Feel my progress is on pause.

[Subaru02]

As one of my previous posts, 4 year relationship that lasted initially 3, was replaced during relationship when things weren't as good in her eyes as she wanted them to be. Deeply hurt, couldn't believe she'd do that. Completely devalued me when I tried to get explanation or closure about her actions and decisions. Fastforward about a month and a half, she comes back her replacement dumped her and she misses me. I fall for it wasn't over her didn't know anything about BPD but now realize her whole family has traits of it except for her brother and father ( basically only the women in the family to different degrees, the youngest sisters being extremeg ly obvious!)

We lasted a year, her childish and frustrating behavior brought me back to impatience, complacency and oswanting space from her more often just like before even though our first months of "getting back" felt like a huge honeymoon even more intense than the first.

Anyways after a year, it Ended this via messenger and left me wondering why the sudden decision to leave. We had an argument or two before but nothing too bad. She said a bunch of nice things about me and I just agreed to the breakup because I was sick of sticking around someone who didn't have the guts to break it off in person and even less fight for us when things get harder. What a coward I thought.

So I went NC for 25 days, and during those 25 days she initially breadcrumbed me the first week, then she started seeing someone the week after. She knew him from work, obviously she got in contact with him shortly after our breakup or maybe she had already seen him a couple times who knows. So I decided to let it go and mind my own business. A week later I find out they are sleeping together frequently and that she's into him now. So I decided to confront her and tell her I found it hurtful that we both shared feelings during our breakup conversation and  agreed to go NC on both our ends to help each other cope. I told her I couldn't believe she'd jump into bed with a new guy after doing the same thing last year after our breakup. She became MEAN, COLD and painted me black I almost fell off my chair at work. She told me how much happier she had been since our breakup and how the new guy was a good friend to her and could treat her RIGHT.

Anyways I wished her all the best with the guy, told her if she was happy I was happy. Told her I could now feel free to date when I was ready, knowing she was already seeing people she told me that I should treat my next girl RIGHT and that was it. We never spoke since Sept 12th (50 days ago NC) so on the 20th of september she posted a picture with him on social media with hearts all over.

Its been over 2.5 months since BU, and 50 days NC and I still have her on my mind everyday, I can't believe how rapidly she could split to someone else again after all we went through, after idealizing me so hard twice in a row I guess I was weak to the idealization period and held on to that. That phase is gone and will never exist again.

This time off from her has made me realize she was bringing no good to my life but that I felt good about myself for being there for her so much. The sex was great and having her around was good most of the time.

I was happy the breakup initially ended on good terms, but finding out what really lead her to end things was really upsetting. I reacted emotionally by blocking her everywhere and going full NC, she's never reached out and it sucks to realize that her and I will not be moving forward together after all this

[Mutt]

Hi Subaru02,

after idealizing me so hard twice in a row I guess I was weak to the idealization period and held on to that. That phase is gone and will never exist again.

From what I hear a pwBPD will try harder with idealization the second time, to be fair it could be more difficult to reject that if it's more intense. Sometimes healing takes one step forward and two steps back, it must of been hurtful hearing how she got involved with the guy from work so quickly, you still had feelings for her.

I hope that you're not worried about getting stuck? I can also see how sad it would feel when you come to the realization or decision that this is really the end. This is probably not the last that you're going to hear from her, you can't put a boundary on someone else ( asking her to honor no contact ) you can only control how you act and react. I think that the good news is for now is that it sounds like you want to move on and you're not stradling the fence. I think that would be worse not having a clear goal in mind and leaving it to the possibility of a recycle. You're not the only that recycle, I think more than 60% of the members have recycled.

I reacted emotionally by blocking her everywhere and going full NC, she's never reached out and it sucks to realize that her and I will not be moving forward together after all this

I'd feel hurt too and I could see myself feeling frustrated and have a strong emotional reaction. You're in NC now, give yourself and as much time as you need to heal, you may not see it now but one day when you have more time behind you. You might look at this situation differently and think that the man from the office did you a favor.

You have a long enough history together, it's going to take time to heal, sometimes we feel like we're right back to square one, sometimes we're stuck, you're asking for help now on this forum I think that you'll move forward from helping yourself as you are now and from the help of other.

[TsunamiWave]

Sorry to hear what you have been through.

The question you have about how could and why would they do these things is a question we, victims of these monsters all had and some still have. Borderlines are essencially emotional parasites, they use people to fill the infinite emptyness they have inside of them, they're never connected to us the same way we normal and healthy people are connected when we're in love, what they get from us, that is, the supply we are to their ego, to their loneliness, to their crazy thoughts, they can get it from someone else. To us it doesnt work like that, even if we find someone that can gives us even more, we cant simply move on because its the person that we're connected to, they're not like that, they are not in love because they cannot love, hence why they obsess over love and love fairytales.

When a borderline feels like a relationship is going to end, due to their extreme fear of abandonment, they will often abandon the first first. Meaning that once the time comes, they already have atleast 5 replacements sitting in the bench ready for the call, they build these relationships/affairs even when they are in relationships with us.

These people are absolutely sick, they feel no empathy and they are sociopaths. There is absolutely no win comming from this situation. What you have to do is to cut off our losses and permanently stay away from people like this.

[Kelli Cornett]

Sorry to hear what you have been through.

The question you have about how could and why would they do these things is a question we, victims of these monsters all had and some still have. Borderlines are essencially emotional parasites, they use people to fill the infinite emptyness they have inside of them, they're never connected to us the same way we normal and healthy people are connected when we're in love, what they get from us, that is, the supply we are to their ego, to their loneliness, to their crazy thoughts, they can get it from someone else. To us it doesnt work like that, even if we find someone that can gives us even more, we cant simply move on because its the person that we're connected to, they're not like that, they are not in love because they cannot love, hence why they obsess over love and love fairytales.

When a borderline feels like a relationship is going to end, due to their extreme fear of abandonment, they will often abandon the first first. Meaning that once the time comes, they already have atleast 5 replacements sitting in the bench ready for the call, they build these relationships/affairs even when they are in relationships with us.

These people are absolutely sick, they feel no empathy and they are sociopaths. There is absolutely no win comming from this situation. What you have to do is to cut off our losses and permanently stay away from people like this.

Every case is different... .

[Subaru02]

Thanks for the quick replies guys, sure helps me go to sleep with such constructive responses.

Its hard to explain, but on a superficial/outside level everyone she acquaints with and doesn't get too "close" to all see her as someone clumsy, fun to be with and happy" but she seems to have a lot of trouble keeping people "in her life" as true friends. After living over 22 years in the same city (she is 23) she only has "one" girl best friend the rest are just aquaintances she sees at work or school none of them include her in their intimate gir group activities but since they never really get close to her they don't see her dark side, so many people see her as the nice easy going girl. When you get intimate with her that changes a lot!

But if I look at the way she talks behind their backs, all the mean things she says about many of them to me when we were together, its like what the heck how can she paint me black and call me negative and say that I made her unhappy when she basically spends her time judging and devaluing people around her constantly.


Its funny how the cause was also the effect; me recycling her I felt a bit of a holdback I wasn't committing as much as I was before she replaced me. I was keeping her at arms length and had decided to do this for a while until she could prove she was trustworthy.

This made her grow impatient and lose interest but I did this for me. She blamed me for not committing and left without realizing she was the one to come back, and was the one to have betrayed my trust.

Its crazy it feels like its all the other way around for her and trying to reason with her never got anywhere so Yes, that guy she met at work while she was lifeguarding (he was basically just a guy at the beach hitting on her while she was working) probably knows nothing about her yet, and ha probably done me a favor in the long term.