Adult BPD child still needs our support

[Love my BPD son]

I'm new here - have a 26 year old son with BPD. He is intelligent, college educated and we love him dearly, but he can't seem to manage his life successfully. He has already been in jail and has another trial pending. He is unable to get a job due to his legal issues. So we are supporting him. It is discouraging. Anyone have any helpful ideas for us?
Another question is - are there other adoptive parents of BPDs out there? I think being adopted must be an issue. It doesn't really seem to be addressed very much. Any thoughts on that?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

I'm an adoptive kid of a single mother with BPD (which I didn't find out until I was in my 40s), so I may be kind of a reverse member in a way 

It's great that you are reaching out to others.



I was 2.4 when my mother adopted me,  an interracial adoption.  How old was your son even you adopted him?

When I was a kid,  we hung out with other adoptive families.  What I observed is that even in loving families,  some kids tended to act out often likely to issues revolving around identity.  A core trait of BPD is an unstable sense of self.  Attachment issues often have their genesis in early childhood.  

Another factor may be the family of origin  (FOO). My mother was Native American,  born on the reservation,  and tragically died some years after I was adopted due to drugs and alcohol, so it's possible genetic issues might be in play.  

How is your emotional relationship with him?

Turkish

[incadove]

Hi and welcome!   

I'd be curious as well as Turkish asked, how old was your son when he was adopted?  My dd's who joined our family as preteens had huge abandonment issues, its sort of a deep pain that never fully goes away.  From my understanding BPD emotions are very similar to what comes from abandonment (fear of rejection, capacity for closeness/intimacy/idealization but also devaluation).

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties your son is facing.  Can he volunteer if he is not able to work?  (schools may not allow him to volunteer if it was a felony, but other meaningful opportunities should be available, perhaps with animals?).  Being able to care for something else, in particular an abandoned animal, might help him feel some meaning and self-esteem.  Would he be interested in working towards being able to help others who have been in the justice system?  Prison rehab is a huge area.   You must have been proud of him to have made it through college in spite of his difficulties, I hope that is an achievement he can hold onto and build on in some way.  What was his major?

Thanks Turkish for adding perspective of having been an adoptive kid in that situation.  Would be interested to know what helped you deal with identity issues if you had them?

[mggt]

Not sure if this help but... .our d was also adopted and always had issues with being adopted till this day she still does.  She was just recently reunited with her birthmom and is thrilled .  We firmly believe this is a brain disorder due to biological parents.  Her birthparents both did drugs and alchahol and smoked pot and cigarettes .  When our d was born, cocaine was in her system meaning the birthmom had just done drugs  Some kids that are adopted never bothers them but like my therapist told me many years ago some kids never get over it and ours hasnt and never will   In her mind we stole her .  Not sure if my 2 cents help but god bless all of us