parent died, BPD sibling angry, will issues

[Yellowball]

My parent recently died, and my sibling has been furious at me for many (every) reasons. She is not diagnosed. She is threatening to sue my executor step-parent, exhume body, etc. I know I cannot stop her anger, but I am worried she will ruin relationships with the rest of the family, our nephews, etc. and I don't trust her in my parent's home right now. I understand she is ill, but I am still terrified she will see this because her attacks are so convincing... .Dead parent helped me set boundaries. Right now it is extremely difficult for me to set boundaries. Maybe keeping her ire focused on me will keep it off the rest of the family? Is that ridiculous? Would greatly appreciate advice.

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you with the loss of your parent and having your sibling treating you so badly.  I have many borderline relatives who treat me and others badly for no apparent reason. What has worked for me is to set better boundaries with the abusive members of my family. I would recommend you learn as much as you can about setting healthy boundaries with borderlines in any kind of relationship. I realize you are not going thru a divorce, yet I find what I have read about dealing with high conflict divorces very helpful.

[Notwendy]

Maybe keeping her ire focused on me will keep it off the rest of the family? Is that ridiculous?

I had that idea too, but I don't recommend it.  When my father was ill, I set boundaries with my BPD mother- and she was angry at me.  I noticed that my parents seemed to get along better when they both were angry at someone else. So I rationalized that at least they had some peaceful time together.

But that was still being in rescue mode. Read up on the drama triangle. These are the predominant roles in my family and many dysfunctional families. I had taken on either the rescuer mode ( helping) or persecutor mode while BPD mother took victim perspective.

With lots of work on co-dependency I realized the difference between helping, enabling and rescuing. It was a joy to help my father- I would make him something to eat, or run errands for him. It was not my responsibility to be an emotional caretaker to my BPD mother, or tolerate her abuse. I am allowed to have boundaries.

Yet, others have their rights to make choices as well. My parents could choose to be angry at me, say and do what they want, whether I liked it or not.

What I knew as my family changed after my father passed away.  This was sad, but each member is an adult and makes their own choices. My mother painted me black to her relatives and they chose to believe her. All I could do was decide how I could deal with that.

I am sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is very hard. You are grieving. PwBPD have difficulty handling strong emotions. They project them. My mother was off the wall during this time. I can only imagine that she was hurting a lot , as her behaviors were very hurtful. Your sister is also hurting- and so she is probably acting out. However, this doesn't mean we accept being treated poorly- we can have boundaries.

I hope your sister doesn't ruin relationships in your family, but keep in mind that the other members have choices too. I cried a lot when I "lost" the family members on my mother's side, but I also had to accept that- they chose to believe my mother. I didn't say anything to them as I realized it would be a her word or my word thing and I didn't want to do that. They are intelligent people who know us both- and they could make their own decisions. However, I have other family members and friends who can be family to me.

IMHO, it is better to keep my boundaries than to try to be a peacemaker . Take care of yourself at this time. It is a difficult and stressful adjustment for any family and one with dysfunction is a challenge.

[Yellowball]

Thank you so much for replying, and for your excellent advice. I just found this message board, and am so relieved. It is amazing to me that so many of us have had similar experiences.