My Story-BPD/NPD DIL Cut Us Off

[Sadie17]

It's been over 8 years since all of the sadness started.  My DIL changed dramatically after the birth of her second child, who is now nine.  It all started out when she and family were visiting us and she and I took the two little ones to SeaWorld.  I thought we had always gotten along fine and was enjoying the visit.  However, when we were leaving and loading the strollers into the back of our minivan, I suddenly found myself reeling and on the ground.  She had slammed down the back door of our car on my head and knocked me out for about a minute.  There was no apology or offer to help me up, but she wanted to know if I'd like her to drive.  I thought it must be an accident and believed that until I went to see a psychologist after six years of escalating problems with DIL.  Within 20 minutes, he told me he thought I was dealing with a high functioning borderline and narcissist.

Over the years she has done everything possible to turn my son against me.  Whenever there was a family event or gathering, she would make up something I said or did, create a huge drama and then blame me.  I thought at first I must have done something to upset her and blamed myself.  My husband has consistently told me that I wasn't to blame, that DIL needed help.  She is an alcoholic and also takes anti-anxiety drugs.  This attack/apology went on for years.  

Recently it has gotten worse.  She has physically attacked my son, tried to physically attack me (my son held her back), police officers who were called by the neighbors because of all the screaming (they knew my son and did not arrest her), and has not allowed us to see our grandchildren for months.  His friends no longer come around because they have told us they cannot stand to be around her. She has no contact with her father and stepmother and only one of her nine brothers and sisters.  

My son and I had lunch a few days ago and he was a different person.  He told me I was responsible for all of their problems along with him, that he was weak and caused issues too.  He said he loved his wife, and he did not want his children to come from a broken home.  She has him believing that I am a narcissist and trying to destroy their marriage.   He said the only way we could see the kids was if I apologized (for what I don't know) to her and had to go through her to see them.   I was shocked and very saddened by his attack, but told him that I was no longer going to have any contact with his wife, even if it meant not seeing his children.  As we were leaving, he told me  he loved me and gave me a big hug.  I told him I loved him too.  

When I went home I told my husband about what happened.  He said that he believes our son is a victim of the Stockholm Syndrome.  I googled the syndrome in relation to BPD and was amazed -- textbook!  Apparently, this is fairly common in marriages where one person is a BPD.  I watched several videos on what to and not to do in these situations.  It has really helped to free me and made me realize the only fault I have is being his mother.  

I could go on and on with the terrible events that have happened over the years, but I don't want to relive them.  On thinking about he past, I realize my son has picked women who were "broken dolls," and mistakenly thought she was different.  At their engagement party, the host told me that though my future DIL had many good qualities, she had another side to her that was dark.  I asked him what he meant and he said you'll find out.  I thought he was saying that because he was friends with her ex.  I realize now what he was saying.

So here I am understanding the situation, unable to help in any way, unable to see our grandchildren and probably my son.  I realize now that he is the only one who can change things -- if he chooses -- and that it's his problem and not mine.  It's very sad but I'm not going to put myself in that situation again.  I'm 73 years old and it's all about self-preservation and enjoying my life with my husband.  I'm sure there are many who have experienced the same issue sadly.

[Turkish]

Hello Sadie17,

The physical attack on you was inexcusable,  criminal even.  We have had some other mothers-in-law join recently,  and I hope they chime in for support. 

It's good at the least that you have an open channel of communication with your son.  It's a blade of green grass at least.  As you say,  I wouldn't put yourself on an unsafe situation with her again.

After what you said, do you plan another meeting with your son?

Turkish

[Panda39]

Hi Sadie 17,

I wanted to join Turkish and welcome you to the BPD Family! 

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, it's got to be beyond painful 

For what it's worth I think you are doing the right thing focusing on you and your husband.  We can't make someone else do something they don't want to do, the only people we can truly change is ourselves.  As painful as it is right now living your life as best you can seems to me the wisest choice.  Your son will need to make his own decisions when he is ready.  Your job with him at this point is just what you've done, loving him and keeping the door open for him when he's ready to walk through it. 

You are not alone all of us here have someone with BPD or BPD traits in our lives we might come at those relationships from slightly different angles but we all "get it".

Know that you will find a listening ear and support here whenever you need it.  

Panda39

[Sadie17]

Thank you both for your kind words.  Right now I don't plan on having any contact with my son, other than when he initiates it.  It's just too painful.  As the only parent for half of my sons' lives -- my husband didn't have much contact and didn't pay child support -- we became very close.  I'm sure he feels badly, but is determined to make his marriage work, which is admirable and I wish it would if she got help.  I'm realizing now that they both need help as I think he suffers from the White Knight Syndrome.  His prior two serious girlfriends had the same issues as his wife. My other son and I get along fine and I have no negative issues with his wife or my husband's two sons' wives. 

I recently read and have been rereading "The Four Agreements" which has helped me.  Meditation has also been a big help. 

Again, thank you for your comments.   

[NannaM]

Hello Sadie,
That is a heartbreaking situation but unfortunately grandparental alienation, especially by a DiL is not uncommon. There is even a world wide group called Alienated Grandparents Anonymous which has meetings in many states. There are things they suggest you can do, such as opening a savings  account for the grandkids, writing cards and journaling for them to read when they get older. If you grovel to your DiL, I don't think it will help. I have virtually prostrated myself in front of my BPD daughter, made many abject apologies, and it didn't make any difference in our relationship. You know your son loves you, and has with sadness made a difficult choice to stick with his wife.
Your gift to him, to your grandchildren and yourself can be to live your best life, always with the door open. Virtual hugs to you. NannaM

[Sadie17]

Dear NannaM:

I was in tears as I read your reply as what happened to you has also happened to me.  Last night I woke up about two and couldn't get this whole situation out of my mind.  I finally cried, especially for the loss of my son and my grandchildren, and then went back to sleep about three hours later.  Sometimes the sadness is overwhelming, as I'm sure you know.  We do send them money for college every birthday and Christmas.  In our trust we have left them more than enough to go to college or put a good down payment on a home.  I think the hardest thing is to stop thinking about the issue.  I'm taking an oil painting class in which I don't think about anything but what I'm doing.  The same thing happens when I'm "in the now," so to speak.  I guess grieving just takes time, although it's been a very long time.

You are so right, there are many MILs who have this problem with DILs.  But again, my son seems to be attracted to NBD women.  So... .I will get on with my life and know that over time that the pain will lessen -- I hope.  I send virtual hugs back to you NannaM.
Sadie17

[Notwendy]

Sadie,

I see this recurrent story on this board. However, I don't see many people return to report their progress but a few have and they have said- it is hearbreakingly sad but move on with your life and live your life well.

I read these posts to help me understand how my father could have done that- discarded his relationship with the people in his life who loved him- his parents, his family, and eventually me- his grown daughter as my mother perceived them as threats or someone she could be a victim of.  :)ad was a rescuer/enabler and stepped to rescue her. I also used the Stockholm syndrome description of how he seemed to obey her even when she was abusive to him. Some of the things he said to me sounded just like my BPD mother as if she wrote the script or they were the same person. He also believed her lies about me and others. She read the emails I sent him. Even shared an email address with him. If I called him she picked up the extension to listen- and then he would abruptly hang up.

I took this personally and grieved when he died. But now I realize his choice was was about him as well as my mother. I once saw him as her victim, but he chose to go along with her. It wasn't about me- I am a daughter he could be proud of. His parents were good parents and his siblings loved him. It wasn't about them at all.

These lost relationships are something hard to get over- I don't think we really do get over them. A parent-child bond is special- both ways. I think it is good to leave the door open for him to come to you if he wishes but to not push yourself into his life. I applaud your attempts to be happy and live your life. Your unhappiness won't make him change, so investing in yourself and your best life makes sense.

[auspicium]

Thank you, so much, for posting this.  I just joined this group for very similar reasons to your situation. 

[Sadie17]

Your advice is well taken, Notwendy, but as you know it is hard sometimes.  Your words about my unhappiness won't make him change, so investing in my own life makes sense.  You definitely have been through some hard times and I applaud you as it must have been devastating growing up in such a sad and difficult situation.  I have seen the same situation with my two sisters who allowed abuse and neglect by their husbands not only of themselves but of their children.  Why they stayed with these sick people I don't know.  Years ago I was a television news reporter and covered the courts.  It was amazing to me to see women support the men who severely abused or murdered their children when they testified in court.     

Welcome auspicium.  I hope you benefit from the many people on this site who have successfully navigated this issue and are so helpful and loving.

[auspicium]

Thanks for the kindness Sadie17 and Notwendy.   

[Notwendy]

It is hard. I don't think it is something we get over but hopefully learn to cope with over time. I don't understand allowing someone to break such important relationships. It doesn't make sense to me.

[Sadie17]

It's been several weeks since I last posted and so much has happened -- sadly, none of it good.  My son has ignored and not responded to simple phone calls and email or texts.  I had decided not to have any further contact with him until he made an opening.  About a week and a half ago, I had a CT with contrast to see if I had hernias.  The result was not hernias, but a tumor on my pancreas.  Two days later, the results of a mammogram and ultrasound showed I also have a suspicious area on my left breast that is requiring a biopsy, which will be done Friday.  Today I have surgery to remove the tumor -- it's endoscopic and lasts 3 to 4 hours.  As most of you know, pancreatic cancer is not a diagnosis anyone would want.  I hope to find out the results so I can be as proactive as possible. 

Yesterday was my son's birthday.  Earlier in the week,I had emailed and called him with the information above.  I sent him a birthday card, both to his home and via email, in case he was traveling.  Last night he called in a rage, yelling at me that I had not called him on his birthday.  I told him he had not called me re: my surgery and was very hurt.  He sounded just like his wife.  He was screaming that I'm all about me, that I didn't respect his family and his wife, -- it went on and on for a couple of minutes.  I hung up on him.  I know he called from the car and that she was with him.  It sounded like he had flipped into another personality.  I think he has really bought into her insanity.  It's beyond hurtful that he ignored me during the week leading up to today and then calls and yells at me the night before.

Is this typical of people who are married to narcissistic high functioning borderlines?  I know I cannot help him as he is now convinced that I am the enemy.  I cannot imagine what my grandchildren, age 12 and 9, must think.  So very sad.

[Panda39]

Hi Sadie,

I'm sorry to hear the news about your health and even more sorry that your son was not able to be supportive. I hope that you will focus on your health, self-care is going to be really important going forward. 

Panda39

[No-One]

Sadie17:
 

I also have a suspicious area on my left breast that is requiring a biopsy, which will be done Friday.  Today I have surgery to remove the tumor -- it's endoscopic and lasts 3 to 4 hours.  As most of you know, pancreatic cancer is not a diagnosis anyone would want.  I hope to find out the results so I can be as proactive as possible.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with scary health issues.  Panda39's advice is good - focus on yourself right now and do your best to minimize stress.

Let us know how things go. 

[auspicium]

So sorry about your health issues and hope you find your way to wellness.  I stopped telling my son and DIL about any of my health issues years ago, when I realized that their responses or lack of, were more stressful to me, than dealing with the issues with the support of friends.  They somehow, co-opted my issues to become theirs, if that makes any sense.  I don't know if that is an option for you or something to consider.  I have learned that my expected reactions/responses to my situations are not and never will be theirs.  Knowing this is comforting in a way.  Letting go of what I can't control saves me some energy for those things I can control.  Again, please do what you need to do to take care of you.

[Pilpel]

Sadie, I'm also sorry to hear about your recent health concerns.  That must be so stressful and scary, on top of everything else!  I hope there is nothing further concerning after the tumors are removed.

Reading your first post, I really admire that you stepped back from getting involved with your son and DIL.  I think in a lot of cases, that's really all you can do.  Trying to get involved and "help" often only makes things worse, and makes you miserable and makes you part of your DIL's misery.  And, in my experience, it just makes you available to be the DIL and son's scapegoat.  My jaw dropped at your description of your DIL slamming the door on your head and then acting like nothing happened!  And that she has a history of acting physically violent!  The combination of N/BPD and a lack of physical boundaries is very troubling.   

I'm also dealing with a n/BPD in law, too.  Fortunately she doesn't cross physical boundaries like your dil.  I think it's interesting that your son seemed to be attracted to that type.  I see that with my brother, too.  I think if had not met her, he would have just ended up with someone very similar to her.   

[LifeinOZ]

Sady17
I'm so sorry to hear all of this. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. My stepdaughter "dumped" us over a month ago and I'm just like you - I cannot imagine what my grandchildren think or know about our absence in their lives. We were so involved and even with the 100+ miles between us, we saw them 2 or 3 times a month!

Through therapy, the one thing my husband and I have learned is to focus on what we have - not what we don't. AND to take care of our health. You must make this your priority. Take care of your health - it sounds as though you have some challenges in front of you - do everything the doctors say, eat right, exercise, meditate, pray, whatever brings you peace. Find things to do with your husband that brings you joy. There is so much life to be lived. Enjoy it.

come here often. This board is full of people with nothing but love to give! It's amazing how good it feels just to have a place to go where people "get it" and understand. I have a wonderful group of friends and family who are very supportive, but they truly don't know how difficult it is to lose a daughter and grandchildren like this.

I'm thinking of you and will check back often!