairs couch, he was splitting and cursing me with profanity laced monologue. I went to him, apologized for snapping and told him that I wish I was more sensitive to his needs. He slept downstairs. When the morning came, the entire house woke up, the usual weekend commotion started. He got up and I proceeded to interact with him as if nothing happened. Later in the afternoon we went to the office, he was working and I was studying. It was great, we had lunch and chatted briefly. I’m slowly Re-learning that even if I screw up sometimes, or he just wants his space it’s gonna be ok in the end.

[snowglobe]

Focus on the good here... .it sounds like you had a great time on vacation.  It sounds like the process of returning was a bit rough and H didn't meet several of your expectations.

Can I guess correctly that perhaps you were both a bit low on sleep? 

I would encourage you to not "pile together" or "lump together" issues.

Dogs sometimes need to be bathed.  That's a distinct issue to be solved. 

Charging phones is a distinct need... .one that both of you can solve.  If he is being demanding... .or speaking unpleasantly... .about anything... .let that be a separate issue.

The more you can make issues "smaller" and "more solvable"... .the less the stress.  The more you can take care of yourself (see Notwendy's excellent list) the better you are able to "not lose it".

Last... be easy on yourself.  You "lost it"... .own it... .take care of yourself... and move on.

What does "owning it" look like for you?

What does "taking care of yourself" look like for you?

What does "moving on" look like for you?

FF

Dear Formflier, thank you for taking the time to reply. As always you very insightful, we were tired and exhausted beyond any means. Driving and taking the flight, uBPDh was sitting with kids, serving as a human pillow and then driving. During all of our trip I was busy organizing activities, taking care of food and the kids, cooking and cleaning, since we stayed at a rental house. Being together 24/7 didn’t leave any room for a quiet moment. I truly needed some rest. And although the circumstances were not what I hoped them to be, I actually enjoyed solid 9 hours of sleep on the weekend while he slept alone on the couch. My codependency issues create a toxic environment, where I can’t separate myself from the perception of me that he is holding at that moment.
I owned up to my end of the argument by apologizing and telling him that I would like him to come back to bed. I moved on by begging the new day from a clean slate. I just pretended as if nothing happened, in some way he probably felt that the conflict resolved itself. My taking care involves healthy diet, time to groom and take care of my appearance, beauty treatments. I consider myself a very “girly girl”, and I suspect that due to my low self esteem my appearance plays a very large role in how I perceive myself.

[Enabler]

I have found that splitting the demands into 3 groups has helped:

- Important to me - TAKE ACTION - in this instance it might be that not having dog do do on your and your kids face is important to you, since there's nothing you can do about your H washing the dog in the sink as it's not important to him you just have to clean up the mess afterwards.

- Nice/reasonable thing to do, not important to me but if I was in a healthy relationship I would expect it - TAKE ACTION - something like, could you bring up XYZ on your way upstairs as I couldn't manage everything

- Unreasonable requests - IGNORE... .and I mean totally IGNORE unless prompted for a response - could you get me the charger? Well is there any reason why you can't get the charger yourself since I am busy with other things? Are you physically incapable? Ask yourself what the consequences of not jumping to attention would be. If my D9 asked her to wipe her bottom I would refuse, why, because she's perfectly capable of doing it for herself.

By doing this I am mentally placing value on me and my time and my effort. I am important, my time and effort are precious and I would also like to be feet up watching TV or doing some other leisure activity. Their inference of whether or not having free unabated access to my time and my effort = Love, is wrong. By handing over my time and effort for free (valueless) is not an expression of Love to them, it's an expression of lack of love for ourselves.