Being Ignored...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I haven't posted in a while. I still can't confirm my girlfriend has BPD, but here's my issue today.  She left me for 4 months.  I finally accepted it was over and started doing healthy things for myself.  Got a dog, went hiking a lot, and other things that got me functioning again.  Then she came back and I was hesitant.  I almost didn't  talk to her but finally did and we got back together.  Everything was perfect for two months which is longer than we've ever made it.  In the last few days she has been pointing out everything I don't do right and a few, I do admit I could have done better.  But others are crazy making and petty and she tells me I'm a child, don't use my head, that it's common sense and she shouldn't have to tell me how to do things, that I leave random things around my house (I left a broom and a baseboard I was working on in my back porch).  Just nit picking and I apologize, admit my wrongdoings, promise to be more thoughtful, promise to do things right but she keeps lecturing me.  Eventually I walked away from her because I felt so hurt and didn't want to get angry at her.  That made it worse and now she's gone.  She went back to her house, won't return my calls or texts.  We've been though this before and she always comes back like nothing happened.  In the past I felt devastated to the point I didn't go to work, didn't eat, lost weight, cried every day but today I feel drained and don't even have the energy to cry.  I came to work, I'm socializing, ate, haven't cried.  I did text her good morning and a few nice things then I ended saying I hope to hear from  her soon.  But Now, I guess the best thing to do is just leave her alone? It's painful as hell, I hate not knowing whether or not her and I are still in a relationship.  We are supposed to go on vacation in three weeks and I don't know whats up with that.  I took her to Hawaii a few weeks ago and we got in a huge fight.  She told me she bought a plane ticket and to take her to the airport. When I calmed down and said I'm sorry it's ending, suddenly she didn't have a plane ticket and we finished our trip together like nothing happened.  It's crazy making.  In all of this, she told me she thinks I have borderline personality disorder and got mad at me when I said I'm pretty sure I don't.

*What do you guys do when your partner disappears?
*How do you validate their experience when they do come back?
*have many of you been told you have BPD by your partner?

[Imsosad]

I haven't posted in a while. I still can't confirm my girlfriend has BPD, but here's my issue today.  She left me for 4 months.  I finally accepted it was over and started doing healthy things for myself.  Got a dog, went hiking a lot, and other things that got me functioning again.  Then she came back and I was hesitant.  I almost didn't  talk to her but finally did and we got back together.  Everything was perfect for two months which is longer than we've ever made it.  In the last few days she has been pointing out everything I don't do right and a few, I do admit I could have done better.  But others are crazy making and petty and she tells me I'm a child, don't use my head, that it's common sense and she shouldn't have to tell me how to do things, that I leave random things around my house (I left a broom and a baseboard I was working on in my back porch).  Just nit picking and I apologize, admit my wrongdoings, promise to be more thoughtful, promise to do things right but she keeps lecturing me.  Eventually I walked away from her because I felt so hurt and didn't want to get angry at her.  That made it worse and now she's gone.  She went back to her house, won't return my calls or texts.  We've been though this before and she always comes back like nothing happened.  In the past I felt devastated to the point I didn't go to work, didn't eat, lost weight, cried every day but today I feel drained and don't even have the energy to cry.  I came to work, I'm socializing, ate, haven't cried.  I did text her good morning and a few nice things then I ended saying I hope to hear from  her soon.  But Now, I guess the best thing to do is just leave her alone? It's painful as hell, I hate not knowing whether or not her and I are still in a relationship.  We are supposed to go on vacation in three weeks and I don't know whats up with that.  I took her to Hawaii a few weeks ago and we got in a huge fight.  She told me she bought a plane ticket and to take her to the airport. When I calmed down and said I'm sorry it's ending, suddenly she didn't have a plane ticket and we finished our trip together like nothing happened.  It's crazy making.  In all of this, she told me she thinks I have borderline personality disorder and got mad at me when I said I'm pretty sure I don't.

*What do you guys do when your partner disappears?
*How do you validate their experience when they do come back?
*have many of you been told you have BPD by your partner?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CycleBreaker123]

I haven't posted in a while. I still can't confirm my girlfriend has BPD, but here's my issue today.  She left me for 4 months.  I finally accepted it was over and started doing healthy things for myself.  Got a dog, went hiking a lot, and other things that got me functioning again.  Then she came back and I was hesitant.  I almost didn't  talk to her but finally did and we got back together.  Everything was perfect for two months which is longer than we've ever made it.  In the last few days she has been pointing out everything I don't do right and a few, I do admit I could have done better.  But others are crazy making and petty and she tells me I'm a child, don't use my head, that it's common sense and she shouldn't have to tell me how to do things, that I leave random things around my house (I left a broom and a baseboard I was working on in my back porch).  Just nit picking and I apologize, admit my wrongdoings, promise to be more thoughtful, promise to do things right but she keeps lecturing me.  Eventually I walked away from her because I felt so hurt and didn't want to get angry at her.  That made it worse and now she's gone.  She went back to her house, won't return my calls or texts.  We've been though this before and she always comes back like nothing happened.  In the past I felt devastated to the point I didn't go to work, didn't eat, lost weight, cried every day but today I feel drained and don't even have the energy to cry.  I came to work, I'm socializing, ate, haven't cried.  I did text her good morning and a few nice things then I ended saying I hope to hear from  her soon.  But Now, I guess the best thing to do is just leave her alone? It's painful as hell, I hate not knowing whether or not her and I are still in a relationship.  We are supposed to go on vacation in three weeks and I don't know whats up with that.  I took her to Hawaii a few weeks ago and we got in a huge fight.  She told me she bought a plane ticket and to take her to the airport. When I calmed down and said I'm sorry it's ending, suddenly she didn't have a plane ticket and we finished our trip together like nothing happened.  It's crazy making.  In all of this, she told me she thinks I have borderline personality disorder and got mad at me when I said I'm pretty sure I don't.

*What do you guys do when your partner disappears?
*How do you validate their experience when they do come back?
*have many of you been told you have BPD by your partner?

My friend does the silent rage thing, and it's totally maddening to the point of me deciding that I've had enough of it - then a month or so goes by and one of us contacts the other, and things are okay again for awhile, but the cycle just repeats over and over.   I've come to realize that it's up to me to let it go - she never will - nor will she ever change.   It's her way of controlling situations - doing an abrupt "I'm so mad I can't speak to you" will get her lots of attention, and she gets to decide when the jail sentence is over - basically whenever she feels like it.   Along the way I would scramble through all sorts of insincere apologies for slights so trivial that I get embarrased reading back through prior messages.   The silent/ignoring thing is SUCH bad behavior, and it gets so twisted around, that we are actually afraid to call them out on in - instead we often try apologizing for random things that actually we are not THAT sorry for.   What we all know is that becoming offended is a CHOICE - as is deciding that we are no longer offended - it's just all about control.   What's certainly true is that she will never behave differently - this is who she is - this is how she deals with conflict.   My problem is I sort of trained my friend that I won't go away when she does this kind of thing - and so now she's prone to go there even more often since she has no fear of loss.   I'm struggling trying to decide do I just leave, or tell her I'm leaving and why.   I think leaving quietly has more power and more meaning - but part of me is like "when do I get to say something about how badly she behaves?"    Yes, she totally projects her stuff onto me - I'm manipulative, I'm crazy, I'm disassociated, I'm mean --- etc.    When I've asked her to show me text messages where these qualities appear, she never responds.   Not even once.     

[Tattered Heart]

Hi imsosad,

I'm sorry that you haven't heard from your gf. Any update since you posted?

I don't have a lot of experience with ST, but everything I've read about it says to just let it run its course. Continue going about your life like normal and check in every few days with "Hey I miss you" or something like that.

This would be a good time to begin looking at your own response when/if she comes back. It would be a good idea to practice something to let her know that it is painful and hurtful when she disappears. I think using SET would be good for this. Using the SET model, could you practice something you could say to her here and we can help you with wording?

[pearlsw]

Hi Imsosad,

Any update on things?

I can relate to this. When you have a partner who turns the relationship off, but might return, it is a hard limbo to live in. Are we on or off? And why is it seemingly only up to them to decide this? This drove me nuts for a long, long time. The "coming back like nothing happened" part is very difficult too - as if only their pain matters. You have my sympathy!

What do I do when my partner disappears? That's a hard one. It's happened before we lived together and after. Before I had no idea what was wrong so it was confusing and heartbreaking. Now that we live together... .it is extremely scary because I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Quit my job? Leave the country? How? That's a big d**n deal. Now that I recognize his BPD traits I see it as an illness that has its own highs and lows and is unpredictable. I can do some things to stave it off, or reduce it, but it is not ever going away entirely.

Under my current circumstances I have been leaving a channel open so he knows it is safe to contact me and that I am not going to be angry or mean. I will always do that. The next time it happens though I am going to do more to focus on me and reducing my own dread, fear, and panic and try to find a way to hold onto normalcy as best I can.  It is exhausting to be drug back and forth in his extreme black and white world. He has given me feedback later that it helps him to hear from me when he is this angry. I feel like I am sort of laying out bread crumbs to help guide him back out of a dark forest. But, I don't know... .his mood swings are horrible to experience though.

How do I validate when he comes back? Well, I do acknowledge that his emotions are intense. Given that he does have valid reasons to be mad I can't dismiss him entirely, but it is hard. I try to acknowledge that is okay to be hurt and upset, and it is even okay to take some space if he likes, but he can't grind me entirely into dust. I have to have my humanity and not live in fear.

So she is trying to say it is you who has BPD?

[AskingWhy]

The "silent treatment" is a form of passive-aggressive abuse that is used my many people with PDs, including NPD and BPD.

It's an attempt to punish someone and an attempt to gain perceived loss of power.

pwBPD often feel that they have no control over certain aspects of their lives.  often  they were in situations, often in childhood, where they had no control over their environment.

My means of dealing with my uBPD/uNPD H is to let him sulk.  It does me no good to attempt to engage as this gives him the sense of power he craves and also the drama it perpetuates.

[Tattered Heart]

It can get better. It just takes ALOT of work. There are many success stories from members who put in the effort, committed to looking at their own behavior.