From love, sadness and desperation to anger, resentment and almost hatred.

[crushedagain]

That's the kind of emotional roller coaster I've been on since my BPD exgf left me last fall. There was no closure of course, she left under the guise of coming back. In fact, she kissed me several times and said "I'll be back." She always had come back, and this wasn't one of her countless threats of leaving me, or where she actually left for a brief time, this was her going on vacation. She never did come back.

When I finally had to face the reality it was over, about a month after she had been gone and several annoying conversations about what she was doing, her plans, etc., I fell into a state of crushing sadness, anxiety and depression. There were sleepless nights where my heart was pounding, moments where I thought I just couldn't go on. I willed myself through it, and slowly those feelings were replaced by anger and sometimes feelings of sheer hatred, which I try to push away because I don't ever want to hate anyone.

I made a decision that I will never initiate contact with her again. Ever. And I've stuck to it. She's the type who will likely not reach out because of deep shame and guilt, and also because she wants to be chased. In fact, I think part of the reason she left in the way she did was to get me to chase her to try to boost her self esteem, a game of which I wanted no part. I did fairly well in the relationship insofar as not yielding to these kinds of tactics of hers. When she'd threaten to leave I wouldn't try to stop her, just remain calm and watch her as she packed and walked out the door. She'd call crying and come back. I hated that routine.

I was surprised when sometime before Christmas I received an email from her, but it only had a title and was a link to something funny. That's it. There was absolutely nothing personal about it aside from the subject matter. I found that bizarre, and I certainly didn't respond. I am resolute in my decision. I am moving on, and have realized that I want and deserve somebody so much better than her. When I try to think of the circumstances under which I'd take her back, I have a hard time coming up with any. Even if she told me she had gone to a therapist to fix herself, it's too little, too late. She is a liar, and likely a cheater. Do I want this kind of woman as a partner? Not in a million years. Her loss. She truly will never find a guy as good as me.

[Mutt]

Hi crushedagain,



What a terrible way too break up with someone. I’m sorry that you went through. I was thinking that if you did take her back then what are the chances that she’ll do the same thing again? Which led to my next thought, it’s a saying “ Feel me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”

[crushedagain]

To be honest, Mutt, I think the chances are 100% that she'd do the same thing. She has a disorder. The longer the relationship went on, the more I realized something was really not ok with her. Bear in mind she rashly broke up with me one time before and I foolishly took her back, but promised her that was it if she ever did it again. No more chances. I think she realizes it. I'm done. It's a painful realization for me, I know.

[donkey2016]

Hi
I'm sorry for what you have been going through. You seem to be a very strong person so you have the strength to resist her. It's funny because I was just thinking before seeing your post that anger might be one way of easier get over a relationship with a BPD person. But then again the anger and bitterness eat you up from the inside - and who wants that?

My ex also emails me these silly emails with links to news or jokes that he thinks I should read. So annoying. They want to tip their toe in the water - see if it's warm enough - and it's certain that I keep that water ice cold (like you do with your ex.). I'm preparing myself to go completely non-contact - we only have very little email contact right now.

Still it's difficult to deal with all the loneliness and bad memories.

donkey2016