Need advice how to communicate to NBPD-mother that I want NC

[Towanda]

Hi.

I have finally understood that I never will get the mom I've always needed and wanted but never had. I have to mourn this fact, the fact that she doesn't love me, that she doesn't even know what love is and that I cannot get from her what I need, ever. Then I have to give myself what I didn't get. She is expecting me to giver her the emotional and psychological care and love she never gave me. That is impossible. At least for me. I can't be her mom and I won't.

I don't know how to communicate this to her in an understandable and compassionate way. I don't want her to commit suicide. She has made a couple of unsuccessfull attempts, the most recent one in May.

I have blocked her phone number after a fight and I don't want to pretend that everything is ok yet another Christmas.

I don't know how long I'll stay NC, maybe it will be temporary, maybe as long as I live. I'm prepared to go to the police and ask for a restraining order if she doesn't respect my boundaries. She has threatened to kill me all my life and has said that she wishes she had never given birth to me since I could understand language. I have too many negative feelings after understanding that she is mean to me because she thinks we have this unbreakable bond that cannot be broken. She is holding against me the "What will people think?"-mindset which she has inprinted in me since childhood. I don't care anymore what people will think. I'm sure she'll get plenty of compassion from others blaming me for everything. As she always does. Yes, I'm the scapegoat.

[Turkish]

I had to go through the "what do other people think?" When my ex left me.  Then later with my mother,  as her former neighbor cussed me out on the phone,  "I can't believe I'm [effing] hearing this! She's your mother!" This after listening to her tell me how much my mother had hurt her,  crying and all.  Two hour conversation. 

It's hard enough to deal with our feelings,  without dealing with those of others injecting guilt.  

NC is a temporary solution unless there is a agreed upon release,  even if it's one sided.  :)o you anticipate she contacting you?

[HappyChappy]

Hi Towanda,

Your mother has put you in a very difficult situation, it must be very hard for you. Firstly on the “What will people think.” Side, I went NC and that did hurt. But in time I realise, the only people my BPD could totally influence, were people I did not wish to spend time with. But to cure cancer, you must also cut out some healthy tissue sometime. What is more important, you mental health or what some people, you may never see again, think ?

But in the style of your  footer, you have a number of choices:

1)   You could have an announcement and explanation, but a BPD will probably make it confrontational, and would get very anxious. If your explanation lays any blame at their door they will refuse it, attack it. They want to hear a reason that is not their fault.

2)     Contact her again but then fade to grey. No sudden movements back away from the situation slowly. Do not formally announce NC, just drift towards it.

3)   You could drift to lower contact (LC) by slowly building stronger boundaries.

4)   You could use techniques on this forum, such as BIFF and SET, to avoid confrontation. Or medium chill, where you avoid rising to any of the provocations.

These are all valid options. But you need to consider you own mental health also. I fell extremely ill with C-PTSD, so had no option but to go NC suddenly. If I had more options, I would probably have faded to grey and stopped at LC or a level at which I could manage. I have since hooked back up, but my BPD hasn’t changed one iota, so will be LC.  The good news is, when I went NC I assumed it maybe for ever, but once I recovered I had a completely different outlook. So just plan for what you need right now. Best of luck, feel free to explore your options with on this forum. By the way, I love Banksy (your avatar) are you a fan ?
 

[momisborderline]

Hi.

I have finally understood that I never will get the mom I've always needed and wanted but never had. I have to mourn this fact, the fact that she doesn't love me, that she doesn't even know what love is and that I cannot get from her what I need, ever. Then I have to give myself what I didn't get. She is expecting me to giver her the emotional and psychological care and love she never gave me. That is impossible. At least for me. I can't be her mom and I won't.

I don't know how to communicate this to her in an understandable and compassionate way. I don't want her to commit suicide. She has made a couple of unsuccessfull attempts, the most recent one in May.

I have blocked her phone number after a fight and I don't want to pretend that everything is ok yet another Christmas.

I don't know how long I'll stay NC, maybe it will be temporary, maybe as long as I live. I'm prepared to go to the police and ask for a restraining order if she doesn't respect my boundaries. She has threatened to kill me all my life and has said that she wishes she had never given birth to me since I could understand language. I have too many negative feelings after understanding that she is mean to me because she thinks we have this unbreakable bond that cannot be broken. She is holding against me the "What will people think?"-mindset which she has inprinted in me since childhood. I don't care anymore what people will think. I'm sure she'll get plenty of compassion from others blaming me for everything. As she always does. Yes, I'm the scapegoat.

Hi Towanda, I'm not sure how helpful my experience of going NC with my UnBPDM is but for what it's worth, I basically did a slow fade to NC, and I didn't announce it to her. My mom and I live on opposite sides of the country so that made it much easier. Here was the method I used beginning at the end of August this year.

First step: I stopped talking to her by phone. When she called, I'd send her straight to voicemail. Then, when I was feeling strong enough, I'd listen to her voicemail and reply by text or email.

Second step: I stopped replying to emails with no explanation.

Third step: Blocked her cell phone number and emails from my cell phone. So now if she leaves me a voicemail, I don't get them. However, her emails do go to my spam folder. This is perfect as I don't have to check my spam folder until I'm feeling confident that I can handle it.

And that's where I'm at right now, at the end of August I stopped talking to her by phone and for a month we only communicated by email. At the end of September I blocked her from my phone and stopped replying to emails. She continues to send emails but the go to spam, her most recent email was last week, they come in a flurry, usually with some sort of emergency. The most recent emergency is that she is going to go to rehab for her alcoholism (this has happened several times before) and wants advice on what she should do with her dog while she's in rehab.

While it is really hard not to engage with her and answer these emails, I am much more at peace for going NC.

I don't have a plan as to when/if I will resume contact with her. I'm taking it one day at a time.

I hope this helps,and I wish you the best of luck with this difficult situation. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.