He or his wife didn't show up for divorce hearing. I emailed her to ask her which one of them it was.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm trying to move into the third stage of detachment. Its been one week since I've heard from him. Apparently he up and left the apartment he was renting, his landlord hasn't seen him or his car and has no idea where he went. I went back and read the emails he had sent me last week and they looked suicidal. It was his second suicide attempt in 2014 that actually brought me to this website.

Last night I looked up his court docket for his divorce and apparently either he or his wife didn't show up for a hearing. I emailed her to ask her which one of them it was but I haven't heard back from her. Apparently both of them have me blocked on iMessage.

Yesterday I was putting on my shoes that I accidentally left in his car and I found a box inside one of them, with the wedding ring he had bought while still married to his wife.

I don't feel anything anymore for this man, except shock. He totally rejected my friendship. I reread what it would take to reboot a relationship. He promised me that when he moved out here he would get into DBT and when I confronted him about that he said it wasn't a priority. I had forgotten that he had BPD because he kept throwing his autism in my face.

I was very clear with him that I didn't want to see him until he was divorced and if I did see him it was as friends. He moved close to my parish and came to my church a couple of times as well as visited me at my work before he took off.

I think the hardest thing for me to accept is that I have no control over him. The other thing is that I didn't like what he brought out in me. He definitely brought out my dark side. I found myself saying things to him that were not safe to say to him. He was not a trustworthy person and I still did not learn that after five years. I wanted him to be trustworthy, I wanted to believe in the way he presented himself to me despite him showing me time and again he could not be trusted and he lied.

He would say nasty things about his peers and when I tried to talk to him about troublesome coworkers I didn't feel safe. I felt exposed. Its good he's gone, its good he's not talking to me, but I wish I could've been the one to do it. He refused to stop calling me, texting me, coming around until he decided he was done and then he made me look like the bad person. I will admit I do resent that instead of being thankful he's finally gone. I didn't want him to disappear, I wanted him to give me some space, but he couldn't do that. I was content to see him at church, and actually I enjoyed that, but that wasn't enough for him.

I do feel angry, I feel like he took advantage of me and I know he did. There is a part of me that wants to retaliate and wants retribution but I know not only will that never happen, it would serve no purpose.

I hate feeling victimized.

[unicorn2014]

I'm trying to move into the third stage of detachment. Its been one week since I've heard from him. Apparently he up and left the apartment he was renting, his landlord hasn't seen him or his car and has no idea where he went. I went back and read the emails he had sent me last week and they looked suicidal. It was his second suicide attempt in 2014 that actually brought me to this website.

Last night I looked up his court docket for his divorce and apparently either he or his wife didn't show up for a hearing. I emailed her to ask her which one of them it was but I haven't heard back from her. Apparently both of them have me blocked on iMessage.

Yesterday I was putting on my shoes that I accidentally left in his car and I found a box inside one of them, with the wedding ring he had bought while still married to his wife.

I don't feel anything anymore for this man, except shock. He totally rejected my friendship. I reread what it would take to reboot a relationship. He promised me that when he moved out here he would get into DBT and when I confronted him about that he said it wasn't a priority. I had forgotten that he had BPD because he kept throwing his autism in my face.

I was very clear with him that I didn't want to see him until he was divorced and if I did see him it was as friends. He moved close to my parish and came to my church a couple of times as well as visited me at my work before he took off.

I think the hardest thing for me to accept is that I have no control over him. The other thing is that I didn't like what he brought out in me. He definitely brought out my dark side. I found myself saying things to him that were not safe to say to him. He was not a trustworthy person and I still did not learn that after five years. I wanted him to be trustworthy, I wanted to believe in the way he presented himself to me despite him showing me time and again he could not be trusted and he lied.

He would say nasty things about his peers and when I tried to talk to him about troublesome coworkers I didn't feel safe. I felt exposed. Its good he's gone, its good he's not talking to me, but I wish I could've been the one to do it. He refused to stop calling me, texting me, coming around until he decided he was done and then he made me look like the bad person. I will admit I do resent that instead of being thankful he's finally gone. I didn't want him to disappear, I wanted him to give me some space, but he couldn't do that. I was content to see him at church, and actually I enjoyed that, but that wasn't enough for him.

I do feel angry, I feel like he took advantage of me and I know he did. There is a part of me that wants to retaliate and wants retribution but I know not only will that never happen, it would serve no purpose.

I hate feeling victimized.

[Mutt]

Hi Unicorn2014,

I think the hardest thing for me to accept is that I have no control over him.

I can see how distressing that would feel when we don’t have control over a situation. It can cause a lot of anxiety and stress.

I just wanted to clear something up, what do you mean by no control over him? Do you mean that you have no control over the situation?

What are you struggling with?

I wanted him to be trustworthy, I wanted to believe in the way he presented himself to me despite him showing me time and again he could not be trusted and he lied.

You probably already know this this, if you couldn’t trust him or he brought out the worst in you, you want to look for someone with positive relationship skills, nobody is perfect but you want to find yourself in a relationship with healthy characteristics versus unhealthy ones.

Pointing back at the first quote, we only have control over two things. How we feel and how we act. We can’t change someone unless we’re in supportive role where the person wants to change and us actively working on themselves.

Its good he's gone, its good he's not talking to me, but I wish I could've been the one to do it.

Rejection can hurt a lot. I completely understand, you might see this differently down the road. Who left who may be less important, the pain that you feel now is real, you have to process that pain to see past it.

I do feel angry, I feel like he took advantage of me and I know he did. There is a part of me that wants to retaliate and wants retribution but I know not only will that never happen, it would serve no purpose.

I think it can serve a positive purpose. You can channel that energy differently, I’m just using my personal experience it might help you, it might not, it will likely help someone else. I worked a lot of those feelings out in the gym, I wanted to show my ex that she’ll regret losing me by become g the best version of myself physically, mentally and spiritually.

Another way of saying It I guess is use that energy towards rebuilding yourself by turning a negative into a positive. That is something that you have control over and he has no control over that.

[unicorn2014]

Hi Unicorn2014,



I can see how distressing that would feel when we don’t have control over a situation. It can cause a lot of anxiety and stress.

I just wanted to clear something up, what do you mean by no control over him? Do you mean that you have no control over the situation?

What are you struggling with?

Probably that I have no control over the situation. It makes me very angry despite my knowing that nothing can make me angry that he could go from harassing and stalking me to disappearing. Now I hear that his landlord is going to file an eviction notice. Its very frustrating.

Rejection can hurt a lot. I completely understand, you might see this differently down the road. Who left who may be less important, the pain that you feel now is real, you have to process that pain to see past it.

I think I miscommunicated. I don't feel angry that I was rejected, I'm happy that I was rejected, I'm angry that he got the last word in, that I went from having to prepare to file a restraining order on him to finding his fake wedding ring in my shoe. I don't feel pain, I feel anger, in fact I feel rage. I feel so utterly violated. He was able to carry on a fake marriage to me in his head while married to a very real woman in the very world. He didn't file for divorce until 5 years, 3 months and 2 days after he told me he would file for divorce from her. That's not anger from a fragile ego, that's anger from a very healthy ego. I will admit I also feel some justified resentment. I will also admit I have a desire for revenge. I don't do well with being hurt. I was hurt over 2 years ago when I found out he didn't file for divorce, but I'm over that hurt now, its boiled down to pure hatred. I know from DBT that hatred is a healthy emotion stemming from disgust which comes from our values being violated. I value honesty above all else, it is next to godliness for me. I will never forgive him. I know from my religious life that only God can forgive things like that, and that is the only thought that gives me peace.

Hi Unicorn2014,
I think it can serve a positive purpose. You can channel that energy differently, I’m just using my personal experience it might help you, it might not, it will likely help someone else. I worked a lot of those feelings out in the gym, I wanted to show my ex that she’ll regret losing me by become g the best version of myself physically, mentally and spiritually.

Its not that kind of anger. Its more of a feeling of violation, for me it requires more healing activities like prayer, hot baths, saunas. I got sick for the first time this year, and I believe his abandoning me once again had something to do with it. The ironic thing is that he promised me in the very beginning he would not abandon me. I no longer believe him, and I no longer care, but the fact that he even abandoned and devalued our friendship did hurt me.

Hi Unicorn2014,
Another way of saying It I guess is use that energy towards rebuilding yourself by turning a negative into a positive. That is something that you have control over and he has no control over that.

I'm trying to work on healing. That's all I can say.