6 month post divorce reflections...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey everyone,

Cliffs Notes of my story-
 -Total relationship timeline 4 years including 2.5 years married to uBPD/NPDw
 -Typical de-escalation of relationship ending with amazing manipulation, innumerable false claims, her with a lawyer working for free and my boys and I losing our home of 13+ years and over 1/2 the equity.

So since the divorce we have been NC and I don't really see that changing as she went so far off the deep end on the way out there is no way she could touch me with a ten foot pole after all the crazy accusations she made against me and we don't share any children.  In the beginning I really missed my home, my neighborhood and I still do, however I was glad to be away from her and her crazy making.  But now after time away it's funny how we are wired to remember the good things, I actually find myself with her in my dreams... .she actually apologizes... .we seem to be reconciling.  Then I wake up and have to remind myself of what really happened in our relationship, that if she ever did say anything to that affect it wouldn't be real, it would be said only to be self serving... .

I don't think I will ever understand what happened, some of it seems almost to be premeditated... .like she knew it would collapse and taking my home was part of the plan... .I mean does she really have something that can be diagnosed or is she just a sociopath?  And her artful manipulation of people... .so frightening... .and in the end it was all so crazy, did she convince herself that these things really happened or is it all part of the picture she was painting of me for other to see?  

Do any of you struggle with these types of questions and do you every wonder whether they ever think of you and miss you?  Or are they so damaged that they paint us so black that we can never come back to their minds like that, like some self protection mode to justify the things they did?

Thanks,

NS

[NewStart]

Hey everyone,

Cliffs Notes of my story-
 -Total relationship timeline 4 years including 2.5 years married to uBPD/NPDw
 -Typical de-escalation of relationship ending with amazing manipulation, innumerable false claims, her with a lawyer working for free and my boys and I losing our home of 13+ years and over 1/2 the equity.

So since the divorce we have been NC and I don't really see that changing as she went so far off the deep end on the way out there is no way she could touch me with a ten foot pole after all the crazy accusations she made against me and we don't share any children.  In the beginning I really missed my home, my neighborhood and I still do, however I was glad to be away from her and her crazy making.  But now after time away it's funny how we are wired to remember the good things, I actually find myself with her in my dreams... .she actually apologizes... .we seem to be reconciling.  Then I wake up and have to remind myself of what really happened in our relationship, that if she ever did say anything to that affect it wouldn't be real, it would be said only to be self serving... .

I don't think I will ever understand what happened, some of it seems almost to be premeditated... .like she knew it would collapse and taking my home was part of the plan... .I mean does she really have something that can be diagnosed or is she just a sociopath?  And her artful manipulation of people... .so frightening... .and in the end it was all so crazy, did she convince herself that these things really happened or is it all part of the picture she was painting of me for other to see?  

Do any of you struggle with these types of questions and do you every wonder whether they ever think of you and miss you?  Or are they so damaged that they paint us so black that we can never come back to their minds like that, like some self protection mode to justify the things they did?

Thanks,

NS

[Kelli Cornett]

I often find myself thinking the same thoughts... .

[blueblue12]

I find myself wondering as well, although I know that I could not go back. The demise was terrible, cold, detached. I was the bad guy, the monster. Then she came back... .I was the greatest love of her life, let’s get back together. I can’t trust anymore, the demise was too awful and I did not deserve that kind of treatment, no one does and I certainly would have never behaved in such a poor way against her. But sometimes I do have the dreams and think of her fondly. Whenever I get like that my T says “she did this and this and this and this to you, what is it that you are not getting here? He is right, unless the person changes 100% and you can trust that you will be safe, there is no turning back. Like my T says it will just happen again, after all she did it once!

[NewStart]

Raul,

Sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds like it was an ugly time... .but it sounds like you are through the other side as you are away from her.

I too need to remind me of all the things the my ex did, and when I really unfold it all it was all about control.  She was so good at me in and casting me away, then I made the mistake about mentioning her behaviors, telling her she was "gaslighting" and in her manipulation genius... .she started telling friends and neighbors these were  the behaviors I was exhibiting and using against her.  If I'm honest with myself I can see that every word and every action from the moment we met until the moment I left my house for the last time, every word and action from her was premeditated and for her benefit.

I found the article below last night and it rung soo very true for myself and my time with my uBPD/NPDw... .she was and is such a creep... .

Big question, do they even have the complicity to realize, to self reflect on their lies and deceit all used to hurt others?  Or are they so delusional they believe their behaviors are ok because they've painted us so black that we somehow deserve what we get, or are they even so delusional that they truly start to believe the lies they tell?

Down to the VERY end, we would be alone in the house in the evening and she would suddenly be nice to me, try to kiss me, draw me in... .then push me away... .I could see that it was all just to test her "power"... .she never meant anything by the words or actions... .her "emotions" are tools to use against others... .

https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2014/08/5-sneaky-things-narcissists-do-to-take-advantage-of-you/

NS

[blueblue12]

NS I had similar experiences. She told me she was done, but we were still living together and at times she was sweet and loving. By then she was completely in control, lots of power over me while I was trying to fix things, walking on eggshells all day long. This went on for months. Unbeknown to me she had started a new relationship. After we split up, a few months went by and then she was back! Pleading to see me to restart! Then at one stage she did say she didn’t really mean to hurt me. But she did and deeply. She was apologetic but if I questioned it, like when I said well you should examined your actions and the results that they entailed, she would get defensive and say “well you are being a bit judgemental.” You can’t really get through, not to the real stuff. Yes I am so glad to be away from all that. Hope you are doing well with your journey away from the turmoil as well. I never envisaged an ending like that. I had no clue about BPD, my T brought it up. I was there for the long haul, in hindsight she was really never there like that. I even question whether it was love, real love, or was my role there just as someone would look after her, to take care of her needs. Sad.

[LilMe]

  NewStart!

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling.  I am struggling similarly.  I was in a 10 year relationship and lost everything.  I am sure  now that he planned it from the start!   I am convinced that he actually believes his craziness.  He is a master manipulator, for sure.  I feel so stupid and naive!  I wish I could hate him, but I feel so sorry and sad for him.

We have been apart for 1 1/2 years, but sometimes it feels like yesterday.  We have children, so I have to deal with him regularly.  I feel pretty good sometimes, but I feel pretty bad sometimes too.  I miss my home, my 'good' husband, my life.  I remind myself that I have much to be grateful for and try to focus on that!  It is getting a little bit easier in time.  I try to stay busy.  I have longer periods of gratefulness than I did a year ago.  I actually feel happy sometimes!  Hang in there!

[NewStart]

Hi LilMe,

Sorry to hear about your situation, but I appreciate that you say that with time it gets easier!  I find I don't really ruminate about "her" per say, but I have had trouble ruminating about what I lost and she stole.  Do you have these problems? 

I have to be thankful my ex and I at least don't share children, however, my son and ex-step son are the same age so sometimes I hear information and it's hard.  This past weekend my son came home and told me he spoke to my ex-step son at a party and that he went on and on about the house she took from us.  Apparently she is having no problem spending the $100+ thousand in equity she took from us as I guess they have two new cars now, new furniture etc, etc, etc.  I found it hard to sleep the past couple of nights wondering if and how karma really works... .how does someone lie, cheat, manipulate and steal all while accusing someone else of doing just those things... .and they walk away as the hero with the spoils?  Apparently she's telling everyone the divorce cost her life savings and I got SO much money from her?  Are people that obtuse, do they not realize I owned the home for almost 13 years and she lived there only 2 1/2 years and now suddenly she owns my home, bought two new cars etc?

Sorry to vent everyone, but I struggle with the inequity of it all... .not only did I lose my home, but in the 4 short years with her I lost a HUGE chunk of who I was and was forced to distance myself from so many friends that I am finding it a longer road than I might have though to rebuild those... .and with the holidays upon us it only serves to shine a light I how narrow my once vast network of friends has become.

Here's to all of us making it though the holidays and finding some joy in it all.

NS