This is really weird...

[Shoct]

I fear I am running out of people to talk to about this situation, as it really makes no sense. I know, if someone were to be telling this to me I would be confused as well and not understand the issue.

Simply put: I dated a woman for less than two months and the break-up has been devastating and has really messed with my head.

What I know: while I didn't know it initially, she did tell me about in the second week of our relationship that she had PMDD. And, just last week she also told me she is BPD. Little did i realize how much these acronyms would absolutely run ravage through my life, happiness, and, unbelievably sanity.

Now, I don't think I actually think I am going crazy, but the unbelievable after effects of this are so hard to explain to anyone who has not been in this type of relationship.

If I may tell the story: I am in my mid-40s, employed, no kids, divorced for 5 years and before I met this lady I was fairly ok. Being single, tired of dating, and no kids I was lonely. I didn't want to admit it but i was--which I think is a key in all of this.

Early October I was contacted by an absolutely stunning woman. She is a model, ivy league educated, great job, great neighborhood, smart, funny, engaging, fashionable, 15 years younger than me and in literally every single way out of my league. But she began to send me direct messages through social media. She was very sweet, and very attentive, contacting me every day, multiple times. I knew she was seeing someone else, and she never was openly flirtatious, but if that was my girlfriend i would be a little curious. She was so out of my league I didn't allow myself to even consider that she was interested in me.

Without too many details, she contacted me to tell me that her boyfriend had beaten her up and she was working to get a restringing order against him. (side note: i have come to learn more about this past relationship that, had i fully comprehended would have sent me for the exit immediately)

She began to look to me for support. Me? I was pretty much a total stranger. But, being lonely and depressed, this beautiful woman contacting me was something that I was very open to. Soon, like within a week of being beaten up and all the court drama she said she wanted to meet me. I resisted, something seemed off. But she was so persistent, she had asked for my cell and had moved from social media to text. Next thing i know we are meeting. The second I saw her i was like 'this will be a fast date.' She was even more gorgeous than I could comprehend. But, oddly after we met for about an hour she wanted to move the date on, and we left the cafe... .and about 10 blocks later (live in big city) she reached out to hold my hand. Whaaaa?

It shocked me, but at the same time it was like something out of a dream. Not only did she apparently like me, she seemed to be such a sweet and affectionate lady--and a man suffering from deep loneliness and long term depression this was like lightning. She didn't relent in her pursuit after the first date and quickly made plans to come to my house 2 days later--and we had sex after she was over about 1 hour. CRAZY!

On our third date she told me she loved me. I was shocked. I was speechless. I KNEW it was too good to be true. But, i accepted it, despite not 100% believing it. Everything was just so amazing. So so amazing. Then the next week she completely disappeared on me. I tried to contact her, i was worried that something was wrong--beautiful young lady living alone in a big city. But a couple days later she contacted me. I was annoyed to be honest, she had yet to fully control me. And next thing I know she is calling me 'sweetheart', 'baby', and telling me she loved me again. And she told me that she had only loved two other people in her whole life. I could feel being drawn in.

The next week after several dates she texts me late in the evening about not wanting to be alive. I was shocked! She had scars on her wrist but denied trying suicide when i carefully asked (later on she admitted to attempting suicide), and convinced me that she was just wanting to be dead, not threatening suicide. It was all so much! Within like 3 weeks it was LOVE, then the vanishing, then back to love and then talk about wanting to be dead. My head was spinning.

There were more dates as the days went on. Two of them ended with her STORMING out of my house. I never had actually seen someone do that--literally storm out. The second time i just stood there staring at the scene in disbelief as to what i was witnessing. Each time she came back. I was the one who thought it was over, but soon again, strangely soon, she was back telling me i was the love her life.

That went on for about two weeks. Then, in the midst of planning our trip to NYC (the next day), she up and says that she doesn't want to see me anymore. Huh? Like one second talking about the Whitney Museum, and the next it was how awful i am, how bad i treat her and that she is done. I didn't hear from her for two days despite attempts to find out what the heck happened, when she wrote that she wanted to stop by my house for her jeans.

I asked if that was all she cared about--she told me she loved me and then said she never wanted to see me again, but was concerned about her jeans. Ugh. I told her no, that i would mail them to her, she said fine. She had (still has) my key and i asked her to mail it to me (never did).

The end, right? Ha! nope

The day after i mail them, as i said i was going to do, she emails me that she wants to come by for her jeans. Long story short she started talking to me again. She never explained or really apologized but suggested we go out to dinner later that week. I said yes, knowing i shouldn't. The days before dinner it almost seemed like we were going to get back together, but when i finally saw her at the dinner i did't even know who she was. She acted so cold, distant and just wanted to banter on about work, politics, the weather, etc.

This was supposed to be for us to talk about what happened and our relationship. Finally as we were finishing dinner i couldn't take it anymore and just asked what was going on, why she broke it off, and that she was acting like she had lost total interest. And as i was paying the $150 bill she was just like 'dunno, sorry', and then told me that if we got back to together, and i quote, i would have to "change every aspect of my life." Ouch. Not much hope there. So we leave and get in a Lyft to drop us off at our respective homes... .on the drive i was upset, quiet, and next thing i know she is holding my hand and resting her head on my shoulder and she told me she loved me but she is just confused. We texted a bit more that night and she said again she loved me but she is confused.

I have not heard from her since. I have been reading more about BPD (and PMDD) since last week as that was when she mentioned BPD and i have decided that I must break contact with her.

I am actually horrified. Not that she would do anything to me, but that she will contact me and i will fold.

I am not sure if anyone has read this far, but i am very troubled. It was less than two months and i cannot even begin to describe the amount of turmoil i feel. I feel so empty inside. I have read numerous places that a relationship with a BPD is like a drug, a high that is never as good as the first with wicked withdrawal symptoms when they frequently end the relationship. Only to start up again, then leave.

I have talked to friends and tried to tell them. But it was SUCH a short relationship they do not get why i am so messed up over it.

Has anyone else had such a short relationship be so traumatic?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Shoct and welcome  

So glad you found us.  It certainly can be hard to gain understanding from those who have not been affected by a BPD r/s, so you've come to the right place.  Regardless of the length of the r/s, the way a BPD r/s evolves is in stages, beginning with idealisation followed by devaluation and then discard.  Sometimes the discard is that behaviour becomes so bad that the 'non' disordered partner feels pushed to end the r/s.  Typically there is a lot of drama throughout the r/s and the suicidal ideation is probably the most difficult thing emotionally to deal with from my personal perspective.  I'm sorry that you've had this experience and are struggling with the breakup.  That's absolutely normal.  How do you feel about her right now?  If she were to make contact, would you want to give things another shot?

Love and light x

[Shoct]

Thank you so much for responding to my post, and thank you for your words.

That is the hardest part i am struggling with--what i would do if she tried to contact me again. I go back and forth. I truly know that I shouldn't, or I don't think I should, but my emotions are all over the map. I blocked her number, so I know she can't reach me via text/phone. But email and social media are avenues she could employ. As I wrote in my post, she still has my key and i wrote to her yesterday (a very formal email, polite, but direct, asking her to mail my key), but she has not responded to that email.

The last time she kind of disappeared felt different, I have a suspicion she already has set her sites on a new man. As she initiated contact with me while with her previous.

I was watching youtube vids about BPD relationships and I had this overwhelming feeling of guilty. Maybe I should reach out to her? Maybe i was too quick to cut ties?

I bought tickets to Star Wars tomorrow (she asked me to as she is a HUGE fan), and the closer the screen time gets the more i fret she will reach out. Earlier today a neighbor stopped by and knocked on my door--my heart stopped. Not out of fear of violence or anything like that, but fear of my reaction. So beautiful and charming, i don't know if I could resist her if she turned on the charm again.

Do you think going NC (as much as is possible now) is the right thing to do?

Thank you again for responding, and I am so glad I found this site and all the people writing in.

[Harley Quinn]

What I'd suggest at this point is to take a good look at the information available on this site.  It is founded in fact and doesn't contain a lot of the urban myths that can be found elsewhere online.  The articles are excellent.  I'd suggest starting with the Insights section on the top header menu and read what resonates with you.  Just be wary of watching/reading lots of stuff elsewhere that is highly emotionally charged as this is unlikely to be a stabilising force for you right now.  It's normal for your thoughts and feelings to be torn at this point and I'd say a good place to begin is by writing down these thoughts as they come up, so that you can try to sort through them a little.  It may help you to see a big picture form and allow you to decide what you truly want. 

There is help on this site for people in all stages of relationships, including support to improve communication with loved ones, so at this stage it would be good to give yourself a little thinking time about your position on this as she may well be back in touch.  It has not been long, and based on what you've said, this could be part of a pattern of behaviour which does not necessarily mean 'the end' to her.  After all, the last thing she said to you in person was that she loves you and is confused.  How did this make you feel? 

Love and light x

[risingup4]

Hi Shoct -

It looks like others are giving you sound advice. What I'll add is something I learned that might or might not apply to you - that I unconsciously attracted/kept dating a BPD in order to unravel issues in my own past. Once I figured out what those issues are, I no longer "needed" to sit in the abusive relationship the BPD was offering. I can now focus on healing those old wounds the BPD was so "helpful" in exposing for me - and to rise up and be the person I want to be, unencumbered by mother baggage. Six months out and I'm literally a different person - wiser for having found this family and learning to speak and to live my own truth - and I have her to thank for it.

That said, I certainly still do think about her with a little pang in my heart. As people on here and in the books point out: when they are on, they are ON. They can seem like wonderful people: charming, caring, putting you at the center, not to mention sexy and seductive. Sadly, those are usually just manipulative tactics to keep a non engaged. Keeping no contact with a Siren trying to draw us back to the rocky shores is one of the most courageous things a person can do.

So, one suggestion is to consider whether this relationship is here to teach you a lesson. If so, what's the lesson and how deep are you willing to go to learn it (and what risks are you willing to take)? Read this board long enough and you'll read stories of people whose lives have been all but destroyed. And maybe that's what it takes for some of us to find our way to our own Truth and healing. I believe that BPDs have an uncanny gift of helping to point us towards healing - though when you're sitting in the relationship it certainly feels like the opposite!

[Shoct]

Thanks Harley Quinn, this site has proven to be a great resource. I am normally not the type to read about relationships and the such--now, I am consuming like chocolate soup.

I actually found this site through borderlinewaif.com, I am not sure if that falls under the umbrella of helpful or not. But reading about others experiences in the comment section was comforting, however odd to comforted by such discomfort.

How did i feel when she said that... .? Well, at the very instance it happened it was like someone shot a drug into my arm. But that wore off almost immediately, as just earlier at dinner she was like a different person and was very cutting and insulting. So, it was like putting on a sock just out of the dryer when you are standing naked in a blizzard. The relief was instant but it turned cold so quickly.

Something I hadn't mentioned in my play-by-play, was that the night before our supposed 'talk about our relationship' dinner she said she was going to be and we said good night (texting). About 1.5 hrs later I get three texts from her that seemed mid-conversation. They pertained to nothing, and didn't make any sense. I immediately wrote back and said I didn't understand her email. No reply. I texted again to ask if she was still awake. Noting. The next morning we texted and I asked about the emails she sent me and she said she has no idea what they were. At 11:30PM? Do people sleep text? All the times I slept with her she never was sleep walking or anything remotely similar.

So, that was in the back of my mind too when she said she was confused. From my limited understanding of BPD, it seems that she has already started contacting someone else but hasn't fully been able to assure that she can transition to that new guy so i am just barely left hanging in case she needs something.

[Shoct]

hi risingup4,

thank you for your post. short answer, yes, i think this has really opened my eyes that i need help myself.

i have been struggling for depression for years. I was diagnosed with a particularly bad health condition about a decade ago and i think that has really had a bad effect on my psyche. I never dealt with the emotional side of the diagnosis (not to be TMI, but maybe it pertains, i have a heart condition that results in sudden death if untreated/unlucky), and I am pretty sure that it is what led to my divorce several years ago.

And when I first met this young lady I saw so many red flags that, had I been in a good emotional place, I would have not been taken in the same manner, so believing of the unbelievable. It really is hard to describe how gorgeous she is, so who knows, maybe even if i was happy and centered she still could have succeeded in her pursuit. But my depression was double damning. I suspect that she picked up on my state and that made it easier for her to achieve her goal, and that my depression has made it harder now that i am alone again.

Your point is so very appreciated and also what Harley wrote: learn from this, grow from this and come out stronger and smarter. Easy for me to write... .I know that the relationship was short enough where I hope it didn't set too much of a addiction/fix scar on my brain, being less than two months.

But I read so many posts here and while few that I have read seem to be so brief, I wonder how many of those people would have written a similar post during one of the discard phases. Which frightens me, that I write all of this tonight, and in a day or so get pulled back in and come back in a couple of months, repeat, and next you know I am talking like old gandalf the grey about lessons learned in my decade with a BPD.  

thanks again, risingup4, i have my first meeting with a T friday

[SlyQQ]

You were a distraction, she might have been window shoping for replacements , or just wanted an adrenilin rush from messing with her current partner, check out some taylor swift songs , i've got a blank space etc.

You were likely collateral damage.

It is not suprising she threw you a few crumbs at the end she might want to pay you another visit sometime.

it is possible also she was just  a sociopath and sensed you were vunerable and decided to mess with you

[Shoct]

most likely, SlyQQ, it was so short. thanks for responding

She told me that she had been in at least 4 physically abusive relationships, one lasting four years. I know nothing about this topic, and am speaking extemporaneously (or writing, as it were), but it sounds like she is drawn to that type of relationship, or guy, or something. NOT(!) that it is her fault or anything, as i understand it those that might have had an abusive childhood or relationship might fall into a cycle of abusive relationships.

Me, i have my issues, but i have never, nor ever even come close, to violence.

When we met she was taking her ex b/f to court for a restraining order and i think she just needed an immediate outlet for her pain and fear of the trial. I think i was just filled a need, a temporary need, and in her desperation to fill that need, and my initial hesitation, she shifted into 5th gear super fast and pretty much laid claim to me after about 11 days. I was too shell shocked to comprehend

[crushedagain]

In my opinion you should forget about the key, change your locks and block every form of contact she has. You'll be the next one she accuses of being an abuser, and that's nothing you want to deal with. She sounds very, very sick.

[OptimismRules]

I am sorry to hear about your situation, but I believe  we can all relate to it.  Who among us doesn't have scars? 

The good news would seem to be you don't have a lot invested in this relationship since it was so short. Hopefully, it will cause you to think a lot about yourself as that is where all the good can come from.  As to her, treasure the memories of the fun and good times and go find a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.  Count your lucky starsvthis was a short and finished (on your end) episode. 

Best advice I think you got was change your locks. If you are lucky, she won't remember you for very long. If you are not so lucky, what might a visit entail? You potentially have a lot at risk and changing locks is both wide and cheap insurance from potential loss or harm.

There are good folks out there. keep  this chapter of your life closed and go find one. You cannot help her, but you can help yourself.

[earlyL]

Hi Shoct,

I am so sorry to read about your experiences, I can totally understand why you feel confused at the shortness of the relationship and the effect it is having, I felt the same after my break up, it is also really difficult when our friends don't quite understand the impact. This site has been an absolute life saver for me.

You mentioned your ex made lots of comments about being confused and loved you at the end, and I wanted to say I had exactly the same experience, it was heart breaking and I found it really selfish from her point of view (I found out she had started a relationship with someone else).

My ex also kept my keys - and in fact still has them. I think for a long time I was too scared to ask for them back as I knew it really meant the end, however, she also told a mutual friend of ours that she 'didn't know how to give them back' and now I believe that is her truth. For her, she also couldn't cope with it. I was angry about that for a long time, but I read a lot on this site about removing the drama from situations and that really hit home for me. I finally changed the locks and it did remove the drama for me. A year on she still has the keys, if that works for her, then I have accepted it, and I no longer have to worry about her being in my home. You are in the really early stages of this chapter, with so much emotional turmoil going on, I don't want to sound patronising, but I wanted you to know that I can relate to a lot of what you have written and I can say it does ease. It took a lot of work on me and therapy twice a week, which I highly recommend. I see lots of good advice and support here. Do feel you can write as many times or as much as you want.

EL

[LegioXX Victrix]

Schot,

Welcome to the club.

Mine was a similar story. It takes time and a lot of work.
The destructive force of a BPD is a likened to that of a Black Hole.
Education and therapy... breath and realize you are at the beginning of recovery and this is a journey you have to make.

[Shoct]

EL,

Thank you for taking the time to respond and share.

I woke up this morning feeling extreme guilt and the tendency to go for a fix (i am seeing this more and more like withdrawal symptoms, right/wrong), and I had a lot of trouble sleeping. My brain is not on my side during this as it conjured up quite the most realistic dream that we were getting together again.

That you mentioned that the similar thing happened to you, with the 'i love you but i am confused' and your feelings about it were so very helpful. THAT is what was really digging into my conscience. I started to wonder if, golly, I could just be more patient, or if i could just explain to her how i feel, or this or that, then... .and the swirl of doubt and second guessing.

I am grateful to for this site and everyone's input--both to my post and to all the others--it has helped me avoid trying a 'once last chance' effort to get her back.

And you didn't sound patronizing at all, it was all important things i needed to read. Today is harder than yesterday, which troubles me. Getting easier with time has not proven to be true just yet.

[Shoct]

thank you so much LegioXX Victrix, it was nice of you to respond.

I tell myself that, that this is a long recovery process. And, in the times of the day when i am not so haunted that helps a lot. I still have this unbelievable propensity to go over every detail, every second, every word and every action in my brain. Like my brain is slowly losing the memory of what it was (however unreal) and in an effort to keep those feelings going, however difficult, i keep replaying everything. Which makes me wonder and doubt.

But it has helped so much, everyone's input, in keeping me from picking at the scab. I don't think, at this point, that there is any way i would breakdown and reach out to her--as I did that last week and had another illusion only to be shattered days later, which was even more painful.

My greatest fear is that I told her all my secrets, she knows what my pain points are, my weaknesses. And if she sends me an email i fear that she will be skilled enough at her craft to bait me into responding, and then the blindfolded-haunted house-rollercoaster ride starts anew.