He just ended our marriage

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My husband has just said our marriage is over.
Things had been going very well since his group therapy. Today we had a bit of a thing on our daily dog walk in the woods but it was neither here or there and I thought he was ok.
On driving to the supermarket after our walk he charged into a roundabout and nearly hit someone then this person stopped and wound his window down, shouted obscenities at my husband who just sat there and laughed. I was absolutely mortified and angry at the whole thing and asked that we go straight home rather than continue to the store.
We was meant to be visiting my relatives this afternoon but I had to make an excuse as he was not coming after that.
I get home an hour ago and ask if we can talk. He agrees.
I asked him why he was so annoyed etc.

It all links back to 8 days ago he asked me
“ do I have to get a job before you will put your wedding ring back on”
I thought about this before answering as I realise that it could appear quite shallow to say “yes”. However, given our history and neither of us have worn our rings for 3 years I think and the fact that he has not stayed true to one single vow he made to me 6 years go.

So 8 days ago I explained all of this and told him I. Wanted to explain why I wouldn’t put my wedding ring on any sooner.
Him getting a job is the single biggest signal to me that he is fully committed to our marriage and to live out our dreams of becoming parents.

He said he understood this completely and seemed fine.

Well this evening he has said he went completely numb and was in shock as he thought I would be agreeable to put my wedding ring back on now and sees me saying “when you get a job I’ll put it back on” as the completely wrong thing.
Now I understand that to many this would seem like an awful thing on my part and that one shouldn’t use the band as a bargaining tool. But for me the representation of the wedding ring is about all the things a marriage entails. Our marriage has never had any of this therefore, I feel by wearing it i am living a lie.

Anyway he said he has nothing to say to me and that we do not have a marriage and we are just like room mates that do not get on.

Anyway the short of it is it’s over

I really do not know how to feel. He has said to me numerous times over the 3 years that we do not have a marriage and all of a sudden this ring is important to him. I feel like I am being manipulated?
I pay all the rent, bills, food, anything he needs, he is on my car insurance, all of this for 6 years... .him sleeping in another room for 3-4 years, he will not look for a job and he is angry I will not wear a wedding ring all of a sudden that I haven’t worn for 3 years or so.
I don’t want to know who is right or wrong I just want to know if I have been too mean in my refusal to wear it?

[Jester20]

My husband has just said our marriage is over.
Things had been going very well since his group therapy. Today we had a bit of a thing on our daily dog walk in the woods but it was neither here or there and I thought he was ok.
On driving to the supermarket after our walk he charged into a roundabout and nearly hit someone then this person stopped and wound his window down, shouted obscenities at my husband who just sat there and laughed. I was absolutely mortified and angry at the whole thing and asked that we go straight home rather than continue to the store.
We was meant to be visiting my relatives this afternoon but I had to make an excuse as he was not coming after that.
I get home an hour ago and ask if we can talk. He agrees.
I asked him why he was so annoyed etc.

It all links back to 8 days ago he asked me
“ do I have to get a job before you will put your wedding ring back on”
I thought about this before answering as I realise that it could appear quite shallow to say “yes”. However, given our history and neither of us have worn our rings for 3 years I think and the fact that he has not stayed true to one single vow he made to me 6 years go.

So 8 days ago I explained all of this and told him I. Wanted to explain why I wouldn’t put my wedding ring on any sooner.
Him getting a job is the single biggest signal to me that he is fully committed to our marriage and to live out our dreams of becoming parents.

He said he understood this completely and seemed fine.

Well this evening he has said he went completely numb and was in shock as he thought I would be agreeable to put my wedding ring back on now and sees me saying “when you get a job I’ll put it back on” as the completely wrong thing.
Now I understand that to many this would seem like an awful thing on my part and that one shouldn’t use the band as a bargaining tool. But for me the representation of the wedding ring is about all the things a marriage entails. Our marriage has never had any of this therefore, I feel by wearing it i am living a lie.

Anyway he said he has nothing to say to me and that we do not have a marriage and we are just like room mates that do not get on.

Anyway the short of it is it’s over

I really do not know how to feel. He has said to me numerous times over the 3 years that we do not have a marriage and all of a sudden this ring is important to him. I feel like I am being manipulated?
I pay all the rent, bills, food, anything he needs, he is on my car insurance, all of this for 6 years... .him sleeping in another room for 3-4 years, he will not look for a job and he is angry I will not wear a wedding ring all of a sudden that I haven’t worn for 3 years or so.
I don’t want to know who is right or wrong I just want to know if I have been too mean in my refusal to wear it?

[No-One]

Hi Jester20:
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  I can understand how frustrated you must be. Did you notice the current behaviors prior to marriage?

You say he has been in group therapy.  Is he still in the therapy? What type of therapy was it and what improvements did you see? 

Just thinking that using healthy tools for management of emotions takes a lot of practice and reinforcement.  Sometimes, therapy stops too early in the process.

Him getting a job is the single biggest signal to me that he is fully committed to our marriage and to live out our dreams of becoming parents. . .I really do not know how to feel. He has said to me numerous times over the 3 years that we do not have a marriage and all of a sudden this ring is important to him. I feel like I am being manipulated?

I pay all the rent, bills, food, anything he needs, he is on my car insurance, all of this for 6 years... .him sleeping in another room for 3-4 years, he will not look for a job and he is angry I will not wear a wedding ring all of a sudden that I haven’t worn for 3 years or so.
I don’t want to know who is right or wrong I just want to know if I have been too mean in my refusal to wear it?

Sounds like you have some important life decisions to make.  Depending on where you live, the 10-year mark in a marriage can have a lot of consequences for the wage earner in the family.

It could be helpful for you to get some personal therapy to help you with decisions going forward.  Generally, current behavior predicts future behavior.  You could remain the breadwinner and have to pay him alimony and share retirement money with him.  Would he make a good father, or would his uncontrolled emotions harm children?

There are lots of things to consider.  A professional can help guide you in a decision making process.  I'm thinking there is a lot more in the equation than whether you put a ring back on. 

[pearlsw]

Hi Jester20,

Does your husband have a history of making divorce threats? Do you think he was upset for a week before bringing this up with you in another context? Did he use this threat as a way to avoid your anger at the issue about what happened while driving?

How do you feel about the relationship at this point?

wishing you the best at this tough time, pearlsw.

[Jester20]

Hi Jester20:
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  I can understand how frustrated you must be. Did you notice the current behaviors prior to marriage?

You say he has been in group therapy.  Is he still in the therapy? What type of therapy was it and what improvements did you see? 

Just thinking that using healthy tools for management of emotions takes a lot of practice and reinforcement.  Sometimes, therapy stops too early in the process.
Sounds like you have some important life decisions to make.  Depending on where you live, the 10-year mark in a marriage can have a lot of consequences for the wage earner in the family.

It could be helpful for you to get some personal therapy to help you with decisions going forward.  Generally, current behavior predicts future behavior.  You could remain the breadwinner and have to pay him alimony and share retirement money with him.  Would he make a good father, or would his uncontrolled emotions harm children?

There are lots of things to consider.  A professional can help guide you in a decision making process.  I'm thinking there is a lot more in the equation than whether you put a ring back on. 

Thank you for your response. He has been in group therapy for 15 months now and has another 2 years of it. It is for people with diognosis of BPD and is a huge commitment therapy wise 7 hours per week. He is making very good progress! This has been our second upset in a year. Before that couldn’t go 3 days without some drama which impacted my life in a huge way. But he is learning new skills with the help of this dbt  group therapy. I think I can almost say I am quite proud of how well he is coming on and that I know he will be ok if we separate. I say ‘if’ now because he went to group that week and told them what had happened and talked everything through. When he came home he said it was one of the best sessions he had and that we both still had lots of work to do and shouldn’t be making rash desicions at this time.

I am currently on the waiting list for an nhs counsellor and should be starting in January.

[Jester20]

Hi Jester20,

Does your husband have a history of making divorce threats? Do you think he was upset for a week before bringing this up with you in another context? Did he use this threat as a way to avoid your anger at the issue about what happened while driving?

How do you feel about the relationship at this point?

wishing you the best at this tough time, pearlsw.

Hi, thank you for your response. No it is normally me who asks him to leave due to unreasonable/ angry behaviours.
I told him anger and him not working are a deal breaker for me.
I think maybe he said it to me so I could experience how painful it is to have someone tell me that it’s  all over? However, I do not have BPD and therefore do not experience what he experiences. Also he didnt realise that it came as a relief when he said it. Desicions need to be made in the new year.

[No-One]

Jester20:

He has been in group therapy for 15 months now and has another 2 years of it. It is for people with diognosis of BPD and is a huge commitment therapy wise 7 hours per week. He is making very good progress! This has been our second upset in a year. Before that couldn’t go 3 days without some drama which impacted my life in a huge way. But he is learning new skills with the help of this dbt  group therapy. I think I can almost say I am quite proud of how well he is coming on and that I know he will be ok if we separate. I say ‘if’ now because he went to group that week and told them what had happened and talked everything through. When he came home he said it was one of the best sessions he had and that we both still had lots of work to do and shouldn’t be making rash desicions at this time.

I am currently on the waiting list for an nhs counsellor and should be starting in January

I'm glad that your partner had a good group DBP session and that interaction with his group led him to decide to not make rash decisions.  How have things gone, since he made that statement? 

January is just around the corner.  You will likely find it helpful to have your own therapy. 

[Caramel Brulee]

I am so sorry that you are going through all this. You need to face it bravely. If you haven't filed for divorce then you need to find an experienced lawyer. My friend recently hired the advocate Bechara Tarabay for some legal issues. I would suggest you to try to sort the issues on your own and I am sure that this will work out.