Did my girlfriend have BPD?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all,

I am a guy the end of this twenties - and my life has been so far so good. Extroverted, Open Minded with goals and basically I was most of the time a happy guy. I have been in a relationship with a really beautiful women, 2 years older than me. Unfortunately, we broke up, which put me into a high crisis - In my life, previous relationships also failed but I never felt so much devasted, full of guilt and long time depressed.

The relationship was never easy and in the end I felt guilt that the relationship ended although I tried my best as far as I could. Already after three months I recognized that something was wrong with her but I ignored here - due to her loveliness and beauty. Now I suppose that she might have had a mild form of Borderline. I am aware, that a remote diagnostic is difficult but maybe you can give me a hint whether I am on the right direction. I just can not finish this chaper of my life...

- She grew up in a terrible parenthood. Her father was a bully and punished her for each small mistake she did. Her mother left her and hates her father extremly.
- She was extremly clingy. We moved together after 2 months after the relationship and rented my appartment.
- Extremly jealous and latent paranoia whenever I was talking to other girls or having female friends ('Why do you have so many female friends? No guy has just female friends!'
- Huge fears of abandoment and rejection
- Easily got angered over small things i.e. me coming 10 minutes too late to pick her up somewhere
- Controlling behaviour => Wanted to check up my phone several times and asked for my e-mail / computer passwords
- Has - almost invisible - cuts on her right arm but never cutted or burned herself during the relationship
- Mood swings between good, slightly depressed, depressed and cuddle mood
- Never slept when I have been a night out
- Always making drama - I seldom had the impression that things stayed calm for a longer time even when things were good
- No outside hobbies or something she enjoyed to do on her own
- Was not having many friends and met them in 1.5 years maybe for 6-7 times
- Expected me also to be at home and not going out. When I went out, I got a drama scene after coming home.
- The amount of attention was never enough although we were living in one room for 1 year (Quote: You live me with me but it is like that you are almost invisible for me) although I spend each day a 6-8 hours studying and the rest of the time I spent with her. Still not enough.
- Liked extremly sex like bondage, slapping her face etc.
- Always wanted to keep in touch even when we have been apart
- I got invited from a company to stay 6 days in the United States for an event. She told me if I would go there, she would cut off the relationship
- In many times I felt exhausted, especially afer the drama. I can not remember even one week without a short drama session
- I had the impression I have to live two lifes - managing my own life and hers
- On one evening we argued a lot and in the next morning everything was fine again.
- Making me feel guilt
- Reckless driving on highways but no drugs

On the other hand: She never projected attitudes like spitting i.e. hating me one day and loving me the next day out of no reason. More or less she always found something she could complain and use as a trigger (i.e. I ate her cornflakes or something like that)

One day she had to move to another city, about 4 hours away from our place. In this long distance relationship, the drama really kicked in. Whenever I was going out, she was freaking out. At the end, she ended the relationship and I felt like I was dying. Almost no friends anymore and this kind of feeling of loneliness. No evening calls, no text messages. I could not bear the silent anymore. I felt like I did not know whom I was anymore.

So the question is: Are these signs indicators of a borderline personality?

[SubZer0]

Hello all,

I am a guy the end of this twenties - and my life has been so far so good. Extroverted, Open Minded with goals and basically I was most of the time a happy guy. I have been in a relationship with a really beautiful women, 2 years older than me. Unfortunately, we broke up, which put me into a high crisis - In my life, previous relationships also failed but I never felt so much devasted, full of guilt and long time depressed.

The relationship was never easy and in the end I felt guilt that the relationship ended although I tried my best as far as I could. Already after three months I recognized that something was wrong with her but I ignored here - due to her loveliness and beauty. Now I suppose that she might have had a mild form of Borderline. I am aware, that a remote diagnostic is difficult but maybe you can give me a hint whether I am on the right direction. I just can not finish this chaper of my life...

- She grew up in a terrible parenthood. Her father was a bully and punished her for each small mistake she did. Her mother left her and hates her father extremly.
- She was extremly clingy. We moved together after 2 months after the relationship and rented my appartment.
- Extremly jealous and latent paranoia whenever I was talking to other girls or having female friends ('Why do you have so many female friends? No guy has just female friends!'
- Huge fears of abandoment and rejection
- Easily got angered over small things i.e. me coming 10 minutes too late to pick her up somewhere
- Controlling behaviour => Wanted to check up my phone several times and asked for my e-mail / computer passwords
- Has - almost invisible - cuts on her right arm but never cutted or burned herself during the relationship
- Mood swings between good, slightly depressed, depressed and cuddle mood
- Never slept when I have been a night out
- Always making drama - I seldom had the impression that things stayed calm for a longer time even when things were good
- No outside hobbies or something she enjoyed to do on her own
- Was not having many friends and met them in 1.5 years maybe for 6-7 times
- Expected me also to be at home and not going out. When I went out, I got a drama scene after coming home.
- The amount of attention was never enough although we were living in one room for 1 year (Quote: You live me with me but it is like that you are almost invisible for me) although I spend each day a 6-8 hours studying and the rest of the time I spent with her. Still not enough.
- Liked extremly sex like bondage, slapping her face etc.
- Always wanted to keep in touch even when we have been apart
- I got invited from a company to stay 6 days in the United States for an event. She told me if I would go there, she would cut off the relationship
- In many times I felt exhausted, especially afer the drama. I can not remember even one week without a short drama session
- I had the impression I have to live two lifes - managing my own life and hers
- On one evening we argued a lot and in the next morning everything was fine again.
- Making me feel guilt
- Reckless driving on highways but no drugs

On the other hand: She never projected attitudes like spitting i.e. hating me one day and loving me the next day out of no reason. More or less she always found something she could complain and use as a trigger (i.e. I ate her cornflakes or something like that)

One day she had to move to another city, about 4 hours away from our place. In this long distance relationship, the drama really kicked in. Whenever I was going out, she was freaking out. At the end, she ended the relationship and I felt like I was dying. Almost no friends anymore and this kind of feeling of loneliness. No evening calls, no text messages. I could not bear the silent anymore. I felt like I did not know whom I was anymore.

So the question is: Are these signs indicators of a borderline personality?

[ynwa]

Hi There SubZero,   I am sorry you had to go through it with that person, it sounds rough.   I also see that you are trying to realize what happened and perhaps taking steps to let yourself move away and forward from the experience.

You described someone who is obviously unstable and driven by emotions.  It would be very hard and you really should not just LABEL someone as something.  Does that make sense?

Relationships end.  And we process why and how.   I think you can see WHY you would not want to continue, and there is nothing wrong with that. 

If I can ask, is it because you may feel responsible? Not that you caused it, but maybe because you feel like you might be able to help her?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi SubZer0,

Welcome to the board    Sorry to hear you've been feeling as you describe.    How long has it been since she ended things?  Although we cannot diagnose here, it certainly sounds like she has demonstrated some traits of BPD.  After such a drama filled r/s, we can feel the weight of the silence and assessing what we have left of ourselves.  This type of dysfunction that you describe can be all consuming and normality in contrast can feel empty.  I can empathise, as can many if not most people here.  How are you feeling now?  Bear in mind, it's normal to have mixed emotions for some time and you will find that it can take considerably longer to recover than from a regular breakup.  We are here to support you and can assure you that things do get better.  :)etaching and healing healthily take time and although it's tough, the journey is one well worth taking in order to help avoid dysfunction in future relationships.  I'd encourage you to take a look at the Lessons and read others' posts to see that you are far from alone.      

It sounds like you became somewhat isolated, which I can relate to.  It's great that you decided to post, as this community can understand what you have been through and how it impacts us afterwards.  One of the things I did to begin my healing was to reach out and reconnect with friends and family whom I had pushed away during the r/s.  Are the remaining friends you have supportive and aware of what you've been through?  It can be hard to gain understanding from others who haven't had this type of experience, so don't be disheartened if they are unable to grasp the way in which this affects you.  Posting here will help to get things off your chest.

I'll look forward to hearing more from you.  Hang in there.

Love and light x      

[SubZer0]

Hello ynwa,
hello Harley,

first of all: Thanks a lot for the replies. The break up took place already 14 months ago, in October 2016. The first 3 months I really felt devastated. I could hardly sleep nor eat. Today I am going better but still - I am feeling somehow, that I need explanations for the questions I have.

@ynwa: That is excatly the point - I am still feeling responsible for her and that I have the urge to help her. I mean I cared for her needs for 1 1/2 year.

@Harley: I am still feeling sad - especially that after the break up, it did not even take her 1 1/2 week to date the next guy.


I was nevery some kind of clingy or jealous guy. And if a relationship broke up, I just switched to another girl.
But this time, it is different - If I read the posts of many guys here after a BPD break up, I think that I could have written the same text. The 1 1/2 year we have been couple and I focused to get my life forward as well as hers. I have the feeling that during the relationshp I shifted my personality to avoid to hit any trigger. Besides my studies, she was all over consuming. There were many moments when I waned to leave as I felt like in a prison and you know... .

... .I was happy when she moved to another city. I loved her yes, but I felt like I can breath for a bit, going out spontanously, having time on my own. But anyway, she demanded to call her every day, not going out with friends ("if you can go out with friends, you could also visit me! My well-being has to be prioty 1".

I never could imagine myself getting stuck in such a situation. But when she finally broke off, I felt like I was dying. Never felt such emotions.

I am always asking myself: If she stayed here, how would my life kept on going ?
Or how would life be I would have followed her into the new city?