Friendships : Am I normal ? I feel a bit sad.

[Fie]

Hello everyone 


I don’t know where to turn to, so I decided to post here. I prefer not talking to ‘real life’ people, because I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t understand.
I am posting in the ‘parents’ board, not sure it really belongs here. But this is the board I usually post.
Maybe some of you know my story. I’m a singe mum, my own mother is BPD, my father NPD. They are NC with me. My life is pretty good, I cannot complain. It does get lonely sometimes, and I  realize I am filling this ‘gap’ with friends.
I guess that’s part of the issue I’m facing now. For me, friendships go deep. I’m a loyal friend (some times have been too loyal), although I also realize that in the past sometimes I have expected a bit much of friends, keeping my distance when I was disappointed if they had other things to do then me. I have been working on that, and I’m getting better. I am realizing that sometimes I need to keep my distance, so my friends can have a life of their own.

I  realize that in the past I have been having a lot of what we would call ‘dysfunctional’ friends. A lot of BPD, probably because that felt familiar, and I always was kind of a ‘fixer’ too. I don’t seem to have a problem making friends.  The problem I’m facing is that a lot of my friends over the course of the years have disappeared from my life – most of them because I wanted that, but sometimes it was their initiative.

I had one very good friend, I met her a few years ago. She’s a psychologist and she was the one who gradually was able to let me see that my ex and my mum are BPD. I was very grateful to her, and I learned a lot from her. You can say that I looked up to her.  She’s a very open person, very self aware. And somehow she points out the good stuff about herself in such a way, that everyone, including me, believes it. My friend thinks she’s faultless. She cannot take criticism and takes this to extremes. Maybe because of the fact that I always looked up to her, she started to have this attitude towards me of talking to me in a loud, harsh manner, when she wants something done, or when she gets angry (which oftentimes happens). I would practically call it screaming.  A common friend calls it ‘passive aggressive’, I guess ‘aggressive’ is more accurate. She also does it when she gets upset if she perceives that I’d criticize her. The one before last summer was the last  time she visited me (she lives abroad).  I was quite annoyed with her screaming and also with her manipulating behavior. I don’t know what was going on with her, she needed a lot of attention, and she made me feel I was dealing with my ex. It was the same feeling of having to walk on eggshells. I was so fed up that she always points out my flaws / my dysfunctional family, and thinks she’s perfect, even though that I now, after all this learning about ‘healthy’ behavior, can see that she’s quite dysfunctional herself.
During that visit she creamed to my daughter too. My daughter (9) is a bit sensitive (like me) and didn’t like that, she got scared. So after the visit I thought about it, decided that it was enough, and I send a voice message to my friend, telling her that I knew it was probably not on purpose, but please do watch out for screaming because you are scaring both me and my daughter when you do that.

This was not perceived very well. A long email with all my flaws in it followed. I was the one persuading her to phone about this, because I didn’t want to fight over something like this.
I was only half happy after the phonecall. My friend didn’t apologize and even said she never screamed. She would be more careful  ‘raising her voice’ with my child, but not with me : I had to take her as she was. She also said she didn’t like what she was hearing, because this all meant that I could not be myself around her, either (?).  The conversation merely was me telling her that I didn’t want to make her feel bad, that I loved her a lot, etc. When I hung up, I had the feeling that it was me who had been doing something terrible to her.
After that (that’s 1,5 years ago) we didn’t meet again. We kept sending text messages from now to then, as we did before, only a bit less. When I read those texts now, both mine and her messages were cordial. I do remember wanting more breathing space because I realized that her behavior was not really what I wanted. So I never referred to meeting again soon, and neither did she, except this one time last summer.
 Since some months though, her answers have gotten shorter and shorter and usually they were in the sense of ‘I am with my friend X now and I don’t have time, talk to you later’. I was ok with that, and never really thought it was odd. I guess that was a little naïve. Since some time she doesn’t talk to me anymore at all. It’s only now that I realize I am being given the silent treatment…
I have talked about this phone call with my therapist, who reckons everything I told her sounds like NPD. Unfortunately I had also thought about that, only I didn’t want to admit it to myself. My very good friend, lost to me now     And I am not sure I even want to be friends anymore, since I do want to be treated in a normal way.

My friend is the godmother of my daughter. She never really cared a lot about that, but suddenly this week there was something in the mail, a ‘present’ and a card, for newyear. I got angry. That is the exact behavior of my mum: cut me out, but then dragging in my daughter (to control me?). Through the exact same method. My friend could have easily told me ‘happy newyear, and I’m going to send a present to your child’. On the contrary : when I look to our facebook conversation it says ‘do you want to unblock her’ or something. I am not so familiar with fb, so I didn’t understand.  It lasted a little while before I realized that my friend has blocked me. I was flabbergasted.  Are we in kindergarten now ?

I don’t even know what I ‘did’ towards her. I reread all of our messages since our ‘fallout’, one and a half year ago. They sound normal. There was one thing though, approximately one year ago. My friend went to a clinic to lose weight. In a  text message to me she complains that only friend X has cared enough about her to show up  to visit. My friend lives 600 kilometers away. I cannot leave everything, pack up and drive 600 kms (and back) for a visit of 2 hours. I have a child, a job, a life. And moreover, I didn’t know she’d expect that from me…  If I had know, I probably would have considered it.
After the clinic, our messages kept being cordial, though.
I do remember that at one point my friend started to feel lonely because a lot of her friends were moving away. She even said that maybe it was time to fall back on her old friends again. But if this triggered her ‘abandonment fear’ (which I think it has), then I could have helped her with that. There was no need to cut me out. And cut me off like that makes me think she’s angry. So it means she thinks I did something to her.

I don’t know why I am posting here. I am telling myself : ha, you are stupid. You lost a friend again. You should have seen she was unhealthy. Haven’t you learned by now ? And : maybe I am the problem. Maybe people, also the normal ones, run away from you !

Because another friend : slightly similar problem. I met her a year or so ago through my kid’s karate class, her son’s attending too. The thing is, in the beginning I met her, I *knew* that something was ‘off’ (criticizing people a lot, suddenly disappearing and projecting on me, asking ‘where have you been’ while it was her who was not there. I was aware of the concept of projecting so I got it. But otherwise all of this would have been very strange to me  because she did it quite often). Back then I *told* myself  : don’t get too involved, she’s not healthy. So I did realize it. But I did get involved. We have a similar background partnerwise, and she kind of relied on me to help her through a hard time. And she’s fun to be around. So we became friends.

Since some time she doesn’t seem interested anymore. I have asked her once or twice : what’s up, we don’t see you anymore ? But all she responds is ‘yes, you know, life, just being busy’. So there is no real communication, at all. I do not think she’s angry though. She’s just cold, uninterested and not willing to say so, or say why.
So with these 2 friends, I really don’t know what I did wrong.

I guess I feel sad. And, if I may confess, just a little abnormal. I don’t want to end up like a sad old single lady, dying alone, without anyone. I need people around me to feel good.  

Does anyone here have the same feelings ?  Or is it just me... I do have other friends (some healthy, some clearly not, and some in the middle, just, normal people). I don’t want to lose them, too …

[madeline7]

What I have come to realize is that I am highly vigilant and sensitive, likely much of it has to do with being raised by a pwBPD. An endless pit of neediness on their part causing me to think I have something to do with their every mood swing, silence and rage. Unfortunately this has bled into my general world view and specifically how I deal with the world in general, including friends, other family and colleagues. I am more aware now that I tend to take everything personally, since I have always been blamed as the cause of mu uBPDm 's unhappiness. I am in the process of slowly eliminating other toxic chosen relationships, and cultivating relationships with people who are supportive and lift me up instead of bring me down. Needless to say, my circle is smaller now. The challenge for me is how to make sense of the unchosen toxic relationship(s), and if and how they fit into my new and improved world view. Wishing you happy and healthy friendships.

[Harri]

Hi Fie.  I lost a loong reply due to power outage so lets hope this one sticks!

You are not abnormal Fie.   As you know, I too struggle with friendships and have had a couple of very abusive ones.  While I don't think that proves you are not abnormal it does prove you are not alone.  It hurts to lose someone even if they are not kind and respectful and even when they are unable to be vulnerable and open about their weaknesses.   

Someone once wrote that we (as children of PDs) often think 'does this person like me' while people from healthier backgrounds ask 'do I like this person'.  (sorry, I kind of butchered that but the gist is there I hope!)  So let me ask you, what is it about your friend and how she is now that makes you want her to remain in your life?  Leave who she was in the past in the past.  You both have changed.  Is the relationship, with her being her as she is now, something that is healthy and rewarding?  Do you like who she is enough to counteract the way she talks to you (abuse BTW)?  Do you want to be in the one down position with her so that she can feel good about herself?

I have held onto friends that I should have let go of long ago.  I have talked of my friend Chris.  I haven't spoken to her in about 2 years and it still hurts.  I kept going back trying to right things, to get things back to where they were when our friendship was more balanced.  I kept trying to get her to see me without her filters and without the dynamic long ago of her having the answers and insight.  She pushed, I pushed back.  I could see my part but so could she and unfortunately that was all she could see. 

I am hurt that I was not worth the effort and loyalty that I showed her... .even when I shouldn't have done.  I am angry that I kept going back time and again trying to fix the mess that I had a part in.  I can drive myself crazy still, just thinking that she still thinks she was all right and I was all wrong.

And then I stop and ask myself is this person someone I like?  Is she someone I still want in my life?  Is she healthy?  Will she ever be able to see me as I am today?  No to all of those questions.  Same thing applies to some other friends I dropped (or did they drop me?) long ago.

I talked with my T and told her that I am the common denominator in all of these relationships.  I am the one with the messed up background and the one who does not know how to be in the world.  I said I can't look around and rationally blame every person around me when the same thing happens over and over again.

She challenged me on that.  She has made me see that those people are not healthy.  They may not be evil or anything like that but they are indeed not healthy and I am like a sitting duck for their denial, projections, etc.  According to her, it is possible to be in a situation where it is not 'you' but the people around you.  The question then becomes, why are you still there?  What are you holding on to?  Is it the 'friend' or is it what the friendship represents?  For me, Chris proved that I was healthy enough to have a long friendship (~20 years).  I clung to that saying that said if you have just one real friend in life you are rich.  Well, she helped to further wreck my already damaged self-esteem and with my blind permission in a sense.  I never questioned her or how she treated me.  I was just thrilled she was willing to tolerate me as a friend in spite of everything... .  Now I say Hell No!

Okay, not sure this made sense or if anything applies.  Want to post quickly as we are in the middle of a blizzard here.  Brrrr... .

Lets talk this out.  I will be back as able.

 

[Fie]

Madeline,

I felt a bit better after having read your post.
You are right, it doesn't have to be about me ... .my friend is not so stable, I know. So she can have any kind of issue, with me or with someone / sth else, that makes her 'abandon' me. Thanks for pointing that out.

 

The challenge for me is how to make sense of the unchosen toxic relationship(s), and if and how they fit into my new and improved world view.

I'd say that's a very good idea. I have been doing the same ... and I have found new friendships along the way, too. But even in my new friends I recognize unhealthy tendencies. And then again, we all have those ... .me too. No one is 100% stable. I struggle a bit though : from what moment on is enough enough, when is something too much for me ?

I do have a history with tendencies to write people off a bit too quickly because I'd think they don't make enough time for me / they don't like me, etc. This is an issue I addressed in therapy, and I have since then gotten better. I now accept that my friends sometimes need time for their own lives, and that this is ok. They cannot be there for me always.

But I do struggle still : when is a person unhealthy enough to write him/her off ? I have a friend who thinks he's inherited the bipolarity of his dad. I have always thought he was superhealthy regardless. Lately though, I have been seeing things that bother me a bit. But then again, I can not go write off every friend I have ... .!

[Fie]

Harri 


So happy to hear from you, really     
How have you been doing ?

I hope you are fine in the blizzard. We are having a storm out here, too. But probably not half as bad as where you live, so I hope you'll be safe !


As usual you are saying things that make me think  :-)

It's true that my initial thinking point is 'does she like me', and not 'do I like her'. You got me there.

So let me ask you, what is it about your friend and how she is now that makes you want her to remain in your life?

That's a very good question... .I think it's several things. First, she's very enthusiastic. She has a zest for life, and laughs easily. I like that. I am quite enthusiastic myself (although more calm then her) and when we are together, well, it creates a lot of energy.
It's probably also the fact that she was there for me during tough times with my BPD ex. She made me see the situation for what it was, and because of her I got to the bottom of my FOO dynamics. I could not have done that without her and he has been there for me often. She's older than me, and I might have seen her as some kind of mother figure. And lastly, I think it's definitely also the thing you mention you had with Chris : being able to have long friendships. Not having to face the fact that I am loosing a friend - again.  Having the feeling of 'you see ! I'm normal ! I have been knowing my friends for quite a while now'

My daughter recently told me: 'mum, you have so many friends'. It made me think. My definition of friendship is quite 'deep'. Acquaintances are not friends to me. It is true that I am still in contact with several people I met during the years, although I don't see them that often and would not call them friends, at least not most of them.    It made me think. Maybe I should be more 'superficial' in my friendships... .because the deeper you dig into people's lives, the more can go wrong. I think that might be the problem with my 'karate' friend : she told me I'm the only one she can be herself with, and that she likes that about me, that she doesn't have to pretend. But yet ... .suddenly... .gone. Maybe I need to do something about that. Make everything more light, not be so open to hearing people's problems. Talk more about the weather  :-)
I guess maybe I should try not to be attracted anymore to 'deep' people. Maybe they represent a red flag sometimes ? But then again, I don't like so much shallowness... .

Leave who she was in the past in the past.  You both have changed.

I for sure have. I think she doesn't like that. Still it's partly because of her that I am who I am now (and I am grateful for that).
But has she changed ? Or was I too stupid to see her for who she is ? A charming, open woman, who becomes resentful when she realizes she cannot do as she pleases with you ?

The thing Madeline said made me think, too. Maybe it is indeed not about me, but about my friend. Maybe she just lost her interest, and maybe she's not even angry (in this case I can stop breaking my head over what it is she percieves I did/didn't do). I have been reading this article today (https://narcsite.com/2018/01/), and this resonates with the idea of Madeline :

“Your life is back that way,” I add as the passenger door slams shut and you watch as I roar off up a slip road next to a large sign saying “Fuel this way”.

Maybe I was just not enough fuel anymore to my friend, and she has been waiting to throw me out of the car, until she found a friend who can offer more fuel to her then me ? (the one who visited her at the clinic where she was loosing weight has come up a few times in her messages. Maybe he has replaced my fuel now ?)


Thank you Harri for being out there.

[Harri]

Hi Fie     I'm doing okay.  In a weird state.  May post about it.  thanks for asking.

So about your friend.  It sounds like she is enjoyable to be around and can be a positive experience for you.  This is where the shades of grey come into play.  I have to confess that I am not that good at it.  Lots to sort out.  I now tend to make too much room for another person to be who they are, trying to accept people without trying to make them be who I want or need them to be.  Want to laugh at me in a bad way?  Smirk when i do or say something?  Talk to me like I am an idiot?  Well, okay, that is just who you are and a good friend will accept you flaws and all... .especially if they were not like that at first and especially if they have seen me through rough times and especially if they are the first ever to do that for me even knowing what kind of person I am. 

That was me and how I viewed Chris.  When i first got to know her, she served as my compass for normal and healthy.  She confirmed a lot of what I saw in my life and my relationship with my ex.  She helped me grow and she helped me be ther person I am today.

Sound familiar?  I am not saying your friend is abusive like Chris, but there are similarities.  I think with Chris, she saw me changing, getting stronger and the balance started changing.  I was no longer the one who needed help.  As a matter of fact, in many ways I was stronger and healthier than she was/is.  She could not handle it especially as her life started taking some major turns that sort of exposed some of the dysfunction in her own life.  As my T says, some people need to make other people small in order to feel good about themselves.  She may not be like that with other people, but she is with me.  We don't work well together any more.  It's okay.  It hurts, but it is okay. 

I agree that the situations with both of your friends have nothing to do with you.  The Karate Lady may be doing what I still struggle with--- push people away after I open up and become vulnerable.  Who knows.  She may feel threatened that you can actually *see* her.  It has nothing to do with you though, it is her fear.  It hurts I know.  I've been on both ends of that dynamic.  What always hurts most for me when on the receiving end is that the other person never saw me enough to know I really was a safe person.  But again, even that is not about me, it is their inability not mine.

Rude awakening #4751--- most things people say and do have exactly nothing to do with you (or me, or anyone else).  True story.

Okay I am all over the place with this response... .so lets just keep going!  Onward! 

A charming, open woman, who becomes resentful when she realizes she cannot do as she pleases with you ?

Yes.  You were not too stupid to see.  You did not see it because it probably wasn't there until you began to change.  It happens all the time, and not just with people who are recovering from pervasive abuses.  It makes no sense that as you become more healthy and are able to be a better friend that she would change for the worse if the cause of the change in her behavior was you.  Did that make sense?  She may have had these less desireable traits but you never saw them because she was not threatened and did not use them to cope. 

You missed nothing.  You simply got a broader view of your friend.  Funny you mention Friend Who Yells got another friend... .so did Chris... .right before things began to change for the worse.  go figure.

I got to see sides of Chris that makes me not like her and not want to be her friend.  She is not a good person when she is with me and I do not want to find out how she might be if she loses this other friend.  I have seen enough to know it hurts, and she is abusive to me when she is not getting what she wants.

As for not going to visit her 600 miles away?  Pffft... .honestly I think she is wrong for even expecting that from you or anyone.  No way could I afford it even if it were my brother ... .and I love him.

Ooo!  Another thought!  A lot of people who lose a lot of weight will 'lose' the friends they had before surgery.  Again, it has nothing to do with you.

Also, the new friend is a guy... .that may factor in too.  Again, it has nothing to do with you.

Another Ooo!  Some people are not capable of having more than one friend at a time.  Not someone I want to be around and once again, nothing to do with you!

Fie, maybe hold back a bit on the deep stuff until you really know someone but please don't change the very best parts of you.

   So good to chat with you too!

[Fie]

Harri,


It's great that someone is understanding me. I feel a lot better knowing that people are having the same issue. Not that I wish this upon you, but I feel less alone and abnormal.

Thank you. A lot of what you said, makes sense. I know I sometimes am too analytical, but I can't help it. :-)   You helped me unravel everything a little.

The situation with Chris does indeed sound familiar.  It does sound reassuring that I might not have been able to see my friend fully, because she didn't exhibit the unhealthy behavior from the start, as you said. On the other hand, that sounds tiring and frustrating. Does it then mean that you need to wait for a few years into friendship to discover who your friend really is  ... .? (Ok, I'm a lot healthier now... so she might not have been 'attracted' to me, but still. My friend is not only attracted to people she can belittle and 'fix' like she did with me. A lot of her other friends have quite a bit of NPDish traits.)

Anyway. Thanks for existing Harri. 

[Harri]

Hi    

I forgot to mention that I read the article about supply written by the NPD.  I don't like it or him but some of what he said about supply seems right.  I just question whether your friend (or my friend Chris) is aware of what they do in friendships.  I am not saying it is okay or if they do it unintentionally it somehow makes a difference though.  I just don't get the feel that there is a whole lot of awareness there.  The article makes getting supply sound so predatory.  Perhaps in antisocial people or true NPDs it may be true though.  I don't know.

I do not think you are too analytical at all.  You like to think and understand.  So do I... .so no way could that be a bad thing right?  haha

On the other hand, that sounds tiring and frustrating. Does it then mean that you need to wait for a few years into friendship to discover who your friend really is  ... .? (Ok, I'm a lot healthier now... so she might not have been 'attracted' to me, but still. My friend is not only attracted to people she can belittle and 'fix' like she did with me. A lot of her other friends have quite a bit of NPDish traits.)

Now that is the question!  I have no idea though I think part of the answer may be how they act in tough or crisis situations.  You really get to see peoples values and characteristics when they are in a very stressful situation or when their backs are against the wall.  Now, how to get that information without something very difficult or threatening happening?  Haven't a clue.  I do think looking at the people around them is a good thing to do, though it does not always mean anything (said defensively because the only friend I now have in real life is my nurse who is paid to visit me 3 times a week! haha! Though I do enjoy her company a lot)

Look, chances are *you* would not have been attracted to her today the way you were a few years ago.  You grew.  I don't think it makes her bad or less than to have a bunch of NPDish type friends, though I would not want the same friends for me (fingers crossed!)  It just means we are different and on different paths.  You are moving along and hopefully she is as well.

Have you heard of the quote that goes something like this:  "Some people come into your life for a day, some for a season, and some for a lifetime.  They each bring something to you, some lesson.  Cherish the lessons learned."  Okay, I think I might have mixed two sayings together there... .but does it make sense to you?  :)on't reduce yourself and your friendship with this woman to you simply being supply.  You gained a lot from her.  Cherish it, be thankful and trust yourself to know better next time around and either not be friends at all or not get as close.  I understand what you wrote about acquaintances vs. friends as well.  :)epth makes a difference to me too.  I am still learning when and what to hold back on.  It is very hard.

A thought:  Being someone's supply is not necessarily a bad thing.  When you think about it aren't that what relationships are all about?  The problems arise when the source is out of balance or insufficient or damaging.  When the taking (supply) is equal to the giving, it is a beautiful thing.

Okay back on track... .kind of.  Are you familiar with The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran?  A quote from his essay on friendship is:
     Your friend is your needs answered.

You can the whole book online at:
www.leb.net/mira/works/prophet/prophet.html
I find solace in his writings.  He has many others.  Check it out and see if you are interested.  Not sure it comepletely fits with this thread, but I am a rambler!  It is just the way I roll.  LOL

"Thanks for existing Harri."  Thank *you* for seeing me.  It feels good.   

[Turkish]

During that visit she screamed to my daughter too. My daughter (9) is a bit sensitive (like me) and didn’t like that, she got scared. So after the visit I thought about it, decided that it was enough, and I send a voice message to my friend, telling her that I knew it was probably not on purpose, but please do watch out for screaming because you are scaring both me and my daughter when you do that.

My hackles rose when I read this.  That is completely unacceptable.  Despite your affection and love for your friend,  I'm glad that you confronted her about it.  Hurting kids is a no-go. Period.

This was not perceived very well. A long email with all my flaws in it followed.

A few years ago,  my T told me the definition of a friend: "A friend is someone to whom you can take out your heart and present it to them and ask,  'tell me what you think?'" In other words, a friend is someone with whom you should feel safe.

What is your definition of a friend?

[sweetheart]

Hi Fie,

I used to find the whole friendship thing incredibly tricky to navigate , especially if you come to it like I do with a family or relationship history that is less than straightforward.

I've always found friendships tricky to understand. When we were children we didn't do play dates or sleepovers, no friends ever came to our home. I don't remember ever being allowed to go to other children's houses to play. When people would knock on our door my mum would never answer. Nothing was spontaneous or without meticulous planning when we did anything social. I now realise that it was so my mum could control the image that she wanted others to see.

My mother has no friends, my father was allowed no friends, he wasn't  even allowed to go see his family. My mother controlled him and my siblings to within an inch of his life. She even controlled my father's alcoholism, until he took back control by stopping drinking!

When it came to how to make and keep friends right through my life I've made some good, bad and downright disastrous choices.

It's funny when I met my husband and realised that everything was not as perhaps it should be I let my friends go and set off down a very similar path to my mother until I found BPD family.

I have two close friends now, both I have worked hard to keep even when my husband was at his worst. They have both been met through my son's schools and have children and they each understand dysfunction in their relationships and themselves. Neither are without their flaws, neither I am. In order to keep my friendships I have to work against a part of me that wants to repeat the behaviour of my mother. What challenges these things more for me now is having a young son and I want him to have a healthier understanding of what a friend can mean in his life. I want him to have what I didn't have growing up, I want him to see his mum with her friends.

I will say however that if either one of my friends raised their voice in the absence of an emergency to my s9 there would have to be a seriously good reason for their behaviour. That your friend demonstrated a lack of insight and an inability to take responsibility for her behaviour is rubbish.

The book Stop Care-taking by Margarlis Fjelstad has a really good chapter on friendship, it made me rethink the way I approached friendship when I started to build a life again in coming here. The book helped me a lot in understanding how friendships can be and that it is ok to let some go. What she wrote made me more aware of the impermanence of some relationships and how learning to let them go is as healthy as nurturing a good supportive friendship. What I won't do anymore in potential or existing friendships is look to analyse the other persons motives for their behaviours. The reality is unless I ask them directly and they know and they answer, I can't really ever know why they behave as they do. Also I don't want to invest time and energy with them if their issues are impacting negatively on my life.

If a friendship is causing me confusion or upset or conflict and my energy is taken up trying to work out what's going on with the other person then I just let it go. What I learnt from being here, my FOO, my husband is that I don't want more hassle or stress from my friendships anymore. I want as Turkish says someone who I can feel safe with.

The issues sound very much as though they are with your friends, but of course you will bring your own issues too. I do understand your worries about being sad and lonely as you get older. I share those worries, even with my friends I am still not very good at letting people in. Old patterns from my FOO die hard for sure.

[Fie]

What is your definition of a friend?

Thank you Turkish for your simple but important question.
I think I am finally close to an answer   A friend for me is someone I can be myself with - without him/her opposing that.

That makes this one friend I was talking about a non-friend 

That makes, surprisingly, the karate lady a friend... .I don't know what to think about it anymore. She's strange. I think I just have to accept that I wait for her initiatives. If I am the one approaching her too often, she pulls away (and no I am not stalking her ;-). I had a problem yesterday with a blocked jaw and she wanted to drive me to the hospital, offering help, etc. I don't know what to think anymore, but I don't think I want to just write her off... .keeping up my guards might be enough. I feel a bit sad about that but well...

[Fie]

Thanks sweetheart, for sharing your story.

It feels good to know that I am not alone with those worries.

I want him to see his mum with her friends.

You just made me realize I have that too

Thank you for the book suggestion. I will look into it.