ex and her BPD sister have mentioned the idea of a double suicide

[Nass11er]

I broke up with my BPDexgf 2 months ago. Ever since then I’ve regretted the decision and tried getting back with her on multiple occasions. She rejected me or said she’s unsure each time, and it was back and forth between me going NC to recover from the breakup, then coming back into contact for a week or two, and so on and so forth. 2 weeks ago was the last I contacted her. We said our goodbyes and I promised to be back when I can move on and see her as just a friend. We ended it on a high note, and didn’t have a problem with one another.

A week later I received a text from her saying she just wants to update me on her life, and that her mom disowned her and her BPD sister, and now they’re living with their Aunt. I didn’t block her or delete her from social media during this NC, I simply didn’t initiate contact with her.

On New Year’s Day I was looking at her snaps, and saw that she was back home, and that she went to a party and seemed to be in a good mood. At around 11:30 PM I got a text from her saying that she took 5 pills of Zolinda, 5 Prozac, and 6 Tergratol all in one go, and she followed that with another text where she simply said I love you and goodbye. I only read the texts half an hour later and when I replied, her phone was off and my texts wouldn’t get to her. I then texted her BPD sister, and her phone was off as well. I started worrying so I texted her eldest sister, and asked her about my ex, she said nothing bad happened, if anything does she’ll tell me, but she’d rather not discuss the topic of my ex any further (they had a huge fight). I chilled out a little after hearing that, but then two days later my ex opened her phone read my texts, didn’t respond, and her phone is off again.

 What’s worrying me the most is that my ex and her BPD sister have mentioned the idea of a double suicide before. Towards the end of my relationship with my ex she started developing a drug addiction, which played a role in our breakup. Her sister had one for awhile before, and after breaking up they admitted that it helps them mask the pain, and if they were ever to get caught or if they couldn’t continue doing drugs, then they’ll both take their lives together.

I’m extremely worried right now, and the worry is taking over my life. The evidence I have of her being ok, is that her phone was opened briefly when she read my texts, and that her eldest sister told me nothing bad happened. The evidence I have of her not being ok is that she’s mentioned a double suicide with her sister before, both their phones are off, and she’s attempted suicide before. Her phone being on and my messages read could’ve been done by someone else had she committed suicide, and her eldest sister told me nothing bad happened 30 minutes after my ex texted me, and they weren’t at the same place so I am wondering how she managed to know that nothing bad happened in such a short period. Maybe she’s just trying to calm me down, not make a big deal.

Aaaaaaaah, I don’t know anymore the worrying is killing me. I would never be able to deal with something bad happening to her, especially not death. I used to get depressed after a week of NC, I can’t deal with not having her in my life forever. I love her more than life itself, and I just want to know for sure that she’s ok, nothing more nothing less. The fear and worry is eating me up, I can’t think about anything else and I’m spending my days in a constant state of anxiety, jumping in anticipation whenever my phone rings. I can’t deal with this anymore.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pencil sketch]

I can hear the pain in your voice. You have done all you can, and as usual, we are the ones left in limbo. If she read your message, and didn't respond, she knows how that will affect you.
Try and concentrate on yourself, the relevant people are aware of the situation, I am more concerned about you. This process is completely hideous, and all I can do is offer my support.
Stay strong xxx

[Nass11er]

I can hear the pain in your voice. You have done all you can, and as usual, we are the ones left in limbo. If she read your message, and didn't respond, she knows how that will affect you.
Try and concentrate on yourself, the relevant people are aware of the situation, I am more concerned about you. This process is completely hideous, and all I can do is offer my support.
Stay strong xxx

I appreciate the support. My initial worry was her rejection of me and her refusing to give the relationship another chance. That is trivial in comparison to the current situation. I’m going through everyday in absolute pain and fear like nothing I’ve ever felt. All I care about now is making sure she’s alive and well, but the fear of her being dead is making me lose my composure and sanity.

Right now I don’t care if she rejects me forever, I just want to know for sure that she’s ok. The evidence I have of her being ok is not enough to keep me calm.

[Meili]

Any update? Have you heard from her or about her safety?

[Nass11er]

Any update? Have you heard from her or about her safety?

Yeah, she texted me yesterday. She was in the hospital for two days, then in jail for the rest. She’s ok now thankfully.

[Meili]

It's good to know that she's safe.

What is your plan from here?

[Nass11er]

It's good to know that she's safe.

What is your plan from here?

I probably shouldn't associate myself with her anymore. I provided her with as much care as I possibly can. She was seriously depressed after all that happened, so I gave her emotional support, but then she told me about her having a crush on some guy (4th different guy after we broke up 2 months ago). I can't and won't accept this status. She comes to me when she's depressed and needs someone to make her feel better, and she goes to other guys, shares intimate moments, and develops crushes after I give her the care she needs. I was worried about her safety, thank god she's safe, but I was just reminded why I can't have her as a part of my life. The reason is simple really, whenever she is a part of it, she finds ways of hurting me and/or making me feel inferior. She said that I wasn't adventurous enough, understanding enough, (insert any quality) enough. I'm done with being not enough, I'll find someone who'll think of me as enough, and I'll leave her to find someone who's enough for her, but I can't continue being her shoulder to cry on, when other guys are her infatuation.

[Meili]

It's good that you are finding the strength to say "no more" no matter what you decide to do and which direction you decide to take.

My personal opinion is that you don't need to find anyone who thinks that you are good enough, you can do that all on your own. I do realize how easy that is to say and that living it is totally different. The "good enough" stuff was and still is my main struggle.

Please keep us posted about your progress either here or on the Detaching boards.

[Nass11er]

It's good that you are finding the strength to say "no more" no matter what you decide to do and which direction you decide to take.

My personal opinion is that you don't need to find anyone who thinks that you are good enough, you can do that all on your own. I do realize how easy that is to say and that living it is totally different. The "good enough" stuff was and still is my main struggle.

Please keep us posted about your progress either here or on the Detaching boards.

Will do, and thanks for the support. I texted her today and told her exactly what I said in my previous post, I told her that I can't be around and have her as a part of my life, because of how much she means and the strong intimate bond we shared in the relationship, and because she's crushing on whatever has a dick, and every other day I'm hearing about how cute/perfect/nice/cool/fun this random guy she met a week ago at a crackhouse is, and how she feels a connection with him, moments after telling me how helpful I've been and how great and important of a person I am to her. Only for the random douche she likes to be replaced with another random douche when she realizes these people don't care about her half as much  as I do. So she comes back to me after getting rejected, starts contacting me, telling me I'm great and nice and she still loves me just so I can make her feel good about herself, until she feels fine enough to reject me and go develop a crush on another douche at a party. I can't deal with these lies, contradictions, and push/pull games anymore. They wear me out, depress me, make me feel weak and worthless, and delay my recovery. After telling her this, she said "don't worry, you're never hearing from me again". Although I highly doubt that.