I can't complain about her behavior without her having a meltdown and her going into dysregulation, possibly for weeks. Then she complains that I abuse her and she can't take the abuse anymore. This is why it is SO difficult to treat BPD. They just can't handle any criticism or complains against them. Not only that, but she reads into things I say and sees messages completely unrelated to what I actually said. I feel like I'm in an alternative universe when communicating with her.
I know how frustrating it is to try and address problems with a pwBPD. I'm a straight shooter and though I try to be very sensitive and uncritical, things I say and do get twisted around all the time.
And when you live with another person, or even interact with them, it's inevitable that conflicts will arise. We have to have a way to deal with disagreements without it leading to hostility. It's difficult to phrase things sometimes without it appearing as complaints or criticism. Though it's necessary to address problems, it becomes even more challenging not to trigger a pwBPD's shame when we have those inevitable conversations.
Then too, they often sense criticism or condemnation where it doesn't even exist in our minds.
This morning my husband was angry because I had moved a disassembled cardboard box from the kitchen counter to his place at the breakfast table after he had left for an errand. He stormed into my space, while I was online here--fortunately lots of windows open, and asked if I was being critical of him leaving the box in the kitchen.
I calmly told him that I was cleaning the counter and I wasn't sure if he was saving it so I didn't want to put it in the recycle bin without asking since it was raining and it would get ruined.
"OK, that makes sense," he said. (A rare time where JADEing actually worked.)
In the past, this would have resulted in a major blowup. But now I'm not emotionally triggered by his angry emotional state, so I don't add fuel to his fire.
The truth was that I was irritated that he left it on the counter, though I would say my irritation was now about a 1 on a 1 to 10 scale. But he needn't know that and I didn't need to express that either.
It seems the reality of living with a person with BPD is that it's like having a cut on your finger--for both parties. Everything you touch hurts. They're not likely to use a metaphorical bandaid to protect the wounded skin, so we need to do that for ourselves. When we're not hurting, we don't add to the conflict. And when they don't hurt as much, they don't lash out against us quite as often.
But it still remains that weird things trigger them. Like the box. In his mind, I was criticizing him for leaving it there and he created a whole internal drama for that thought.
I refused to play my part in the drama playing out in his head, so he had to let it go.
