Rollercoaster Crash

[passthewine]

I'm not sure where to begin or what to say. However, I've recently ended a relationship with a male partner whom has BPD. I actually ended the "relationship" a month and a half ago but my ex BPD partner came back wanting a friendship and did not want to let me go. At the time of our break up (which there were many breakups in the past all caused by him), I had decided the only way for me to free myself was to move across the country away from him so I could heal and begin to mend/strengthen myself. I'm not entirely sure what he expected since the whole reason we ended was because of his sabotaging and hurtful statement that lead me to end everything. I scratch my head wondering how he didn't know that was going to absolutely end everything and why I would give another chance when he used the absolutely worst and hurtful statement to end us. Then when I left, he literally was begging me to stay... .promising me the world... marriage, children with me, living a life where I didn't have to work, etc. After I left, he begged for a friendship... .talking to me every single day be text and/or phone calls. He even booked a flight to visit me and yet still in this so called "friendship" was beating me up with emotional ups and downs. The same ___ he did when we were in a relationship. He manipulated me on keeping him and that our relationship was marriage material etc. He has children and tried to use them in manipulation to keep me and often video chatted his children with me to make me feel guilty for my choice to leave "them". Ultimately, I was free from him but yet not because the communication was still open with him where he could turn on a dime so quickly and make me feel like I was the best that ever happened to him and quickly the worst person in the world to leave him thousands of miles away from him, alone, missing me, and every other bull___ reason in there. I woke up the day after Christmas with several questions via text message regarding his insecurities- which in turn quickly gave me feelings of anxiety, panic, confusion, guilt, and how can I re-assure him once more that he doesn't need to ask these same damn questions again. He picked and chose when he'd respond to me throughout the day which lead to increasingly higher anxiety and guilt for myself. Then we have a conversation via text where I'm re-assuring him re-directing his crazy ass statements and insecurities. Then poof he disappears (purposely I know!) and I'm left feeling upset, more anxiety, anger, and questioning why the ___ am I still hanging on to a "friendship" with this ass that keeps rocking my boat and upsetting me when I've done NOTHING wrong. So I researched BPD thoroughly last night. I woke up to several text messages from him responding to mine but also because I did not respond on his time... .beginning to question if I was PUSHING HIM AWAY? Really? I used what I read on the internets on males with BPD and having a relationship with them and even a friendship with an ex-BPD. He responded just as the articles said he would... .he was immediately apologetic, "understanding" of where I was coming from, and even more so desperately trying to keep me. Why the hell would he respond that way? I pointed out his BPD (I know not the best choice, but he claims he is in counseling for it and is aware -since I brought it to his attention months prior- and wanting to fix his issues), tendencies to push me away whenever he chooses and then ___ on me causing me extreme emotions that are not fair to me. I also brought to his attention that I'm a human being with real emotions and can feel those emotions, unlike him who cannot feel emotions and/or states he is "numb inside". I understand fully, that he read what I shared in my final see ya the ___ later, but he did not grasp what was said because he is not capable of doing this with his disorder. So with that, I asked that he not contact me further and his response was, "Ok, I'm sorry"... .(I'm rolling my eyes) and he also responds with, "Can you please give me a minute to call you so that I can have closure real quick?" Which is when I immediately blocked his phone number, blocked his email addresses, logged out and disconnected every app that he connects with me on.  I know all to well, even in the short ... ha short... 2 years I've been with him that his closure requires him to speak really quick pointing out flaws on my end, blames himself and ultimately says all this bull___ that makes him look good and causes me to feel pity for him. I was not willing to subject my emotions to any further turmoil for him to selfishly get his closure. Didn't he get his closure 1.5 moths ago when our relationship ended? To wrap this novel up, I'm feeling pissed at myself that I allowed for him to inch his way back into my life to have a "friendship" with me and allowed him to continue to verbally ___ on me causing lots of emotions that just were not necessary. I'm trying so hard to enjoy a new opportunity that has happened in my life in the last month, but yet still keeping some odd connection with this man that led me on this crazy emotional rollercoaster. Constantly pushing me away when he decided and making me feel like we were broke up and done and then 3-4 days later reconciling our issues and moving forward. I never knew when he'd push me away but I started to see a pattern of every 3-4 months, some ___ would happen in his world that I had nothing to do with, and his response every time was to push me out. So finally I stood up and said no more and purposely moved so I wouldn't go back to him... .yet I'm pissed right now because this "friendship" was me allowing myself to "go back to him". I believe I've been through all of the other feelings I've read online where women feel like they can't move past their ex-BPD partner. I've already experienced those emotions in the past break-ups he caused. I am instead, feeling upset that I let this ass in and I'm also feeling fearful of him. In a sick way, he'd always threaten me if I'd ever do anything to hurt him (cheat on him, have sex with someone else, contact his children's mother, etc.) he'd blackmail me or release some dirty secret of mine that I had disclosed to him in confidence. He also threatened that he records at random all conversations, takes pictures of conversations etc. and he'd use those if needed. I am worried because I immediately stopped talking to him (as the articles I read suggested) he will sabotage me out of revenge and anger for me not giving him closure? I don't know I'm just fearful of him and his capabilities and I feel crazy because at the same time I think he can't harm me, I've done nothing wrong. But then in his twisted ___ed up mind, I have majorly done something wrong because I've "caused" (haha- I'm being sarcastic in my laughter), him to feel extremely insecure without me to poke and emotionally abuse... even though I'm the love of his life and "the best thing to ever happen to him", "the best and healthiest relationship he has ever had" and all this other bull___ he can't feel but fed me to make me feel a bond with him. All I can say is that I'm disappointed in myself, I'm frustrated that my brain is not stopping thinking about him. I know by now he has already resorted to drugs and alcohol to numb his feelings and probably already reached out to some to fulfill a sexual need he has to again numb his feelings. Which hurts me... .I don't know why? I should be rejoicing that I'm free from his control and terrible emotional distress he caused me... .and while I was for a short time feeling very relieved... I'm also missing him? Is this normal? Then I question, why am I missing someone who truly ___ed with every emotion I have as a pleasure or fulfillment for himself? Why did I ever imagine that I'd actually be able to be married to this individual and have a healthy relationship if I played by his rules (i.e. no conflicts and open/honest communication always). I'm a fool... .

[Harley Quinn]

Hi passthewine and welcome 

When I first got out of my BPD r/s I too felt like a fool.  That was because, when I took a step back from the drama and chaos and removed myself from that entirely, I was more able to see the big picture.  It all hit me like a train at full speed.  What you're looking at right now is a lot to take in all in one go, and of course when we see everything that happened it can make us feel foolish.  I remained LC (low contact) for a while after leaving my exBPDbf and needless to say it did not go well.  However, at the time, we were not being unintelligent in our actions.  In fact, perhaps possibly a little too emotionally intelligent.  By empathising with the other person's insecurities and seeing through the exterior behaviour to the emotional suffering underneath, we had already bonded on a deep level with this person and become caught in the FOG (fear obligation guilt).  This happens.  Don't knock yourself.  Especially that you see it now.

It sounds as though you had decided to self protect by ending the r/s and moving away, which is a courageous move on your part and he panicked about this due to his fear of abandonment.  Don't be surprised if there are further efforts from him to reconnect.  Now it is up to you to be firm on the boundaries on yourself.  Decide if he does get in touch how you will handle that.  Because you have the awareness that this r/s wasn't good for you on some level, enough for you to break up and move, my best advice is to recall what your reasons are and grow firm in your resolve.  Easier said than done sometimes when the heartstrings are being pulled. 

Be prepared for damage control if he does follow up on any of the threats - I'd suggest thinking worst case scenario so that nothing can cause you stress.  Does he have the ability to affect your life seriously, such as employment or anything that would legally affect you?  My ex made all kinds of threats and lied that about doing things that he couldn't possibly do.  My bank account has never been more secure as a result so no harm in that.   

Missing him is to be expected, and we go through stages where we remember only the good aspects of the r/s, and the dreams we shared for a future.  Unfortunately the future is unlikely to look like the dream, and we know that from our experiences in the past with this person.  As hard as it can be to let go of that dream, let go we must in order to detach and move on, and it hurts.  Try to acknowledge and accept the pain like one would a friend calling round for coffee at a bad time.  It will leave when it is ready, and more easily if we don't fight it. 

Meanwhile, I'd encourage you to read the articles to the right of the page, and take a look at the Lessons below them, as these are a great help in working through the healing process.  You may find that you have mixed emotions for some time, and jump around in your thought process.  Don't be alarmed.  A BPD r/s is like no other and takes some working through afterwards.  On the upside, we can learn a lot about ourselves at the same time and this can be a step towards a brighter more emotionally healthy future, which hopefully will lead to more sustainable relationships in time.

Love and light x