Dealing with Borderlines and their Lack of Respect for Schedules

[LivingWBPDWife]

My BPDw continually lies about when she will be back. I work, she is the SAHM, but I work at home, so she takes advantage and goes shopping constantly, you name it. Today like 100's of other times, she wants to go to a "cookie" party from 7 to 9pm, our daughter goes to bed at 10pm, which is a nightmare getting my BPDw to maintain even remotely, but if I don't keep my daughter on a schedule, its very bad for her development, so tells me every child development specialist "children crave and need schedule", not to mention after 10pm my 3 year old is just over tired and needs to go to bed, bath, etc.

Anyway, if I don't let my wife go she will rage and make my life even worst, so she promises (useless) that she will be back at 9, 9:30pm at most. I HAVE to work, but can't with the toddler running around. Of course, I had to watch her all day while my wife made cookies and then made 3 hours of runs back and forth to store since she can't take the time to make a list and just keeps going back and back. I am tired just thinking about this.

So, again, I didn't get anything done all day, and I tell her she MUST be home, so I can work, I have to hit deadlines to get my contract payments. So, she rolls in at 10:30pm and then of course GETS MAD AT ME "I knew you were going to say something" -- I am like of course, I am going to say something, we agreed on 9:30pm at latest, since you know I have to work to pay OUR MORTGAGE. But, in one ear out the other.

I am so done with this behavior, I can't imagine her pulling this with mom (which is her primary enabler and right now split white/good).

So, I have two choices; say no, and make the house even more unbearable, say yes, and let her walk all over me -- She knows I want my daughter to have both parents in the house, and she uses it like a weapon.

If I was late 1 hour for her, she would probably kill herself over it, but she can do anything. Of course, I know when she came home, she is mad at herself really, since she probably thinks what a piece of sh$$t she is, and then projects on me, but still doesn't make me feel better.

All I am looking to do, is survive this woman, but she seems to try to do things to actively show disrespect. I simply can't imagine every doing things like to this to anyone, let alone my wife, friends, co-workers.

This behavior is one of many that I can't find a way to set a boundary, other than saying NO and keeping her captive. But, when she says she will be back and knows I have work or a meeting, and then stays out 1-2 hours more just for the hell of it, it makes me nuts. But, there is no apology, no rational explanation, no sorry, you know typical BPD behavior.

So, how do others deal with BPDs being totally unreliable?

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[foggydew]

Is there any way you can take your work away and work outside home a couple of afternoons, evenings a week? I know how difficult it is to try and work at home - I had over 20 years of it. When deadlines were coming up I sometimes took off and stayed in a hotel for a couple of days, or worked in a library. But there were no small children round me. I always found that the more wound up I was, the less well I could work.
The unreliability is really a big difficulty. Right now I am trying to deal with it by stating calmly that I don't like it (whatever it may be) and I will do x to ensure I get my needs. And then say nothing more, no explanation, no excitement, no criticism, no argument. And just do it. At the moment it seems to be working. I do hope others come and tell you the way they deal with these things.

[Notwendy]

Yes, it is called pre-school, day care, mother's morning out and hire a sitter.

My H is the breadwinner, and when my kids were little, I was a SAHM. Yet somehow my friends would be able to go to a class or girls night out once in a while while their spouses were willing to watch the kids. Mine balked at it. There was no way. I used all of these resources to get some time for myself.

Having time during the day for things I wanted or needed to do, I was able to be available to my kids in the evenings. My H worked odd hours and was often not home at bedtime- and so I did bedtime myself. Evenings - the kids had my full attention. I didn't even try to do anything else- but knew I had pre-school the next morning to get things done. In ways, I enabled this issues, but having a BPD mom myself, felt that it was best for the kids to do this.

Growing up, I had sitters and pre-school. In the summers I stayed with my father's relatives. I used to resent this- wishing I had a mommy like my friends' mommies who took care of them most of the time. But this was not my mother. Now, I see this as a good thing. My father needed to work and my sibs and I had consistent caretakers.

My father worked out of the home for most of his career but in his older years, was self employed. He had a small office outside the home as well as a business PO box. He was not doing anything my mother should not know about- but established a place of business where she did not read his papers or mail and he could work in relative peace. This idea may work for you too.