So glad I'm not alone

[JStarr]

Hey guys, I'm j. I'm 27 and from the UK. I've been in a relationship for 5 years with one significant break up of about a year in between. My partner has BPD which was diagnosed about 6 months ago but I always knew something was up and I initially thought it to be post natal depression as we have a child who is now 3. I say that because the first thing that made me notice something was up was just after the birth of our child. My partner told me her dad sexually abused her when she was 13 (whilst still living with her parents) and I distanced myself from her family immediately and when our child was born I said her dad shouldn't be near out child doing what he'd done this is when my partner admitted to lying about it. That was just after our beautiful little girl was born and ever since it's never been the same. I fought forever to get her diagnosed her family blamed me for her health but they don't understand what it felt like after those accussations and finally she did 6 months ago but now she's given up medication and therapy and dealing with it at all and now she screams and shouts and me and my daughter for nothing every day and if I try to help I get blamed for everything and get told she doesn't have BPD but it's my fault despite her being properly diagnosed. Now as horrible as this sounds I just can't deal with it anymore and need out but when I try to break up in a nice way she just says she'll get me out of my daughters life with accusations of drug taking, violence and unreliability. I've never been any of those things I've worked long hours since our daughter was born and provided everything financially but it all gets thrown in my face everytime. I can't see friends anymore  cause she says she'll put on Facebook that I'm out doing drugs with friends and tell all my family I do drugs and say I've run out on my daughter but I just need time to myself. I feel trapped and can't cope anymore I'm struggling at work (in a call centre) and feel embarrassed to talk to anyone at work about this. Sorry its long but surely I can't be the only one? I just want to be happy firstly with her but if she won't address her mental health issues what can I do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

Hi and welcome!

Yes there are many here who have been though this. It is difficult, and messy.

If you have decided to leave her, then you have made that choice for good reason. Leaving will not be pretty. She will be hurt, lash out, accuse, all sorts of things. But this is a process you have to go through (like the pain of ripping off a bandaid).

I left my wife of 17yrs 8 months ago and I cringe when I hear what she has been saying about me to people. Yes they are lies, but people believe them. And that hurts. But if people are willing to believe what she says without asking me about it, then they aren't really friends I care to keep anyway. I keep records of what I do, where I go, who I see - paranoid yes but also it'll mean I can "challange" anything she throws at me later if it gets to somewhere that matters (ike court).

For now, it sucks. But in the long run, her lies will catch up with her. The people she has been talking to will see that she is untruthful, and her world will crumble again.

You, are the rock. You will weather this storm, keep your head held up and do what you need to do. You will emerge out the other side triumphant and free.

Keep posting, stay strong.

[Lucky Jim]

Well said, AB.

if people are willing to believe what she says without asking me about it, then they aren't really friends I care to keep anyway.

Agree, it's a winnowing process that separates the wheat from the chaff.  The so-called friends I lost in the divorce, it turns out, weren't really my friends anyway.

LJ