Having a 7-month-old definitely complicates this

[aeronaut]

hey there,

i've been in a relationship with someone i am only now beginning to understand may have BPD;
we were long-distance on and off for many years, and i thought his sudden & volcanic anger episodes were somehow more related to certain circumstances related to the distance.
i also know he can get very depressed, so i thought maybe it was mostly depression with some anger management issues.

in the last year that we've finally been living together again and not long distance --
and especially since our daughter (and only child) was born seven months ago --
things have become much worse.

(since this post is so lengthy,
i'll just insert here that what i'm looking for is advice, support, strategies, and also just community and fellowship around this;
i've felt very alone and scared and don't know what to do.)
 
the episodes are triggered by what (from my perspective) seem like absurdly benign statements or questions --
things are fine and then suddenly they're nightmarish.
he'll say that i treat him terribly/like garbage, that i don't love him or support him, that i am trying to destroy his brain, that i have destroyed his life, that he hates me and i've made him hate his life, that things are over;
he'll bring up things from years ago, and will insist that i was thinking or intending something i didn't actually say;
he'll accuse me of doing the things he's doing (he'll say i'm the one getting angry);
he'll hit himself repeatedly, and will very often get on the floor and writhe around screaming, and in front of our daughter if she's there;
even when i leave the room (sometimes to remove my daughter from the room, but in general to give him space, thinking that will help)
he'll continue to yell and scream at me for an extended period of time;
he'll often then begin sobbing and pleading with me to leave or get out.
and after these rage moments, he won't speak to me for hours or sometimes days after.

(on a more general, everyday level, there's a lot of blaming, criticism, and lecturing;
but that feels more manageable than the fights.)

there are times i react and get upset myself, which of course only escalates things and makes things worse.
but i have been trying to not do that, and the last several months i've been more successful in remaining calmer.
i've been trying to stay focused on helping him feel supported and loved and make sure he knows that
but it doesn't stop these things from happening
and it feels like the episodes have been happening with increasing frequency.

i've known that he's depressed and suffering but it was only recently that someone who heard about some of the behavior suggested to me that i read up on BPD a bit.

i read that we're not supposed to use the board to complain and i don't mean to do that;
i was just trying to offer some overall description for context,
since i'm interested in what strategies i can use to improve things.

right now i don't think he would agree to therapy
(i would certainly never float the idea of BPD with him.)

i would love to get him to read the high conflict couple together,
or watch videos on certain strategies together,
but i can't imagine i could ever get him to agree to any of this;
right now he very much seems to view me as an adversary, a hostile force.
he often says things are over between us, and in those moments it seems like that would be a good idea.
and actually every time this happens it feels like yeah, this time it really is over.

but having a 7-month-old definitely complicates this, of course.

so anyway, thanks for reading this lengthy first post (it was actually substantially longer but i've cut some of it) --
i think hearing/reading any words of encouragement or support would be useful
as well as any strategies or suggestions or advice for how i might at least cope and/or not make things worse
but i really would love to make things better
i would love to be able to make him feel loved and supported
but i do feel so hopeless at times because it seems that no matter what i say or do or think
he hears/sees me in this warped way where i'm saying and doing and thinking horrible things to or about him.

thanks in advance for any wisdom or thoughts.

and happy new year to all of you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

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read that we're not supposed to use the board to complain and i don't mean to do that;
i was just trying to offer some overall description for context,
since i'm interested in what strategies i can use to improve things.

One of the best things is to problem solve her as situation arise. Can you tell us a situation that happened recently?

[pearlsw]

Hi aeronaut,

Sorry your post wasn't responded to sooner! I think many of us can relate to things you've stated though! While I do not have children with my partner I do share some of your other issues. It can be confusing and difficult to constantly be told you are not wanted, these horrible countless breakup threats.

I didn't recognize my partner's BPD traits at the beginning either and chalked it all up to other things that I thought would ease up with time. In fact, things have tended to get harder and harder but some of this was my own doing after years of this kind of treatment. I just had no idea why in the heck he was breaking up with me so much, and I got tired of him, seemingly, having all the say and turning things off and on like a light switch, etc.

Have you had a chance yet to try any of the communication techniques here? Learning how to validate and how not to JADE are real lifesavers for any relationship and can cut down problems significantly. I think it is important to always remember that despite all we may have in common, our situations and partners are still unique. Also a technique that might work one day, might not the next, or one thing that works with my guy, might not work for yours. It takes some trial and error, but it will be a "practice" of sorts, there are not perfect solutions. But if you are up for it I highly encourage you to try!

You mention he might not be interested but I wonder how might he react if you told him you wanted to make your own improvements too? Would he then perhaps get interested in a video or book that you could share together? Just a thought.

wishing you well, pearlsw.