My Full Story

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I’ve written a lot on this board since my breakup.
What was real? What was real part 2... .

But due to wanting to avoid negative judgments, negative replies and to somewhat mask my identity in case my ex read the board, I changed one very large facet of my story... .

I see now that this was a mistake as the feedback I received was really amazing, supportive and helpful and I would like to explain my situation better.

What I wrote about in my 2 previous posts is all true except the fact I am married with 3 young children.

I feel this fact changes my situation quite dramatically of course.

So I have edited my two previous posts with my full story... .

I am married and have 3 small children. My wife is a great wife and a great Mum. I was not unhappy with her at all. However then I met my pwBPD... .

When I first met my her I fell in love straight away. That sounds crazy and childish. But She was exactly my type. She was funny, smart and extremely sexy and beautiful. She had a fiancé at the time who she said she wasn’t in love with anymore, I told her about my family from the very beginning. She listened intently about them and we really hit it off and we had sex in my car the first night and then met each other nearly everyday and night after. She said she felt she had fallen in love with me really quickly and I felt the same way. I felt like she was the woman I had been waiting for my whole life. Our relationship escalated very quickly.

The first red flag though was she wasn't breaking up with her fiancé. She said she wanted to be with me and I told her that she needed to tell him because it wasn't right, even though I was cheating on my wife. I know. But I had explained that I wasn’t going to leave my family and she said she wanted to be my mistress.
I found out that she had a boyfriend before me whom she was also cheating on her fiancé with. So for the next month I kept telling her to tell the fiancé about us. He lived in another state so was completely clueless. I had a feeling she was monkey branching with me and him. Finally at my insistence she broke up with him a month later... .

After the first 6 months we had an argument because she had promised to take the morning after pill and hadn’t and had got pregnant. she wanted to marry and have the baby, I didn’t want her to have a procedure at all but I explained that I would help her with the baby financially and when I could physically but I wouldn’t leave my family. Her parents intercepted and pressured her to have the procedure. Which was very traumatic for both of us. We went together and spent the next day crying together.
Soon after we continued sex but I was worried that she was going to get pregnant somehow. I felt so guilty to my family and this woman and at this time I seriously considered suicide because I felt I had destroyed this woman because she wanted the baby so badly and I couldn’t let her go especially after this and I felt a terrible guilt to my family.

I told her that we would have to try and be friends. Non sexual. She said I had thrown her and the baby away. She painted me black for a day but we became very close again very quickly.
She said she couldn’t live without me and would kill herself if I let her go... .so I stayed same as before but with no sex.

A few weeks later on my birthday, I decided I wanted to meet her to tell her that I had decided to leave my family for her but she didn’t meet me though and didn’t answer my phone calls. The next morning she said she was drinking with female coworkers but I had a really strong gut feeling that something wasn’t right. Slowly she trickle truthed me. She was drinking with girls but there was one guy there and they kissed but that was all. When I pushed for more information she went crazy calling me paranoid and a horrible person for trying to make her admit something she hadn’t done. My gut feeling wouldn't quit so I kept pushing for the truth, where she said she would kill herself if I asked any more questions... .Then I found out they had sex but he raped her on her friends couch when her friends were sleeping. Finally after a month of guy feelings and pushing for the truth I found out that there were no female friends at all and she met this guy as a date and it was consensual sex. She said it was a mistake and the guy only used her for a one night stand, so like a fool I took her back because at the time I knew she was suffering from depression because of the procedure.

Around the same time as all this drama was going on I see she is talking to a guy on her phone before she can delete it. Alarm bells are going off and my gut is doing Red Alert. Again I push for the truth, she tells me I'm crazy and horrible and then one month later after lots of fighting and trickle truth she admits that they had sex but it was really rape or so she says, even though she went to his house alone.
I really loved her so much and all the lies have really messed me up mentally and physically so I continue the relationship because she says she will kill herself if “I throw her away”.

She told me that she did these things with these guys because I had rejected her and she was trying to force herself to move on and lied about it because she realized she had made a terrible mistake and didn’t want to lose me.

I admitted Everything to my wife. She was supportive and said she wanted to keep me and she didn’t want to lose me. I didn’t want to lose my kids. So I stayed and kept the relationship with my gwBPD... .

Though at this time, I was push and pulling her a lot because of feelings of guilt to my family. We broke up often but she always begged me back and I always went back.

Fast forward to her birthday, I buy her a diamond bracelet. The next day I surprise her at her apartment, she tries to hide her phone. I see she is talking to another different guy. She tells me he is just a friend though and he lives in another country so it's just friendship. However, I find out they've been doing sexual talk. I forgive her and one month later she finally blocks and deletes him from her Facebook. She tells me that again because we argued she felt she had to find someone else because I had rejected her.
I had decided not to leave my family because I felt I couldn’t throw away my family for someone who would compulsively lie about really important things... .

I really love her a lot and things really start to improve in our relationship. She is being "open and honest" but I really still can't trust her at all. But I'm trying really hard because every time we fight or argue she threatens suicide because I've thrown her away... .

For about 6 months our relationship is great. Everything is perfect. I'm thinking about leaving g my family for her again. But I’ve become quite paranoid and jealous at this point and insist to check her phone when we are together.

I know it must have been very confusing for her because I was the one pushing and pulling, breaking up etc. she never once asked me to leave my family and said she was happy to just be a mistress forever because I made her happy. However, I felt bad about this and I told her that she couldn’t be my mistress anymore because it wasn’t fair to her. But we basically continued our relationship exactly the same way as before. Though we had sex less often, only once a week because I wasn’t worried she was going to get pregnant again because she said often that she wanted my baby... .


Fast forward to our 2 year anniversary and we have another big arguement because she receives a text from a guy, who I later learn is just an old friend from high school, she is really angry at me for acting like that on our 2 year anniversary date and we take time apart again to rethink our relationship…

A few days later my gut instinct starts to go crazy again. I ask her about it but she calls me crazy and paranoid again. We argue really bad for a long time. She says she hates me for not believing her. She self harms a lot. She goes on holiday with family a week later and the whole time my gut instinct is going haywire, I’m really depressed I don’t know what to do. I call her on the holiday and accuse her of talking to other guys on Facebook and lying about it. She ignores me for the rest of her holiday. When she comes back from the holiday there are 2 guys, both friends from the holiday destination on her Facebook. I ask her about this and she calls me a crazy paranoid stalker and self harms because I'm making her crazy with accusations... .By this time I’m really mentally depressed and wondering whether she is right. Maybe the first two times she lied and cheated have damaged me and made me paranoid…

Still my gut intuition is telling me something is seriously wrong because she is really cold after the holiday. Things get a little better and we try and patch things up. But thinking about her holiday, my gut instinct is still going even crazier and has never been wrong, so after a few drinks I contact one of the guys from her holiday and ask him why he is contacting my girlfriend. He says that he never did anything with her and he was just the coach driver on one of her tours, but if she has cheated before I should just move on because cheaters never change. She finds out because I admit to her what I've done and she goes crazy and says she never wants to see me again.

My gut instinct was wrong and I feel terrible and awful… I beg for forgiveness… we finally make up and I ask her to just tell me the truth because I love her. She denies ever even contacting the holiday guys and I believe her. We start to hang out again. Dating a little. She is really cold and distant and is always checking her phone or looking at her watch. I feel that because of my stupid paranoid behavior I've lost the love of my life.

But I still feel deep down that she has lied but she swears to god that she has been honest, so I really start to believe that I am going crazy and paranoid. She says she needs time to recover from what I've done to her. She says she loves me but is not in love with me anymore. I tell her I love her and that we can make it work.

At this point for the first time in our whole 2 year relationship, she gives me the ultimatum.
My family or her. She says if I choose her, I have to leave my family right away. I say I can’t do that. And I’ll need at least a year to prepare so I can keep my kids happy and have them understand the whole situation. She says that i haven’t chosen her so she has to move on.

One day she doesn't answer any of my emails so I go to her apartment to see her. In her room she tries to hide her phone and I see messages from the other guy from the holiday( the one I didn't contact because I thought he wasn't her type) aswell as many other texts from guys that she had previously sworn she never contacted before.

At this point I walk away and we have the final break up but I still I went back. Even though she admitted to sending sexual pictures and videos to those guys because she was lonely. Even though she had started a LDR with one of those guys. I still went back because I loved her and she faded me out and blocked me all over again. Silent treatment all over again... .I went back to her to try and win her back because I knew I hadn’t treated her right and was partly to blame for the situation. She says that she has to find a guy because I won’t leave my family and I’m having sex with my wife so why can’t she have sex with other guys... .
Which is painful for me but I have to have empathy for her... .

Over the next 3 months, she paints me black and then white. We meet and kiss but nothing more, as she says she will get hurt by having sex with me. She doesn’t want to only have half of me anymore. She is sick of competing with my family.
The replacement can give her 100% of his attention... .
I really understand her feeling but I miss her and we are doing LC. She told me she is in love with the replacement but still wants me and wants to be with me but I have to leave my family for her... .

I do love her and I do feel she is my soulmate but I also know that our problems weren’t all caused by the fact that I am married because I know she cheated on her previous boyfriends and all her previous relationships were very short and I was her first serious boyfriend. I know that if I left my family for her I would end up alone in the end with everyone hurt and hating me.

But I really can’t let her go and keep hoping that she will go back to the way she was before all the lies because that was the woman I really wanted a future with but I won’t be forced to leave my family just like that with no preparation at all.

But also now, I love my wife, but seemingly only as a friend? It’s difficult to fix things with her when I am so stuck on my ex... .

I know our relationship is poison for both of us and I know continuing will end up killing me probably but I can’t let her go and we are continuing doing LC until I can disengage completely. Because we lost a baby together, I don’t want to cut her off completely but I want to reach a stage where I can feel nothing romantic or sexual towards her and just be normal friends, if that’s even possible... .

Thank you very much for reading My story and any advice is much appreciated

[Lostinanother]

I’ve written a lot on this board since my breakup.
What was real? What was real part 2... .

But due to wanting to avoid negative judgments, negative replies and to somewhat mask my identity in case my ex read the board, I changed one very large facet of my story... .

I see now that this was a mistake as the feedback I received was really amazing, supportive and helpful and I would like to explain my situation better.

What I wrote about in my 2 previous posts is all true except the fact I am married with 3 young children.

I feel this fact changes my situation quite dramatically of course.

So I have edited my two previous posts with my full story... .

I am married and have 3 small children. My wife is a great wife and a great Mum. I was not unhappy with her at all. However then I met my pwBPD... .

When I first met my her I fell in love straight away. That sounds crazy and childish. But She was exactly my type. She was funny, smart and extremely sexy and beautiful. She had a fiancé at the time who she said she wasn’t in love with anymore, I told her about my family from the very beginning. She listened intently about them and we really hit it off and we had sex in my car the first night and then met each other nearly everyday and night after. She said she felt she had fallen in love with me really quickly and I felt the same way. I felt like she was the woman I had been waiting for my whole life. Our relationship escalated very quickly.

The first red flag though was she wasn't breaking up with her fiancé. She said she wanted to be with me and I told her that she needed to tell him because it wasn't right, even though I was cheating on my wife. I know. But I had explained that I wasn’t going to leave my family and she said she wanted to be my mistress.
I found out that she had a boyfriend before me whom she was also cheating on her fiancé with. So for the next month I kept telling her to tell the fiancé about us. He lived in another state so was completely clueless. I had a feeling she was monkey branching with me and him. Finally at my insistence she broke up with him a month later... .

After the first 6 months we had an argument because she had promised to take the morning after pill and hadn’t and had got pregnant. she wanted to marry and have the baby, I didn’t want her to have a procedure at all but I explained that I would help her with the baby financially and when I could physically but I wouldn’t leave my family. Her parents intercepted and pressured her to have the procedure. Which was very traumatic for both of us. We went together and spent the next day crying together.
Soon after we continued sex but I was worried that she was going to get pregnant somehow. I felt so guilty to my family and this woman and at this time I seriously considered suicide because I felt I had destroyed this woman because she wanted the baby so badly and I couldn’t let her go especially after this and I felt a terrible guilt to my family.

I told her that we would have to try and be friends. Non sexual. She said I had thrown her and the baby away. She painted me black for a day but we became very close again very quickly.
She said she couldn’t live without me and would kill herself if I let her go... .so I stayed same as before but with no sex.

A few weeks later on my birthday, I decided I wanted to meet her to tell her that I had decided to leave my family for her but she didn’t meet me though and didn’t answer my phone calls. The next morning she said she was drinking with female coworkers but I had a really strong gut feeling that something wasn’t right. Slowly she trickle truthed me. She was drinking with girls but there was one guy there and they kissed but that was all. When I pushed for more information she went crazy calling me paranoid and a horrible person for trying to make her admit something she hadn’t done. My gut feeling wouldn't quit so I kept pushing for the truth, where she said she would kill herself if I asked any more questions... .Then I found out they had sex but he raped her on her friends couch when her friends were sleeping. Finally after a month of guy feelings and pushing for the truth I found out that there were no female friends at all and she met this guy as a date and it was consensual sex. She said it was a mistake and the guy only used her for a one night stand, so like a fool I took her back because at the time I knew she was suffering from depression because of the procedure.

Around the same time as all this drama was going on I see she is talking to a guy on her phone before she can delete it. Alarm bells are going off and my gut is doing Red Alert. Again I push for the truth, she tells me I'm crazy and horrible and then one month later after lots of fighting and trickle truth she admits that they had sex but it was really rape or so she says, even though she went to his house alone.
I really loved her so much and all the lies have really messed me up mentally and physically so I continue the relationship because she says she will kill herself if “I throw her away”.

She told me that she did these things with these guys because I had rejected her and she was trying to force herself to move on and lied about it because she realized she had made a terrible mistake and didn’t want to lose me.

I admitted Everything to my wife. She was supportive and said she wanted to keep me and she didn’t want to lose me. I didn’t want to lose my kids. So I stayed and kept the relationship with my gwBPD... .

Though at this time, I was push and pulling her a lot because of feelings of guilt to my family. We broke up often but she always begged me back and I always went back.

Fast forward to her birthday, I buy her a diamond bracelet. The next day I surprise her at her apartment, she tries to hide her phone. I see she is talking to another different guy. She tells me he is just a friend though and he lives in another country so it's just friendship. However, I find out they've been doing sexual talk. I forgive her and one month later she finally blocks and deletes him from her Facebook. She tells me that again because we argued she felt she had to find someone else because I had rejected her.
I had decided not to leave my family because I felt I couldn’t throw away my family for someone who would compulsively lie about really important things... .

I really love her a lot and things really start to improve in our relationship. She is being "open and honest" but I really still can't trust her at all. But I'm trying really hard because every time we fight or argue she threatens suicide because I've thrown her away... .

For about 6 months our relationship is great. Everything is perfect. I'm thinking about leaving g my family for her again. But I’ve become quite paranoid and jealous at this point and insist to check her phone when we are together.

I know it must have been very confusing for her because I was the one pushing and pulling, breaking up etc. she never once asked me to leave my family and said she was happy to just be a mistress forever because I made her happy. However, I felt bad about this and I told her that she couldn’t be my mistress anymore because it wasn’t fair to her. But we basically continued our relationship exactly the same way as before. Though we had sex less often, only once a week because I wasn’t worried she was going to get pregnant again because she said often that she wanted my baby... .


Fast forward to our 2 year anniversary and we have another big arguement because she receives a text from a guy, who I later learn is just an old friend from high school, she is really angry at me for acting like that on our 2 year anniversary date and we take time apart again to rethink our relationship…

A few days later my gut instinct starts to go crazy again. I ask her about it but she calls me crazy and paranoid again. We argue really bad for a long time. She says she hates me for not believing her. She self harms a lot. She goes on holiday with family a week later and the whole time my gut instinct is going haywire, I’m really depressed I don’t know what to do. I call her on the holiday and accuse her of talking to other guys on Facebook and lying about it. She ignores me for the rest of her holiday. When she comes back from the holiday there are 2 guys, both friends from the holiday destination on her Facebook. I ask her about this and she calls me a crazy paranoid stalker and self harms because I'm making her crazy with accusations... .By this time I’m really mentally depressed and wondering whether she is right. Maybe the first two times she lied and cheated have damaged me and made me paranoid…

Still my gut intuition is telling me something is seriously wrong because she is really cold after the holiday. Things get a little better and we try and patch things up. But thinking about her holiday, my gut instinct is still going even crazier and has never been wrong, so after a few drinks I contact one of the guys from her holiday and ask him why he is contacting my girlfriend. He says that he never did anything with her and he was just the coach driver on one of her tours, but if she has cheated before I should just move on because cheaters never change. She finds out because I admit to her what I've done and she goes crazy and says she never wants to see me again.

My gut instinct was wrong and I feel terrible and awful… I beg for forgiveness… we finally make up and I ask her to just tell me the truth because I love her. She denies ever even contacting the holiday guys and I believe her. We start to hang out again. Dating a little. She is really cold and distant and is always checking her phone or looking at her watch. I feel that because of my stupid paranoid behavior I've lost the love of my life.

But I still feel deep down that she has lied but she swears to god that she has been honest, so I really start to believe that I am going crazy and paranoid. She says she needs time to recover from what I've done to her. She says she loves me but is not in love with me anymore. I tell her I love her and that we can make it work.

At this point for the first time in our whole 2 year relationship, she gives me the ultimatum.
My family or her. She says if I choose her, I have to leave my family right away. I say I can’t do that. And I’ll need at least a year to prepare so I can keep my kids happy and have them understand the whole situation. She says that i haven’t chosen her so she has to move on.

One day she doesn't answer any of my emails so I go to her apartment to see her. In her room she tries to hide her phone and I see messages from the other guy from the holiday( the one I didn't contact because I thought he wasn't her type) aswell as many other texts from guys that she had previously sworn she never contacted before.

At this point I walk away and we have the final break up but I still I went back. Even though she admitted to sending sexual pictures and videos to those guys because she was lonely. Even though she had started a LDR with one of those guys. I still went back because I loved her and she faded me out and blocked me all over again. Silent treatment all over again... .I went back to her to try and win her back because I knew I hadn’t treated her right and was partly to blame for the situation. She says that she has to find a guy because I won’t leave my family and I’m having sex with my wife so why can’t she have sex with other guys... .
Which is painful for me but I have to have empathy for her... .

Over the next 3 months, she paints me black and then white. We meet and kiss but nothing more, as she says she will get hurt by having sex with me. She doesn’t want to only have half of me anymore. She is sick of competing with my family.
The replacement can give her 100% of his attention... .
I really understand her feeling but I miss her and we are doing LC. She told me she is in love with the replacement but still wants me and wants to be with me but I have to leave my family for her... .

I do love her and I do feel she is my soulmate but I also know that our problems weren’t all caused by the fact that I am married because I know she cheated on her previous boyfriends and all her previous relationships were very short and I was her first serious boyfriend. I know that if I left my family for her I would end up alone in the end with everyone hurt and hating me.

But I really can’t let her go and keep hoping that she will go back to the way she was before all the lies because that was the woman I really wanted a future with but I won’t be forced to leave my family just like that with no preparation at all.

But also now, I love my wife, but seemingly only as a friend? It’s difficult to fix things with her when I am so stuck on my ex... .

I know our relationship is poison for both of us and I know continuing will end up killing me probably but I can’t let her go and we are continuing doing LC until I can disengage completely. Because we lost a baby together, I don’t want to cut her off completely but I want to reach a stage where I can feel nothing romantic or sexual towards her and just be normal friends, if that’s even possible... .

Thank you very much for reading My story and any advice is much appreciated

[Lostinanother]

I know a lot of you will read this and thinks it’s such a mess... .
I’m beginning to wonder if I’m the one with BPD because 2 of my sisters have been diagnosed with it... .and my exBPD has been the one to say that she thinks we are going around in circles and she wants to stop that... .Am I the one recycling like a BPD? I am the one who is always pulling her close and then pushing her away when I feel guilty to my family... .

Maybe a lot of you will feel disgust at my behavior... .
But I am really stuck in between two roads and in love with my BPD and can’t let her go (even though I know my relationship with her is a poisonous addiction for both of us and we both hurt and manipulate each other. Even though I know she is emotionally immature, unstable, dishonest and unempathetic ) and my happy family and my kids who I love more than life itself... .

ANY help or advice is greatly appreciated and really needed.

[Lostinanother]

So many reads and no advice or comment?
I guess no one wants to touch this with a barge pole... .

[evanescent]

I tried to read this last night. (But my 'edible' was starting to kick in.) It is a lot to process!

I'll take another stab at it this evening. Hopefully somebody else can chime in along the way.

[Enabler]

I read, I started typing, I deleted.

It seems to me that you have a huge burden of guilt on your shoulders. I you re-read the above I think you'll see all the answers to the questions you ask. You need to act on those answers.

We live in a very idealistic world where we're told we can run around and do what we feel all the time, act upon impulse and yes, this does remind me of the attitude of my uBPDw. To me, marriage is a journey of 2 INDIVIDUALS, we can never expect to maintain the intensity and passion of our first few years together, some lucky people do, most mellow and turn into a partnership. You are very lucky to have a tolerant wife who is your friend. She accepts you for who you are, warts and all, mistakes and all.

I am not suggesting you should stay in a situation that makes you unhappy, but it seems like you've identified that pwBPD does not make you happy on a consistent basis, she's unreliable and you're addicted to something there. Crack is probably fun, but if dabble too much, it will kill you!

Go home, be a good father, be a good husband.

[happendtome]

Have you thought that there is a great possibility that your wife is having an affair too with someone? Especially when she knows that you are cheating her.

[Lostinanother]

Have you thought that there is a great possibility that your wife is having an affair too with someone? Especially when she knows that you are cheating her.

Happenedtome,
Well that’s not really what i asked and is irrelevant to the case in hand. I don’t quite see the connection.

But to answer your question, I know 100% she isn’t and she wouldn’t.

[Lostinanother]

Enabler,
Thanks for the insightful feedback and I know what I wrote is almost a novella so I appreciate you reading it.

[once removed]

we are anonymous here. thats so that we can be honest when its hardest. if you want to recover, put honesty at the forefront of your recovery; be honest with yourself and with us. we dont judge, we meet people where they are.

you are not the first (or only current) member involved in an affair. affairs happen for many reasons. they often end in a stalemate with heartbreak on all sides.

Lostinanother, you need a game plan. youve been winging it. are you ready to do that?

are you seeing a therapist?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Lost,

I hear a lot of uncertainty about what you want in your words.  There has been a lot of indecision about whether to remain in or leave the marriage.  You must feel very torn and this is going to be very wearing on you.  I think that OR has a good point.  Some sense of clear direction would be helpful for you and sometimes when we are so caught up in a situation an outside perspective can be helpful.  That's why I'm glad you posted about this so openly.  Also I agree that if you don't have a therapist it would be a good idea to invest in yourself in this way.  It may help you to uncover what it is that causes you to run towards a destructive r/s and away from a stable one.

I'm really glad that you were open with your wife and from her response it seems she really loves you and wants what is best for your family.  It's clear from your post that you want that too.  Could it be that this woman touched upon something you felt was otherwise missing?  Is this something you could work on in the marriage?  If you want straight advice, keeping the ex in your life as a friend is not going to help you to achieve that.  Perhaps you could gradually reduce the contact down to allow yourself a little distance from things and give yourself some thinking time.  If you are no longer together, then stepping back a bit could be a healthy move to also see how she responds to you stating your needs right now.  A lot of pressure has been applied to you, from both yourself and your ex.  You could use a breather to evaluate where your priorities lie for your own well being, happiness and future.  Clear the FOG a little to process things.

Love and light x 

[In a bad way]

I'm not judging you and I do understand your pain... .But you are married with 3 kids... .I would love to be married with 3 kids.
I know everyone's situation is different.
I can't be alone in this.
It seems to me that you have given your ex BPD the run around, you didn't commit.
She was your bit on the side, she wanted more, you failed to give her that.

You said you are still sleeping with tour wife?
But you are not happy with your "mistress" as you put it sleeping with other people.
Cake and eat it?
We are supposed to be all honest with each other which we are and I commend you for your honesty, but reading your post you have seemed to be doing exactly what BPD do? So I am just being honest with you.
To be honest with you I have forgotten what I started out to say,I wish you well.

[Lostinanother]

I haven’t ever had a therapist.
Since joining this website I have thought about it.
I live in Korea but I have found an English therapist... .
I’m not sure. I really don’t know much about therapy.

Is therapy useful? Will therapy help me to disengage?
I’m kind of old school, get drunk and spill my guts to a barman... .

[Lostinanother]

In a bad way,

Thank you for your honest feedback.
I always told my exmistress that she could have other guys but I wanted her to be honest about if she was dating other guys, which she never was... .
And she was never just my bit on the side, I fell in love with her and we have shared trauma... .I can’t let her go. So I wasn’t just playing away from home.
I know I gave her the run around and that’s why I decided to finally be honest on this board, because I feel that my situation is exactly the same as others here barring the fact I am married with kids... .
I have started to wonder if I am BPD... .I realized that I have recycled 2 ex lovers in the past, sometimes a year after we broke up... .
But I have empathy. Is it possible to have empathy and still be BPD?

[evanescent]

Is it possible to have empathy and still be BPD?

YES!

I stayed with my uBPDw for fourteen years and could not have gone even a quarter that long if she weren't so empathetic. I love her as much today as I did when we married.

[Lostinanother]

I did a test online and it said I have “increased symptoms of BPD”
But I am self aware... .so I don’t know.

After we broke up and made friends later, my ex said my negative point was when we argued and broke up I would say terrible things to attack her... .
I know I do have a problem with anger... .

[Harley Quinn]

My diagnosed ex BPDbf was extremely self aware.  He took himself into treatment. 

The thing here is, many of us will have traits of one PD or another, possibly several, without meeting the diagnostic criteria.  Around 50% of partners of pwBPD do have a PD themselves.  If you have concerns about your own personal life and ways in which you feel it is impacted by your natural reactions to situations then I'd encourage you to seek help in assessing whether you meet criteria for your own peace of mind and to come up with a plan to address these issues.  Recognising things about ourselves that we may not like as much as others is a good starting point for growth. 

Looking at our own part in our r/s struggles too is a very healthy part of moving on from the breakup and working towards an emotionally healthier future.  Let's face it, emotionally healthy individuals would not last very long in a BPD r/s as they would spot the red flags and exit stage left, so we all have our own demons to face at some point.  What you mustn't do is minimise the other person's part in the demise of a r/s.  Each partner plays a part.  Keeping a balanced view, accepting what is ours to own is important, without taking on responsibility for things that don't belong to us. 

It's great that you're thinking about your role and if you feel that there are things that you can do differently going forwards I'd say that is a great place to put your focus.  We can all grow and learn from this experience when we reach the stage that we are ready.

Love and light x

[evanescent]

Introspection is a very positive and informative ability for all of us to have. If you believe that BPD (or at least traits) of your own are part of the issue, just knowing how that influences your own behavior with others is priceless. Being able to look at what gets under your skin and whether your own reaction to it is reasonable goes a long way toward mitigating problems.

In addition to my exBPDw, I have a good friend that was diagnosed years ago. I only learned of the diagnosis this last month, but I suspected something for years. It wasn't because of the typical rage or splitting behavior so often exhibited because I never saw any of that, but rather how she would tend to just pull back from situations that fueled her anxiety. She would appear to just shut down socially. I haven't discussed this with her directly, but I believe that is part of her attempt to regulate interactions better by giving herself the time and space she needs to work things out without throwing antagonistic behavior into the mix. She has continued with therapy over the years and she seems to have a clear understanding of it, and that has helped a lot with being able to live among the rest of the world who largely wouldn't or don't understand when the dis-regulation occurs.

More directly, knowing oneself provides terrific strength. None of us are without faults. Understanding what they are and how to get past them or at least work with them can be one of the most empowering things to our ability to function and move forward.

[Lost-love-mind]

The thing here is, many of us will have traits of one PD or another, possibly several, without meeting the diagnostic criteria.  Around 50% of partners of pwBPD do have a PD themselves.  If you have concerns about your own personal life and ways in which you feel it is impacted by your natural reactions to situations then I'd encourage you to seek help in assessing whether you meet criteria for your own peace of mind and to come up with a plan to address these issues.  Recognising things about ourselves that we may not like as much as others is a good starting point for growth. 

Looking at our own part in our r/s struggles too is a very healthy part of moving on from the breakup and working towards an emotionally healthier future.  Let's face it, emotionally healthy individuals would not last very long in a BPD r/s as they would spot the red flags and exit stage left, so we all have our own demons to face at some point.  What you mustn't do is minimise the other person's part in the demise of a r/s.  Each partner plays a part.  Keeping a balanced view, accepting what is ours to own is important, without taking on responsibility for things that don't belong to us. 

Great insight.
It wasn't till recently that I was diagnosed w/ BPD abandonment fears and using npd as a defensive mechanism from someone leaving me, that I realized my part in the r/s bu. 

Get help and get support. It's treated like any other illness.

I'm moving on and now working on ridding myself of the guilt I carry for past bad relationships. With the most important beyond the pwBPD, but my ex wife of 20+ years.

[Lostinanother]

As an update:

Me and BPDex had a small disagreement and she was basically trying to paint me black again, saying she never wants to hear or see me ever again and putting all of the blame on me, everything was my fault. I was trying to avoid it, tip toeing on egg shells and then I thought to hell with this and just painted her black and said all of the things that I needed to say. I burnt all the bridges and told her I was blocking her everywhere... .

The thing is if they are going to paint you black, there is nothing that you can do to avoid it.

So I went out strong.

I’m tired of all the FOG anyway.
Tired.
And I deserve better.

I know I’ve said and done the same things before but 3 months after break up I am now stronger to back up my words and it’s way too late to go back.

So to all the people thinking about recycling or breaking NC, I know you think you’re relationship with your BPD is different, ITS NOT.

I never should have broken NC after she painted me black the first time. I should have ghosted on her and now I wish I did.
Don’t do what I did.
Move on as soon as possible to save yourself the time and grief.