Interrogations

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm sorry im posting so much... .I am just so triggered I need to write these things out so I know I'm not crazy.
Did your BPD interrogate you. My mom would call me in her "good mood" voice and have me sit in a chair... .she usually waited when I would have no suspicions... .when I would be in a carefree mood... .After many years of this I learned to stop being in a good mood because it would make her want to do this.

She and her boyfriend would give long monologues on "loyalty" and "enemies" and what happens to people who aren't "loyal" to their mothers. He would get in my face and unite his eyebrows and the words were seething out of his mouth "LOYALTY!... .is ... the most... .IMPORTANT... .and is how you can tell evil from good"

I would start searching my head... .They would get bored and start making up scenarios or make scenarios where the rag was to the left on the sink ( he liked it in a specific position) and then they would say People who put rags to the left! its an act of rebellion and it may seem simple but I see through it! and they would lock eyes with me and my mother would nod her head... .Then scoff "hah she wont understand... .inherently dishonest people couldn't understand"

and it would go on and on with these imaginary transgressions and sins I committed until I admitted to something and I just sat there defeated crying... .and then they would mock my crying saying I am manipulating with tears because I wont accept my responsibilities... .

I wanted desperately to be good and not like them and I said No I am good... .and then the laughing, mockery... .the mental numbness would begin in my head but I couldn't even dissociate... .because that might get me in more trouble for not being attentively listening... .

Did your BPD put you through seemingly inescapable interrogations? How has it affected you? I find I constantly start to go down this list of things constantly in my head before I do anything.

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

I'm sorry im posting so much... .I am just so triggered I need to write these things out so I know I'm not crazy.
Did your BPD interrogate you. My mom would call me in her "good mood" voice and have me sit in a chair... .she usually waited when I would have no suspicions... .when I would be in a carefree mood... .After many years of this I learned to stop being in a good mood because it would make her want to do this.

She and her boyfriend would give long monologues on "loyalty" and "enemies" and what happens to people who aren't "loyal" to their mothers. He would get in my face and unite his eyebrows and the words were seething out of his mouth "LOYALTY!... .is ... the most... .IMPORTANT... .and is how you can tell evil from good"

I would start searching my head... .They would get bored and start making up scenarios or make scenarios where the rag was to the left on the sink ( he liked it in a specific position) and then they would say People who put rags to the left! its an act of rebellion and it may seem simple but I see through it! and they would lock eyes with me and my mother would nod her head... .Then scoff "hah she wont understand... .inherently dishonest people couldn't understand"

and it would go on and on with these imaginary transgressions and sins I committed until I admitted to something and I just sat there defeated crying... .and then they would mock my crying saying I am manipulating with tears because I wont accept my responsibilities... .

I wanted desperately to be good and not like them and I said No I am good... .and then the laughing, mockery... .the mental numbness would begin in my head but I couldn't even dissociate... .because that might get me in more trouble for not being attentively listening... .

Did your BPD put you through seemingly inescapable interrogations? How has it affected you? I find I constantly start to go down this list of things constantly in my head before I do anything.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Don'tGiveUpOnMe!   

(And just for the record, I'm not going to give up on you.  )

You are worth celebrating! Please tell yourself that! For having survived such cruelty as was dished out to you, you need extra hugs   and kindness and love  . You are resiliant!    Just hearing about such treatment to a child makes the mother bear in me start to growl with anger... .or rather I mean mother llama!  They do like to spit when angry!

Are you in T? How long have you been on this journey of discovery and healing?

Let me tell you about a safe place that you can take your inner child to when this triggering memory or one like it comes up. (How old were you btw, when such 'conversations' took place?)

Imagine a place where no one but you can go in. For me, it is a room like a vault, with a door that locks from the inside and the only one who can go in to the room is me and whoever I invite. Often I invite Jesus to come in with me, and I take my Little Wools in there. She is 5 years old, or maybe I also need to take in my other inner kids who are 10, 15, and 19 years old. My current self (who of course is forever 29  ) needs to go in there too sometimes. No one can come in if I don't want them too, and I have never allowed my uBPDm in there because she is/was not safe. When my inner kids are triggered in the present, this is where I go to let them know they are safe. Sometimes I can imagine I hear my uBPDm shaking and beating on the door to my safe room but she can never get in. That is how I walk through the scary places that the memories bring. You can stay there as llong as you like.

I'm also going to bump up a thread for you to read by Pete Walker regarding dealing with emotional triggers. It has been immensely helpful to me.

What do you think about reaching out to your inner kids to keep them safe?

  
Wools

[GeekyGirl]

Hey DontGiveUpOnMe,

To answer your question: yes, my mother would ask a lot of questions and often pry (read my diaries, listen in on conversations). The lack of privacy is irritating at best, and very harmful at worst. Is this ongoing now, or something that you're reliving as an adult?

Wools has asked some fantastic questions and made a good suggestion--you need a safe place to really dig into these feelings that have been stirred up. T is a perfect place for that. I also find that journaling, taking care of myself through exercise and creative outlets, and having that conversation with my younger self helps. It's important to remember the trauma, but to move past it, you have to be able to work through those triggered feelings. I know it's hard. 

If you're feeling triggered right now, what's one small thing that you can do to feel better?

Here's hoping that 2018 brings you peace and the answers you're seeking.

[Harri]

Hi.  Yeah, I used to be interrogated like you.  Usually in the middle of the night my mother would come in and try to get me to talk in my sleep or she would wake me up, her hands on either side of me, trapping me while asking her questions. 

How did it effect me?  Other than not being able to sleep with another person and waking up when others are in my home, it made me adopt JADE before I even learned when I got here that it is used as a way to reduce conflict with difficult people.  To me, not justifying, defending or explaining is a matter or protecting my dignity and self.  I beg for nothing from no one.  I don't give a fig about not triggering or invalidating someone who is acting abusively, but I will not degrade myself by getting defensive... .errrmmm... .at least not knowingly.

[Turkish]

You sound trapped by them.  We have a discussion on this which might help:

Family systems--understanding the narcissistic family

It's a favourite discussion of mine.  I ran into this with my ex's family.