Hopeful for 2018 (sorry this is so long)

[Struggles]

I sit here, ready to just be done with the Christmas season.  I have taken down most everythihg Christmas except the tree itself.  I dread Christmas Day.  Christmas Eve is the day my husband and I always traditionally spend to ourselves watching movies, cooking and baking and exchanging presents.  I do enjoy that so much.  But Christmas Day will be another day Filled with anxiety.  We will be right next door to her and she will make an appearance.  It will be a heart beating fast, not know what to expect minute to minute filled day.

The first Christmas being NC with my MIL,, so what do I do if she gets me a present?  I absolutely do not want to accept a gift from her, and on the other hand I do not want to hurt my FILs feelings and decline.  Anything she has tried to send to us via other family members we have declined and have not accepted.  Should I take it and before we leave to go home leave it at her door?  I have all these questions running through my head on how to handle the situations as they may arise.

Thursday night we spent the night with family who lives next door.  She knew we were there as she saw us from afar multiple times.  Her and my FIL got into a huge arguement.  He left their house, and a few hours came to see us and spend some time with us.  She busted in the door, first time we had been in a close enough range for her to physically touch us since September.  We haven’t spoken to her since then either. 

She said hey to both my husband and I and neither one of us spoke a word back.  My husband just kept talking to his father as if she hadn’t come in.  She quickly left, and later told a family member she didn’t know we were there or she would have never interrupted.  Both of which are complete lies. 

Fast forward to yesterday, family Christmas party at one of the grandparents house.  We didn’t think she would show up because she usually doesn’t.  Boy were we wrong.  When she is uncomfortable in Any situation, she makes sure to act very confident like she owns the place, but she can only fake it for so long before you start to see her mood and facial expressions change.  She comes in, normal confident I own the place attitude.  Note: this is the First get together with family members who are not privy to what she’s done. 

My husband believes that she thought that we would act like everything was normal since we were around grandparents and certain other family members we only get to see once or twice a year. 

Well, we didn’t.  We stood our ground, and kept the NC with her.  Once she realized we still would not speak to her, her mood quickly changed and she kept walking in and out of the house no where to be found, and then eventually left without telling anyone. 

I just found out that I will more than likely be having surgery to make sure that what is going on isn’t breast cancer.  I have a Surgical consult next week.  I am in shock about this, I thought I’d have a mammogram and MRI and that would be it. 

With all this going on, my SIL who I am extremely close with has wanted so badly to confront her and say “do you see what you have done!  Anything can happen and you need to make this right!”  But she and I both know it will do no good.  And I do not want my MIL  to know what is going on with me and my health.  Even if the news didn’t turn out good, I do not want her to know. 

I am mainly typing all this out, because it is just a good outlet for me to type out my fears and feelings. 

I really hope that the beginning of 2018 can come with a sense of more peace, less drama and anxiety, and better health. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful Christmas and a very Happy New Year!

[Harri]

Hi Struggles. 

Remind yourself that you are already familiar with her play book.  Your MIL will be herself so expect her to act out in some way.   The good news is that you and your husband have already started changing how you interact with her and have done so very successfully.  You will be able to handle anything that may happen on Christmas.

One of the worst things you can do is feed your fear and anxiety.  Instead of allowing your mind to run free trying to figure out every possible scenario that may occur, tell yourself that you have this.  You have done it before and while some of the audience may be different, it will not change your decision to maintain NC and to not accept her bad behaviors.  I found that allowing myself to feel angry helped me to stand strong.  Not sure if that will help you or not, but find something that will help you say "No, she will not have me running and cringing in fear.  I will stand firm in myself and my values even if I may be scared and nervous."

Your MIL will be who she is.  Let her.  Continue to be the strong insightful, sensitive and respectful person you are... .even if that means getting good and angry.   

Re: your possible surgery, you are in my prayers. 

[Struggles]

Thank you for your reply Harri, you are absolutely right.  My husband tells me the same thing.  He says not to worry myself with the what if’s and take it as it comes. 

He is much more confident about this whole NC thing.  I have often gotten to those weak spots thinking “is it worth it?” And then have to allow myself to get angry again and remember why we did this in the first place.  He says he feels so at peace with it, and life is so much more peaceful.  Which I do agree to an extent, it is peaceful on a day to day basis, and only disrupted when we are at family events or visiting family that are close by, but that is something that will not change.  So is life! 

I think all of us are having to come to the fact that this is the new normal.  Because for so long it was go along to get along.

Thank you for your prayers on my possible surgery, I have a good feeling about it, but I am also a worry wart as I think we all know.   

[momisborderline]

I sit here, ready to just be done with the Christmas season.  I have taken down most everythihg Christmas except the tree itself.  I dread Christmas Day. 

I just found out that I will more than likely be having surgery to make sure that what is going on isn’t breast cancer.  I have a Surgical consult next week.  I am in shock about this, I thought I’d have a mammogram and MRI and that would be it. 

With all this going on, my SIL who I am extremely close with has wanted so badly to confront her and say “do you see what you have done!  Anything can happen and you need to make this right!”  But she and I both know it will do no good.  And I do not want my MIL  to know what is going on with me and my health.  Even if the news didn’t turn out good, I do not want her to know. 

I am mainly typing all this out, because it is just a good outlet for me to type out my fears and feelings. 

I really hope that the beginning of 2018 can come with a sense of more peace, less drama and anxiety, and better health. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful Christmas and a very Happy New Year!

Oh Struggles we really do go through these things at the same time. I had a mammogram and a breast MRI with contrast recently.  it turned out fine but I found myself thinking about my mom and how she didn't know any of this and how i some how wanted her to.  I hope you and your husband had a wonderful Xmas eve. and good luck for tomorrow.  write us and let us know how it goes.

[Struggles]

Merry Christmas Momisborderline!  I am so glad everything turned out good with your mammogram and MRI!  I am praying there will be other options besides surgery, but I feel if they are sending me to a surgeon that is probably where it’s headed.  Thank you for your well wishes, we are heading out now to go see the family.  Again, I hope you have a very Merry Christmas! 

[Struggles]

Well we made it, Christmas is officially behind all of us and we don’t have to worry about it for another year . 

She made 2 appearances.  One to fix herself a plate and go back home.  And one to show up and see if we would say thank you for the gifts she sent through my FIL.  We didn’t.  We thanked him. 

The Christmas cards that were given to the other siblings and their wives were together, one card addressed to both “Irene and Bobby” (fake names).  Ours were written out seperately.  One card to him, one to me.  She professed her love for him in his, and mine also said she loved me. 

It’s really hard to believe someone that does the things she has done can love the people she is doing it too.  We have very different definitions of love. 

She spent little time with the grandkids, And hurt one of them by degrading them.  Sending my niece to cry, and she didn’t tell us why she was crying until that night.

Then we started having visitors that we normally don’t have on Christmas Day.  Finding out she was telling everyone my husband was there and they better go see him because he’s not going to come visit them.  Which was true for some, but not true for the grandparents. 

We were actually about to leave and go visit his grandmother when she came over.  This is his moms mother.  She started talking about how his mom needs help, and she has begged her to get some.  She said my FIL is going through hell with what she is doing.  She said that she came to her house and cried when the doctors released her from their care and wouldn’t give her any more pills, and said she had been ordering pills online.  We told his grandmother that was nothing new, that earlier this year what she had said to me about ordering “supplements” online and when she told me what it was that I looked it up.  We told his grandmother that it was an extremely dangerous drug and can end up killing her and that I had told her it wasn’t a supplement and to never take those again. 

We now know for sure that she knew all along that it wasn’t a supplement and has still been taking them.  Which we suspected all along. 

His grandmother then started crying and said she seemed a little better, and asked me to forgive her the best I could.  As respectfully as possible, I told her that someone has to apologize to be forgiven for what they have done.  She said she knew.  I hugged her for a long time and told her not to cry, and not to worry. 

It’s so heartbreaking to see from my MILs parents how badly they worry about her. 

I forgive, only because forgiveness is for me and my healing.  But, that doesn’t mean I have to have anything to do with that person who refuses to change. 

I just find it incredibly sad that she cried over not being able to get pills from the doctor, but is perfectly fine with what she has done to the family and not speaking to her son.  I say that she is perfectly fine with it because she has stated so several times. 

Needless to say, Christmas was an enlightening, and emotionally draining day.  When my head finally hit the pillow I was a goner.  How did everyones Christmas go?

[momisborderline]

Well we made it, Christmas is officially behind all of us and we don’t have to worry about it for another year . 
 

I forgive, only because forgiveness is for me and my healing.  But, that doesn’t mean I have to have anything to do with that person who refuses to change. 

I just find it incredibly sad that she cried over not being able to get pills from the doctor, but is perfectly fine with what she has done to the family and not speaking to her son.  I say that she is perfectly fine with it because she has stated so several times. 

Needless to say, Christmas was an enlightening, and emotionally draining day.  When my head finally hit the pillow I was a goner.  How did everyones Christmas go?

Hi Struggles    glad to hear you made it through Christmas. Wow what a story, it does sound emotionally draining, and I'm not at all surprised you hit the pillow and were out like a light! Sometimes sleep is really the best medicine! I can really relate to your comment about how sad it is that she cries about not being able to get pills (which could kill her) but is fine not speaking to her son, I guess we have no choice but to take them at their word. And then to write in the card that she loves you... .such a strange definition of love. I think you sound very brave, having two interactions with her and overall such stressful interactions all around.

I really related to what you wrote about  forgiveness is for you and your healing but it doesn't mean you have to have anything to do with the person who won't change.  That's such an important lesson that I need to learn. I'm so new to the NC with my mom and the hurt and anger and I will need to find a way to forgive her but I've been holding off on that b/c I mistakenly think it means that if I forgive her we have to go back to the relationship we had. And I just can't do that.

So overall my Christmas was very nice, my mom did leave a vm which I made my gf listen to, apparently it was a short and sweet "thinking of you, love you merry xmas" voicemail. Which in some ways made me much sadder. It's easier to be angry at her than to be sad but I guess it's all part of the process. I think I'll probably write a post on the board about it but wanted to give you a quick answer and just say I'm glad you made it through and am wishing you a 2018 filled with peace and joy.