Broke up many times, i think this is the last one, and i feel horrible

[Ija]

My man (ex now) made 3400 km on a motorcycle (he is 76 years old) to come and see me where i was retreating happily, spent two wonderful loving weeks together, then i came back with him to where we live as neighbors .
We've known each other for 4 years, with lots of ups and downs.
As soon as we came back, he ignored me, stayed in his house , slept alone etc... .
3 days ago we had dinner at his place, and he flared up when during a conversation when i expressed my opinion, he told me to "shut up and listen" and " when i am finished talking you can talk" !
Then i got up , told him not to speak to me that way and " who do you thing you are to speak that way"
Then i walked out in the house slippers he had lend me... .he followed me, threw my boots at me screaming: " here are your ___ing boots " in the street. (we live in a quiet village)
Since then, i feel totally out of balance, have huge anxiety, don't know what to do.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ynwa]

Ija,  thank you for sharing.  I know it is hard dealing with this, but asking for help is important and you have made the first steps.

No one on the board should tell you "what to do", if that makes sense. 

What is it that lead you to find this board? 

[vanx]

Ija, I'm sorry for the anxiety you are experiencing. That doesn't feel very good. Many people feel anxious after an argument like what happened with you. I think you did the right thing asserting that you don't deserve to be treated poorly. Personally, I think you have already answered the question of what you need to do: reduce your anxiety and restore balance. How you do this is unique to you, but I think when you are in that state, it is challenging to think of things to do. I would suggest physical activity if you are able, even just setting aside a little time to go for a walk, connecting with positive people who reflect the good things about you, and creative outlet. If you are not an artist, this could also be journaling about what's going on. Is there someone you could reach out to and make some plans soon? It may take time to feel balanced, but you will get there.

[Tattered Heart]

,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so distraught after your argument. Often our first instinct when we are treated so harshly is to respond harshly. It's a way for us to try to set boundaries. But when we react the same way they react, it causes things to escalate.

We cannot control the behavior of our pwBPD but we can control our own behavior. His words and telling you to shut up was rude. It was unkind. One thing I"ve learned about BPD though is that those with BPD often say things in a cruel way when they don't know how to express what they are really trying to say. For instance he could have been trying to say: I disagree with your opinion. Or I feel like I'm being interrupted. Or I feel like I"m not being heard.

How could you have changed your response to him so that you could react in a calmer manner, let him know that you are listening, and also let him know that the way he spoke to you was unacceptable? Our workshop Communicate, Listen and Be Heard might help you come up with some ways so that next time, you can try to stay in a better place.