i've screwed up my relationships with other family b/c of caretaking my unBPDm

[momisborderline]

 I just recently (10 days ago) went NC with my unBPDm, found this forum and have been reading alot about BPDs. I've read "Eggshells," am reading "Surviving a Borderline Parent" and am about to read "Understanding the Borderline Mother." This forum has helped me so much, both reading about others experiences and getting your feedback on my posts.

My mom is 75 y/o and toggles back and forth (almost instantaneously) between Queen and Witch behavior (see "Understanding the Borderline Mother) with some Waif behavior always sprinkled throughout. 

Today I was struck with an uncomfortable truth. About 20 years ago, (when I was 29 years old) my brother announced he was getting married. He and I had been close as youngsters, but when my parents divorced, he, and all my other siblings, sided with my dad, leaving only me to "take care" of my mom. So we basically weren't speaking. Shortly after announcing his wedding, my father told me that my brother wouldn't be inviting my mom to the wedding. The wedding was going to be a big deal but all the bigger because it was being held in Ireland. So there was alot of attention paid to it.

Somehow it fell to me to tell my mother she wasn't being invited. I still remember the phonecall when I told her. She had a total meltdown, fell apart, crying and sobbing hysterically. I of course, being the good little caretaker and needing to demonstrate absolute loyalty to the Queen IMMEDIATELY said to her "well, if that's how he wants it, then I won't go either!" (Dear readers, I'm sure I don't need to tell you that my mother didn't try to talk me out of that decision. I'm sure she expected nothing less from her loyal subject.)

I then, in a fit of self-righteousness, called my brother and left him a very  self righteous message saying that if he wasn't going to invite my mother than I wouldn't be able to attend either. I told him that I wasn't trying to punish him (ummm... .right) but that the simple truth was he deserved to only have people around him on that day who were happy to be there and that if I were there, knowing that Mom had been excluded, that I couldn't be happy. God, I look back at that last sentence and want to barf. I was so holier than thou.
A few family members tried to talk me out of it, my partner at the time tried to talk me out of it, but I was wrapped in the cloak of loyalty and self-righteousness. Needless to say, while my relationship with my brother was already strained, this absolutely pulled the plug on it. It's interesting to note that those closest to me, when I told them this decision, expressed concern that this might not be the way to go. In the end they all said "look, if that's what you want I will support you, but I'm concerned that you will one day regret this decision." I was in such a state that I was surprised by there response -  I actually thought I was demonstrating to them what an amazing and loyal person I was and wondered why they couldn't see it. What was wrong with them? Now I do regret it.

And ironically, now twenty years later, I have done exactly what my brother did. I have shut my mom out of my life completely. I am doing the very same thing I wanted to "punish" him for. And I feel like a heel for the decision I made about his wedding. I feel terrible. And I feel like a hypocrite. All of us deserve to have the wedding we want with the people we want. I know weddings are tough because it becomes about family dynamics, but good grief, if I were to marry my current partner today and my sister (who I'm on good terms with) were to call me and say "if you don't invite Mom, I'm not coming to the wedding." I guess I'd have to say "ok then don't go," because I couldn't risk having mom there knowing how it would make me feel.

Here's what's interesting. It was so easy for me to make the decision not to go to my brother's wedding. After all, I had been conditioned by my mom for decades for this. And so many people tried to get me to re-consider this decision. Here's the interesting part:  it was so hard for me to decide to go no contact with my mom, so hard. And yet, when I tell people I am close to that I have done this, every single one of them says, "gosh, I'm sorry because I know how hard this is for you. But I really don't see how you have any choice but to do this. You deserve to have your own life and you are not required to save your mother."

I'm pretty sure I'll have many more realizations like this. This is painful.

[Notwendy]

That is the way thing work with my mother as well. You are either on her side or not her side. I wasn't on her side. I have been on the receiving end of the kind of thing you did with your brother and her "followers" were also self righteous in their loyalty and firm in their decision to show their loyalty to me by discarding their relationship with me.

These were family members who I had known since childhood and believed they loved me. I grieved the loss of ever one of them.

The only way I know to cope with this grief was to move on with my life without them.But I can say this: if at any time any one of them were to make a sincere attempt to reconcile with me, I would welcome it. They would have to be open about my mother to me and demonstrate that they are aware of her disorder. One did try to contact me and I responded but I don't think it was sincere, I think he was doing it under her orders.

You were young at the time and had no idea what the dynamics were. It astounds me that these are grown people- her age- with life experience and still made that decision.

There is power in a sincere amends. I really like the wording of the 9th step ( 12 steps) - be willing to make amends unless doing so would cause harm to you or someone else. Your brother may have been hurt at the time. I know that feeling doesn't just go away. You just have to move on because you can't change it and it is the best thing to do at the time.

If you are willing to reach out to your brother, it may make a difference. He may or may not come around all at once, maybe never, but you don't know until you try. If he is receptive, you will have your brother back and the chance to reconcile. If he doesn't, then you know you have tried.

[Turkish]

Not to go all Hallmark here,  but I agree with Notwendy. Have you given thought about reaching out to your brother?

As for the guilt,  my mother wasn't aggressive like yours was,  more Waif. More similar to your story,  however,  is that not only has everybody agreed with my NC, most telegraphed that they were admiring of me for sticking it out.  So a lot of the guilt resides with me; not what my mom might think of me,  nor what others might,  but what I think of myself. 

Start do you think? How much of this might be you perhaps torturing yourself?

Regarding your bother again,  I'm thinking of Joseph the Hebrew,  or The Prodigal Son, powerful stories of forgiveness and reconciliation. 

[Notwendy]

Although the focus on this board is the pwBPD, and my BPD mother has serious behavior issues, I am able to understand that she has a disorder. Her actions are more about her than about me.

What is harder to understand is the people connected to her- they didn't have a disorder and yet, they chose to go along with my mother's directives. This astounded me. They are intelligent, functional people and yet, chose to believe the lies my mother told them about me. In comparison, I am a functional person and I don't behave like her. How can they not see this?

This kind of behavior on the part of my mother quite literally split my family apart-or what I thought was my family. I am alienated from her side of the family. Although not all of them chose to not speak to me, I no longer trust them as they "report " to her. If I post a picture on Facebook, they copy it and send it to her. Not that I care about the content- I don't post anything on FB that is private. It's the idea that they report everything I would say to them to her and we can not have our own relationship. The other part is that she tells them lies about me and so they don't really know me for who I am.

At this point, I consider anyone connected to her as not someone I would seek a relationship with. I am polite and cordial to those of them who do speak to me, but I keep them at a distance.

Still, I would be open to reconciliation. What would it take? A very simple thing: honesty. An honest discussion about my mother instead of the family lies that "mother is normal" that they perpetuate. She isn't normal. She has a mental disorder. I've learned to deal with her. It's the family lie I don't want to go along with.

It would not surprise me if your brother reacts to your reaching out with suspicion and hesitation at first. Repair for me, would not be instant. It would take some time for me to begin to trust any of these family members. But repair is possible. I want you to know that- and I hope that you will try.

[madeline7]

My uBPDm is a Waif-Queen hybrid. I don't feel like I screwed up my family relationships (which are very screwed up, one sibling not talking to me and the other is enabling my Mom and disapproves of me), rather I feel like we all did the best we could in a screwed up family with the Matriarch being a raging Borderline and Narcissist and the Patriarch completely enmeshed and enabling her every wish. I am on a journey of recovery and health, and unfortunately the rest of the family is just not into my honesty and boundary setting. We all made decisions in the past based on caretaking Moms unrealistic needs, we had no idea about what was normal, being children and growing up in a dysfunctional family with a disordered parent. If one of my siblings were to reach out to me with honesty, I would welcome it. When I have talked openly with them and they were not receptive, at least I know I have tried. It still hurts, but not only am I trying to live a truthful and beautiful life, I am modeling healthy behavior for my kids, who are now young adults. Keep up the good work, you have made progress, it is a long road, one that is not linear, just keep moving forward.

[Struggles]

Reflecting on the path with the borderline is so difficult.  I also agree that when and if you feel ready to talk to your brother, hopefully he will be receptive to how you are feeling, and how you felt obligated. 

All of us feel the FOG, fear obligation guilt.  And you being the only one left, you probably felt it ten fold.  I am so proud for what you are doing.  It is not easy, but absolutely necessary for your sanity and happiness. 

Do you all ever look at others family dynamics and wonder what it's like to be in healthy family relationships?  I find myself doing that a lot.  But, have to stop myself.  We are in this place in our lives for some reason.

[BERTS17]

I m currently going through a nightmare.  My son is 21 and has been diagnosed with BPD for around 18 months.  I have read about the disorder and I think I understand it.  When he has one of his moments I tend to talk through what has happened and why it was wrong and point out to him why it cant happen again. I am calm with him but firm.

My wife does nit agree with this.  She feels discipline, shouting etc is the way and that we should throw him out.  We have had problems with him for years, which, amongst other things, has meant we are now divorcing.  My so is really struggling with this and he and his mum are arguing a lot.  He often swears and says disgusting things to her, which I am sure you know is almost impossible to stop once it starts.

I m nit looking for guidance just whether I am dealing with it right.

[Notwendy]

Hi Bert- that is heartbreaking about your son. This is your child and so the idea of him fending for himself is a difficult one. I also think that a child with issues is a strain on the marriage.

I hope you have gotten into some sort of therapy. Family dynamics are complicated. I am in 12 step groups for my FOO situation and there are parents in my group dealing with adult children who have issues like BPD and addiction. Tough love is hard, but sometimes it is necessary.

I'm not saying either you or his mother is right or wrong, but that a good T can help you navigate those lines between support and enabling, tough love and abandonment.

[Notwendy]

The invitation to the wedding is familiar to me. For just about every family celebration we have had, I included my parents and my mother would pressure me to include her entire FOO threatening a family feud if we didn't.

Sometimes I didn't, and people got mad, sometimes I gave in an included them all and it was so stressful as my mother would insist I serve their favorite food, their favorite beverages and make the whole thing about her and her FOO.

Some time after my father died, his FOO invited us to an event and not my mother. My father's FOO couldn't stand her and the feeling was mutual. Yet, when she realized she was not invited - she hit the roof. Apparently just because she was married to my father- this meant- according to her- that they had to include her even if their relationship wasn't good.

Then she told me about a long time ago when someone didn't invite one of them (her FOO) to an event, they all banded together to boycott the event- because to them, it was a terrible thing to do.

This seems to be a result of enmeshment. All of them or none of them.

Madeline said it well: My uBPDm is a Waif-Queen hybrid. I don't feel like I screwed up my family relationships (which are very screwed up, one sibling not talking to me and the other is enabling my Mom and disapproves of me), rather I feel like we all did the best we could in a screwed up family with the Matriarch being a raging Borderline and Narcissist and the Patriarch completely enmeshed and enabling her every wish.

This is my FOO too. I don't hold bad feelings for my mother's FOO. They all came from the same crazy family tree and we all did the best we could with it. Yet, like Madeline, I want to do something different and not perpetuate these dynamics. I also realize that at any point, one of her FOO would choose to do this too, and I would welcome a relationship with them if they do.