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[Geppie]

Hello, I am new to this site and am hoping to find answers and support for not only myself as I attempt to support my brother, but also for him.  He has been married for over 35 yrs and  his wife displays BPD traits.
She has had issues with alcohol, and I believe now is involved in using/abusing (secretly) prescription medication. For 35 years, he has worked hard and taken good care financially of his family, but she has always had some issue (first it was alcohol, but now it is medically, or emotionally) that has been at the forefront; leaving him to take care of the total household while she shouts out orders. When he worked, he would come home to a crisis and have to put take care of them, usually from her bad choices getting them into hot water some way. She gave the alcohol up around 15 yrs ago and in my opinion, it appears she just traded alcohol in because now she has traded the alcohol use for using and abusing prescription medication. Which only gives her a permission statement to stay oblivious to what it does, or is doing to the family-mainly my brother now.  It is as if this women has used and emotionally abused; hence, sucked the life out of him.  Leaving him standing stripped of any voice, or input, and as a spectator in the family and his own life as she runs the show making one bad choice after another. She has convinced him that he has dementia and Alzheimer, but kicked him out of the house at age 73.  All because he was putting his foot down about the drug activity his son and his son's girlfriend brought into the house.
Telling them, NO WAY is this continuing and you both need to find a job and move into your own home adn that is when his wife threw him out of the house and told him to come live with his sister, which is me. I am trusting that maybe him starting a new life without his wife is what he should do, but not sure he is up to the task.

[MarinaRae]

Hello Geppie. I am new to this site, as well. However, I wanted to reply to your post. As someone who is dealing with a family member who has a personality disorder I am discovering that you cannot fix the person OR save anyone else who might be involved like your brother.

At age 73 it might be very difficult for your brother to start a new life. Not impossible, but hard. Hopefully, he has some income and could possibly manage on his own. I think the question here is this - are YOU up to the task of having your brother move in with you and basically take over the responsibility for his well-being? If he's been married for 35 years he is very used to having a woman to either care for him or tell him what to do.

I say this because I was a caretaker for years of my family members. I had 2 brothers who would just show up on my doorstep needing a place to stay and I always took them in. Usually the wife or girlfriend had kicked them out for various reasons. I did this, but it was very detrimental to MY OWN mental health and to MY family to have them, their relationship issues, their mental health and addiction issues become part of my responsibility. And there was no getting around it. When they were in my house they were in my mind.

The last time my alcoholic brother was borderline homeless and asked me to move his camper out to my property, I finally said no. I cried for three days because that NO was one of the hardest things I ever did. He threatened to walk into the ocean because he had no place to go. He is now living on my mother's property, which may be short-lived but at least he's not on the street. AND he's not at my house for the 4th time.