Borderline Mother

[CurlyCharli]

Hello, I'm quite certain my mother is borderline. I'm in the process of reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and honestly, I'm feeling bitter about having to be the one who makes the changes. I've just started Part 2.  I'm 41 years old and so weary. At the moment we aren't speaking because I just can't take anymore. I do understand why she is the way she is. I go back and forth with the idea of making amends, but each day we don't speak, my peace grows. I know cutting her off isn't the answer but my desire to have a relationship with her is dying.

[Turkish]

What resulted in the latest blow up and whose choice was it to go radio silent this time?

[HappyChappy]

Hey CurlyCharli,

It is a lot to take in when becoming aware of BPD. It took me a while to assimilate. You say you just can’t take any more, I think that is what brings most of us to this forum. As odd as the BPD thing is, their behaviour is remarkably similar, so if you recount your concerns or childhood memories, you will probably find plenty on this forum that will validate that. Welcome to the forum and I look forward to hearing what’s concerning you the most.
 

[Penny123]

Hello,
I have on and off silent times with my BPD Mom too. She was diagnosed 20 years and is 73 yrs old. Unfortunately, age hasn't made things any better for her. Our relationship is pretty low and I've contemplated stopping our contact. I don't even know if that is doable because she wouldn't abide by it.                                                                                                                                           Financially, she is in bad shape and I'm going to help her big time with the car note. She bought this car she can't afford and didn't use her savings to pay it off and now, she doesn't have the savings. I urged her not to buy this expensive car and when she did, I urged her to pay it off.                                                                                                                                        Our relationship is awful and she struggles so much with her mental health, occasionally her physical health, and financially.  I sometimes wish God would take her to be with him. People outside the family don't see this and expect me to jump in and always assist. I've begin to tell people that I'm just a visitor in my Mom's life and I've setup boundaries. Boundaries help but not all the way. I have told my Mom I have thought about cutting off communication. She tells me to let her know when it reaches that point but it hasn't completely.  She has no one of quality to really turn to in her local area. I live 6 hours away.                                                                                                                                                                                                                       You are not alone on how you feel. I feel this weekly. Stay strong.                  

[stellaris]

I get this, it's been 22 years since I first broke contact, but here's the thing.  >I< didn't break contact.  I just stopped contacting her, and set minimum standards for my expectations in the relationship.  She never reached out, never acknowledged that she might have had any responsibility for the problems.

On her.

[Penny123]

Stellaris, that's interesting. It's a non-drama way of doing things and I'm happy for you and sad too that you haven't had any contact for 22 years.                                                                                    My mother constantly reaches out to me esp via text. I try only to reach out every Saturday (I call to talk for 30 minutes to an hour) but some of her texts are provoking. This was my boundary to only talk with her weekly on Saturdays. The conversation goes contentious alot and she usually hangs up on me.                                                                                                                         When she texts or even on our Saturday calls, it's drama - needs money, doing crazy things, complaining about things, or she doesn't make sense at all (either a medical problem or she sounds drugged on klonopin/narco).                                                                                                                               I try to go without contacting her and there are silent times where she is really mad at me but she will always reach out to me. She will not stop reaching out to me. I would have to do something drastic, like changing my home phone or cell number which would be dramatic. Luckily, she lives 6 hours away which helps. I wish there could be a non-dramatic way.                                               

[Penny123]

I think I have to find a way to stop caring on what her problems are (even if it could be life threatening to her). That.Is.Hard. I'm sympathetic by nature but I do lack patience. I should not respond to texts and just leave it to Saturday calls. I can't block texts from her on my phone plan, I've tried through At&T. If the calls on Saturday are still bad, I should not call on Saturdays. If she calls on Saturdays or any part during the week, I'll talk but the point will be to listen to her and then get off the phone. Maybe my lack of response, irritation, will make her move on.

[sweetheart]

Stelaris highlights an interesting dichotomy in that I too had a falling out with my ma in between Christmas and New Year. I posted because I think the exact same blow up occurred last year, posting helped free me a little from the conflict.

I sent a Happy New Year banner and she responded with 'HNY, I hope this year is a better one.' Ironically my last year has been an ok one, all in all I had quite a happy year. I didn't respond and haven't heard anything since.

Last year I apologised for getting upset, I nearly did the same this year, but my upset was real and justified. I didn't handle it very well, but I don't want to apologise for being upset again.

The silence is deafening, but the point of posting here this year has been to help me establish some clearer boundaries. I'm not sure what that means yet. I still confused about the absence of contact and don't want to get into something punishing and messy.

It is wearisome being the only one who is equipped to make the changes, it can feel very one sided, remember though the changes are for your peace of mind.

[Zen606]

Has anyone read understanding the borderline mother by Lawson? My mother was a bp trait individual, very angry and violent, reading this book has helped me greatly as I explore my inner child in therapy. For the last 5 years I have had minimal contact with her. One day I stopped trying to please her and stopped calling her, best moves I could have made.
Zen606

[Zen606]

Hi Stellaris,
"On her" Right on!   
Zen606

[Penny123]

Thanks Zen606 on the book recommendation. I'll get it.

[Zen606]

Great Penny- Let me know what you think!
Zen606

[blondie0507]

Hey there,

I just posted my first thread and was almost exactly the same as yours -- I just cut contact with my mother who I'm certain has BPD.  I do love her and I do wish to have a relationship with her because when she's not "freaking out" she's great.  It's the moments and frequency that she "freaks out" and the things she says, is what drives the wedge in our relationship.

I felt horrible when I cut contact with my mom -- I second guessed if this was something I should really do (am I really a good daughter for blocking my mom from calling/texting/emailing me?)--but I felt a peace about it as well... .a weight that lifted that I don't have to look at my phone and see another nasty text or voicemail anymore... .

It's definitely a confusing and difficult struggle.