How to end it when she lives right down the road?

[heartofglass]

My widowed BPD mother lives in the same town as us. We have her only grandkids. We had the option to move away recently but decided to stay put for now, meaning she is in our life still. For a while things were calm because I know how to stay on her "good side". The kids love her so this makes them happy too.

With Thanksgiving approaching, a very triggering holiday for her, things have gotten ugly between us again. Something that will always bother me is I think her verbal and physical abuse led to my dad's early death last year. To further my pain about this, she got herself a boyfriend off the internet just four months after he died, after 40 years of marriage. This has always been hard for me to accept, but the other day in a heated discussion full of horrific gaslighting she said to me, "If it came down between choosing you and your family and my boyfriend, I'd choose him every time."

I don't think she's ever said anything so hurtful, in all my years of being hurt by her. This is a random guy she met just last year off the internet, after 40+ years of being married to my dad ----- and he now trumps both me and my husband and her grandkids.

I can't take the hurt anymore, it's slowly destroying me. I wish we did move away for my sanity, but we're better off here for now. The big problem is, I have her only grandkids and when I don't let her see them she tells everyone I'm a troublemaker not allowing the poor widow to her to see her grandchildren. (Yet she never wants to babysit or have them over without me there to help, funnily enough.) My kids also love their grandma, which makes this especially hard. We live in the same town. Is this the time to finally end it with her? How do I do this when we live so near?

I tried the "keep it civil" approach but these extremely painful blowups just keep happening no matter what, and they cause more stress than anyone needs in their life. Especially as a mom trying her best to raise two very young children with no other (sane) family nearby.

[Turkish]

I'll give you credit for staying in contact.  That's an unbelievably cruel thing to say to anyone,  much less your child. My mother told me when I was a kid,   twice I think,  "sometimes I wish I'd never adopted you!" At least she threw in the "sometimes." How much more could you hurt a child,  of any age?

One struggle is your kids who seem not to pick up on her dynamic.  How have past holidays gone?

[madeline7]

I also have an elderly widowed uBPDm living in the same town, and am desperately trying to make LC work. For me, having my Dad gone was the game changer. All at once, the buffer between me and her was gone, and the emotions that I had pushed down came bubbling up to the surface. She has said many cruel things to me, and my siblings say I am the cruel one if I set limits, because she is vulnerable now. When she said cruel things in the past, my Dad enabled her and I was told respect for a parent was a one way street. So it is a no win situation... .for me. For her it seems everyone is rushing to help a manipulative and mean spirited person. I started counseling, and reading the stories on this board. I no longer expect my siblings to be supportive of me, which has been extremely sad. I am working on lifting the layers of anger and resentment and facing the hurt and sadness underneath. I am working on making better choices with friendships and will make a career change this year to be in a better place. It is a struggle, and even though I know geographical distance would not take away the fundamental issue, the living in the same town thing makes me anxious. One thing I did accomplish was creating a family with love and laughter. I did not perpetuate the madness. My adult children are great and we have a close relationship where respect is a 2 way street.

[bright_future_mama]

I live in the same hometown with my borderline mother and narcissist father.  It is very hard.  I can't get away from it.  My sisters moved away.  I went no contact in February after my father told me not to attend his funeral and that I was unbalanced, meddlesome and found fault with everything.  Oh, and that I had an All American childhood.  Bahahaha!  He's a compulsive gambler and alcoholic and we grew up at casinos and dog tracks.  My mother was recently caught stealing at a store and has had two suicide attempts (more for attention).  Dad is married to his mistress that I walked in on after taking my mother to rehab.  She calls me all the time crying and tried to kill herself two years ago.

What makes it hard is that my sisters are getting together with my mother for Thanksgiving.  They will all play happy family until something triggers a meltdown.  My baby sister is now showing borderline tendencies.  She also doesn't work, is bulimic and smokes pot all day.  My other sister was the "all good" child and doesn't challenge my mother on anything (even paying back 50K in identity theft that my mother did to them in college).  She just pretends.  I won't pretend... .but it's hard not really having a family.  But it's even harder dealing with them.

I find that when I interact with them, I go backwards.  I get angry, short with my own family, depressed.   I know this, and yet I go back for more expecting a different outcome, which never happens. 

Prayers for you and your family.  Do whatever it takes boundary wise to keep your family healthy.  Nothing will change with her so you have to take care of YOU and YOURS.

[madeline7]

Bright future said it is hard not really having a family, but it is harder to deal with them. I feel like this describes how I often feel, like I am in a no win situation. Only recently have I realized that for me it is indeed harder when I am with them. Yet I still face the pull, especially around the holidays. Everything is just harder with a disordered family headed by a very disordered parent. Stay strong and take care of yourself.