Should I stay or go. Can I go?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've had an on again off again relationship with my BPD diagnosed boyfriend for a year and a half.  In the beginning I didn't really have a good understanding of the disorder but now I've read everything I can get my hands on and I'm starting to truly grasp that I am not going to emotionally thrive or even survive much longer in this relationship.  That despite my best intentions I can't help him, fix him or do anything to make his life better because only he can change his own behavior.  Yet, I can't seem to leave.  I think I want to and then the thought of abandoning him, proving his worst fears right and no longer having him in my life seems unimaginable.  I'm his FP and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that feels awesome.  It makes me feel worthy and special.  Except it can be gone in an instant.  A missed phone call, a misused word or something I don't have the first clue but he's splitting and giving me the silent treatment.   I really can't handle that.  It's the worst form of emotional abuse and every time it happens I completely break down and freak out.  It could be hours, could be days... .once it was 21 days.  During that time I try to convince myself that now is the time to move on, deal with the pain, and try to work on being a better stronger me.  A me that doesn't put up with this kind of emotional abuse on a consistent basis.  But... .he always come back, with the tears and the guilt and the sweet words.  My poor broken boy... .it's not his fault.  He can't help it.  I'm constantly anxious and on edge wondering where and when the next blow up is going to be or how long the current sweet loving period is going to last.   There is never any consistency, he admittedly concedes he can't be there for me emotionally because he can't see past his own problems.  I'm a hot mess myself suffering from anxiety, depression and low self esteem.  I feel trapped and unable to move forward so the cycle just continues to repeat.  I've wished many times he would just break up with me and mean it and never come back because I don't have the strength to leave him.   I feel like i'm addicted to him, the feelings I get from being his FP and when he's gone I physically feel ill like detoxing and all I want is for things to go back to "normal" so the pain will stop.  I'm obviously 50% of this problem as if I was emotionally healthy I would have walked away after the first crazy  fight or the second or the 99th.  All of my friends are fatigued beyond belief about hearing about this man/child and can't understand why I just don't leave.  Why don't I just leave?  I've left marriages, jobs, friendships... .I know I can because I've done it.  Why is it so impossible to break this hold he has over me.  I love him so much.  But can it truly be called love when it's only said in  words but never actions.  He loves to say he "loves me"  but I think he just loves to say the words, to have someone to say the words too.  I'm so overwhelmed and I don't know how to help myself.

[fiftyfifty]

I've had an on again off again relationship with my BPD diagnosed boyfriend for a year and a half.  In the beginning I didn't really have a good understanding of the disorder but now I've read everything I can get my hands on and I'm starting to truly grasp that I am not going to emotionally thrive or even survive much longer in this relationship.  That despite my best intentions I can't help him, fix him or do anything to make his life better because only he can change his own behavior.  Yet, I can't seem to leave.  I think I want to and then the thought of abandoning him, proving his worst fears right and no longer having him in my life seems unimaginable.  I'm his FP and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that feels awesome.  It makes me feel worthy and special.  Except it can be gone in an instant.  A missed phone call, a misused word or something I don't have the first clue but he's splitting and giving me the silent treatment.   I really can't handle that.  It's the worst form of emotional abuse and every time it happens I completely break down and freak out.  It could be hours, could be days... .once it was 21 days.  During that time I try to convince myself that now is the time to move on, deal with the pain, and try to work on being a better stronger me.  A me that doesn't put up with this kind of emotional abuse on a consistent basis.  But... .he always come back, with the tears and the guilt and the sweet words.  My poor broken boy... .it's not his fault.  He can't help it.  I'm constantly anxious and on edge wondering where and when the next blow up is going to be or how long the current sweet loving period is going to last.   There is never any consistency, he admittedly concedes he can't be there for me emotionally because he can't see past his own problems.  I'm a hot mess myself suffering from anxiety, depression and low self esteem.  I feel trapped and unable to move forward so the cycle just continues to repeat.  I've wished many times he would just break up with me and mean it and never come back because I don't have the strength to leave him.   I feel like i'm addicted to him, the feelings I get from being his FP and when he's gone I physically feel ill like detoxing and all I want is for things to go back to "normal" so the pain will stop.  I'm obviously 50% of this problem as if I was emotionally healthy I would have walked away after the first crazy  fight or the second or the 99th.  All of my friends are fatigued beyond belief about hearing about this man/child and can't understand why I just don't leave.  Why don't I just leave?  I've left marriages, jobs, friendships... .I know I can because I've done it.  Why is it so impossible to break this hold he has over me.  I love him so much.  But can it truly be called love when it's only said in  words but never actions.  He loves to say he "loves me"  but I think he just loves to say the words, to have someone to say the words too.  I'm so overwhelmed and I don't know how to help myself.

[Fie]

Hello Jasonsgirl   

Welcome !
I soo much understand what you mean, because I have been there myself.
I had broken up with the father of my daughter, and yet, in my next relationship (he was BPD/NPD) I didn't seem able to leave my partner.

In the end, I didn't recognize myself anymore. I had to leave, I was going under. I slowly, slowly rebuilt myself. It really felt like that.

After I had gotten myself together a bit, I started wondering why I let it come so far. And I found that the origin of it all was in my family of origin. I read 'walking on eggshells', and 'the borderline mother', etc. It all made sense. My mum indeed is BPD and my father has traits of NPD. It doesn't have to be like that for you ! But the roots of why we behave the way we do is I think in our childhood.

So, don't beat yourself up for not being able to leave. It's kind of normal. For me, I wanted to fix my partner and my relationship so I kind of could have the feeling that I had fixed my childhood, too. (although I didn't realize) Does that make sense to you ?

I also just didn't know what love was. The way I was 'loved' by him felt familiar (parents). Now I know that's not love, it was abusive control.

There is also a physical side to this ... .Certain hormones make that we 'cannot' leave... .except that we can. It just takes an enormous amount of effort. If you want to read about it, 'The journey from abandonment to healing' was revealing to me. It also made me feel less alone and abnormal. Apparently a lot of people were dealing with this !

There is hope. There is only one person you *should* take good care of... .that person is yourself.
Is it possible that in your childhood you were groomed into taking care of others / thinking about their feelings a lot and putting your own needs behind theirs.

On this site we talk a lot about FOG : fear / obligation / guilt :

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

You are not alone. A lot of people understand how you feel. I also do.