balancing 1) "playing curling" for BPDw and 2) making her face reality

[anchor]

Dear all,
I find myself in a bit of a dilemma/balancing act: BPDw (refusing she has any problem) is currently not working, so her main daily routine is to get our two kids to and from kindergarten. Her family lives in another country, and mine lives quite far away as well. Which means that it's mainly friends that keep her "socially inserted". Fortunately she is very charismatic, but of course easily ends up feeling disappointed by her friends, which leads to her hiding like a snail in her shell. After I understood she has BPD symptoms, I have secretly explained things (without using the term BPD, just explaining her sensitivity, emotional insecurity etc., to explain that it's nothing personal) to a couple friends that I know she really appreciates, yet where misunderstandings/communication problems due to BPDw have led to cooling of the friendship. It has worked well for reconnecting those friendships. It in turn makes BPDw function better. Yet this "curling playing" obviously does not help her face her own issues/realise she has a problem.

Recently, in kindergarten, she has felt rejected by stares/comments by some staff members in the department of our daughter. In turn BPDw adopts a cold/rejecting body language towards them (which I think the people targeted are able to notice). I guess it can lead to a downward spiral of relations between her and the staff. There was a similar episode early in the autumn in the department of our son, when I did as for the friends: Talked to the staff member concerned, explained her sensitivity etc., after which the staff member turned things around and good relations with BPDw were re-established. 

But now that a similar situation is arising, I am wondering if perhaps it makes more sense to let BPDw face the consequences of her own interpretations/behaviour. After all, there is not much of a dangerous "social exclusion" mechanism triggered by being frosty with kindergarten staff (they are all great, with lots of love for our two kids).

Any thoughts?

And a final small question: I'd like to read Stop Walking On Egg-Shells, but even if I read it as an e-book there is a risk she will discover it (though we have two e-readers, so she does not systematically use "mine". I guess that would be very very bad, judging from how the book is presented. Does it mean I should show extreme care and only keep it in my office, and read it during lunch hours? Sounds absolutely paranoid, but my impression is that it may be very bad for BPDw prospects if she realises I have put a diagnosis on her?

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[Tattered Heart]

HI anchor,

Sorry to hear that your pwBPD is having such a hard time with relationships. It's difficult to watch them struggle and ruin friendships or being unable to get along with others.

I believe it's helpful to let our pwBPD work through their own consequences for their behavior. At the same time, it's important to also understand where those limitations fall too. One of the biggest differences between Supporting or Enabling our pwBPD lie between what they are able to do for themselves and what they actually cannot do due to the nature of BPD.

For instance, your wife is capable of having a friendly relationship with the kindergarten teacher and parents. She may be incapable of interpreting their behavior any differently than through the lens of rejection. So as the supporting H's your job in this scenario is not to go to these people to "fix" it for your wife, but instead to validate her feelings and ask her questions that can help lead her to the correct way to respond to these people. Does that make sense?

One of my favorite validating questions is: What would you like to happen? How can you try to make that happen?

Try giving it a practice here with some questions you can ask her that can validate and lead her?

[isilme]

does not help her face her own issues/realise she has a problem.

Telling her likely won't make her face it, either.  I have been exploring BPD for about 10 years with regard to my husband, and I have never stated that I think he fits a lot of the criteria.  It would not help, and would actually deteriorate much of the work we've done.  Therapy for BPD is hard to find - qualified professionals who can both identify AND help treat it are hard to find.  It's not really something you can prescribe things for, so a lot of mental health professionals seem to shy away from it.  pwBPD may also have depression, anxiety, insomnia - I use THOSE words with H, as he does not find them offensive, and can handle em saying, "we need to see what to do about your winter depression.  We can deal with your social anxiety by doing XYZ.  I made some herbal tea for your insomnia."  These labels and conditions don't trigger him as me saying "you have something terribly wrong and your actions are your fault because of it. 

Knowing the label "BPD" helps YOU.  It helps you know to come here, to know what books and lessons and tools may work best to address communication and daily coping with it. 

I have to agree that sometimes you just have to let them face the consequences of their actions.  We can try to buffer them from the world AND their own poor decision making and emotional turmoil, but we can't do it all, nor should we.  Part of the problem is that they never learned skills you and I have in greater abundance.  I can cope with a flat tire without it ruining my entire week.  H sometimes can't. 

You can't "fix" her relationship with the other people at the kindergarten.  The only issue I worry about, after seeing a lot of other posts about BPD mothers, is that she may insist on changing schools at some point after she paints this one black.  Tattered's advice about seeing how to gently encourage her to re-think her perceptions and feelings about the people at the school is something to try.

[anchor]

Thanks Tattered and isilme, that's good advice. The distinction supporting/enabling is crucial indeed. The challenge is that supporting questions don't come naturally when BPDw says "X did not treat me well", what comes naturally are validating statements ("I understand you felt bad when she said that.". Perhaps I could try questions like "How will you greet her tomorrow?" or "Is there smth you could do differently?" or "Have you asked Y (a friend with kids in same kindergarten) for advice?". Trouble is that BPDw thinks that there is one woman who doesn't like her because of dislike of foreigners/problems with understanding foreign accents, causing BPDw to "hit back" through body language, and BPDw thinks this one key woman then tells the other staff. This is a general tendency: when BPDw perceives someone as not being nice to her, she explains it with racism/xenophobia. Which of course is very difficult to refute. The ideal way out I guess is if there is someone else in BPDw's peer group (in this case, parents with kids in same kindergarten) who appears even more foreign (because of accent or physical features) and suggest to confer with them. But perhaps I am too rational about it?

Btw, what is your advice about where/when/how to read Stop Walking on Egg-Shells?
 

[Tattered Heart]

what comes naturally are validating statements ("I understand you felt bad when she said that.".

That's a great place to start. I always start with the validating statements.

Perhaps I could try questions like "How will you greet her tomorrow?" or "Is there smth you could do differently?" or "Have you asked Y (a friend with kids in same kindergarten) for advice?".

Those are great questions. I would use the "Could you do something differently" later in the conversation though. Too early and it could trigger her into thinking you are putting all the blame on her. Some other easier ones are "How did that make you feel? or "How did you react to her saying that?"

The purpose of the validating questions is two fold
1. It shows that you are truly interested in hearing what she has to say so she feels supported and listened to.
2. Since she now feels supported and listened to, she gets out of emotion mind and can start focusing on wisemind. I've found that often just a few questions gets my H actually thinking about his own irrational thinking. Other times his solutions are not really good solutions, but it does get him out of the emotion.

Trouble is that BPDw thinks that there is one woman who doesn't like her because of dislike of foreigners/problems with understanding foreign accents, causing BPDw to "hit back" through body language, and BPDw thinks this one key woman then tells the other staff.

Questions for her on this topic: How do you know she tells others? Have you heard her do it? Did someone tell you she did this?

  The ideal way out I guess is if there is someone else in BPDw's peer group (in this case, parents with kids in same kindergarten) who appears even more foreign (because of accent or physical features) and suggest to confer with them. But perhaps I am too rational about it?

This might help. It could get her to ask someone else's opinion on the situation. Or it could backfire and start triangulation with that other person and the perceived persecutor. At least if she sees that there is another person of a different ethnic background she may at least feel like there is someone "like her" so she can have a true peer.

Btw, what is your advice about where/when/how to read Stop Walking on Egg-Shells?
 

Reading in your office is a good idea if you can't read at home. Amazon has a kindle app that you can put right on your phone to read ebooks, but if you both have access to the same account, she could see the ebooks purchase.

I have not read Stop Walking on Egg Shells but if I were and he saw me reading it, I would say:

I know that when I withdraw when we have an argument it causes you to feel rejected and I don't want to feel like I don't care about you. I'm reading this book so that I can learn how to communicate better with you when we have conflict and be a better wife. (In the past when he has seen me reading similar type books I have said the same and he easily accepted this reasoning.)

[isilme]

Yes to the Kindle.  I found that even after I linked our accounts (buying the same books twice seemed really stupid), I could still control what from my library was shared.  I can read on my kindle, my phone, a web browser at work on break - and he's none the wiser.  Granted, I am an avid reader and my nose usually IS stuck in a book of some sort so it's not unusual.  If you don't read much at home, I'd cultivate a new habit with openly non-triggering e-books first. 

One more thing about responses regarding the people she finds difficult at the kindergarten - does she NEED to interact with them?  Can another question be "Is there any else/better who can help you so you can avoid a person who makes you uncomfortable? No one likes dealing with a difficult person or someone who makes them feel unwelcome." 

[anchor]

Thanks a lot Tattered and isilme for good advice, I'll try to practice :-)