He moved on within a week. Please give me advice/support, I need it so baldly

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So the guy with BPD I was seeing off and on since August (with lots of pushing me away and ghosting me situations along the way, even told me he was in love with me then ghosted me) recently came back and told me that he wasn't ready for anything serious, but missed me. We agreed to hook up, but then he got uncomfortable about trying to not having feelings. We finally saw one another, and did hook up, and he said he wasn't ready for anything serious, but said he still had a lot of feelings for me and "just wanted to be together". The next day ended on a laughing, positive note.

Less than a week later he was in a relationship with someone else on Facebook. I called him asking what happened, and he told me he didn't owe me anything, that he was drunk when he said those things so doesn't remember, that I'm emotionally unstable for calling him. He said he decided that we were incompatible and that she makes him feel emotionally stable.

He also told me that he went on a date with her before we saw each other again, then didn't talk to her the weekend he saw me, then "went absolutely crazy for her". So this means he "went crazy" for her like two days after he saw me.

I don't understand how he can say all of these things about still having feelings for me and then completely ditch me for someone else. It makes me feel like I wasn't good enough.

[papayagirl]

So the guy with BPD I was seeing off and on since August (with lots of pushing me away and ghosting me situations along the way, even told me he was in love with me then ghosted me) recently came back and told me that he wasn't ready for anything serious, but missed me. We agreed to hook up, but then he got uncomfortable about trying to not having feelings. We finally saw one another, and did hook up, and he said he wasn't ready for anything serious, but said he still had a lot of feelings for me and "just wanted to be together". The next day ended on a laughing, positive note.

Less than a week later he was in a relationship with someone else on Facebook. I called him asking what happened, and he told me he didn't owe me anything, that he was drunk when he said those things so doesn't remember, that I'm emotionally unstable for calling him. He said he decided that we were incompatible and that she makes him feel emotionally stable.

He also told me that he went on a date with her before we saw each other again, then didn't talk to her the weekend he saw me, then "went absolutely crazy for her". So this means he "went crazy" for her like two days after he saw me.

I don't understand how he can say all of these things about still having feelings for me and then completely ditch me for someone else. It makes me feel like I wasn't good enough.

[lovenature]

Welcome papayagirl

Truth is you were probably too good for him: the more you accept and the closer you get through loving a PWBPD, the more they will hurt you and push you away.

PWBPD have psychological defenses such as projection, these defenses all boil down to them making up their own reality to fit their emotion of the moment (feelings=facts). They move on so quickly and seemingly easy because in their reality it has to be their ex's fault, they have to be the poor victim, otherwise the shame would be overwhelming and unbearable.

Keep reading and learning, education and 100% NC are the 2 keys to recovery.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi papayagirl,

I'd like to join lovenature in welcoming you.  Sorry to hear that you are struggling.  It's very difficult to wrap our heads around how things can develop so rapidly only to shift in such a dramatic way.  The mixed messages can be very confusing.  Was your ex diagnosed?  It sounds like you've taken a real confidence knock from this treatment and it's not surprising.  How long since the breakup?

A great article I can recommend to help you to put things into perspective and possibly answer some of your questions is this one on How a borderline relationship evolves.  It explained a lot to me when I was asking the same questions.  Once I understood more about what drives the behaviours we experience it allowed me to also see that none of it was actually about me.  This is not a reflection on you.  Your ex has deep rooted coping mechanisms which go back a long way and happen in response to his fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment.  A BPD r/s is a complex and emotionally demanding one for both parties.  I'd encourage you to learn all you can about the disorder, as this will help you to de personalise your experience somewhat. 

You're in the right place here.  All the members of this board can understand how it feels to go through what you are and the confusion that can arise at the sudden shift in behaviours.  Keep posting and reading.  We can help you through this.  It's painful, but things do get better, so hang in there.

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi papayagirl,



I’d like to join the others and welcome you to the forum  

I don't understand how he can say all of these things about still having feelings for me and then completely ditch me for someone else. It makes me feel like I wasn't good enough.

Rigid thought patterns and black and white thinking are BPD traits. A pwBPD can’t see the gray area in people, they don’t see you as integrated whole with both good and bad qualities.

Everyone on this board is not good enough. A pwBPD will alternate between viewing you as all good or all bad. If you’re split black, you could try your hardest to have them see your positive qualities. A pwBPD can’t control splitting we can ‘t control it either.

Don’t compare or measure your self worth with him or the person that he chased after. BPD is not personal to us, it’s something that he’s going at the time, learn to depersonalize it and écimé I different to the behaviours, you neither like it or hate it.

[papayagirl]

Thank you all.
I'm starting to do a little better, and really appreciate your words of encouragement. I realize I deserve much better treatment than this.
My next question is, what is the best thing to do when he comes back? I say this because he's recycled me at least five times now. So it's only a matter of time before he tries to do it again.

[Harley Quinn]

I realize I deserve much better treatment than this... .

... .what is the best thing to do when he comes back?

Recycles can only happen if we engage with them too.  It takes both parties to form a r/s.  So he can only recycle the r/s if you go along with it.  From what you say, it sounds like you are seeing that this isn't good for you and that you would like that pattern to stop.  Defining and maintaining your boundaries on yourself is a good way to start changing the response you have to him coming back.  The boundary is on you.  What you need to decide is what you are willing / not willing to participate in and stick with that, no matter what.  Honour your value of being treated well.  Remembering that often the idealisation will be laid on thick initially, only to turn to devaluing in time.

What are the circumstances surrounding his approaches to you usually after a split and how long are you normally broken up for?

Love and light x

[papayagirl]

Each time it is a little bit longer. At first, it was a day then a few days. Then it was about a week. Then it was a month and a half until this last time.

I can't understand why, but there is a part of me that still longs to be with him that I can't shake.

[ateu]

I have no advice, but I really feel with you.

I was with mine for three years and I finally broke up with him. One month later now I can see he has talked about moving in with his new girlfriend and getting a dog.

Seriously?

I broke up and yet I am the one who still struggle to move on really badly. I even start thinking I did a mistake to dump him, even though in some way I am convinced it was the right decision for me.

Sending you love and understanding!

[Mutt]

I can't understand why, but there is a part of me that still longs to be with him that I can't shake.

Many members here can relate with pinning for their expwBPD, this feeling fades when you detach from your expwBPD.