Healing process

[Jami]

Hey,

it's been a while. After having a permanently open tab on bpdfamily for months, i felt the need to detach a little. My healing process has moved away from frantically focusing on the BPD issues, to begin focusing on my own.

I've read books, absorbed the web and listened to a few youtube "gurus" to investigate childhood trauma, attraction theories, codependency, the empath spectrum, C-PTSD and loads more. They've kept me company and have softly driven me to understand more about myself.

Today i feel like sharing my insights with you. I reached a milestone on my journey, and have begun taking responsibility for myself.

I came to the conclusion that i am an empathic introvert (didn't figure which kind, yet) who, as a consequence of childhood trauma and traumatic repetition compulsion, has developed C-PTSD. The symptoms of the latter can be quite similar to those of PD's like the ones discussed on here, which has definitely puzzled me into exploring the possibility that i might be affected by something more than mere empathy or trauma. I've discarded codependency, though not fully, because i identify with some of its traits. What came to light today is this:

I have been in search for a "Rescuer" for as long as i can remember. As a child i embodied him in my mostly absent father, with the onset of puberty in an idealised lover. The Rescuer always had the function to pull me out of my misery and feed me with that desperately needed love and acceptance i missed so much as a kid.

I would desire the Rescuer to show up whenever feeling particularly vulnerable and impotent. I would idealise him before even meeting him. In my adolescent fantasies he would save me from perils and be my hero, later on he would provide me with the adult support of a wise fellow. My inner state of need would cause me to accept pretty much whatever guy would present himself at my threshold. I would cling to him and enmesh myself in a tangle.

Mostly and paradoxically, the type of guys i would attract as a magnet in my state of hunger were insecure underachievers, those depressed or with substance abuse issues, troubled souls as myself. With them, my empathy jumped in quickly and reversed the roles: i became their rescuer, even if they didn't want one, at the same time longing for their devout love. Invariably, their incapacity to fulfil my unrealistic expectations led to disillusion and ultimately to what i can only define as a discard.

As i persevered on my frantic path, i more often than not hooked on severely manipulative persons with strong narcissistic traits or full-blown NPD. I got more and more injured in the process, and finally decided that something was clearly wrong with me. I lost trust in my ability to chose wisely and stayed clear from relationships for a few years. Until my BPD came along.

My BPD also appeared while i was subconsciously fantasising about a Rescuer. He embodied it all, from day -1. I was enmeshed from day 1, despite the fierce independency i had created for myself over those years of singleness. Hurt was unavoidable.

But this companion has brought along something else besides shredded glass and a bruised soul. He has pushed me to venture deeper into myself, to dissecate my past like an obsessed surgeon. Thanks to him, i met the little girl i once was, during an EMDR session in therapy. She sat there all those years, abandoned and hurt, filled with pain, anger and resentment. I understood that it is me who isolated her, because her emotions where simply too unbearable to face. Our meeting was so charged that i could only stand her for a few seconds, and had dissociative episodes for days afterwards. But it's a first step, and i am determined to meet her again.

The road ahead is surely steep, but i have this voice in me that says: you'll make it. This time you'll make it. You will free that little girl of her anguish and learn to see her, to love her, to accept her as she is.

And then you'll need no more Rescuer.

I guess that my final point would be that, beyond the glaring wounds that my BPD has left me to deal with, i ought to be grateful for his coming into my life. Without him, i would have kept going in relative blindness. He opened my eyes to my inner self. I start to learn how to stop blaming others for my misfortunes, and take true responsibility for my life.
I begin to see the dynamics that kept pulling me toward painful situations, and hope that i will manage to break them with my newly found awareness.

Love to you all,

Jami

[schwing]

Hi Jami,

I have been in search for a "Rescuer" for as long as i can remember. As a child i embodied him in my mostly absent father, with the onset of puberty in an idealised lover. The Rescuer always had the function to pull me out of my misery and feed me with that desperately needed love and acceptance i missed so much as a kid... .

As i persevered on my frantic path, i more often than not hooked on severely manipulative persons with strong narcissistic traits or full-blown NPD. I got more and more injured in the process, and finally decided that something was clearly wrong with me. I lost trust in my ability to chose wisely and stayed clear from relationships for a few years. Until my BPD came along.

I can identify with these two motivators.  I remember fantasizing in search for someone who would save me.  Except in my fantasy I would "save" them too.  We would "save" each other.  I think I identify more with codependency than you do.

I also found myself unconsciously drawn towards women who had BPD traits.  And the scary part was that I was drawn to them before I could even consciously identify their BPD qualities.  I always ended up having stronger feelings towards them.  In retrospect, I think BPD qualities were (1) familiar to me (even at an unconscious level), and so I was less inhibited in my attractions.  And (2) I think I unconsciously sought out such partners as a way to work through my buried dysfunction with my BPD mother.

But this companion has brought along something else besides shredded glass and a bruised soul. He has pushed me to venture deeper into myself, to dissecate my past like an obsessed surgeon. Thanks to him, i met the little girl i once was, during an EMDR session in therapy. She sat there all those years, abandoned and hurt, filled with pain, anger and resentment. I understood that it is me who isolated her, because her emotions where simply too unbearable to face. Our meeting was so charged that i could only stand her for a few seconds, and had dissociative episodes for days afterwards. But it's a first step, and i am determined to meet her again.

I remember when I first identified some of the qualities of my inner (wounded) child.  I felt as if that vulnerable part of myself did not trust me.  Or at least did not trust my ability to make choices that would benefit (much less heal) my inner child.  I remember feeling like I could not even reach my own emotions that I knew was in pain, but I couldn't reach the anger or sadness that I knew was inside of me.

It wasn't until I started demonstrating (to myself) that I was willing and able to make committed efforts towards giving myself the time to feel (instead of only when it was convenient) what was inside and by permitting myself to feel (without self-judgement), that I started to build a better rapport with myself.

In many ways, I had internalized the invalidating qualities of my parents.  And a big step for me (in my healing process) was to dismantle these dysfunctional dynamics I had with myself.

The road ahead is surely steep, but i have this voice in me that says: you'll make it. This time you'll make it. You will free that little girl of her anguish and learn to see her, to love her, to accept her as she is.

And then you'll need no more Rescuer.

Or you will become that which you need.  You will become the rescuer you need.  I would not trust anyone else to do a better job.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[MeandThee29]

This rang very true for me.

The counsellor I'm seeing now honed right in on that and has been working there for several weeks after getting me through some rough spots. Frankly it's agony, but it's helping. My childhood set me up even though I thought that I was over it. I was the black sheep in a family with a narcissistic mother. Then I married a high-functioning borderline who became low-functioning because of cascading medical problems and disability. I enabled him for years, making excuses because of his physical suffering. He began treating me with contempt because I "couldn't properly meet his needs," and we separated earlier in the year. He tried to commit suicide. We worked on the problems, but then he dropped all of that, and it got even worse. We separated again. There was talk of reconciliation and him seeing a counsellor early on, but the therapist we had both seen off-and-on for years said not to believe it. 

If we hadn't separated, I wouldn't have been able to go all the way back and see the full spectrum for what it is. Really something!

 

[Lucky Jim]

Without him, i would have kept going in relative blindness. He opened my eyes to my inner self. I start to learn how to stop blaming others for my misfortunes, and take true responsibility for my life.
I begin to see the dynamics that kept pulling me toward painful situations, and hope that i will manage to break them with my newly found awareness.

Hey Jami, You make a good point, which is that going through the crucible of a BPD r/s can lead to new growth on the other side of it.  I know myself so much better now after marriage to a pwBPD.  I listen to my gut feelings and strive to be authentic.  I'm in a new r/s with a kind and caring SO.  I'm getting back to who I am at the core, which is a good feeling after years of suffering in a loveless marriage to my BPDxW.

LuckyJim

[heartandwhole]

Jami,

Thank you for sharing this honest and inspiring post. I am glad that you are taking steps to embrace the little girl inside of you. That takes courage and lots of compassion. Keep going, and keep sharing with us. It helps us all to see progress and growth!

What really jumped out of your post for me is the idea that we become what we seek. You wanted a rescuer--->you found him---->the roles reversed, and you became his rescuer----> no one there for you.    But we keep putting energy into saving the other, don't we? I think it's because we hope that by rescuing our partners, they will then be able to "rescue" us in return. Unfortunately, the dynamic usually just sets up a rinse and repeat of our caretaking and our partner's "dependence."

Let's cut out the middle man: instead of saving others in order to feel loved and hopefully be rescued by them, we could just focus on ourselves and our needs directly. Like you are learning to do. Then, we don't need others to save us, and we don't have to save them in an effort to get our needs met. We are already present for ourselves. I think then we'll attract a different kind of partner, too.

heartandwhole

[Jami]

When reading all your comments i smile at how good it is to be back

What really jumped out of your post for me is the idea that we become what we seek. You wanted a rescuer--->you found him---->the roles reversed, and you became his rescuer----> no one there for you.  tongue  But we keep putting energy into saving the other, don't we? I think it's because we hope that by rescuing our partners, they will then be able to "rescue" us in return. Unfortunately, the dynamic usually just sets up a rinse and repeat of our caretaking and our partner's "dependence."

heartandwhole, this surely sounds true. Maybe it goes even further: we seek what we know because it is subconsciously reassuring (when coming from a dysfunctional upbringing ---> dysfunctional relationships). We basically manifest what we carry within in the outer world. AND it is much easier to focus on rescuing others than turning within and rescue ourselves.

Objectivity (outward perception) is easier to handle than subjectivity (inward perception). It has a measurable and tangible quality to it. Confronting objective problems, like those of a partner for instance, may give us a sensation of control and containment, besides feeding our innate desire to be helpful. When we turn within, on the contrary, we're easily submerged by emotions that are neither containable nor controllable. It's scary. Facing one's demons is always trickier than watching demons in, say, a horror movie. Self is the hardest path of all, though the most rewarding.

In fact i came to understand that there's no chance i will be able to enjoy a functional relationship without completing the next step of the "within" journey. That is, having the courage to meet that little wounded girl in my chest and begin a sincere healing work with her. My longing for a healthy relationship is actually providing me with the fuel to endure what MeandThee29 has described so well as pure agony. There are days when i wake up in anguish and feel so depleted that i would want to die. Others when i wake up just fine, hopeful, thrilled to be alive. It's utterly confusing, but i know that i have to go through it and try my best to tolerate all those puzzling states of mine.

LuckyJim, i sweetly envy and am happy for you you made it! By telling us about the peace you found you are giving us hope and trust in the outcome, which is much needed. Thank you!

I remember when I first identified some of the qualities of my inner (wounded) child.  I felt as if that vulnerable part of myself did not trust me.  Or at least did not trust my ability to make choices that would benefit (much less heal) my inner child.

schwing, many of your points really rang a bell with me, and i guess that i ought to reconsider my rejection of codependency. The above quote surprised me particularly, because i had a similar perception of my inner child. As i met her without barriers in therapy it was like observing a creature that isn't really part of myself, though i can feel her inside. That is why i still speak of her as "she". I could best describe my sense of her as an antagonist. A dark, scary, creepy creature. I pictured her sitting there in the dusky twilight of her cage, blazing with anger and resentment, ridden with guilt and shame, her pain having turned her into a monstrous being with childlike features. She had huge black eyes, black tangled hair, a pale face, a lean und underfed body. A bit Gollum-like. She truly, truly scared me. I felt as if her anger was the reason for which i keep "falling prey" to creepy humans. As if she wanted to make me finally face her through pushing me to confront her dark qualities, embedded in the partners i chose. I am aware that this sounds off, but it truly corresponds to my experience. And i have a fertile imagination 

Somehow i know that, after this first frightful meeting, she will slowly start to transform. I try to keep in contact with her, though for the time being i can only do so in homeopathic dosage. I try to talk to her and explain her that it will be all right, but that i need some time. I erected a boundary with my therapist and told her that i need the pace to be slower, she acknowledged it. And as the time goes by, i can feel that my little girl is already changing, that the fact that i am finally seeing her is already feeding her soul and softening her edges.

Yes, i will become my own Rescuer 

[so_overit]

You wanted a rescuer--->you found him---->the roles reversed, and you became his rescuer----> no one there for you.    But we keep putting energy into saving the other, don't we? I think it's because we hope that by rescuing our partners, they will then be able to "rescue" us in return.

Wow, that just defined my last 12 years in a few sentences! I think back to a therapist who told me (before meeting my husband), "You are a fixer, you want to fix things, and you pick men that need fixing. Except, it never quite works out how you picture it". I think you are spot on, I think I can fix them and then end up with a great relationship. Instead of finding someone who doesn't need fixing!

[Lucky Jim]

it is much easier to focus on rescuing others than turning within and rescue ourselves.

Great point, Jami.  Agree that care-taking/rescuing can be a way to avoid taking care of ourselves.  It's hard to look within.  Rescuing seems a way to postpone healing one's own wounds, or at least was for me.  On the surface, it seems noble to rescue another, yet when you go deeper it's actually unhealthy for both the rescuer and the person being rescued, because it fosters a dynamic based on dependency.  It doesn't lead to personal freedom and autonomy, in my view.

LuckyJim