IMPROVING BOARD ONLY: Holiday Cheer

[Tattered Heart]

   The holidays are right upon us and often the stress and high emotions of the season can cause our pwBPD to begin to dysregulate more often.( I’m already seeing the stress building in my H with each new social engagement that gets put on the calendar). It’s important to begin planning responses for situations that may create tension not only for our pwBPD but also for you so that you can react calmly, in a way that supports your pwBPD, and does not make the situation worse.

1.   What is a scenario that you anticipate may cause your pwBPD to have difficulty?

2.   Which skill will you commit to practicing and using more during the holidays?

Boundaries and Values

Validation

SET

D.E.A.R.M.A.N

Don’t JADE

Listen With Empathy

3.   How can you apply this communication tool to preparing yourself and your response for the anticipated difficult scenario?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi TH, Great topic!

I am already (still) nervous about my h's kid's upcoming visit in late December. He tends to dysregulate and break up with me while they are here. It is embarrassing, stressful, and overwhelming. Also, different religions/traditions/ no traditions is an issue. (In a nutshell: It's complicated.)

I think I need to take time to check on my Boundaries and Values. It is hard to maintain what I want for myself and my life, with balancing with all their needs. They are all a bit emotionally sensitive. I feel like no matter how much I give/plan/do it can all fall apart so quickly as they all start flipping out, having fights, melting down, etc. I think my h even makes really harsh (in my opinion) threats to them that are not exactly the hallmark of fine parenting. His version of break up threats for the kids - though I have no way of knowing much that happens as it is in a language I am not fluent in. The kids make their threats too when they hit their extremes - "I'm never gonna come visit you again!" etc. It is a whole lot of drama.

My h and I talked about it briefly yesterday. I know in his heart he does not want it to be so stressful. We always have the best intentions to head off stress, but it is so much juggle at once for him and I tend to bear the brunt of it. He loves to see his kids, but he does tend to either shut down, or fall apart after a certain point. I want them to have time with their dad, but I wish he would spread it out, but... .it's hard. It's just hard. It should be! Life is not easy and there are big adjustments after a divorce on top of the BPD issues! But oh how I wish we could get a few breaks!

[Tattered Heart]

My H's holiday stress has already started and I'm finding myself beginning to walk on egg shells. So I have to get myself in check so this doesn't continue.

Friday night I had to go to a party by myself, even though he had already agreed to go to said party. I hate it when he does this, but as I was thinking of this thread, I am committed to my boundary of 1) sticking to plans that I"ve already committed to 2) remaining social. Both of these mean that whether my H flakes out on me or not, I still go to parties, no matter how many times I have to answer the question: "Where is H? Why isn't he here?" and no matter how upset he gets that I go.

Friday after he decided not to go, he began saying things that he wanted me to come home early, wanted us to spend time together, etc. I was pretty proud of myself in saying: "I want to spend time with you too. That's why I asked you to go to this party with me. If you want to spend time with me, then you can go with me." Later as I was leaving he said, "Hurry home." I said, "No. I'm not going to. I'll be home when I'm ready to leave." He laughed but the next day he made some little comments about it. I just ignored it.

On to my questions:
1. What scenario do I anticipate my H having problems with?

Christmas plans at my mom's. He hates Christmas as it is because his family grew up teaching him it was a pagan holiday. He hates being away from home. He hates being at my mom's. And he hates spending $ on Christmas. Oh what a grinch he is! So my greatest worry is having to negotiate Christmas with him. I want to spend Saturday-Monday with my family. Our vet is full so boarding our dog is an issue.

2. I am going to commit to DEARMAN. I'm not very good at this skill, but when I begin to negotiate our time at my mom's I'll need to use it. In this past this conversation has turned into a nightmare with him yelling about how I don't care about him, accusing me of choosing family over him, him threatening that we won't go at all, and him quietly dysregualting while at my mom's. Last year he started to accuse me of wanting to have an affair with my step brother because I stayed up later than him while my step brother was awake.

3. I think I'll start by sharing with him what is important to me, what I want for myself for Christmas:
    1. I want to see my sisters while they are in town
    2. It's important for me to go to my grandma's Christmas Eve
    3. Singing in the choir at my mom's church for midnight mass is important to me.

I will share my understanding of things that I know are uncomfortable for him and create stress. Let him know that I've been thinking of those things and want him to know I'm taking that into consideration. And be open to negotiating terms that are less important to me but will allow him to have some control over the schedule too.

Things that are negotiable:
1. What time we leave on Christmas Morning
2. What we do with our dog
3. What time we leave to go to my mom's on Saturday
4. Where we stay while visiting

Things we have already agreed upon:
I'm making homemade CHristmas this year so he is VERY pleased that I am spending 2/3 less than usual this year. I'll remind him with the left over money we will be buying a home theater system.

[AskingWhy]

Holidays are always stressful for me in regards to my uBPD/uNPD H.

First of all, he is enmeshed with his children and this was apparent in their adolescence.  pwNPD perceive their children as extensions of themselves.  Once the children became adults, H attempted to make them into his friends, and he often befriended the friends of his own children, throwing parties (providing food and liquor), inviting them on outings, etc.  It was very odd and even embarrassing to see a middle aged man in the company of a group of twenty-somethings.

For the holidays, H invites his children over for a dinner that he spares no expense on.  A meal with all the trimmings, plus ample liquor flowing.  Of course, young people will come over and gorge themselves on free food!  After the meal and drinks were consumed, the young guests invariably left to attend other parties, and did not linger to socialize with the host.

As many pwBPD, H has a very sketchy sense of self and insecure, and he defines himself, in part, by his children and their attitudes and friends.  

Now that Thanksgiving is upon us, H is stressing out over making a feast for his children and their friends.  H insists the house must be spotless (we have pets) and H will start ordering me around to clean the house for the guests' arrival as he is expecting the arrival of royalty.  If the house is not white-glove clean, H will start to dysregulate and rage, call me names ("lazy b_____,"  among other insults) and then hint at divorce and leaving me.

It's as though he must impress his children and their friends.  He is holding himself up for their approval.

As Christmas approaches, I am stressed out as he will invariable gift me with relatively cheap gifts while going overboard for his children, some of whom are married.  He buys expensive electronics and luxury items for his children(and their spouses) as if he must win approval.  As teens living with their mother, they cut him off (withholding affection and silent treatment) and blackmailed him unless he bought them what they wanted. Rather than impose boundaries, he willing complied with the blackmail and duly bought whatever they wanted.  By comparison, my gifts for landmark occasions (birthdays, wedding anniversaries0 were vastly eclipsed by gifts he gave to his children and their spouses.  I suspect his children might be BPD and NPD, as well.

My own family is unimpressed with the cheap gifts I am given for holidays and other occasions.  Of course, pwNPD are very generous to themselves.  As I write, H is starting to look at buying himself some very expensive electronics.    

It looks like DEARMAN will come in handy for me.

[isilme]

1.   What is a scenario that you anticipate may cause your pwBPD to have difficulty?

Anything and everything family related.  He's started in already about having to go see his parents this week and then he harps on how Christmas is just a repeat of Thanksgiving one month later and we need to just give up and merge the holidays (nationally, not as a family decision).  Mind you, his parents ARE difficult.  They want us there so they can ignore us as they watch TV, and refuse to clean so we can sit down anywhere, cook for them, or even access the room in which we stay.  A lot of H's problems obviously came from somewhere.   

I think the family pretty much relies on my experience with my BPD parents to get them moving, to get them to make minor changes and meet everyone halfway - basically I get stuck pushing them to get dressed and in a car so I can drive them to where we are meeting.  "Isilme seems to be able to make them do things, let her exhaust herself doing it!" 

2.   Which skill will you commit to practicing and using more during the holidays?

Boundaries and Values

Validation

SET

D.E.A.R.M.A.N

Don’t JADE

Listen With Empathy

I try to do this with H, as well as his problematic family members.  Thank goodness I guess that I am NC with my family, so we're not playing the two-family (or more) shuffle so many others have to do. 

3.   How can you apply this communication tool to preparing yourself and your response for the anticipated difficult scenario?

I will try to not take offense when his comments feel like attacks.  I will try to listen with empathy to this end, and realize and tell myself over and over this is not about me, I juust get to listen to all of it.  I will try to use this mindset to not JADE, and to validate the feelings about the whole family situation that I can validate.  I will try to use SET when I need to get H, or his mother, moving. 

And I will try to take time for me to rest and reset, even if it means I go upstairs by myself to lie down as needed or try to get past my independence and pride and allow others to do things.  I've been very migraine prone lately, had 2 in 2 weeks, and that just shows I'm not doing very well at taking care of me. 

[Tattered Heart]

It's as though he must impress his children and their friends.  He is holding himself up for their approval.

This makes me feel bad for him. Knowing that he is so scared of being rejected by his children, does that cause you to feel more empathy towards him when he tries to impress?

It looks like DEARMAN will come in handy for me.

In your scenario, how would you use DEARMAN?

[Tattered Heart]

I will try to use SET when I need to get H, or his mother, moving.  [/quote]

What would happen if you didn't take the responsibility of herding everyone around? I know for me it would create intense stress on my end, but the healthy side of me says that allowing them to miss out due to their lack of movement would be the un-codependnet thing to do   

When we visit my H's family, it takes about 2 hours to decide where to eat. It gets so frustrating that I will often excuse myself until they decide or press the pickiest one to just make a decision.

And I will try to take time for me to rest and reset, even if it means I go upstairs by myself to lie down as needed or try to get past my independence and pride and allow others to do things.  I've been very migraine prone lately, had 2 in 2 weeks, and that just shows I'm not doing very well at taking care of me. 

That sounds like a very good plan. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for taking the time you need. Migraines are the worst. I've had 3 in my whole life and I just wanted to die.

[Tattered Heart]

My h and I talked about it briefly yesterday. I know in his heart he does not want it to be so stressful. We always have the best intentions to head off stress, but it is so much juggle at once for him and I tend to bear the brunt of it.

Yes, we do. Using validation, do you think this year you both might be able to just agree that yeah, we are stressed out. And would just acknowledging that help you both feel like you are on the same page?

When my H's sister visited a few weeks ago I could tell that he was beginning to feel incredible stress from just having company over. He started to get a little snipey with me so when we finally had a few moments before bed together, I just checked in with "Wow. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with all the activity. How are you doing?" He felt open to share and that seemed to help him alot.

[AskingWhy]

This makes me feel bad for him. Knowing that he is so scared of being rejected by his children, does that cause you to feel more empathy towards him when he tries to impress?

In your scenario, how would you use DEARMAN?

Tattered Heart, I mostly plan to use Asserting and Reinforcing.  Due to his object permanence issues, he cannot concentrate on both me and his children at the same time.

No, I don't have more empathy toward my H during these times.  I feel anger and disappointment.

When his children are present, I "disappear" to him, and I get ignored in a social setting.  For instance, at a holiday meal with many people around the table, he will direct his concentration only toward his children and their spouses/guests and not include me.

It's painful and humiliating for me, and his children notice it and smile to themselves.

[pearlsw]

I really liked this post and wanted to remind others it is here! What are you going to do to help you get through the holiday season?

  The holidays are right upon us and often the stress and high emotions of the season can cause our pwBPD to begin to dysregulate more often.( I’m already seeing the stress building in my H with each new social engagement that gets put on the calendar). It’s important to begin planning responses for situations that may create tension not only for our pwBPD but also for you so that you can react calmly, in a way that supports your pwBPD, and does not make the situation worse.

1.   What is a scenario that you anticipate may cause your pwBPD to have difficulty?

2.   Which skill will you commit to practicing and using more during the holidays?

Boundaries and Values

Validation

SET

D.E.A.R.M.A.N

Don’t JADE

Listen With Empathy

3.   How can you apply this communication tool to preparing yourself and your response for the anticipated difficult scenario?

[pearlsw]

I'm going to be seeing my family in-between the holidays in my home country! I'm visiting more of them than I've seen at once in my entire life next week!

My h cannot accompany me on the trip, but I expect him to be a factor in it nonetheless. He gets very upset and anxious when I am not around or don't contact him as much as he'd like. I want to find a balance between his needs and my need for flexibility and time away from my computer to be present and in the moment with people I am visiting.

I think I will need to work with Validating his worries and discomfort, but also not JADE.

[bananas2]

Great topic. Thank you. 

It's not a tool listed here, but I'm going to go back to basics and commit to not trying to change H's behaviors, and only work on my own. It's such a simple thing that I sometimes forget.

I was reminded of this last night in MC, and I really needed to hear it. It gives me relief and empowerment to remember I have the ability to change my own behaviors. I believe it also takes some pressure off of H, which leads to less stress all around.